Author Archives: KBarton10

It would’ve taken the angling world by storm

RRyouexpectVisions of me and Rachel Ray, the soft tinkle of fine crystal and a dusty carafe of aged spirits – small-talking our way through the commercial break …

The book signings, the adoring fans, followed by the reality show and ample syndication stream.

Instead I’m spiraling back to earth as another blogger has unveiled the “Ultimate Brownliner Cookbook”, without so much as a mention of the proper rinse cycle for Mercury abatement, or a simple descriptive on rendering toxic algae bloom less so.

While I can’t say “E.V.O.O” with a straight face, our dishwasher repertoire includes liberal applications of “TCG” lozenges to rid our prey of that cloying muddy taste.

Tags: dishwasher cuisine, fish recipes, brownliner sterile, Rachel Ray, EVOO

The dawn of the Boutique fish

With all the genes being sprayed at the tasty fish we should’ve known eventually we might get something other than a soft docile lump, content with pellet feed and milling aimlessly within its concrete lined habitat.

All the gnashing of teeth and mention of asterisks will be done away with … and by them that protested the most. Mother Nature’s version of the Brown, Rainbow, or Brookie won’t be able to compete – and we’ll be writing congressmen insisting our stream should be the next stocked.

Ten years of research has conceived the genetically super strain of Rainbow Trout, complete with six pack abdominals, broad shoulders, and  capable of peeling 400 yards of backing in a single run, adores mayflies, and can chew through dams and fallen logs.

According to Bradley, the number of muscle fibers in mammals is limited after birth, but in fish, muscle fiber numbers increase throughout their lifespan. Since inhibition of myostatin increases the numbers of muscle fibers, it had been a mystery as to whether inhibiting myostatin would cause an increase in muscle growth in fish.

-via University of Rhode Island

The problem is us. Once ova are commercially available and the barest of research is complete, some land owner will insist on adding “Bonehead Rainbow” to the upper reaches of his property – or some big city charismatic with visions of dollar signs will lease some drainage ditch and start selling memberships.

What fisherman could resist? Plentiful and enormous, able to leap tall buildings with a single bound, and a known weakness for Peacock herl.

Twice the musculature as the normal fish and a viable breeding population that’ll shoulder the hatchery fish aside while racing up the Mississippi to eat all them scaredy-cat Asian Carp, then clean the beaches of small children, wino’s, and miniature poodles …

… while we clap and shout encouragement.

It’s in our nature. We’re practitioners of a classic blood sport, callous to pain and disfigurement, willing to complain loudly when something tastes bad or smells poorly, but in this we cannot be trusted.

Didymo looks like Goat puke, but if we could smoke it – or it had some form of innate beauty, I doubt we’d wrinkle a brow over its invasive qualities. Big muscular salmonids are what we’ve dreamed about for the last couple hundred years – and we’ll be complaining with great fervor should someone take exception to their spread.

License sales will soar, tackle will be obsolesced overnight, vendors will be ecstatic, and the rarified experiences of the pricey remote lodges will be available to the newly frugal.

Trophy lakes with named fish will lead the way, IGFA officials will be in a tizzy – and the former purists will find themselves alone with a dusty rack of salmon eggs, while the rest of us troll T-bones and wonder which of our neighbors is worthy of a ripped, muscle-bound fish whose delicate flavor is reminiscent of Tang mixed with stale bread.

Having posted on this subject two years ago, the only surprise is they’re here already.

Tags: genetically superior trout, superstrain, IGFA, Peacock herl, Bonehead Rainbow, Donny Beaver, goat puke, salmonids, genetic engineering, rainbow trout

Your Honor, a poor knot doesn’t imply premeditation

The Victim As a really tasty “pain and suffering” verdict could be in excess of twenty million, now’s the time to look hard at your legal staff.

I’ll be sprawled amidst all that oak and cow leather sending another smoke ring towards the ceiling fan, while the earnest young chap insists he’s onboard … he’s got the full weight of his sprawling legal enterprise behind my corpulent frame …

… then I’ll stob the cigar out on his forearm, and if he flinches slightly I’ll be looking for another legal team to defend my use of barbless hooks, light tippets, and small flies.

Fly fishing will be part rodeo spectacle and part courtroom drama. We’ll have stern accusations, wooden faced judges, and be paraded through the docket in an orange jumpsuit, but there won’t be any victims.

… no maimed witness to demonstrate our instream excesses, no grieving relatives to narrate the hideous deed, and only the warden and his ever present stopwatch between us and freedom…

Last month, Antoine Goetschel went to court here in defense of an unusual client: a 22-pound pike that had fought a fisherman for 10 minutes before surrendering.

– via The Wall Street Journal

… because dead fish tell no tales.

It’ll undo the last couple of decades of conservation ethic, and angling organizations will have full color brochures on how best to off your quarry with dignity – we’ll finally listen to doctors and be surprised how good fish taste …

Largely because our neighbors are no longer interested in being an accomplice to our crime.

“0X is the new 8x” – the Boomers will claim, and we’ll be launching curious or dim witted six inch smolts into orbit – compliments of long rods and hawser cable tippet.

… and when that nearly imperceptible take occurs, and the warden steps out of the underbrush holding the incriminating stopwatch, we won’t be worried about the niceties much, it’ll be hand over hand – dog the fins down with piggin strings, yank the gills and lower jaw hook out and yell “Time.”

The case revolved around the idea that the pike suffered excessively because of how long it took for the angler to reel it in. Mr. Goetschel lost the case last month, but is considering an appeal.

The IGFA will pull a “Tiger Woods”, confessing their Director of the 2lb tippet class always seemed a bit twitchy – but he’ll wash up somewhere, likely with his commodore hat still set at a rakish angle.

Barbless hooks will disappear along with the barbaric regulations that promoted unnecessary suffering, along with dry flies – when chicken feathers prove unable to float that meaty treble.

… and you’ll be demonstrating fly tying technique and hook removal to both Fish & Game and your insurance agent, as there’s no chance you’ll be licensed without being bonded.

It’s a bold new litigious world your kids will inherit.

Tags: animal lawyer, animal rights, Pike, Antoine Goetschel, fly fishing the Bloodsport, animal cruelty, Tiger Woods, IGFA, dry flies, Tiger Woods, heavy tippet

California Bill proposes Chinook as “official state endangered species”

Nothing like getting all sentimental about a fish on the brink. Absence making the heart fonder with the “P” factor – some deep political agenda in some Two official state animalscodicil of parchment from a Mexican land grant.

Now that the California Chinook is a couple seasons away from being a genome hidden in a long bank of drawers buried in Cheyenne Mountain, legislators want to adopt the poor downtrodden anadromous “bag lady” and restore her to prominence.

The Chinook salmon, largest of the Pacific salmons and once in abundance in the Central Valley where they spawn in the rivers and creeks, would become California’s official state anadromous fish under a bill authored by Assemblyman Jared Huffman, D-San Rafael.

But the bill would do more.

It establishes a state goal to restore Chinook salmon to sustainable levels within a decade. The population of the fish has declined dramatically in recent years to the point where some feel it is headed toward extinction.

Or perhaps they just want to pull on Senator Feinstein’s whiskers by adopting the Chinook salmon as the official California anadromous fish. Rebellion against her proposed legislation extends throughout her constituency, with 15 Democratic legislators signing a letter asking her to cease and desist on the planned water grab.

It’s likely the noble Chinook will require modification of the state flag – our repository for the noblest of California wildlife long extinct.

Since the California poppy is California’s official state flower, it is protected by state law prohibiting persons from picking or destroying it.

The state affords some small protections for harvesting official wildlife, perhaps some canny legislator recognizes he can undermine the farm lobby by conferring an official title.

This bill would require the restoration of the Chinook to historic norms – in addition to conferring the official designation, naturally it lacks all detail to achieve that lofty goal.

Tags: Chinook restoration, Official anadromous fish, Senator Dianne Feinstein, water wars, California Poppy, on the brink,

Fishing’s so good they were jumping in the boat

… sure we poo-poo wild claims of fellow anglers, but that was in those hardship years of your youth, pre-Silverfin. The water was clear, the fish were refined and a meal was skill-based and the work of an evening.

Now angling will be removing the muffler off your wife’s Subaru and driving along the levee with the top down. It may not have the refinement of lovingly placed chicken feathers and ancient grass rods, but we’ll get fed for sure.

Whoever said the “good old days” were behind us, was wrong.

Tags: Asian Carp, French patois, spotlight fishing, market hunters

DEET replaced by tiny Rubberband?

Then he pees on you ... Peering into scientific research is a mixed bag – every so often your knees come together involuntarily and you find yourself siding with PETA or their insect equivalent.

For fishermen all we need know is the next generation of mosquito repellants will be cruel and unusual – which is an appropriate punishment for something that has nothing to do at dusk then cause us grief – or keeps us awake all night as it hovers near the choice flesh at your ear.

Like all finely tuned aircraft there’s a max payload – although us donors never see it that way, and upsetting the delicate aerodynamic balance renders the mosquito easy to swat – or especially vulnerable to predators.

Scientists have concluded the best way to intercept our irritating friend is to prevent them from urinating, which is part of the feeding process at the pump.

… yet another indignity we’ve been suffering these many decades.

“they have to undergo rapid urination when feeding, or they can’t fly away”

– via Cornell Chronicle Online

Which is the vague leaden lining of the research. To my untrained ear it  still sounds like something’s biting someone to get the payload delivered.

Tags: Mosquito research, next generation of insect repellants, blood sucking

The Director turns to you and asks, “fluorocarbon or regular Mono?”

Most of you missed the most important Oscar of the evening. It wasn’t Best Picture or Best Plastic Surgeon, rather it was the Oscar for Most Lifelike Portrayal of an Inanimate Object by an Out of Work Angler…

Somewhere between your groggily becoming aware of the festivities and the consumption of night before last’s leftovers, some poor fellow strode to the podium (looking uncomfortable) and accepted his destiny.

killer_thong

Acceptance speech wasn’t terribly memorable, but then jigging cheetah skinned  underwear as it attacks sorority girls isn’t terribly memorable either.

We naturally perk up anytime Hollywood intrudes into our rarified space, debating everything from casting doubles to fly pattern selection. No doubt you’ll complain that a six weight would’ve been more lifelike – but the sorority girls will ensure it’s queued on your Netflix.

Tags: Attack of the Killer Thong, Netflix, fishing, sorority girls, Oscars, the out-of-work angler

Them big hammy feet get shod on the cheap

With the manufacturers eager to adopt the trend away from felt soled boots, those of you interested in one last set – or adding a travel set for foreign waters, should be moving on that purchase.

Most of the fly shops no longer have the full range of sizes and the popular sizes are being blown out via sale, added to eBay, or walking out the door due to their compelling price.

It’s not often you can get a two hundred dollar boot for fifty bucks.

Travel boots

Sierra Trading Post has some still available, but the best prices and selection are at the Platte River Fly shop, which is unloading Simms and Patagonia felt soled boots at compelling prices.

I grabbed a set of Patagonia Canyon Walkers and a set of Simms boots – and was out the door for $120.

Not knowing how much longer they’ll be available, I made like Imelda Marcos …

This will cover me until I’m no longer able to wade.  Two sets of cleated rubber for my local infested water, one set of boots for watersheds in the Sierras, and now two sets of “travel” boots that I can take with me should I fish more than a single stream.

Use an aggregator to search for the sizes you need, it’ll save a lot of time and phone traffic.

Tags: Simms wading boots, Patagonia Canyon Walker, felt soled boots, wading shoes, felt ban

He gives Cyprinids the Fat Lip

Roughfisher Ties one on Friend Roughfisher is adding his expertise to the USCARPPRO ezine, with a monthly column on flies for our favorite Cyprinid. It’s a great fit and a monstrous ezine, 150 pages of technology and insight into all forms of carp fishing – most of which we never knew existed.

Fly fishermen have more than our fair share of snooty types, with the balance either market hunters or fishermen. Cracking the cover on USCARPPRO suggests they have an equal leavening of elite anglers, elitism, and enough precision engineered tackle and angling minutiae to give fly fishermen a run for their money.

We devote four pages to synthetic tailing materials, and they’ve got four pages of hand cast lead weights with finishes that mimic rocks. We’ve got Bimini Twists and esoteric single purpose knots – only they’ve got twice as many, most of which we’ve never encountered.

We’ve got fly patterns in the tens of thousands, and they can match us one for one with boilies, popups, and wafters – all of which sound like Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Gob Stopper – only in Vanilla and Black Licorice.

Which gives them the edge on us as they can eat what they throw.

Best of all is the lack of outstretched arm posturing – there’s no need to exaggerate fish size, as most are unable to lift the bloated behemoth past their knees…

… and they’re smiling. Ruddy faced grins celebrate a worthy quarry, something that’s only occasionally seen in our glossies.

If you thought fly competition hooks were expensive – these fellows pay double for theirs – I couldn’t help but salivate over the shapes and reinforcement – we don’t have nearly the options we once did with X-Strong fly hooks.

I found it an enjoyable departure from our media, an interesting glimpse at a sport taken every bit as seriously as our own – with the added comfort of knowing there’s some poor angler paying more for his rods than I am.

Sure it’s bait fishing, but us fishermen do that.

While you’re there – tell Roughfisher we ain’t on speaking terms until some of that homemade sausage makes it to my side of the Rockies. Fly fishing is fine and all – but withholding eats is unconscionable.

Tags: Roughfisher.com, USCARPPRO ezine, cyprinids, boilies, popups, wafters, bimini twist, Willy Wonka, carp

Sulky Holoshimmer, holographic tinsel by another name

I was reminded last night that I hadn’t been completely forthcoming. The fly shops call it “holographic tinsel” – typically charging between $1.50 and $2 for a small spool.

Joanne’s Craft’s calls it “Sulky Holoshimmer” and rather than the traditional size spool, sells it in the elongated bindle for $3.95 for 250 yards. It’s only available in the fine trout sizes (1/32”) under that label – but a little digging will likely find our medium and large variant.

That’s nearly seven spools of the fly shop size, which cuts your cost down to fifty seven cents per spool (30m).

sulky_holoshimmer

I took the above picture at Joann’s showing 48 different colors. On closer examination I see duplicates, so it appears more than one size is available from the craft store. I was harried – and throwing elbows to keep the mob back, and may have missed this important detail …

Sulky_holoshimmer2

Here’s the life-size view so you can see the pattern and effects. Copper (bottom left), Cranberry, and dark Green (top two) are especially suited for those oddball trout patterns that require a little flash.

I love these spools. The top lifts up exposing a small track that the tag end can be wound around – once the top is pressed down your the tag end is completely secure. Consider saving these spools once the tinsel is exhausted – I’d decant other tinsels or chenille onto them so you don’t tarnish the old metal style (with rubberbands)  – and you can avoid the unfettered “mylar explosion” of the newer tinsels.

In this economy we’re making war on the two dollar item …

Tags: Holographic Tinsel, Sulky Holoshimmer, fly tying materials, bulk fly tying materials, war on two dollar items, fly tying