Author Archives: KBarton10

Twenty Percent less bathing for Californians

They’ve done the “nasty” and as the details emerge we’ll find out whose lobby held firm as others quavered.

The California Legislature signed the hotly debated water legislation late yesterday, and while it doesn’t provide for a peripheral canal, it hasn’t ruled one out either.

The creation of an oversight committee for the Delta, which like all oversight – is defined by how much was contributed to the Governor’s war chest – and dominated by political appointees who show only for the Croissants…

— A new seven-member board to oversee the Sacramento-San Joaquin River Delta. The board would consist of gubernatorial and legislative appointees, along with the head of an existing delta commission. The board could approve a controversial peripheral canal to channel water around the delta.

They’ll ensure that a trickle makes it to San Francisco Bay.

Us citizens, we get to pay for the 11 billion dollars of infrastructure – which will be deployed around 2015 – ensuring it costs twice as much due to inflation and the decline of US currency. The Good News is we get to vote on it, which is the bad news too.

The idea of paying for all that infrastructure by charging those that use it was shot down – as was the removal and watering-down of the penalties for illegal diversion.

… and we get to absorb a 20% cut in our freshwater while paying for the privilege – unless you live in San Francisco or Los Angeles, in which case you’re exempt as you never shower. All the rest of us citizens will be required to reduce our water usage 20% below our current levels.

A 20-percent conservation mandate for urban areas, with credits for cities that have made significant conservation efforts. Agricultural entities will have to follow best practices for water use.

… and the best practice for agricultural has been to irrigate desert, remain profitable, and sell what’s left to Las Vegas or Phoenix.

I sound skeptical and I’ve a right to be. Consensus amongst politicians rarely involves the Greater Good, and votes seem to be acquiring a more sinister note, akin to “everyone who got over on the populace raise your hand.” Ensuring each municipality gets their fare share of a diminished resource.

“I believe this measure is so bulked up with pork that it is going to sink under the weight of its own pork when voters are asked to vote on it next year,” said Assemblyman Chuck DeVore, R-Irvine, who voted against the bond.”

If the details live up to the negotiations, I’d say it’ll have no chance whatsoever. A lot of disgruntled folks that resent having to pay for the bank and automobile bailouts – could easily perceive some pork barrel water project as more of the same.

Me, I’ll ferret details and continue to vote out everyone from that shadowy third political party called, “Incumbent.”

Tags: California water wars, 11 billion water infrastructure bill, pork, big agriculture, peripheral canal, personal opinion

California State Parks, weekday closures commence

Closures to California state parks began yesterday in response to Governor Schwarzenegger’s request that the State Parks & Recreation budget save $14.2 million over the coming winter.

In order to avoid full closure, many parks are closing during the weekdays, which spares the larger populace but may inconvenience steelhead anglers that snuck a Monday or Friday off …

Anglers within California would be advised to keep an eye on the Parks & Recreation department’s web site as the only listing of affected parks appears as a daily news item.

Notices have been posted for selected counties. The Mendocino county notice mentions impacts to the Russian River gulch, Navarro, and Van Damme, parks/watersheds.

The service reductions came about through a process wherein each of the State Parks’ District Superintendents designed a plan for specific reductions tailored for each park within their respective district. The plans included all 279 parks within the statewide system.

A lot of Porta-potty removals, reductions in allowed camping spots, and outright weekday closures, just enough to gum up a weekday pilgrimage for chrome.

Tags: California state park closures, California budget deficit, Russian River, Navarra River, Van Damme, Porta-Potty, steelhead fishing

Like Ed Zern said, “To hell with fishing …”

Finding $87,000 while wandering about the riverbank fishing caused a stir a couple of months ago. In the US that kind of money wears felt soles – and heisting the equivalent in tackle would only take a couple of rolls of duct tape and a couple of unwary, yet well appointed, fly fishermen …

… but if you want priceless, you’ll roll your eyes over the latest find, a couple cases of Scotch Whiskey left under one of the huts abandoned by Ernest Shackleton, on one of his ill fated Antarctic expeditions.

Two cases of Shackleton's Private Reserve

Polar explorers of that era relied on their alcohol of choice to help them and their crews through the long Antarctic nights and insomnia-inducing days. And Shackleton knew a thing or two about being well prepared for an adventure. On a later trip to the continent he kept all 28 members of his crew alive during 15 harrowing months after their ship got marooned in and then slowly devoured by ice. So it’s no surprise that he brought 25 crates of Scotch with him when he set off on an expedition to the South Pole in 1907.

Left undiscovered in the ice for over 100 years – found in 2006 by curators, who are about to drill the crates loose from their icy tomb.

While Christie’s, Sotheby’s, or EBay come to mind – you’ll have to drink it all in Antartica:

An international treaty dictates that the crates, and any intact bottles that are inside, remain in Antarctica unless they need to be taken off the continent for conservation reasons.

… which really shouldn’t be much problem, considering. Just shake the ice cubes out of your mustache if you need to freshen that glass a wee bit.

Tags: Ernest Shackleton, Scotch Whisky, ebay, scotch on the rocks, literally

We mourn our creek by testing the mettle of what our water grew

Sure I’m bitter and resentful but as a lay scientist I thought I’d find out first hand which is higher in my esteem, cheap produce or inedible fish.

If we measure just the carbon footprint, fish win. But as half of the populace disagrees with it being an issue, and despite my frantic attempts at dodging semi’s loaded with bell peppers and tomatoes, it’s a poor measure of inherent value.

I needed a common metric that was unimpeachable, some simplistic test that would be readily apparent to the casual onlooker, yet was based solely on the respective merits of the two species.

At ease in the current

Bell Peppers aren’t bad on pizza or a good hearty stew, and assuming the flatulence they cause is due to potential energy stored within its fibrous core, would that translate into a horrific struggle when they feel the sting of steel, or would it be like most produce – requiring farm machinery and a good waxing before showing signs of life?

The biggest Capsicum like an "ass down, stem up" sunny lie

Capsicum don’t range far for food, but don’t spook much either. They take surface flies extremely well as most of their food is delivered aerially – by both plane and tractor. Patience, coupled with their cunning predatory instincts allows them to remain motionless and invisible – despite the noise and commotion of nearby farm equipment.

The Pepper Cast, Right at 'em I caught this gaggle of “Red’s” growing flaccid in the sunlight – approaching them directly and casting right at the alpha bell itself …

As I’d never landed a bell pepper in full mating plumage, I wasn’t sure what to expect.

They’re bulky and muscular and retain their texture despite frying, boiling, or baking, so I was hoping they’d give a reasonable account of themselves – some small payback for extincting the fish in my creek.

I felt a brief jolt when I stripped the fly through the pack and set hook tentatively, unsure whether to get the reel handle clear of the vest or whether to duck to avoid incoming angered Capsicum. The lead pepper was clearly startled by the hook – and came out of the rye grass like an avenging angel …

Airborne and headed away in a hurry, and I’m frantically “bowing” to the beast each time it clears the fescue.

It stem-walked towards a couple of fir trees, and I’m leaning into the butt section trying to steer opposite – thankful that I’d rigged an 0X tippet.

It was plain this wasn’t merely a red pepper, it was likely a “Waldo” Pepper – known for aerial hyjinks and often sport a similar coloration when drinking heavily or during harvest months…

I start gaining line back, I may land it

The leader knot is getting close and I entertain visions of landing this brute. I’d tucked a plain brown double-bagger into my vest hoping sight of a familiar shopping bag with its welcoming Halloween colors and festive label would serve me better than the expected violence once “Waldo” spied the unfamiliar net.

The hero shot, with upchuck

Like the Roma tomato I fought earlier, aerial antics appear to jostle the delicate internal organs of Capsicum Annum as well. It’s unfortunate, despite the heroics shown early in the fight, these internal injuries tend to take the starch out of the quarry if the battle is prolonged.

Any chance of “Catch and Release” will require a firm authoritative hand on the rod in order to keep the fight decisive and short.

As the rest of the bushel was alert to my presence, I faded back onto the patio and let them “cool” a little.

In summary, a tenacious yet fragile foe. A bit of Smallmouth bass mixed with the aerial grace of a deflated football, try not to get any on you …

They’re not a complete replacement for my beloved Salmon, Pikeminnow, Carp, and all the other tainted inhabitants of the local waters … but if I was “hope to die” desperate and needed to get bit, they’d be right up there with rabid dogs and hookers.

Tags: Capsicum Annum, red bell pepper, angling for vegetables, catch and release, fly fishing humor, tippet, rabid dogs, hookers

Why we’re never consulted on game design

I’ve got more than my fair share of hideous vices but gambling hasn’t been one of them…

… actually I should retract that, as fishermen are among the most egregious gamblers known, we risk time, money, and domestic bliss on every throw of the rod.

it was the fly that caught my attention

It was the fly that caught my attention. A small blurb about the launch of three new online slot games, and while the fishing theme struck a chord I still couldn’t figure how it would translate to the degenerate gambling crowd.

When the fisherman appears on reels 1 and 5 at the same time, the Fly Fishing Bonus begins. During this bonus game, you’ll be able to choose 5 fish from the river in front of you. The fish have multiplier prizes ranging from 2X to 15X.

I guess they figure fly fishing was such a sure thing that you just point at the fish and they swim to your feet, light the charcoal and fillet themselves …

The game designer is obviously a genius with zero’s and one’s – but he’s never fished in his (or her) life. We know the reality:

… When the fisherman appears on reels 1 and 5 at the same time, the Fly Fishing Bonus begins. During this bonus game, you’ll insert 15 more coins, resulting in a blast of arctic air from the console, and a small spigot will appear waist high and pizzle icy water down your pants leg.

You’ll be able to see 5 fish from the river in front of you, three will be too deep, one will be out of casting range, and the last one – the largest, will simply ignore you.

Not likely to set any casino records for coin inhalation – what with a bunch of guys holding newspapers on their lap so the waitress doesn’t see the spreading dampness.

… not to mention her asking for ID every time she brings a watered down drink.

Tags: online casino, fly fishing game, Alaska fishing, degenerate gamblers, degenerate fishermen, fly fishing for money, vices, gambling fishermen

Did that Mayfly just wing past hawking Taco Bell?

A German company unleashes tiny winged advertising on conventioneers, is this a portend of what fly shops will be springing on us come Opening Day?

The exploitation of farmed mayflies, each dancing about with a gaily colored banner, “A #16 Royal Wulff would’ve caught that fish, now on sale at Big 5.”

Bug activity has always been a welcome sight, but with insects outnumbering humans will we still think that way after a couple regiments of Taco Bell Hexagenia?

Tags: winged advertising, Taco Bell, Hexagenia, Royal Wulff

How to jumpstart a legend

It’s Life’s Darkest Moment. All them hours painstakingly crafting a weekend trip to a trophy lake known only to a handful of trustworthy associates who aren’t, and its azure beauty has been despoiled by hordes of fly fishermen from some club somewheres …

Normally you don’t mind sharing, but those thousands of pre-trip hours spent daydreaming in your cubicle sold you on solitude, voracious fish, and the entire wilderness experience.

Not to worry.

Singlebarbed's Farce Fins Act nonchalant as you change out your fins for the Singlebarbed’s “Farce Fins.” Paddle through their fish and once all eyes are focused on you, lift a foot out of the water, scream – and beat a trail of froth back to the beach.

A squeeze bottle of Ketchup tucked in the bib of your waders completes the effect.

While you sob on the sand, to the consternation of the assembled throng and their apprehensive spouses, produce some frayed object and claim it’s a bite mark from a hideous gigantic beast that thought you were a food group.

Skeptics will be pulled from the water by their wives, no need to be too convincing, just remember to gasp Loch Ness rather than Elliot Ness ..

Tags: Float tube, Loch Ness, Elliot Ness, Mermaid fins, fly fishing stillwater, Ketchup, life’s darkest moment

Will smart gadgets be as fashionable if they’re honest?

You can only wrap graphite or mount cork on a cylinder in so many ways. Once you’ve run through the gamut of blank colors, off setting trim, and hook keepers, why not mimic Microsoft and start adding stuff no one asked for?

Especially now that all the gadgets will be getting smart …

Wi-Fi Direct will make it easier to liberate the mounting gigabytes of digital family photos that are trapped in cameras, smart phones or PCs. Now those gadgets will be able to connect directly to digital photo frames, TVs or printers.

Add Twitter into the mix and every hooked fish, tree limb, and extremity can be immortalized in a vast stream of consciousness guaranteed to have the folks at home blowing snot bubbles.

Temp 54F. Wind SE 10 mph. Tree contact. Rock. Elevated angler blood pressure. Fish miss – estimate 4”. Vertical attitude adjustment. Sensor submerged. submerged. lateral drift. Angler vocal …photograph taken, posted to Facebook…

Back at the office, we’ll be undressed in mid pantomime – while insisting the fish was 18” long and fought for hours, when everyone’s already seen our Facebook page and listened to us swearing over the Twitter feed.

Rod companies can imbed cameras, sensors, weights and measurement, dispense fly floatant or insect repellant from the rod handle, and record it all for posterity – uploading it to the Internet as soon as we get within cell coverage.

Fly fishermen and the gadget obsession is the stuff of legend, but without complete control over content and censorship, we’d never ask for a “smart” rod that made an accurate record of our outing.

… leaving the rod companies to insist we need it, that it’s lighter than air, and spin our skepticism into something we think necessary and vital.

With a memory stick tucked in the vest and device-to-device communication we could store thousands of images and sensory data that would be embarrassing to us – yet a boon to science. We’re willing to abandon felt soles for the Greater Good, why not embrace honesty for an even greater fisheries reward?

… until that fellow up-riffle sidles closer, hacks into our data and starts downloading all the flies we’ve tried and their result. The canny angler will have his “master caution” light start to blink at first intrusion so he can grab a smart rock and …

Tags: Wifi Direct, fly fishing gadgets, facebook, twitter, Internet, smart rods, graphite, fly floatant, fisheries

Abducted by aliens makes a better story

That's a lot of backing

A Pale Shadow of a Man, the rise of the PIRM and his quest for outdoor supremacy

Science claims you’re all pansies.

The “Post-Industrial Revolution Male”, whose big mouth, failing testosterone levels, and receding hairline mask a flaccid imitation of pre-Industrial Man. The surge of adrenalin that served us so well outrunning Sabertooth tigers, has dwindled to a sputtering trickle reserved for the driver ahead whose signal to merge has offended you mightily.

“…humans have lost 40 percent of the shafts of the long bones because they are no longer subjected to the kind of muscular loads that were normal before the industrial revolution.”

… implying a Cro-Magnon Steve Rajeff could have thrown his fly rod 236 feet impaling an unwary Impala through the eye … The same grain-fed post-Industrial version throws only the line a similar distance, kills nothing, and we’re awestruck.

Twenty thousand years ago six male Australian Aborigines chasing prey left footprints in a muddy lake shore that became fossilized. Analysis of the footprints shows one of them was running at 37 kph (23 mph), only 5 kph slower than Usain Bolt was traveling at when he ran the 100 meters in world record time of 9.69 seconds in Beijing last year. But Bolt had been the recipient of modern training, and had the benefits of spiked running shoes and a rubberized track, whereas the Aboriginal man was running barefoot in soft mud. Given the modern conditions, the man, dubbed T8, could have reached speeds of 45 kph, according to McAllister.

They were bigger, meaner, built from “whang” leather, and could run across the Savannah without pausing for drive thru’s or using Google Maps, surviving on warm pond water and a handful of jerked meat.

… which is the lecture every son receives from his Poppa when he reminisces of his generation and hardships .. It’s committed to memory, we endured it each time we asked for money or car keys.

”The photographs showed Tutsi initiation ceremonies in which young men had to jump their own height in order to be accepted as men. Some of them jumped as high as 2.52 meters, which is higher than the current world record of 2.45 meters.

But real stress wasn’t associated with outrunning a dinosaur, it appears avoiding matrimony may have been just as strenuous …

“…women of the extinct hominids such as the Neanderthals carried around 10 percent more muscle than modern European men, and with training could have reached 90 percent of the bulk of Arnold Schwarzenegger at his physical prime. Her shorter lower arm would have given her a great advantage in an arm wrestle, and she could easily have slammed his arm to the table.”

Which is the reason that aborigine was doing “45 in a 25.” It’s plain that our paternal ancestors organized early, initiating some type of selective breeding and evolution has given us an additional nudge. Women have necks, smell sweeter than we do, and I’ve not surrendered the remote from my nerveless, flaccid grip in weeks.

Tags: post-Industrial Man, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Neanderthal matrimony, Steve Rajeff, aborigine,