What is really needed is a rehab clinic for fly tiers that have entered that hideous tertiary phase…some polite nurse behind the counter to welcome the twitching wreck of a man that brakes for road kill.

I admit nothing, and removing the taxidermy kit from the back seat would be a good first step, but like all addicts, I talk a better line than I practice.

It always starts innocent enough, driving a back road enjoying the evening and a flash of color by the center line has me applying brakes, frantic downshifting, and a drag chute. Safely off the pavement its time for a furtive glance in both directions and then check the latest offering of the Asphalt Gods.

Any real tier worth his salt can tell sex, species, approximate the decay level, cross reference it with his mental inventory, and determine value – before he locks the brakes up.

We’re sicko’s, masterless ronin, owing allegiance to nothing, other than the knowledge that steel belted radial season is open year round. The real trick is getting the game processed so’s not spend the next decade in some gladiator academy, protecting our hindquarters.

The same mantra applies when your dimwit neighbor shows up with a dripping carcass, you mentioned the “fur and feathers” thing, granted it was after the third beer, now there’s blood dripping on your doormat, it’s time to fish, not just cut bait.

Birds are easy, the skin is loosely connected to the rest of the critter, and even a dull Buck knife can quickly cape or remove the portions that you want. To complete the task just scrape any fat off the skin, and then stretch the cape feather side down on a piece of cardboard box. The skin will dry and harden within a couple of days. Oil will seep out – the more fat left on the skin, the more oil – but this can be wiped away during the drying process. Cornmeal applied to the skin will absorb all oil, and not be toxic to your dog, after he inhales the cape off your tying bench.

Hides are more complex, as they have much more connective tissue attaching them to the host animal. Same rules apply, you need to scrape all the fat off the back of the hide, then tack it up (hair side down)stretched onto a cardboard surface. Hides take a lot longer to dry as they are much thicker, and can contain much more sinew and fat.

If you engage in this behavior, remember that Mrs. McGillicutty will take a dim view of you pelting her tabby on the lawn. It won’t matter how legitimate the kill was – or who done it, you’re toast.

Ditto for all birds and mammals in or out of season, you are culpable and will be ticketed if you attempt to take any animal parts from the roadside. It’s a fair assumption, that might be a high value target and you may have swerved intentionally.

In California, all road kill of size is picked up by the California Department of Transportation and incinerated. Their concern is the health risk; all animals have ticks, fleas, and assorted blood sucking things attached to them when alive. Most will quickly depart a corpse, but you’re at risk for whatever may be present, including rabies and assorted other maladies.

I’m just prepping you for the time when you round the bend of the river and allegedly spot a Great Blue Heron in pristine condition, cold as stone. I’ll let you wrestle with the moral and criminal repercussions on your own.

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