We’ll just do away with fishing licenses altogether, as it will be easier to spot poachers

bribeIllinois and California are headed for some out-of-the-box thinking, as both states wrestle with a shortfall representing nearly one quarter of their annual budget.

As we’ve seen before, both Parks and Recreation and Fish & Game never make the list of sacred cows and are forced to suffer the death of a thousand paper cuts. “Make do with less” will be the standard refrain from the Governor’s Office, as raising taxes is deplorable to both parties, as is mixing sanity in with frugality.

Instead, I’d suggest these agencies follow the Russian model of conservation, where anything is possible so long as the kickback is commensurate with the tonnage …

In connection with cash payments made by four Japanese fisheries to Russian border guards to fish walleye pollack in Russia’s exclusive economic zone, executives of other fisheries have told The Yomiuri Shimbun they also have given cash to Russians to fish saury, salmon and trout in Russian waters.

-via Daily Yomiuri Online

After a decade of less cash and even fewer wardens, I propose we allow Fish & Game to sell favors to vacationers and us sporting types so they can generate revenue stream free of the Governor’s grabby mitts.

When the warden pounces on your eight year old from out of the bushes and reads him his rights, you can either have the kid hauled away to hard labor, or make bond by wadding a couple twenties in the warden’s breast pocket. For an extra twenty you can do this just to make sport of the kid, considering he hasn’t listened to you in a fortnight.

Now wardens can craft and recraft the rules as needed to generate additional cash. They can do so with funds earmarked for each watershed, just changes the regulations midseason and watch the coffers swell with donations. Nothing like being all smug knowing it’s single and barbless, and the warden reminding you as of this year it needs to be eyeless as well.

Just to add a little incentive we’ll cut the warden in for 20% of his net take, and funnel the proceeds from the reality show back to the department as well.

They take Mastercard, midstream even.

Different medium yet same avaricious compulsion

Onion skins, how to score them in quantity It all started with five years spent on graveyard shift. Sleeping during the day and working all night appealed to me in some odd fashion, mostly I attributed my ease at being the only fellow in 48 floors of offices was all the time spent afield, as the quintessential antisocial fisherman.

My co-workers never saw my savage coupling with the leftovers from the office party, didn’t have to watch the thin veneer of civilization stripped away as I stalked loose change in the return mechanism of candy machines that dotted the employee lounge.

A note on my desk and half empty plates left in the fridge was my only interaction with the rest of the planet.

With my metabolism completely corrupted by the odd schedule, I resumed working days with little outward issues. I had to remember to bathe again, and observe the societal pleasantries associated with co-workers that were confirmed humanoid; a nod, a wave, an occasional smile.

… but I never was able to sleep past 0600 ever again. Which is why it’s my habit to buy my groceries on Sunday, while the rest of the planet sleeps blissfully.

… and while the medium has changed, natural materials capable of staining holy hell out of pants and fingers, fur and feather alike – I find myself schmoozing the stock clerk at Raley’s the way I would fly shop staff …

… because I’m staring at that monstrous bin of white onions, with the doubly monstrous bin of red onions as its neighbor, and my voice gets all silky and friendly like, “You guys ever empty that onion bin and sweep out all the husks?” says I, all caring and neighborly.

The problem with natural materials is there’s nobody to ask what’s enough, or how many dye baths will crushed walnuts shells make before I should toss them.

Instead, as I’m the only paying customer in the store at that hour, I look left – look right, and then dig out all the white onion skins while the clerk is busy restocking the orange juice or granola bars.

All the while I’m expecting the firm grip on the shoulder, and the command to ten finger the potatoes, so I can be featured on the front page of the paper all pasty and pale in the hot white light of the overhead fluorescents.

If I play my cards correctly it’ll be me and the bums fighting over dried daisies in the dumpster, but only after I convince the checkout lady that her first impression of me as a vile creep, was a bit wide of the mark …

No parallel in nature for a 4mm shiny gold bead, and none of the important aquatic food groups are so equipped.

Ernie_Schweibert I was convinced the story behind bead headed flies and their speedy domination of the sport was due to fly tiers who dreaded completing that gracefully tapered head, that final step which revealed their skill set even to the casual observer.

Weight has always been problematic for fly fishing. The letter of the law allows you to add as much lead as possible so long as it’s covered up, the rest of us especially those without ethics or refined breeding add a big shiny goober-esque bead – elegant in getting the fly down to where fish are, reducing all the discarded split shot us fishermen have been salting the watershed with for the last decade.

We feel bad about the lead / waterfowl thing, but only because of all that wasted flank and oily duck’s arse we can no longer live without. They’ve expired via heavy metal inhalation … accidental versus the double barreled kinetic flavor we had in mind.

Instead the bead phenomenon is considerably larger than all that. The  real story is our adoption of the literal and scientific elements of fly fishing being complete. We’ve garnered all the fish killing properties of higher learning, entomology and Latin, and are assured there is no stone left unturned, only a return to the gaily colored attractor flies of yesteryear may provide us with additional challenges.

Ignoring all the mean spirited and literal dialog discussed by the forum crowds; whether a beaded fly is in-fact a fly versus a weighted lure, and the passions that conversation awakens, what we can all agree upon is there is no parallel in nature for a 4mm shiny gold bead, and none of the important aquatic food groups are so equipped.

Certainly it assists sinking the fly quickly, but it also adds the same tinsel flash as the traditional wet flies of the 30’s thru 50’s. Ray Bergman and his cohort may have pitched a horrible scene at the prospect of fishing all that weight, but he was fishing over a couple hundred percent more trout (ditto for wilderness) and probably didn’t need to resort to such gimmickry, as there were ample fish in the shallow water.

Fundamental shifts in angling perception tend to hang around for decades. “Matching the Hatch” dominated the last 40 years, attractors before that, and the trends before those are largely lost to us, but “nobility and butterflies” remain, along with the occasional hoary text and odd references to “yellow flye” whose legendary hatches turned the sky of both Tigress and Euphrates, “as darke as nyght.”

Only dry fly fishing remains reasonably intact, the physics of floating a fish hook being unchanged despite iPad’s and Internet, and the drab colors of emerging insects being the sole constant on any aquatic menu.

Gone are the smallish and somber flies of steelhead fishing; the stonefly nymphs and egg imitations abandoned for big water-moving attractors whose garish purples and strung ostrich herl hackles have redefined the pursuit of migratory fisheries.

Coarse fishing and its rise to prominence may have had a small role in this, but it’s more likely that natural had worn itself thin due to age and numerous shortcomings. Big beaded colorful flies seduces all the common warm water species, and even the uncommon ones we encountered in urban settings, giving us twice the reason to add a boxful to our vest. Inevitably we found the box while searching for a solution for fussy trout, and despite our fearful glance skyward, no lightning bolt spat from the Heavens as proof that a vengeful Schweibert had been awakened from a dusty grave.

The physical gear followed close on the heels of our new appreciation for color. Puce rods feature Day-Glo backing, shiny gold reels, and anglers boldly announcing their presence with authority, with liberal application light refracting gadgets  and Miami Vice pastels to assist us in blending into the surrounding underbrush and its shadows.

Our fly tying materials underwent similar change. Opalescent being the dominant new material of the last decade, showing itself in dubbing, tinsel, and sheet – all of which were eagerly incorporated into contemporary patterns of both fresh and salt. “Sparkles” are in, and both packaged dubbing and artificial hair vie to outshine each other with gaudy light refractive qualities, often as their only real attribute.

Us fly fishermen typically fixate on a prophet to attribute our 180 degree about face of conventional wisdom, some new Oracle of angling that we can toast at speaking engagements, delights in upending all we’ve held sacred, and commands those heady comps of the swank remote lodge cartel.

Schweibert had his 15 minutes, as did LaFontaine and sparkle yarn, now it’s the rebirth of the attractor – forged in the steely cauldron of the former Eastern Bloc, and returned to prominence with long rods, rainbow hued Czech nymphs, and the two fly cast, proving that which is ancient  can be expensive again …

24 hours until the orgy of ripping paper and squeals

You promised to keep your good humor when the TSA fellow grips your personals and reminds you to cough; with all them little tykes in tow, they don’t want to see Poppa get a last minute Naughty List due to the TSA Grinch.

There’s little I can think of worthy of all the stress and hardship of wintery travel other than the warmth of Ma’s kitchen, and all the good-goods that goes with it …

Like you I’ll be on the road Saturday morning. It’ll be black dark and mighty few on the road at that hour, but you’ll still need to keep an eye out for them as has been on the road longer, or a well meaning fellow finishing a night of early celebration.

Merry Christmas to you all and drive safely.

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He goes by JDaumer, he says he knows the Rogue real well

All that and chips Naturally you’ve rushed into the digital universe befriending every dimwit without bothering to check where they knew you from or why they wanted your address. The sudden deluge of farm animal porn in your mailbox was a clue that “liking” the 1100 people that haven’t had sex with goats, might not of been too bright, especially with your wife standing there shaking a fist full of contraband recently repossessed from your now wide-eyed offspring …

If only part of what the eRomance sites are claiming is true, how we’re fleeing that ancient and boozy flesh-stalking ritual, and rushing headlong into the thorny bosom of the Internet to meet our prospective bride – whose flashing eyes are purely digital, airbrushed flawless like Playboy – and with a fetching handle to match…

… to hell with women, why aren’t we digging up destination fishing buds? How much simpler it would be to befriend some fellow at the destination watershed, then sleep on his sofa while we insist he guide our every step. His reward for missing work and catering to our every whim, we’ll be best friends, like in grade school …

Us aging boomers can’t spell social networking, and are faced with hideous and insurmountable questions like, “Do I even exist if I lack a Twitter account?” Singlebarbed dares say “yes”, and is prepared to guide you through the Internet’s version of small talk, as only an antisocial can …

Bromance Relationship Rule #1: Don’t define your relationship online unless you plan on raising eyebrows at the casting club. If he pays his portion of the bar tab, gas, and meals without being reminded you’re in a stable and committed relationship.

If he balks at the gas pump or claims his wallet is in his other pants, (conveniently under all the gear strewn in back) chances are the relationship is tenuous and he’s got a commitment problem. If he opts for the “all I got is hundreds” – he’s hoping you’ll be generous enough to allow him to GPS your favorite riffle to return later and pillage it.

Hand him a five and motion at the mini mart, tell him to get you a pack of Wrigley’s. Once the doors close behind him, squeal onto the interstate, you can always break even by auctioning his rod and possibles on eBay.like

Bromance Relationship Rule #2: If your current “steady” can’t make the trip, don’t change your online status to “available” until you’ve had a face to face discussion about fishing with someone else. It’s just not classy.

The last thing you need is someone sobbing electronically after you display a weekend’s worth of large fish pictures on your Facebook page. Big fish, lots of them, he wasn’t there. Reinforcing the notion that painting the living room should have been done last month as originally promised, instead of the entire community of his friends and wife able to snicker at his untimely and catastrophic emasculation.like2

 

Bromance Relationship Rule #3: If you find yourself checking your ex’s profile daily estimating length and girth, and seeing your favorite riffle pillaged and burnt, you should probably unfriend him.

To take this a step further, you should really give your former pal a heads up that you’re changing your status. Rather than making it “available” right away, maybe the two of you can settle on something less humiliating like “Have sack full of grape Intruders, will travel” or  “looking to raw dog Oncorhynchus mykiss, need riffle.”  After a few weeks or months have passed, and everyone basically knows you’re no longer an item, then it’s appropriate to go back to “available.”like

 

Bromance Relationship Rule #4: It’s OK to share major relationship news online only AFTER you’ve picked up the phone and called your loved ones.

Your wife will be thrilled to know you jettisoned Bob somewhere on the upper river.  Bob always creeped her out in the first place. Your new pal ties all his own flies and has enough for the both of you means he may be a keeper. This time treat him like one. He’s neither a beast of burden nor a tackle dispensary, and wipe your feet before sleeping on his couch. Respect The Skills, especially if you value him for more than a single fling.

The Bride of Donny Beaver

It’s the height of old school fly fishing advertisement; private water, a couple US presidents as testimonial, some comment from a noted outdoor author of impeccable credentials, and a brace of tastefully coifed wine wrapped in wicker, something  to put purpose in our “51 year old demographic” stride like only Ben Gay could do …

brigadoon

The problem is that us fishing types are starting to believe all that press about how “50 is the new 20”, and we don’t have the time for these “training wheel fisheries” featuring fat planted fish …

Brigadoon features deep runs and fast moving waters and has the second highest population of trout in the United States with an average size of 22 inches and 8.5 pounds. Stewart’s Brigadoon is strictly a catch-and-release fly fishing operation, with barbless hooks and no landing nets.

arrogant_bastard_ale Little wonder the smallest tippet you’re allowed to fish is 4X, there’s a two minute fish-playing rule, all fishermen must be accompanied by a guide, the trout are fed, there’s a full time security guard, and the host is nicknamed the “Brigadoon Bitch” and doesn’t fish.

I’m sure the wine is delicious, however.

The younger crowd may respond a bit better if a brace of ABA was cooling in the tailout of the Bridge Pool.

They may be slow to imprint the sport with their own unique style, but so far they’re more comfortable with tungsten beads than toddies. Old grape juice is fine for baking and sanitizing flesh wounds, but spirits were meant to be swilled from the bottle, left crushed on the bank or artfully arranged as decor on the lodge porch.

… I don’t think they care much about old things from France, unless they’re bamboo, and then maybe …

Both a warning and a reminder for California anglers

All this just to purchase the damn thing I can just imagine that old guide turning apoplectic as he explodes at the console, “I don’t want to use no gawd … damned … computer, just gimme my gawd … damned fishing license …”

Sorry. In addition to seeing through off colored water and threading a #20 dry fly onto tippet, you may want to brush up on them precious keyboard skills …

The California Department of Fish & Game has embarked on a new process for getting your fishing license, and naturally they claim it’s easier, faster, and largely computerized. The downside being that either you or the store clerk will have to enter all that data somehow.

I opted for an online transaction via their web site, with a menu of charges that resemble a fast food drive thru.

Rumor has it that it’s a three inch wide strip of paper that can grow in excess of 64” long (depending on the options chosen) which will add a couple inches to your wallet when folded. The basic license is 3” x 7” and once you start adding ocean privileges, second rod, and all the other flavors it’s been said the license can reach five feet in length.

My license is 3 inches wide and 7 inches long. The basic license cost was $43.46 and the second rod stamp was $13.53. As it was last year a Bay Delta Enhancement Stamp is not needed to fish the waters of the Sacramento/San Joaquin River or the Bay Systems.

I also decided to purchase a Steelhead Report and Restoration Card, which cost $6.48. Again the printer produced another light blue thermal copy, actually two separate pieces of paper both of which were 14.5 inches long. One was the report card itself again printed with my personal information on it, the other copy with instructions, examples and fishing location codes to report the water on which the steelhead were caught.

Needless to say if you also secured a salmon punch card, a sturgeon punch card or any other report card, you are talking about quite a bit of paper to be folded into a wallet.

via MyOutdoorBuddy.com

… which was confirmed by an incredulous angler holding a handful of tickertape, along with all the new rigor associated with its purchase. If purchased as a gift, you’ll need to provide all the data on the license to the counterperson, including their height, weight, eye color, driver’s license number, and full address.

If purchased online at the Department of Fish & Game’s website, you’ll have to navigate a bit of poorly written HTML to purchase via credit card. At the final screen will be a downloadable PDF as a temporary license that will work for two weeks while you wait for the full license to be mailed you.

temporary_fishing_license

At issue is all the menu options and sub-licenses and how they all must be attached to the main license. It could be that they’re meant to be separated  but that would be asking to forget one or more of them.

What’s likely behind the new format is cost. Thermal paper is cheaper to produce than adhesive backed stamps on Tyvek, and printing it on a roll of toilet paper allows inexpensive Point-Of-Sale printers to be used. Governor Schwarzenegger hasn’t been terribly friendly to Fish & Game and continues to ravage their budget, what you’d expect from a fellow that did all his recreating in a gym.

The new system requires vendors to purchase a DSL line to the Internet (which may not be possible in those out of the way locales) and while the DF&G are providing the touch screen console and printer, a number of shops have decided to stop selling fishing licenses entirely, as it’s simply too much bother.

Remember that the temporary licenses (PDF’s) printed on normal paper with ink or laser are not permanent – and standard 20lb bond will dissolve in water, so I’d suggest enclosing it in a license holder to keep it dry.

… then again, 60″ of folded 3 inch wide paper could prove indispensable in the woods …

All those wide stretched arm motions can throw spatter

Stain Interactive is a bit of a stretch, unless you count licking the postage stamp.

Flyin Ties” launches an interactive bit of garment care, allowing you to mail your stained ties from your desk so they can extract the coffee, mustard, or lipstick you’ve managed to spatter across all that expensive silk …

… and that involuntary cringe was unwarranted, you knew it was only a matter of time before someone named something after our favorite bit of dyslexia …