Category Archives: Nothing to do with Fishing

Sex and Fishing, like Peas and Carrots

I’ve always linked sex and fishing and assumed the pair inseparable.

My fishing has always been a curious form of “date rape”, that despite my best efforts at planning an expedition to coincide with a locales peak fishing, I usually miss the best hatch and must listen to how “last week” was epic and now … not so much.

I (We) consult bosses, horoscopes, tide tables, Ouiji boards, psychics, priests, homeless neighborhood shaman, and our shrink, for signs as to when to leave, where to go, what to throw, and despite all the careful preparation we’re forced to relay our lack of success using terms of sex and violence, both intentional and unwitting.

If concerned coworkers inquire, or are curious as to the source of a visible bruise or abrasion, I’ll attempt to save face with some petulant comment involving the watershed, my adversary. and sex, where we were the unwilling “bottom” in the coupling, or in the instance of a successful trip, how we raped and pillaged our quarry without thought to his/her feelings, nor the moral consequences of our crime.

I’ve always assumed that backpacking fishermen like their suffering, and their sex, rough … and those favoring “glamping,” select guides and accomodations as they’d choose a hooker and motel room. Regardless of the flavour of your favorite kink, we always blame our inadequacies or premature conclusion on external factors; rain, wind, or insect activity – completely ignoring the obvious … that we rarely practice, and are fumbling our way through nearly every encounter.

With these musings as backdrop, I was recently surprised to read that most forms of sex and fishing are illegal, and the only reason trout streams aren’t echoing of police sirens and whose bankside vegetation masks undercover officers, is that we are licensed for purient behavior, under the auspices of Department of Fish and Game, and the folks being hauled off to jail lack immunity (and a license).

Hallam, from Dolphin Sands in Tasmania’s south-east was charged with two counts of making or reproducing a bestiality product and three counts of possessing a bestiality product

Due to the pending nature of the trial, information is thankfully scant, but we can assume rods, vests, waders, are considered props and/or accessories, subject to confiscation or contribute to additional charges. Ditto for any photograph depicting you and your dripping quarry, no matter whom is assuming the dominant role.

Neither am i sure of the quality of reporting, given the perpetrator was wielding “a live brown trout” in an ocean environment. Looks like my stilted prose and questionable source materials are rivaled by our obviously non-fishing, Jimmy Olsen ..

More importantly, as we don’t yet know the statute of limitations for past offences, it may be time to purge your camera, social media accounts, and accumulated scrapbooks of past sordid exploits.

Me and the Colonial Pipeline, which hostile Nation State did I offend?

dogecoinActually, I’m flattered … First the Colonial Pipeline was hacked and disrupted the entire East Coast’s supply of gas and aviation fuel, then Singlebarbed was hacked and disrupted the flow of poorly punctuated angling fantasy to both coasts.

Flattered … because I had not realized that we had become “Critical Infrastructure”, I still assumed our questionable wit and halting prose was worth less than nothing, but I was dead wrong. Obviously some hostile nation state assumed we were in line for a big chunk of Biden’s Infrastructure funding and attempted to convert their larceny into Billions in DogeCoin..

We’re back, a little worse for the wear, and as poorly punctuated as ever.

Not Much Left Other than Fish

It’s been a month since the LNU Lightning Complex fire was contained around Lake Berryessa, and with no change in the status on the Bureau of Reclamation’s website, I took a run up there to eyeball what had burned and determine if the webmaster was simply lazy – or whether the infrastructure impacts were as bad as expected.

While I hoped for the former, it appears to be the latter ..

BerryessaLNU02020

The above picture (taken between the dam and Markley Cove) shows how the fire burnt down to the water’s edge and apparently burned hot enough to wipe the area of most of the vegetation.

The upper slopes of the lake faired even worse, as the surrounding hillsides were much drier and burnt much more completely, leaving their slopes completely featureless. The below picture shows the mountains above the Markley / Pleasure Cove area.

BerryHillsideLNU2020700

Roads in the area of the dam are choked with debris due to an aggressive hazard mitigation effort. Charred Oak trees and Digger Pine are perched precariously on the steep slopes above the highway and crews are removing the worst of the trees by skidding them  down the hillside into waiting trucks or stacking them into the available parking turnouts.

BerryLogging2020700

Because of the narrow roads and large equipment both flag men and delays are commonplace. Logging and the heavy equipment associated with handling the debris have reduced the road to a single lane of traffic metered by guide vehicles and punctuated by numerous stops.

The Markley Cove store is no more. The marina and launch facilities appear intact, as do the numerous pleasure craft moored to the floating docks, but boat launches are forbidden and the area closed.

MarkleyStore2020700

Above is all that remains of the Markley Cove store. Access to the launch ramps are currently blocked by security (due to a combination of the bureau’s closure of the lake and the need to protect the remaining property from gawkers and looting).

What’s apparent is the appalling amount of lifeless dirt and rock that’s exposed to the elements and the potential for erosion once the rains start. As the entire lake was surrounded by the LNU Lightning Complex, and it burned to the water’s edge in so many places, there’s little chance that significant mitigation  can be completed in time for Winter.  Spring runoff will deliver a big slug of sediment into the lake and its tributaries, and it’s likely we’ll see numerous road closures due to unstable banks and periodic mud slides .

Putah Creek is liable to suffer a similar fate.

Putah Creek drains Berryessa, and being the closest bonafide trout stream to San Francisco, commands frequent visitors and much vehicle traffic. While the Putah Creek campground and resort facility were spared, much of the drainage below the campground was burned severely. The fire charred the banks of the wide portion of Putah (dubbed Lake Solano), and the area between it and the resort was burned worse than I’ve seen it in past fire seasons. I would expect sediment issues in the creek itself as the far bank and its vegetation was largely obliterated.

In short, stay away.

Until the roadways are restored driving anywhere near the lake is a steady dose of idling waiting for a pilot car, or threading your way between a chipper/shredder and a parked logging truck. I’d guess the stretches with trees will be cleared rather quickly, and the areas with destroyed structures will remain problematic as they attempt to dig out what remains and the truck traffic associated with the debris removal will remain high for the foreseeable future.

California Fish and Game to Vote on Possible Closure to Opening Day

California anglers are advised to check the Department of Fish and Game’s website tomorrow, as DFG and their respective Fisheries Commissions  will be meeting  to determine whether there will be partial or general closure of the upcoming trout season.

The issue is straightforward; will the migration of anglers from the Big City to the woods due to the Opening Day of trout season bring the COVID-19 virus from the urban centers into the relative pristine of less populated counties?

Nationwide this issue is being debated by many states. Ohio has ceased selling out of state licenses, Alabama, New York, and Pennsylvania have insisted fishing is fine – so long as distancing is observed, and other states have suggested it prudent to stay indoors and not fish – but have no specific prohibition against the activity.

Some states have declared fishing to be a “non-essential” activity and shut down lodges and guiding as an industry. Any angler considering of an out-of-state angling venue should check on the status of both their ability to get a license and whether lodging, guides, fishing, and facilities will be available.

Hardcore anglers have always been isolationists – so the general public is relatively safe from us congregating in any form, it’s the more social amateur fishermen that the state is concerned about. Opening Day is an excuse for the casual social types to drink to excess, blow daylight through living things, four wheel into prohibited areas, and kill without limit, and all of these social graces likely to spread the COVID-19 pestilence.

If fishing is permitted this year it is prudent to check on the availability of camping – as many of state parks are already closed due to COVID-19, and it’s possible that motels and commercial options will be impacted as well. All of the National Parks are already closed, including Yosemite and Yellowstone, and it’s unclear when they will reopen or whether angling will be affected with additional restrictions.

It’s a drought year, so if you setup a spike camp in the woods, please watch that fire ..

Use that COVID-19 induced idleness to prep for trout Season

Shelterinplace300It’s likely your supervisor sent you home with an ill defined “work from home” edict that was hurriedly dumped in his lap from corporate.  For most  of us that amounts to “checking your email” coupled with online meetings as our only obligation.

With trout season a short month away, and your boss hoping you won’t show for the next couple of weeks, what’s a home bound self-reliant angler to do with all that extra time?

Shelter in place, hopefully.

As cataclysms of this magnitude are never foreseen and rarely welcome, one thing is certain,  sitting at home mesmerized by the plummeting value of your 401K is neither pleasant nor entertaining – and while a bit of idleness may be welcome, this is hardly what you had in mind for an ersatz holiday.

As “shelter in place” comes with numerous restrictions our normal angling time wasting pursuits of womanizing and drinking are off limits. Not because we’ve lost interest or suffered a sudden moral imperative … they involve people and are therefore ill advised.

Rather than fixating on the Stock Market or chewing fingernails over the prospects of future employment, focus on all those tackle related housekeeping chores you gleefully ignore each Winter, and get your vest and its contents ready for any opportunities that show them selves over the next couple of months.

Even if the COVID-19 virus is short-lived the economic effects will take awhile to work themselves through the world’s economy. It’ s likely numerous disruptions associated with all that supply-chain upheaval may keep you at home for the Trout Season Opener, so it’s an opportune moment to focus on some of the small pleasures that remain – instead of all the horrid news streaming at you from every device.

THINGS TO DO WHILE UNDER HOUSE-ARREST

Check all backing knots and retie them

Most of us haven’t caught anything bigger than fifteen inches in the last couple of seasons and the last time your backing knot saw daylight was the day you tied it. You’ve been promising to check all your terminal tackle for the last decade and always “shine” the responsibility, now that you’re enjoying some enforced idleness why don’t you peel that floating line off of your reel, test the backing, retie the knot, and reel it through a damp cloth with a dab of silicon gel.

The result will be about six additional feet with every cast, which may be enough to reach that enormous trout that surfaced in midstream …

Unbox all of your flies and touch up the hook points

It’s prudent to pull all of your flies out and check for rust, moth damage, and dull hooks, and while you’re at it, inventory the lot. COVID-19 is likely to disrupt the fly tying centers; India, Sri Lanka, and Malaysia – and may cause some fly patterns to be in short supply. Now may be the time to inventory and assess what’s missing, so toss all those that are rusting badly, and sharpen what remains.

While you’re at it, pinch all their barbs, as you’ll lose a few when the entire point cracks off –and can replace them now before the rest of us realize we’re light on #16 Adams.

Read that book you bought and wanted to read

Over the last couple of decades fly fishing has dwindled to a few time-tested techniques and a couple of new ways to cast. Exacting imitation has given way to attractors, and many of the tools and techniques we’ve enjoyed for the last hundred years lie dormant – while we “high stick” or spey-everything.

Chances are you’ve got a couple of books tucked away that may reacquaint you with Flymphs, wet flies, the Leisenring Lift, or any number of hoary and ancient techniques that still work wonderfully. “Mini-jigs” and articulated awesomeness are just fine – and so are many of the simple things that don’t involve Tungsten or 11 foot rods.

Learn how to tie flies

I learned to tie flies from books – which is a fate I would not wish on and enemy. With Youtube resources and Internet-ready big screen TV’s, learning how to tie flies is easier than ever.

Fly tying is the next best option to fishing, but it’s akin to buying a house if you get overly enamored. Chicken feathers cost considerably more than a 20 piece Kentucky Colonel, so you’re trading up for the skills but the price for all that dry fly dander can be truly breathtaking.

Practice casting and rid yourself of that tailing loop

Most of us practice casting while fishing, instead of warming up those skills prior to the season Opener. As fly casting is both hazardous to those behind you as well as yourself, now is the time to work out those kinks in the safety of your backyard, rather than waist deep in your favorite trout stream. Considering how much time is spent unsnarling the knots caused by tailing loops and the flies lost by an ill-timed forward cast, it pays to practice prior to your first trip afield – rather than repeating all that unspeakable horror when armed with a sharp hook.

I’m sure you’ll opt for “none of the above” but at the minimum, start exercising those leg muscles so you’ve got options once you’re waist deep in the current. The distance you’re able to travel from the parked car will determine the population density of your competitors and who’ll will have to cough to clear a spot in the pool …

Seduced by the menu Photo

menuburgerEating the damn things has never adequately explained our zest for rising before dawn and spending the day waist deep in icy water.

I’ve always assumed that as our ability to hunt and gather is trodden upon by the more Urbane branch of Homo Metrosexualis,  whose tiny dog barks menacingly from their apartment window, whose owner is indifferent to Nature as the call of handheld electronics is twice as compelling, forces us Outdoorsmen to funnel our aggression into stomping life out of things smaller than us.

An inconvenient truth, given how we’ve attempted to make our sport politically correct with the, “we don’t eat them anymore” mantra.

A decade of reality shows celebrating People Behaving Badly and more recently, Presidential debates that are anything but, suggest Man may have reached a tipping point, his intellect on the wane and his base nature rules the day.

The research into how fish interpret and integrate sensory information, led by School of Biomedical Sciences ARC Future Fellow Dr Ethan Scott, could improve understanding of how humans combine senses like sight, touch and sound to create a complete experience.

With science now examining fish and their senses to understand Man’s interaction with his surroundings, it offers anglers a unique insight into behavior they see from our quarry yet mirrored in society at large.

Like “schooling” on freeways, “bottom feeding”  the Internet for amusement, and “rising” at anything feminine at the bar; first at the unusually well formed insects, and as the hours and drinks pass, the classic “smutting rise” for spin-sters, cripples, and anything else described as,  “… a ten at two.”

Those of us not capable of stalking and killing our own food return from the field to hunt in restaurants.  It should be no surprise that both fish and humans prefer fast food, as a mayfly spun through a riffle is as elusive as the menu picture of a savory meal – both promise much and are elusive to capture …

Turgid tomatoes, lush green lettuce, crisp onion slices, melting cheeses, and bubbling meats buttressed by soft breads; things that exist at the peak of ripeness, rich in color, damp with moisture, and  lure us like a majestically tied artificial. Proportions perfect, torso chiseled and regal, dancing on the water prior to leaping skyward,  wings taut, upright,  and drying rapidly. …

FattyAP

… and like our pellet fed surrogate, we fall for the SOB just just as hard.

Tasty awesomeness rolls over the lip to vanish in a dose of reality, as sodden paper bag borne of plastic tray delivers the congealing  lumpy turd through the driver side window.

Red tomatoes now mushy and pale, lettuce trending into the yellow-olive and drooping into the greasy unmentionable leakage from the patty of meat-like substance.

Our senses are fine, and while we recognize the lumpy thread whip finish or gleaming gold bead isn’t part of a mayfly, like the fish we’ll consume the gelatinous mass anyway. … hoping some hidden spice mixture alters “Powerbait” into a feast fit for royalty.

The rich reds, and damp greens of the menu vanish in favor of the the “well chewed” imitation – which arrives sandwiched between Clinch and Split Shot .. (or the canned peas and imitation Ice Milk.)

Assuming that pollution in streams is a rough approximation of  tomatoes grown for toughness rather than flavor, and vegetables picked green and ripened under the reefer’s fluorescent glare, there’s something fair in all this.

Learning of our willingness to suffer and explaining another’s plight in similar terms may shed light on the way we think, but the visuals aren’t so much the issue. Our willingness to settle may neatly explain both the well chewed fly and how anything made from Dog hair and Owl feathers rivals blister packed cheddar … or the attractiveness of an offshore-tied Parachute Adams.

My life as a female, or 50 shades of Bruce jenner

IDThiefBeen distracted of late.

Obviously my dissertation on modern fly tying and its reliance on synthetics has raised the hackles of organized crime, as my identity has been besieged ever since.

First it was all of my banking that was shifted to Anaheim, California. That got my attention quickly enough, and I was forced to backpedal on all those “Southern California lawn” posts.

Then all that extremely good credit I’d built up over a lifetime was leveraged with acres of new plastic, in both my name and my new feminine nom de plume, “Melinda Mendez.”

… and that might not be all bad. “Melinda” gives me that “cover” appeal that my Aging and Portly never achieved, and the angling world will hang on my every word.

Unfortunately, the only writing I’ve been doing is clearing what remains of my prior identity and swearing with great violence of late. I freeze credit, file police reports, put fraud alerts on all the credit bureaus, and then find my mail has been rerouted elsewhere.

As I’ve been on the periphery of this line of work for some time, I’ve been quite lucky. I already had a credit watchdog prior to the attack, and like all the other 80,000,000 Blue Cross-Blue Shield-Anthem Health users, I am finding out that Internet is not much of a pal anymore.

Internet 1.0 was porn, 2.0 was e-Commerce, and 3.0 appears to be Cyber war … so the festivities are just getting started.

It’ll take More than fries and a smile

The title appeared innocent enough, but its import sent a chill down my spine.

Inference and Science are never mixed without trouble, as inference is the opposite of scientific rigor. While I instinctively understood that my “connecting the dots” was a leap of faith, the conclusion was so hellish as to ensure our beloved pastime is threatened …

“ Female bats are fussier than males when it comes choosing where to eat in urban areas …”

Knowing that Mother Nature often shares her constructs across species, and buttressed by my personal experiences that Human Females share the same tendencies as  bats, suggest this behavior is present in  fish as well.

Make_Trout_Want

For most this will be a yawner, but knowing most of the freshwater fish in the world live in environments rich in Estrogen and are steeped in female hormones, and noting Science has indicted the water treatment folks with their callous extermination of gonads of all types, suggests the bulk of our quarry are at minimum transgender … or are already female.

As such they’ll develop the rarified palate and be doubly difficult to catch.

What Science has yet to explain is whether a “sale” tag on the fly will make them eat more often, or whether they’ll simply browse your fly box without touching anything.

For those scoffing at my reach of the available facts, note that like Human males, male bats settle …

Males, on the other hand, seem to be less particular and are just as likely to be found settling for poorer-quality woodland patches next to built-up areas. (Via Physorg)

Both species having low self esteem in common, and don’t pay much attention to the quality of what they stuff in their gob …

In male cuttlefish, mated behaviour was not affected by female receptivity; however, familiarity with the female did affect male mating behaviour. Males exerted a strong preference for unfamiliar females ..  (Via Physorg)

Males settle … and in females, prefer some “Strange” …

I don’t make this stuff up, I infer it, which is way better.

Takes a licking and keeps on ticking …

An observant fellow notes a trout swimming in a Swiss lake appears odd, and discovers trout are evolving natural defenses against the local Osprey …

swissarmy_trout430

While I don’t think the Timex watch is a Swiss invention, it engenders new respect for a heretofore fragile salmonid.

swissarmy_trout2430

I imagine the local Osprey are likely perfecting the Immelmann and how best to engage fish using, “Death from the Side.”

… and you hunch over to protect all the sensitive bits

While I’m not entirely certain what felled me, the romantic version involves the rushing of air overhead, a flash of yellow, and then the snarl of a bright yellow plane climbing for altitude. It’s the Brownliner’s version of hearing the squeal of skidding tires in an intersection, yet instead of the sickening crunch that follows, we get the oily vapors of some nameless chemical descending from above.

While crop dusters are part of the watershed, the guessing game resulting from being dusted ranges the full gamut. Plane screams by overhead and chemical follow; by midweek either the thinning spot on your head has filled in noticeably – complements of fertilizer, or is thinning further, due to Paraquat.

cropduster432

You’re never sure whether the guy saw you and mashed the nipple to cover you in something he thought hilarious, or it’s your luck that made you emerge from the undergrowth just in time to take a shellacking.

I spent a week scratching most of my nether half, from crown to ankles, so the Math is fairly simple. Half the time it’s fertilizer and the other half is something to kill crop pests, and all the time they’re unwelcome.

Or it was that new concentrated purple-label Tide that smelled to high heaven. It’s even scarier to assume something that’s supposed to clean you up is more caustic than airborne Bug B Gone …