Author Archives: KBarton10

Your Honor, a poor knot doesn’t imply premeditation

The Victim As a really tasty “pain and suffering” verdict could be in excess of twenty million, now’s the time to look hard at your legal staff.

I’ll be sprawled amidst all that oak and cow leather sending another smoke ring towards the ceiling fan, while the earnest young chap insists he’s onboard … he’s got the full weight of his sprawling legal enterprise behind my corpulent frame …

… then I’ll stob the cigar out on his forearm, and if he flinches slightly I’ll be looking for another legal team to defend my use of barbless hooks, light tippets, and small flies.

Fly fishing will be part rodeo spectacle and part courtroom drama. We’ll have stern accusations, wooden faced judges, and be paraded through the docket in an orange jumpsuit, but there won’t be any victims.

… no maimed witness to demonstrate our instream excesses, no grieving relatives to narrate the hideous deed, and only the warden and his ever present stopwatch between us and freedom…

Last month, Antoine Goetschel went to court here in defense of an unusual client: a 22-pound pike that had fought a fisherman for 10 minutes before surrendering.

– via The Wall Street Journal

… because dead fish tell no tales.

It’ll undo the last couple of decades of conservation ethic, and angling organizations will have full color brochures on how best to off your quarry with dignity – we’ll finally listen to doctors and be surprised how good fish taste …

Largely because our neighbors are no longer interested in being an accomplice to our crime.

“0X is the new 8x” – the Boomers will claim, and we’ll be launching curious or dim witted six inch smolts into orbit – compliments of long rods and hawser cable tippet.

… and when that nearly imperceptible take occurs, and the warden steps out of the underbrush holding the incriminating stopwatch, we won’t be worried about the niceties much, it’ll be hand over hand – dog the fins down with piggin strings, yank the gills and lower jaw hook out and yell “Time.”

The case revolved around the idea that the pike suffered excessively because of how long it took for the angler to reel it in. Mr. Goetschel lost the case last month, but is considering an appeal.

The IGFA will pull a “Tiger Woods”, confessing their Director of the 2lb tippet class always seemed a bit twitchy – but he’ll wash up somewhere, likely with his commodore hat still set at a rakish angle.

Barbless hooks will disappear along with the barbaric regulations that promoted unnecessary suffering, along with dry flies – when chicken feathers prove unable to float that meaty treble.

… and you’ll be demonstrating fly tying technique and hook removal to both Fish & Game and your insurance agent, as there’s no chance you’ll be licensed without being bonded.

It’s a bold new litigious world your kids will inherit.

Tags: animal lawyer, animal rights, Pike, Antoine Goetschel, fly fishing the Bloodsport, animal cruelty, Tiger Woods, IGFA, dry flies, Tiger Woods, heavy tippet

California Bill proposes Chinook as “official state endangered species”

Nothing like getting all sentimental about a fish on the brink. Absence making the heart fonder with the “P” factor – some deep political agenda in some Two official state animals codicil of parchment from a Mexican land grant.

Now that the California Chinook is a couple seasons away from being a genome hidden in a long bank of drawers buried in Cheyenne Mountain, legislators want to adopt the poor downtrodden anadromous “bag lady” and restore her to prominence.

The Chinook salmon, largest of the Pacific salmons and once in abundance in the Central Valley where they spawn in the rivers and creeks, would become California’s official state anadromous fish under a bill authored by Assemblyman Jared Huffman, D-San Rafael.

But the bill would do more.

It establishes a state goal to restore Chinook salmon to sustainable levels within a decade. The population of the fish has declined dramatically in recent years to the point where some feel it is headed toward extinction.

Or perhaps they just want to pull on Senator Feinstein’s whiskers by adopting the Chinook salmon as the official California anadromous fish. Rebellion against her proposed legislation extends throughout her constituency, with 15 Democratic legislators signing a letter asking her to cease and desist on the planned water grab.

It’s likely the noble Chinook will require modification of the state flag – our repository for the noblest of California wildlife long extinct.

Since the California poppy is California’s official state flower, it is protected by state law prohibiting persons from picking or destroying it.

The state affords some small protections for harvesting official wildlife, perhaps some canny legislator recognizes he can undermine the farm lobby by conferring an official title.

This bill would require the restoration of the Chinook to historic norms – in addition to conferring the official designation, naturally it lacks all detail to achieve that lofty goal.

Tags: Chinook restoration, Official anadromous fish, Senator Dianne Feinstein, water wars, California Poppy, on the brink,

Fishing’s so good they were jumping in the boat

… sure we poo-poo wild claims of fellow anglers, but that was in those hardship years of your youth, pre-Silverfin. The water was clear, the fish were refined and a meal was skill-based and the work of an evening.

Now angling will be removing the muffler off your wife’s Subaru and driving along the levee with the top down. It may not have the refinement of lovingly placed chicken feathers and ancient grass rods, but we’ll get fed for sure.

Whoever said the “good old days” were behind us, was wrong.

Tags: Asian Carp, French patois, spotlight fishing, market hunters

DEET replaced by tiny Rubberband?

Then he pees on you ... Peering into scientific research is a mixed bag – every so often your knees come together involuntarily and you find yourself siding with PETA or their insect equivalent.

For fishermen all we need know is the next generation of mosquito repellants will be cruel and unusual – which is an appropriate punishment for something that has nothing to do at dusk then cause us grief – or keeps us awake all night as it hovers near the choice flesh at your ear.

Like all finely tuned aircraft there’s a max payload – although us donors never see it that way, and upsetting the delicate aerodynamic balance renders the mosquito easy to swat – or especially vulnerable to predators.

Scientists have concluded the best way to intercept our irritating friend is to prevent them from urinating, which is part of the feeding process at the pump.

… yet another indignity we’ve been suffering these many decades.

“they have to undergo rapid urination when feeding, or they can’t fly away”

– via Cornell Chronicle Online

Which is the vague leaden lining of the research. To my untrained ear it still sounds like something’s biting someone to get the payload delivered.

Tags: Mosquito research, next generation of insect repellants, blood sucking

The Director turns to you and asks, “fluorocarbon or regular Mono?”

Most of you missed the most important Oscar of the evening. It wasn’t Best Picture or Best Plastic Surgeon, rather it was the Oscar for Most Lifelike Portrayal of an Inanimate Object by an Out of Work Angler…

Somewhere between your groggily becoming aware of the festivities and the consumption of night before last’s leftovers, some poor fellow strode to the podium (looking uncomfortable) and accepted his destiny.

killer_thong

Acceptance speech wasn’t terribly memorable, but then jigging cheetah skinned underwear as it attacks sorority girls isn’t terribly memorable either.

We naturally perk up anytime Hollywood intrudes into our rarified space, debating everything from casting doubles to fly pattern selection. No doubt you’ll complain that a six weight would’ve been more lifelike – but the sorority girls will ensure it’s queued on your Netflix.

Tags: Attack of the Killer Thong, Netflix, fishing, sorority girls, Oscars, the out-of-work angler

Them big hammy feet get shod on the cheap

With the manufacturers eager to adopt the trend away from felt soled boots, those of you interested in one last set – or adding a travel set for foreign waters, should be moving on that purchase.

Most of the fly shops no longer have the full range of sizes and the popular sizes are being blown out via sale, added to eBay, or walking out the door due to their compelling price.

It’s not often you can get a two hundred dollar boot for fifty bucks.

Travel boots

Sierra Trading Post has some still available, but the best prices and selection are at the Platte River Fly shop, which is unloading Simms and Patagonia felt soled boots at compelling prices.

I grabbed a set of Patagonia Canyon Walkers and a set of Simms boots – and was out the door for $120.

Not knowing how much longer they’ll be available, I made like Imelda Marcos …

This will cover me until I’m no longer able to wade. Two sets of cleated rubber for my local infested water, one set of boots for watersheds in the Sierras, and now two sets of “travel” boots that I can take with me should I fish more than a single stream.

Use an aggregator to search for the sizes you need, it’ll save a lot of time and phone traffic.

Tags: Simms wading boots, Patagonia Canyon Walker, felt soled boots, wading shoes, felt ban

He gives Cyprinids the Fat Lip

Friend Roughfisher is adding his expertise to the USCARPPRO ezine, with a monthly column on flies for our favorite Cyprinid. It’s a great fit and a monstrous ezine, 150 pages of technology and insight into all forms of carp fishing – most of which we never knew existed.

Fly fishermen have more than our fair share of snooty types, with the balance either market hunters or fishermen. Cracking the cover on USCARPPRO suggests they have an equal leavening of elite anglers, elitism, and enough precision engineered tackle and angling minutiae to give fly fishermen a run for their money.

We devote four pages to synthetic tailing materials, and they’ve got four pages of hand cast lead weights with finishes that mimic rocks. We’ve got Bimini Twists and esoteric single purpose knots – only they’ve got twice as many, most of which we’ve never encountered.

We’ve got fly patterns in the tens of thousands, and they can match us one for one with boilies, popups, and wafters – all of which sound like Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Gob Stopper – only in Vanilla and Black Licorice.

Which gives them the edge on us as they can eat what they throw.

Best of all is the lack of outstretched arm posturing – there’s no need to exaggerate fish size, as most are unable to lift the bloated behemoth past their knees…

… and they’re smiling. Ruddy faced grins celebrate a worthy quarry, something that’s only occasionally seen in our glossies.

If you thought fly competition hooks were expensive – these fellows pay double for theirs – I couldn’t help but salivate over the shapes and reinforcement – we don’t have nearly the options we once did with X-Strong fly hooks.

I found it an enjoyable departure from our media, an interesting glimpse at a sport taken every bit as seriously as our own – with the added comfort of knowing there’s some poor angler paying more for his rods than I am.

Sure it’s bait fishing, but us fishermen do that.

While you’re there – tell Roughfisher we ain’t on speaking terms until some of that homemade sausage makes it to my side of the Rockies. Fly fishing is fine and all – but withholding eats is unconscionable.

Tags: Roughfisher.com, USCARPPRO ezine, cyprinids, boilies, popups, wafters, bimini twist, Willy Wonka, carp

Sulky Holoshimmer, holographic tinsel by another name

I was reminded last night that I hadn’t been completely forthcoming. The fly shops call it “holographic tinsel” – typically charging between $1.50 and $2 for a small spool.

Joanne’s Craft’s calls it “Sulky Holoshimmer” and rather than the traditional size spool, sells it in the elongated bindle for $3.95 for 250 yards. It’s only available in the fine trout sizes (1/32”) under that label – but a little digging will likely find our medium and large variant.

That’s nearly seven spools of the fly shop size, which cuts your cost down to fifty seven cents per spool (30m).

sulky_holoshimmer

I took the above picture at Joann’s showing 48 different colors. On closer examination I see duplicates, so it appears more than one size is available from the craft store. I was harried – and throwing elbows to keep the mob back, and may have missed this important detail …

Sulky_holoshimmer2

Here’s the life-size view so you can see the pattern and effects. Copper (bottom left), Cranberry, and dark Green (top two) are especially suited for those oddball trout patterns that require a little flash.

I love these spools. The top lifts up exposing a small track that the tag end can be wound around – once the top is pressed down your the tag end is completely secure. Consider saving these spools once the tinsel is exhausted – I’d decant other tinsels or chenille onto them so you don’t tarnish the old metal style (with rubberbands) – and you can avoid the unfettered “mylar explosion” of the newer tinsels.

In this economy we’re making war on the two dollar item …

Tags: Holographic Tinsel, Sulky Holoshimmer, fly tying materials, bulk fly tying materials, war on two dollar items, fly tying

Another Gender Bending chemical in your drinking water, or are you merely happy to see me

I always suspected golfers had an extra chromosome or two – what with their fondness for flashy plaids and saddle shoes, and if you play in Florida that risk goes double …

… but it pales in comparison to my compulsion for brightly colored yarns, how I squeal in glee over some fellow’s Czech nymph that dared to match lavender and a hint of pink on an insect that owns neither.

Wash your hands after putting up the Christmas tree – as you may contract both; a fascination with dimpled white balls followed by a shopping orgy at the local fabric store.

It’s atrazine actually, 76.4 million pounds applied each year – and a couple of stiff jolts will turn your X’s into Y’s – especially if you’re a frog. If you’re not a frog, then it just scrambles everything and you’re dead.

A new study has found that male frogs exposed to the herbicide atrazine — one of the most common man-made chemicals found in U.S. waters — can make a startling developmental U-turn, becoming so completely female that they can mate and lay viable eggs.

– via Washington Post

The local physician noted my nervous tic, as I described a burgeoning passion for brightly colored yarns, and he studied my fly box with great interest. While I giggled uncontrollably he pronounced sentence, “You’ve been smoking it, wading in it, or drinking it – in either case, stop.”

He did mention I can gauge exposure by examining my muddy footprints, how if I start walking on tiptoe, I’m approaching critical thresholds.

Atrazine is used on corn (field and sweet), sorghum, sugarcane, wheat (application to wheat stubble on fallow land following harvest), guava, macadamia nuts, hay, pasture, summer fallow, forestry or woodlands, conifers, woody ornamentals, Christmas trees, sod, and residential and recreational turf (parks, golf courses). Given the specific nature of the turf uses, much of atrazine’s use on lawns is confined to Florida and the Southeast.

But it’s much worse than mere frogs changing sexual identity, it may explain why most anglers find it difficult to relate to the female gender (irritating them mostly) – and why we insist on the Supermodel fantasy.

The other 90 percent of the exposed frogs retained some male features, Hayes said, but often had lower testosterone levels and fertility. When competing for female frogs’ attentions, atrazine-treated males frequently lost out to males that hadn’t been treated.

Considering the above exposure was less than the EPA mandated tolerance for drinking water, we may want to switch to hard liquor for our Cheerios – as that list didn’t contain oats.

Sygenta, the Swiss agribusiness conglomerate is disputing the finding, as is the EPA which will be reviewing the work. In the meantime we can add Atrazine to the long list of potential gender changing chemicals our fish are enduring.

Female hormones, atrazine, and birth control residue – and the poor guy from IGFA trying to determine whether an asterisk is warranted, or lump it under she-male.

Tags: agricultural effluent, gender changing, golfing, tiptoe, brownlining, sharp toed frog, Sygenta, EPA

That’s all I have to say about that

On the hundredth post I asked, “I wrote 99, surely you can write one” – but it was an epic fail. I’d already run out of things to say after the 16th article and it showed.

Today marks my 1000th post and I know better than to ask what you like.

It was a simple and inauspicious start, the attempt to buttress meager writing skills, and I assumed a daily deadline would teach me to write in a harried environment – where I lacked the luxury of a compelling idea, or simply felt like it – rather I’d have to face the blank white screen when at my weakest.

My writing has improved a bit – it’s no longer halting so much as wordy or ill conceived – but in a couple more decades I’ll have graduated to pedantic or completely opaque – and have tossed punctuation to the curb.

Its been both difficult and rewarding and I shudder at reading anything from the night before – the obvious errors, wordy posts, vague detail, and glibness that seems less so on the seventh read.

I’d prefer doing “Celebrity Skin” – that way I could foist some grainy image as “Brooke Shields Nekkid” to an audience that was riveted to every post …

1000 posts, 4000 reader comments, and 30,000 spam messages blocked – hawking everything from hair restoration to amputee porn.

… which I ogled for completely scientific reasons, mostly so you didn’t have to …

Hey,
I am working on a promotional campaign for Xxxxxx.com and was wondering if you offered advertising opportunities on your site.

Can you please pass along an ad rate sheet or your pricing options, if they are available?

If you do not have established rates, I can definitely suggest some already-proven options that we’ve had success in the past with other sites. For instance, we have worked with blogs who have placed the following description to help spread the word:

“With just three simple steps a day, Xxxxxx the #1 acne system, combines real medicines with soothing botanicals. Strong enough to kill your most stubborn acne but gentle enough to use every day, Xxxxxx lets you enjoy the clear, radiant skin you’ve always wanted.”

… and then there’s the advertisers. They remind me of all the things I’ve seen in glossy print that jar me from a reverie on angling technique or the stunning environments I’ve never seen and never will fish, and remind me to walk a fine line on the commercial endeavor.

They get Singlebarbed humor in the same measure as the angling industry:

Thanks for the inquiry Xxxxx, but no thanks.
Singlebarbed is a fly fishing blog and while my readers may be afflicted with hideous acne, I prefer them to remain that way.

I liken this to a magazine of one. It’s a mix of everything that would never be printed in a real magazine (for good reason), blended with the power of the Internet – allowing me to discard the notion that magazines are monthly, that demographics rule content, and editors that insist on sex when it’s the punctuation that needs the work.

It’s likely I’ve offended plenty. I’m not shy about sharing my perception of inequities foisted on us by politicians, vendors, established aristocracy, and someone’s ill conceived notion of angling.

I believe that a fishing rod shouldn’t cost as much as they do – that a wading mat is stupid, that brand does not make the fisherman, that a tight loop is the result of years of chucking little stuff at littler stuff, and youthful arrogance and Extreme is the new Elitism.

Maybe it’s your lunch hour – or perhaps a stolen moment at work, in either case it’s been my pleasure to entertain.

By my count there were six worthy moments and 994 that started with potential and died a horrible death. We’ll do better on the next thousand.

Tags: Singlebarbed.com, blogging, 1000th post