Author Archives: KBarton10

Singlebarbed Guest Author Series, Hunter S. Thompson on Brownlining – and everything else

hunter It’s too bad that little pimp Nixon isn’t around anymore, I’d drive the hook home and watch the little bastard wriggle like Imelda Marcos at a shoe sale, instead I write in a watery little crevasse that only has slightly more fish than sunken tires. How is unimportant, it’s the same question Gore asked when Jeb Bush stole the presidency for his dimwit warmongering brother.

Pikeminnow come to the fly like the cattle feeding the Halliburton coffers, slashing at anything shiny hoping for a glimpse of the hand that feeds them. A monetary orgy masterminded by the disgraced puppet master Karl Rove, who should’ve been handed around like a hash pipe to the depraved flesh pirates of D Block. Ehrlichman and Haldeman took the rap and did time, Cheney’s pit bulls are watered down like cathouse whiskey, free to plunder the lecture circuit like some defiant cur.

I’m fishing, but the weight of the .357 in its shoulder holster is welcome, the hiss of casting overshadowed by the muffled black helicopter, orbiting like a bloated carrion bird, alert for infirmity.

thompson_hunters Bass eat flies like Goebbel’s brownshirts storming the Reichstag, and behind me the bank is lined with corpses. The staccato thumping on my fly interrupts the pleasant haze of Jack Daniel’s and twice boiled coffee.

Damn few insects have the nerve to show themselves, those that do are ground into paste by reflex, or swatted remorselessly into the underbrush.

The foam line reminds me of the soiled head on warm beer, rigid and unyielding, an aging Hollywood strumpet with a Botox fetish. Line and fly welcomed unto her aging bosom, where bluegill lie in ambush.

This is the sport of sissies. Lacking the adrenaline rush of driving a snarling battered Cadillac sideways through the streambed … a flaccid surrogate for emasculated hunter-gatherers, who yearn for the heady days of frenzied dance by firelight, smeared with the blood of enemies.

Brownlining is a skid mark on a fine Armani blazer, an abomination akin to tap dancing within the fetid confines of an airport washroom, death is clean by comparison.

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Best Dressed Man Wading through Selenium..

Brownliner Uniform It seems like every component of fishing has a 5 year span where the technology changes every time you blink. My old neoprene waders have served me really well, but I missed the entire “breathable Goretex” revolution.

I was hoping to avoid another sweaty Brownliner odyssey, and had ordered a set of boot foot Hodgeman WadeWell II hip waders. Hip waders have never had much of a place other than surfcasting and motivational posters, as their usefulness is limited. I wade like a drunken sailor, and hip waders is an easier way to get water somewhere where it ought not to be.

The “Little Stinking” is an exception, September flows are miniscule and about 24″ of water is all that I’ve encountered, other than stifling triple digit heat.

Boot foot waders with the traditional lugged soles give me some purchase getting in and out of the creek. Felt soles are fine, but always prove treacherous climbing or descending dirt banks.

Goretex uppers removes half of the expected weight, and the flexibility of a thin fabric versus rubber walled sheath, gives the feel of wearing overalls, rather than clumsy armor.

More importantly, this gives me a single fast drying object that I can clip onto a clothesline briefly, or set in the garage to dry. My proximity to the local creek means nightly usage, fast dry mean less exposure to sunlight, the nemesis of all rubber. The traditional neoprene and boot ensemble require a great deal more drying time, only because both inside (sweat)  and outer layers must be dried.

So far I am most pleased, we’ll see whether October usage is as pleasant, but for hot summer use, these cheap waders are just the ticket.

Update: After six months of heavy usage, they’re about the most comfortable wading boot I’ve used, update posted here.

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We considered offering a matchmaking service, but all we found is where they aren’t

Been poring over the statistical data for angling, hoping to answer some Singlebarbed Lonely Hearts Dating service questions. How come I haven’t posted more fetching bikini shots? Simple, I didn’t want to get your hopes up – we respect you too much…

WhereWomenAre

The important statistics first; you better like fried chicken and potatoes, because 70% of the female angling population lives in the South and Midwest.

For them as lives in the West and East, you have the remaining 30% to pick from. This is all women anglers – not merely the pretty ones…

Grandma might not be bikini material but blow her a kiss anyway’s, if catching is slow, it’ll still make her day.

Women anglers want dinner, none of this catch and release silliness,  they’re fishing to put food on the table; Halibut, Sole, Flounder, is preferred by 22% of women. It also could be that the price for flatfish is higher, proof that even though there is less of them, they are still smarter than us.

81% of the women surveyed are freshwater bound, 24% are saltwater anglers, 5% consider themselves both.

fisherwomen_species

Of the freshwater species, trout is last. More a reflection of locale than anything else, but it may also be easier to sunbathe from a black bass boat then sweat your way into the back country on foot.

For the Gold-digging Male Angler: only 11% of women anglers make an income of $50,000 or more, so you can forget about marrying into thousands of acres of prime trout stream, you’ve a better chance of financial liquidity by marrying her daddy. No statistics are available on inheritance prospects of women anglers, unfortunately.

Women age 16-34 go fishing 10 times a year, after age 34 they fish only 9 times a year. Women who have graduated college fish 7 times a year, they are smarter than us.

You Guys Are Swine Department: Women 45-54 spend more dollars on tackle than any other age group.  Oh, now that her looks are going, and she raised your kids – she has to buy her own rod? Men are pigs.

In summary, stick with your current spouse, lose the indignant at her requirement that you get your dirty shorts out of her sink, buy her a rod instead.

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Half of Maine to make Washington DC Carbon Neutral

Sin and RedemptionWe’ve overcome our fear of lightning a long time ago, hence we are content to poke a tiger through the cage.

The Vatican is planting a forest to make themselves the first carbon-neutral country in the world. Based on events past and present that had better be a really big forest – as much hot air comes from the Holy See.

No, I’m not picking on Catholics, I am wondering what the appropriate forest size is for all them folks that occupy the Beltway in Washington.

The young trees, on a 15-hectare, or 37-acre, tract of land that will be renamed the Vatican Climate Forest, will in theory absorb as much carbon dioxide as the Vatican makes through its various activities in 2007: driving cars, heating offices, lighting St. Peter’s Basilica at night.

37 acres for a 0.2 square mile city, implies Washington DC requires a mere 80,000 acres of forest needed. This being close to an election year we better quadruple  that, just to be safe.

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A River of Statistics Runs Through It

Green Eye-Shade stuffInitial information about the 2006 Sportsmen’s Census are trickling out of the governmental vaults, Some we’ve heard about, some is just  preliminary information – as the final release is scheduled for November 2007.

Hunting – 5% of the US population, aged 16 or older hunted. 12.5 million total, a 4% decline in the last 5 years, in aggregate they spent 3% less money.

Fishing – 13% of the US population aged 16 or older spent an average of 17 days fishing. Anglers declined 12% over the last 5 years – but spent 5% more on tackle, and 7% more on fishing trips. They spent 14% less on clothing and tents, and 12% less on boats.

Wildlife Watching – 31% of the U.S. population 16 years old and older fed, observed, or photographed wildlife in 2006. These wildlife watchers increased in number by 8% from 2001 to 2006. Their expenditures for trips, equipment, and other items increased 2%.

From 2001 to 2006, expenditures for wildlife-watching equipment (binoculars, cameras, etc.) increased by 20% and for wildlife-watching trips by 40%.

We reported earlier on California’s decision to charge a land use fee to bird watchers and kayakers, based on the above statistics we aren’t the only folks monitoring this change in habits.

I have no issue with this practice, but the unanswered question is will I have to pay double? Anglers and hunters both have to observe their prey, so will fishermen have to have a license to look at the trout before they release it?

The Humane Society welcomed the new federal data showing a surging number of bird watchers, wildlife photographers and other wildlife watchers. They increased from 62.8 million in 1996 to 71.1 million in 2006, spending $45 billion on their activities compared to $75 billion spent by hunters and anglers.

You know what’s coming next, bird watchers are only $30 billion behind on the political contribution and lobby effort, so are we going to see some congressional retread insist that he has been a life long lover of the Ruby Throated Warbler?

I can see the turmoil at the presidential debates; “Bob, how can you say that – I saw you shoo them pigeons off your window ledge yesterday, you’re not a bird lover – Christ, you had the Peking Duck for lunch!”

“Senator, you have 1 minute to respond…”

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The Problem with the Few, is how They Keep Getting Fewer

Decline of commercial fishingThe Census of Marine life, a multinational scientific census of the oceans commissioned to find new species, is shedding some light on migration patterns of some of our traditional gamefish.

It appears sea turtles may be in a circular orbit of the Atlantic, a life they describe as “perpetual motion,” and California Sturgeon may summer in Canadian waters.

The overall decline of ocean gamefish still dominates the news; over harvest, global warming, all are suspects in this enfolding drama.

I can’t help but assume that with the decline of ocean fisheries, a similar but less newsworthy decline must be happening on the freshwater side as well. The decline in sportfishing licenses may be masking a broader issue, that fishing is suffering regardless of locale.

I stumbled on a picture on the New South Wales blog that may be premature but may also be a glimpse of our fate.

Daily fishing licenses and beat restrictions have been common in European countries for some time.

Privately held water manicured by riverkeepers may be our destiny, as are the “angling associations” that gain the right of trespass. I recognize that the idea is repugnant to us colonials, but it has been working for some time “across the Pond.”

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Related to Someone famous may be enough

At least we get to play dressupFor the umpteenth time we get our noses rubbed in how the upper classes get paid to be drunk and crash cars. If you want the services of Paris Hilton and her posse, it will only cost you $200,000 and all the booze she can tank..

Apparently, Vegas restaurants and other fashionable venues are vying for her (and other) celebrities as it puts them squarely in the crosshairs of unlimited publicity.

I’m thinking we can do this, I can play a “Fish Hoochie” in my sleep. I’m not thinking Vegas and Rodeo drive, more like Alaskan fly out lodges and the Bristol Bay bed and breakfast scene. 

It’ll require a bit of acting as we have to practice the “my cell phone isn’t working” whine, and call room service to remove an unwanted mosquito or two, but the trip and liquor will be gratis.

We don’t even have to be famous, we just need to be related to someone famous, and act the part. I can pose as Madonna’s recently adopted Croatian infant, afterwards we can park Cessna’s in pine trees and bury a Ram 2500 in a snowbank.

I figure we need 15 posse members and another 15 posing as Paparazzi. No film required, click shutters a lot and act excited when I pose for the obligatory, “Darn, no underwear under my waders” shot.

Any “glampers” out there, needing to see and be seen?

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Metamaterials, We cannot be Trusted – Neither Can You

Simm’s Metamaterial Guide Xtreme outfitMy weakness for metaphor is finally going to pay off, as we scoop the industry and embrace “metamaterials.” I don’t know if they’re lighter than bamboo, but if they weigh like lead I’ll assume that burden, I want this that bad.

In an upcoming issue of the journal Physical Review Letters, physicists Zhichao Ruan, Min Yan, Curtis W. Neff and Min Qiu of Sweden’s Royal Institute of Technology and China’s Zhejiang University show that a cloak made of metamaterials and shaped into a column could make the Muggle, witch or or wizard inside completely invisible.

“Cloak” sounds like a fabric but at this early stage of development it is copper rings swathed in fiberglass. I don’t think we can get in the water with it due to the spontaneous release of high voltage, but if they want a guinea-pig, I am sure going to volunteer one of you guys.

Copper and fiberglass sounds like a fly rod to me, and while those wary trout are eyeballing me eating my lunch, thinking I don’t have a fly in the water – they will be so wrong.

I cannot be trusted, I know this.

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Many Years of Tears, Head Cement and Grindage Coming

Old FaithfulFly Tying is one of those rare disciplines blending art and science. An endless source of frustration and pleasure, interspersed with fits of genius, artistic tantrum, and drudge.

There are really only three types of fly tiers; Beginners, Experts, and Opinionated, and like any art form is replete with sub-schools, trends, false prophets, and is always on the brink of total revolution. New materials are always the catalyst for change, with much of the old thrown out and whatever is “new” trumpeted as the one true path.

Somewhere in all of this is the aspiring tier, surrounded by Bibles, dusty tomes, and countless magazines, usually without the materials cited by the prestigious authors, and hanging somewhere near financial insolvency, trying to keep pace.

You’ve completed the introductory and intermediate fly tying courses offered by your local club or shop, and are now left to your own devices to plod your way to your Brown and Black belts. You have an awful lot of mind numbing repetition to endure before your flies resemble those you’re using as models. There is no fast path to competency, but there are many things that you can focus on during apprenticeship to make it less onerous and more engaging.

Material Shortcomings

The material problem will always be present, half of the new fly patterns you’ll read about are “new” only because of the use of some revolutionary material, guaranteeing if you?re using magazines as inspiration, you’ll be making frequent trips to the fly shop.

New materials are a given in this craft, as synthetics slowly replace all of the exotic birds and beasts we’ve used in the past. In many cases the synthetics are much superior to the original – only Luddites and old guys with a lifetime supply to mourn their passing.

At this stage of your indoctrination you may believe tying an Adam’s without the proper materials will yield a fly less successful. Not true, all you’ve done is invent a new fly, no thunderbolt will strike you dead, no crime has been committed, and fish will eat your Adam’s minus Grizzly hackle just as fast as they’ll eat the normal pattern.

The only difference between what you’re tying and what a professional ties, is how many fish it will handle before exploding. That talent you’ll acquire as part of the mindless repetition part. Substitute freely, and throw the result in your fly box, as nothing beats the thrill of duping a fish with something you invented.

What Works, Good Design Principles

Elk Hair Caddis, Impressionism at its bestSolid construction and good design are your immediate goals. Construction is learned through understanding the limits and proportions of fly tying. Limits are inflexible and exceeding them will weaken the finished fly.

There is only a finite segment of hook shank that is flat and level, exceeding that will cause tails to point downward, or hook eyes to be filled with hackle barbules and cement. Later when fishing and the fish have a sudden weakness for Pheasant Tail nymphs, your last one can’t be threaded on the leader…that is a crime.

Proportions are similar to limits, but they are flexible. Fly components are measured by hook gape, or shank length, depending on how your instructor or favorite book taught you. Tail length can be shortened or lengthened without compromising construction, so proportions are guides, not inflexible limits.

On rare occasion the properties of a tying material will make proportion a limit. Duck Quill wings on traditional dry flies are a great example, the material is both fragile and rigid, absorbing head cement like a sponge. Once dry they can easily spin a 7X tippet like a rubber band during false casts, especially if oversized. Beautiful to look at but poorly designed for fishing.

You look at your latest handy work, an Adam’s with no Grizzly hackle and your hackle tip wings are at different heights. What do you do? You put it in your fly box. Trout’s eyes are mounted on the sides of their heads, much of their visual plane is monocular vision (only one eye can see the object), if it’s hungry your wings won’t matter.

Coming Out : Imitation versus Impressionism

Stonefly Nypmph by Hatchmasters.caThis will be your first significant test as a fly tyer, this is where you will vacillate uncontrollably, dipping your toe first in one, then the other – trying to find who and what you believe in. No author or magazine can help you, this is the test of tyer-as-artist, and likely you will see merit in both camps, but will slowly trend towards one or the other as your craft matures.

Imitation is exactly what it implies, you prefer crafting replicas of actual insects, and as a fisherman you believe them to be more effective than generalist patterns. Isn’t this the reason why you wanted to learn to tie flies, so that you could have better more exacting choices?

Real insects are hard and shiny as they wear their “skeleton” on the outside, imitation often leads to the use of synthetic or shiny materials to simulate the real bug. Compensate for the lifeless and hard materials with some that add movement or motion. The photograph is motionless, but the real bug squirms and wriggles, it is a living insect you are duplicating, not the photo.

 Flies catch more than fish, flies catch fishermen too. All of us are guilty of the “..if I were a fish I would eat that” logic, which probably hinders us more than helps, as we have no idea what trout think. One thing is true, exacting imitations are pure sex, we want them bad, and the entire angling industry panders to our obsession, with our paycheck the obvious victim.

Impressionism is simulation of an insect, roughly matched to shape, size and color, but with little detail. Impressionistic flies may be general enough to represent all three aquatic food groups with a single pattern, with only the hook size changing. Other flies may acknowledge a damselfly has three paddle shaped gills as a tail with a tuft of marabou, the expression that the damsel has a more substantial tail than a mayfly, but it is not copied beyond that.

This is the fun part, where your experiences are married with the practical and the theoretical, where myth is confirmed and legend can be discarded, it’s the crucible where “your” flies are born.

Which path you prefer is inconsequential, you can fiddle with materials, you have license to alter proportions, you can make flies that resemble nothing, everything, or something – and you’ll be catching fish with all of them.

Fly Tying, the Craft is not the Art

The fly tiers pinnacle, the Atlantic Salmon full dressFly tying craft is disguising a hook by imitating common fish food for use with rod and reel. Fly tying art is the rigor of perfecting these techniques to produce flies worthy of framing, or showcasing the talents of the tier, never to  be used in anger.

At times it’s tough to distinguish between the two, the lines are fluid making it difficult for an apprentice tyer to gauge progress. Much of your angling is reduced to a few trips per year, and the confirmation of your flies effectiveness will not be regular. Magazines and books are constant companions at the tier’s bench, and what you create will be compared to the photographs they contain, it’s important to distinguish art from craft, and to compare apples with apples.

A talented tier can create flies that ignore all proportion, stretch known limits, are extremely difficult to tie, and require exotic materials. It also may take them 3 or more hours to tie that fly, it represents art of the highest form, but can be confused with functional patterns by the unwary.

Putting it all together, the Art of Domestic Bliss

Every rule of fly tying has been broken by flies that are the exception. All limits shattered, all proportion thrown by the wayside, and herein lies sanctuary. The most important rule is do they work, not are they beautiful.

Fish are stupid, have poor vision, and are not vocal, they’ll never sing your praises.

You will have to tie many thousands of flies before proportion and construction are second nature. During all this time, you will evolve many theories, you will read many more, some may hold water and some may not.

Collect real bugs from your favorite streams and imitate them with the materials at hand, forget about what you don’t own, use what you have. Every fly you tie hones your construction skills, even if it never sees action.

A small coffee grinder used with a skein of yellow, red, and blue yarn, can yield every color in the rainbow, chop the segments shorter than an inch, and use the Artist’s Color Wheel to make your fur colors. Fly tying is actually many disciplines, some not related to fishing at all.

Test materials and flies in your bathtub, learn what adds life and motion, and what makes your fly ride upside down. You will find that physics and proportion are tied together, you can take license with proportion knowing what the physical change will be in its aerodynamic or fishing qualities.

America’s Poster Children for Domestic BlissExploit the materials available to you, leverage your friends. Do you hunt ducks? Does your neighbor? More importantly, does your neighbor notice the bald spot on his Airedale? Be wary, as 20 lbs of fresh killed deer hide will have to be treated immediately, right after you resuscitate your wife…

Fly tying is a mess maker hobby, filled with odiferous and objectionable items. You will need special storage arrangements to retain domestic bliss. Rotting flesh and moth infestations will be unpopular, seal everything separately to minimize infestation and odor, and use incense cedar rather than mothballs, as moth crystals smell equally bad. Open drawers mean your dog is eating your purple buck tail, or your child is reaching for the porcupine. Be alert that everyone in the household may not share your passion.

You need to address the storage issue almost immediately, and with a permanent furniture purchase. An old vanity table and a chest of drawers will work, both are garage sale fodder, tear the top off the desk and build a new larger work surface. Line both with incense cedar slats from the hardware store. To be allowed into your house, refinish both, as a $25 garage sale purchase can turn into something much better looking if sanded and finished properly.

After all this, you will be confronted by many critics that will find fault with your finest work. Most will have their paws in your fly box to assist you in “lightening” it, but the real critic is the trout, stay focused and please the fish first. Remember you started this bestial trek thinking you would catch more fish, and you are much further along than you think.

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Real Angling Visionaries, a title not used lightly in this gathering

Visionary Comix, get your’s todayIt’s time we recognize a true visionary, or perhaps he’s just the only fellow glib enough to overcome the wife’s protests. Talk about ganging up on Ma…incorporating a water slide, trout fishery, swimming pool, and BBQ pit.

You can hear the kiddies now, “C’mon Ma, can we? Huh, can we?” (with Poppa sporting an innocent yet very evil grin.) I think this fellow has set the bar higher than merely the traditional “can I buy this new rod without her knowing” gambit.

I can’t help but think of the vindictive side of the operation, if the trout refused my fly more than once, I would retaliate with my portly pink frame landing in their lap.

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