Category Archives: Fly tying Materials

Where to find them cheaply

Fish like you’ve got a pair

In a typical shad season I’ll plow through 10 feet of bead chain easy. Handing out handfuls of whatever works combined with those buried into the bottom consumes plenty. It’s the weighting standard for most shad flies because it flips the hook over giving a shot at the upper jaw, traditional hook-ups tear through the sides – which is why so many fish are lost.

Years ago I had the foresight to score about 10 lbs of the silver and gold 3.2mm style, I was tying commercially and winter would bring steelhead orders, summer it’d be shad – and I was burning through a fair amount each year.

This season I’d seen little packs of anodized aluminum beadchain in two or three colors – and the lamp section of Home Depot had a couple pull chains in a nice glossy black – so I figured somebody was making this in quantity.

Black bead chain They are – the assortment is broader than what we’ve seen in fly shops. Many styles are available; brass, stainless steel, bronze, and aluminum – and those can be broken down into additional finishes like black nickel, polished brass, and all the colors of the rainbow.

Fly shops sell the basic chain for $0.10 per inch, and most of the online chain vendors are half that, metal is heavy and large quantities will drive up the postage, but the resulting selection is worth it.

Tungsten and brass beads are expensive – and I’ve often wished I could find the cheaper bead chain in colors suitable for trout flies – as the physics of a weighted nymph suggest if the hook rode up – we’d be losing less of them. With bead chain so much cheaper than tungsten or brass there might be some small economic reward as well.

Enough of a motive to get me to dig through the Internet looking for them…

Regular Silver and Gold are available at Home Depot and Lowe’s – what I needed was the “freak” stuff – the beads we don’t know exist, and would kill for should they ever surface …

All the colors you'll ever need

I’m just starting to work through the respective vendor offerings – but I saw the above spool and about spewed lunch through my nose. Infinite combinations and colors and all of them yelling “Eat me.”

I’m interested in both brass and aluminum; brass for obvious reasons it’s heavy as can be and cheaper than beads, aluminum because it’s not – and I can envision many uses for both. Shad and steelhead will remain brass, but I can envision stonefly nymphs and lake flies, damsels and dragonflies, where I don’t need the massive sink rate yet could still use weight and the “eye” affect.

Beady-Eyed Olive Stonefly

Here’s the Olive Mutt that worked so well on the Upper Sacramento last weekend, adapted to the Black beadchain. The fly will ride as shown so it’s tied “upside down” in the vise….

… fish don’t really care which side the wingcase is on – but we sure as hell do – hence the attention to detail.

Tied on a #8 3X long shank, it’ll make a wonderful dragon fly nymph at the same time – in fact, if asked what you’re catching all them fish on I’d call it a dragonfly nymph, it’d scare hell out of all them fellows playing Mayfly-Stonefly-Caddis, and you’re guaranteed they won’t have anything close as they left those in their “lake” box.

… besides, when they see the color and tinsel they’ll think you’re an idjit – everyone knows stoneflies is either brown, black, or golden …

…except us.

These are 25 foot spools of 3.2mm (#6) Brass beadchain – sold by the folks at BallChain.com – available in 19 colors if you include the silver and gold. You may be interested in Mystic Red and Antique finishes they have as well.

colors available at BallChain.com Called “Cool Spools” – they show the connector colors but only have violet, rainbow (shown above), black, and dark blue to purchase online. It’s a rather poor web presence – but I called and they mentioned the other colors were available – but not all were in stock.

I’m itching to try the Rainbow for shad – I’m sure the orange would work really well also. I’ll keep looking for a better deal – and the aluminum is already enroute from a different source, we’ll feature that when it arrives. Note the hollow tubes available in similar colors – just right for tube flies; either insert a nylon sleeve or make sure you deburr both ends.

Tacky but uniquely qualified

Globally Right On, no less I figured I was uniquely qualified – knowing the stiff and austere demeanor of the Trout Underground, if either of us was capable of “hanging ten” it would be us native Californian’s, bro…

I routinely hang about 36, but that’s over my belt …

Like the Picante sauce, I’m not so sure dry fly purist’s aren’t always from out-of-state, fleeing to the coast to out themselves from whatever depraved closet their skeletons are hid.

I sure don’t fit the tawny, golden stereotype; don’t go near the surf without a sand spike and a couple pounds of anchovies, Speedo’s would cut off all blood to my entire body (and drain the blood of onlookers), so that’s out of the question – but if you wanted a treatise on surfboard wax, I’m learning more than I care to – and more product is enroute.

I’m still adjusting to their technical lingo, but as far as I can tell they’re the only fellows doing to wax what we’re doing to carbon fiber, and with the advent of numerous synthetic waxes – free of paraffin – this is where we’ll find the next really clever replacement to the toilet ring.

… and there’s much less tendency for strangers to recoil from a pasty brownish lump if reassured it belongs on a surfboard, versus a lavatory.

Australia's finest, ultra sticky Tropical, Cold, and Lukewarm, describe the melt point of the material so it doesn’t slough off once applied. It also describes whether it’ll be stiff or soft at room temperature and how it’ll wear with you running threads and other materials over its surface.

I’m trying all three temperatures just to see what the differences are to the touch – and despite the claims of “super tacky” or “stickiest” there’s considerable differences in each compound.

Wax has fallen from grace over the last 20 years, and those that learned during those years don’t use it – despite the continued use of materials we tamed with wax many decades ago. I’d attribute that to the fly tying thread industry – whose unyielding-decidedly-unsticky version used on pre-waxed thread turned off an entire generation of tiers to its benefits.

Now that I can get a synthetic wax – yet still choose between coconut, mango, bubblegum, or anchovy scents, I’ll be the bane of sausage dogs the north woods.

I use wax on many materials unrelated to thread, it’s water repelling characteristics are especially useful for those thin, tight dry fly bodies, and can counteract the absorbent fur nemesis to some degree.

Considering 70 grams of wax is a decade, 99¢ worth is a prudent investment, half the price of a toilet gasket and in line with the New Frugality, and as the advert mentions, it’s globally right on, Bra ..

… and yes, TC – you can test the Sex Wax …

We’ll make tequila later, the flies come first

Cactus chenille - "Fritz" in the UK, olive strand is 6mm, pink is 16mm There’s nothing quite like an epic outage of materials on the eve of a trip – where your own shortcomings cause you to lack whatever was required to catch fish…

I’ve been fishing rather than shopping – temporarily abandoning the quest for more materials in lieu of using some in anger.

Running out of Pink Cactus chenille was epic, so were the oaths sworn in the semi-darkness, wherein only trace amounts of the “perfect fly” would be available on the morn.

Steve Parton has addressed the entire Cactus Chenille issue for me. Steve has a store in the UK that sells “Fritz” by the pound and I’m no longer dependant on the microdot of material Hareline sees fit to hide behind its label.

The bulk skeins are available through the ebay version of Spartonfly, available in UV treated, untreated, straggle style, and regular cactus chenille in 6mm (Hareline) and 16mm sizes. 100grams ($16) is about a 1/4 pound and should serve the average tyer for a decade or so – saving considerable money in the process.

quarter pounder with coffee

There’s more than one kind of “Cactus chenille”; the coarse filament material the Roughfisher uses, and the soft fiber material sold by Hareline in the traditional 3 yard pack. Three yards is about 3 dozen flies; no sooner do you discover the Shad’s innate weakness than you’re back at the store looking at the empty hook where pink used to be…

This type of chenille is (usually) 50% opalescent and 50% nylon, and while nylon takes acid dye quite well, the opalescent component – usually polyester, won’t. That gives the finished material a lighter sheen, as polyester requires a very hot dye bath with caustic chemicals to assist the color absorption.

Not seeing the colors I needed, Steve was nice enough to custom dye five colors of the 6mm and 16mm at my request, so if you don’t see what’s needed, drop the fellow a note.

Custom dyeing requires a reference color, so always supply a picture on the Internet that your vendor can see to give him which of the thousand shades of Olive you’re after… As different monitors and different resolutions can change colors a couple shades, send him the color by mail if you’re after an exact match.

The 16mm actually wraps as a hackle, its filaments being of long enough length to lose the chenille look. It makes a hell of a comet collar for steelhead and will cause shad to turn pirouettes on demand.

Roughfisher has been busy tinkering as well, and appears to have triggered a sudden lust for white on his home water.

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Contains no Transfat, no calories either

It’s due to the unnatural preoccupation with foodstuffs – create a fly and it almost always has a food name. The debris field from the vise suggests I’m up to no good – with an equal mixture of Orange Carrot flies and Pink Grapefruit.

… it’s California, we’re not allowed to subvert our youth with manly cholesterol names – it’s got to rhyme with “tofu” usually..

Pink Grapefruit and the debris field

Both flies got into Harm’s Way this morning so I was pleased. I’m testing the flexible beading filament (pink) to see how the abusive casting and fish treat it.

So far it holds up very well, none of the flies showed damage despite the harsh environment.

.. and if it doesn’t work I can always make a charm bracelet

I’d call it “Michael’s to the Rescue” only I’m not sure it isn’t the Shad being done the favor. Fiddling with substitutes keeps me off the water long enough to allow fish to move upriver unmolested, which hardly seems fair.

While researching a “bow serving” replacement, only a few pale shades of pink and orange fishing line were available on the Internet, forcing me to look to other crafts for a likely substitute.

Michael's has assorted craftlace available in the target colors

Michael’s surrendered some items along a common theme, most are of the “craftlace” family – used to make woven keychains and bracelets. All of them are much larger than the 20lb mono and varying degrees of cumbersome to lash to the hook.

Rexlace is the most popular brand, it’s a rectangular shaped PVC that is available in a riot of colors – including all the fluorescent mainstays; hot pink, orange, and chartreuse.

Wierd and Bulky

No clearcut winners emerge, although the Stretch Magic fly looks most like the original bow serving. The real test is not so much the fish, who have marginal selectivity, as what remains of the fly next season when all those polymers have been exposed to direct sunlight and head cement.

In the meantime, we can fix the bulky issue with a teakettle and some steam. Drawing the Rexlace through the steam column while pulling on each end halves the filament size – making it much more manageable to use. 3-5 seconds of steam allows you to draw 10 or 20 yards of the smaller size in a couple minutes.

If you repeat the process you should be able to reduce it to trout sizes, saving you some money on some of those high dollar synthetic ribbings from the fly shop. Rexlace is about $3 per 100 yards – and you’ll wind up with triple that when you’re finished.

Now the Rexlace is a manageable size, making the old Green Weenie get a facelift 

The above fly is a longtime Shad classic, the “Green Weenie.” Normally it uses the florescent chartreuse floss for both body and tail, all I’ve done is give it a silver tinsel underbody and wrapped the chartreuse Rexlace over the top – giving it the “glow” factor.

The unsteamed version is in front to show the original versus steamed filament.

We’ll see how they look next season. It won’t be the first time I’ve had gaily colored bits of oxidized plastic and a lot of bare metal in my fly box after winter storage – remember all those latex caddis nymphs that turned into exploded golf balls?

… and don’t let the above colors fool you, I’ve got plenty of pink flies already tied, orange and chartreuse round out the “well heeled” angler.

I’ll just use up the last of the trout hooks before moving on to the big and shiny

I’m unashamed at an unnatural fascination for Claret; mostly I’ll blame Andre Puyans – many of my tying references were black and white and seeing him with a handful of Claret was the same eye-opening experience as finding out that Fruit-Of-The-Loom made something other than tidy whities..

I recognize it’s a weakness, some deep seated fascination with red – which has no obvious parallel in Nature, is bled out by the water column posthaste, and yet some rebellious gene has me throwing a pinch in when it’s least warranted.

Michael’s and eBay take turns catering to my obsession, but it was the claret floss that played to my base nature, sending me lurching for the counter dribbling little bundles of metallic thread in “nickel” bags.

 Mouline DMC Jewel Effects

Call it a six-strand, floss-cored, mylar-wrapped, tinsel sold in the floss aisle. Each strand is multicolored, tough as nails, and can be unwrapped from the other five with a twist.

Mouline DMC of France is the maker, offering “Jewel Effects” and “Metal Effects” the two types shown above. It’s available in pearlescent and glow in the dark – neither of which were available for me to paw over.

Shad are at the mouth of the American, just minutes down the road – and when they’re available the Brown water looks dingy and lonesome, as I’m crunching big water gravel intent on silver torpedoes.

It was the Claret that done it, each fiber about as thick as a strand of Moose hair; ribbing for trout flies, sparkle for the dirty water, and irresistible metallic gleam for the voracious maw of the American River Lesser Tarpon.

This time of year is an embarrassment of riches, and I’ll shove aside the earth tones and pastels and crack out fluorescence; limes, reds, pinks, and yellows.

Last year it was the “Peppermint Kestrel” that took all my fish, this year it’ll be reborn with an accumulation of brightly colored tidbits purchased just to make it more so. I’ll pile on the Angelina and hot pink Bernat Boa I purchased, wrap a flashy mutt yarn around what’s left and introduce it as the “Vomit Comet”…

A single thread wrapped as the body of an AP Nymph 

… making it easy to tell last year’s lies fish stories this year – changing just enough so it sounds different.

In the meantime, a little sparkle on a trout fly shouldn’t offend our sensibilities too terrible much.

Michael’s will teach that tawdry strumpet, JoAnne’s a thing or two

It just opened up, and now I must tithe one tenth my get For some it’s drugs, booze, or gambling, for others it’s the rush of adrenaline. For the chaste, it’s religion, or a triple decker, three cheese, bacon-wrapped grease-meat with a side of stained paper bag.

Fly tier’s eschew such quaint mood-altering luxuries. We’ve pissed away the “milk n’ egg” money, and when we squealed out of the driveway it was with the vision of pleading wife clutching half dressed waifs, dry eyed as they watched Poppa in wonderment.

We’re the Lurkers, the Night People – the frantic males dashing for the door; 17 minutes before closing – intent on bead encrusted, yarn draped, mayhem – the bane of disinterested teenie-boppers milling absently behind the register, counting seconds to the closing klaxon.

“You got any acid dye?

“Huh? … Betty, we got any “acid dye?”

Each clerk swivels expertly like Rockettes, looking expectantly at their neighbor until the grizzled gal with the manager pin heaves her bulk into view, “You see any over in dyes?” She fixes me with them gimlet eyes, intent – waiting for me to make a wrong move.

“Madam Treblinka” is awe inspiring, somehow avoiding censure at Nuremberg – and hired as Michael’s “muscle” – knowledge expert and den mother.

“No, ma’am.”

“Then we ain’t got any.”

I beat a hasty retreat back to the floss aisle, expertly throwing elbows at the obvious noOb’s. The press of fly tying humanity is stifling, so I point to the scrapbook area and let fly, ” Ooo, that’s Jungle Cock!”

It’s a mad scramble as the throng departs, leaving some motherly looking “bluehair” moaning on the floor, her bent walker wedged between glitter canisters.

A quick boot heel to the ribs leaves her gasping, and doubled over she’s no longer blocking the Claret silk, I reach for a handful just as the Two Minute Warning sounds.

Mission Accomplished.

The rest is merely a mop up – a police action, sifting through their dumpster for a stray fragment of gaily colored ribbon, or bent pipe cleaner.

Michael’s, a SuperStore that I don’t have to protest – except when I see my bill. It’s a fly shop without silly tackle in the way, it’s a freshly downed Wildebeest with us carrion-birds lurking in every aisle.

Driving by twice a day, it’s the Sirens calling to Odysseus – and I’m thinking Nurse “Treblinka” wasn’t sporting no ring …

It’s the perfect rainy day project, combat premature dubbing loss with Mohair

Mohair is the fur from the Angora Goat and has been used in textiles since the 16th century. It’s a wiry, spiky fiber – with muted luster, and unkempt appearance. Synthetics, with their bright colors and sparkle compete for our eyeballs in the same aisle, and the cornucopia of synthetic yarns has purged most of our aging stalwarts in recent years.

It’s also cheap, readily available in hundreds of colors, can be purchased at any millinery store, and blended with other fibers to make it softer, less spiky, or more durable.

I buy it in the “mutt” styles where each skein contains one to three colors and use it as filler on my dubbing blends. It’s a low cost alternative to an Australian Opossum (~$45ea) and is available in a bewildering assortment of colors.

Each skein is approximately a half pound, and if purchased in quantity costs about $1.50 each. It’s the preferred agent to learn “dry dyeing” or blending colors and natural fibers so you’re no longer dependent on the narrow range of dubbing available at your fly shop.

Creation via Destruction – Making the components

I’ll yank off 40 yards and break the yarn apart into its component colors. This is a great task for weekday quality time – when either the spouse insists on a romantic comedy or you’re stuck minding the rugrats.

Mohair "mutt" reduced to lengths of the component colors

The weave of the yarn dictates how small you’ll have to chop it to reduce in your coffee grinder. Sometimes twisted, others are woven – just make sure it’s 100% Mohair without the weave being a different material. 3/8″ segments should be small enough for both twisted yarns or the woven variant.

Each color is chopped into 3/8" segments and piled together

Your coffee grinder should be “blade” style, not the newer “burr” grinders. The cheap flavor is around $15, and you’ll need to be sensitive to heat buildup – as you can easily burn the motor up making a pound or more of dubbing.

It should not be the grinder used to make coffee unless you like drinking mustache.

I try to make at least a half ounce of each color, and when you start fiddling with blending primary, secondary, natural fibers, and sparkle – you’ll be a creative dervish and can burn that little toy motor into slag.

Stretch the process over a couple of days, use multiple blenders, and let them cool down between sessions. You’re going to like the result and the temptations to make additional colors will keep you coming back to grind again.

The Art of Blending – How to tear and mix without swearing

That ball of fiber needs to move around the container to blend The quantity of shreds added to the blender determines whether it’ll blend or simple remain immobile and make funny noises. In order for the grinder to tear apart and blend the yarn it has to move the contents freely inside the container, spinning the fibers like a cotton candy machine.

If it’s immobile it’s not mixing anything, you’ll need to remove fibers until the ball of material spins around unimpeded.

Run multiple small batches through the grinder to build the larger lump of fur. As each batch is reduced to fur (97% fur and 3% shreds), yank it out and start the next pinch.

Maybe you’ll have to run 10 or 15 small batches, but most won’t take more than 30 or 40 seconds each, so the task is neither time consuming nor arduous.

The resultant grind

There will always be some few shreds that don’t reduce, I’ll pick these out later (or use them) when I’m tying the flies.

From the above four colors we can make at least 8 additional colors by mixing them, and if we add sparkle and natural furs to the blends we can make upwards of 50 separate shades as well as multiple styles.

For a dollar you’ll become the next Picasso, but it’d be wise to consult the Artist’s Color wheel as it’s the bible for building shades and tints.

Adding Mother Nature – how to prepare animal fur for addition

I’ve never cared for commercial monochrome dubbing, most are made by dyeing white rabbit pelts and every fiber in the bag is the same color. Hareline and most vendors make simplistic dubbing – tossing skins into the dye bath and trimming the result into the plastic bag you purchased.

Mother Nature doesn’t color her bugs in a single drab monotonous color, and a mixture of shades and hues appeals to me on a variety of levels, both scientific and artistic.  Mohair is the base fiber of my bulk blends (beaver fur is the base for fine), and I prefer to break it up with natural fibers and guard hairs from both the Red Fox Squirrel and Woodchuck. Both of these animals are giant versions of a Hare’s Mask, and offer the same wonderfully marked hair.

Sometimes I’ll dye the Squirrel or Woodchuck for a specific effect, the rest of the time I’ll add them in their natural color, letting the amount of colored mohair determine the final shade. Small amounts will just break up the dyed mohair color slightly, larger amounts will make a new color – a drab, toned down version of the original.

As we’re fiends for earth tones, drab or muted color is exactly what we’re looking for in trout patterns.

I’ll use scissors or razor blade to remove all the fur and guard hair from the center spine of the hides, and toss them into a paper sack. We’ll have to break their affinity for each other with a coffee grinder, and that’ll turn the regular barring into a disorganized speckled mass of colors.

Ground Squirrel and Woodchuck

The same blending rules apply for natural fur; use small amounts from the pile to blend, and if the ball isn’t moving it’s not mixing.

All we’re doing is reorienting the fibers so they no longer stay together – they’re not all pointing in the same direction, or matted by grease so they stay together. When we add this to our Mohair color we’ll want these fibers to mix evenly with the colored mass -throwing some air in for added loft.

If you wish to make derivative colors by combining two batches of mohair it’s easier to do with the natural fur absent. Jot down notes if you want to reproduce the colors again – using color wheel style notation, it’s much easier to remember that way.

Ex: 2 Parts Green, 1 Part Yellow, 1 Part Dark Gray/Black, yields an Olive. Add yellow to make it a “warm” olive, and green to make it colder, add gray/black to make darker.

With the natural fibers you can make two styles of dubbing; you can make “tints” by adding small amounts of color to the natural, or you can make muted colors by adding 2/3 color and 1/3 natural hair.

Both Woodchuck and Red Fox Squirrel have a dark gray underfur and that will dampen the colors considerably.

Component colors ready for mixing

The top row contains white to dark brown. Equal parts of adjacent colors will make a shade in between. Use the bottom colors to flesh out your selection so the result gives you full coverage for the shades you’ll use most often.

Completed color range with natural fiber added

The above shows the shades of color made from mixing adjacent colors and adding “warmth” or “cold” to the result. The Woodchuck/Squirrel blend has been added to mute them into earth tones.

At this point I’ve built a color range of 30 different hues, not bad for the purchase of only 4 balls of yarn, 1 woodchuck, and a single squirrel skin. This has used about 1/6 of the yarn, so I can make 5 more batches in later seasons.

Mohair-Squirrel-Woodchuck with Soft Crimp Angelina added

Each of the piles is just under a half ounce – 4-6 packs of the small servings sold at the fly shop.

I’ve run these through the grinder one last time to add the Soft Crimp Angelina fibers for sparkle. I prefer adding sparkle as a separate pass as it offers better control over the overall effect. This yields 12 colors with sparkle, and 12 additional colors without glitter.

AP Nymphs showing 8 of the 30 colors made

It took most of the weekend to construct all this – as the grinder motor has to be watched carefully due to the volume of grinding and overheating. Having a second grinder would prove useful – but it’s easy enough to grind a half dozen colors every four hours, letting the assembly cool down between fits of artistry.

The perfect rainy day project.

Blame Harry not me – I’m just the messenger

A quick leech tie featuring the mylar portion of the yarnI’m reminded of the last minutes of “The Natural” – where Robert Redford glances at his broken bat, turns to the batboy and says, “Pick me out a winner, Bobby.”

Singlebarbed reader Harry has done just that – stumbling onto a superb mohair/mylar yarn blend:

A lady I work with gave me a couple yards of a yarn by Karabella called “gossamer”.  You may have already found this stuff, it ain’t cheap, but it makes a great looking nymph.  Check it out at yarnmarket.com ($24.95 for 222 yards. also found some on ebay at $20.  Haven’t ordered any yet, but they offer some neat color combos.  Sort of like the stuff that Danville thread will make by combining chenille and crystal chenille only with mohair.

I don’t buy the “gave me some” angle, most likely he stapled her knitting hand, and while coworkers applied bandages, rifled her possessions and grabbed it.

The yarn is alternating segments of mylar chenille (4″) and spun mohair(16″), yielding a combination of flash, yarn, and when pulled apart, great dubbing. The Mylar segment is a bit thicker than the rest of the yarn and makes a natural taper when wound on the shank.

 Karabella Gossamer mohair and mylar blend

Available in 37 colors is a bonus –  I grabbed the Dark Olive/Copper and the Claret/Gold colors as a trial. The mylar component is quite soft, not bristly or stiff like cactus chenille so it’s well behaved when wrapped on a hook.

The plain mohair portion is quite thin and could be wound on #16’s and #18’s, or you could trim those portions out and rip them into dubbing with a coffee grinder.

Next week I’ll have a long winded article on just that – so grab a couple skeins, clear the table – and be prepared for some mess making.

The Oscar for Fly Tying Theatre will be awarded Saturday

Commercial tying is a hellish occupation, once your orders breach the 100 dozen of a single fly single size  – it’s becomes a ghastly test of endurance where perspiration and desperation perch on opposite shoulders, you discover nerves in your backside you never knew existed, and all the careful planning has been frittered away by pals and fishing, it’s crunch time and a #18 Pale Olive is this week and most of next.

shankapotamus Your only real friend is “Fly Tying Theater” – that collection of tapes or DVD’s whose dialog you recite from memory, you know the audio cues for the heroine disrobing, what she displays and for how long, and can list the internal organs forcibly removed by the next violent death.

National Geographic loses luster after 1:00AM, and as eyelids start to droop and you’re gingerly shifting weight from one tender cheek to the other, you want coffee, Sensurround, and the screams of the dying…

You can’t watch it – the TV is there to give the illusion of company in the pre-dawn darkness, glance up and refocus the eyes – then back to threading small stuff onto smaller stuff.

Audio-only is the best of the Best, those actors and subjects whose delivery is so wooden and uninspired you’ve no need to watch:

5) Anything by Steven Seagal. Note the deft use of all black clothing and clasped hands at midsection to disguise his ponderous gut. Ninjitsu can render an entire human invisible – but the gut is still a problem even at the 13th Dan.

4) Anything by Chuck Norris. Like Steven Seagal, Chuck possesses only a single facial expression. He let’s Steven live only because he needs an opponent in his next movie, he’s killed everyone else.

3) Anything with Jean-Claude Van Damme. No, Bruce Lee never sounded like that. Chuck lets him live so he has a love interest in his next movie.

2) Anything with The Duke. You’ve seen them all 17 times, and only his 4″ lifts hurt more than your 14 hour marathon of garage sale chair and hip pointers …

… but the undisputed King of fly tying theater – the show that dwarfs all competition is ..

1) Anything with Mel Kiper. He emerges from under a rock one day each year, hosts the NFL Draft, the most inane non-event on television, and as quickly vanishes from whence he came.

For those that aren’t fishing, Saturday is your chance to make up for winter sloth.

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