Author Archives: KBarton10

You have to read between the lines sometimes

“Furlough Friday” had me on the prowl on the west side of the valley, I’d had the foresight to grab Sweetpea, got her grain-fed and rubbed down and while she gathered her possibles, I’d snuck a rod, vest, and waders into the cab while she wasn’t looking.

It’s the old “winery” gambit, “I think there’s a winery on this road somewhere’s..” – and it worked like a charm. Her howl of indignation at the sight of the rod was much too late, it’s telltale rattle as we squealed onto the Interstate had blown my cover.

Monstrous carp, rainbow trout, bass, and blue water was in the offing – and while the firm set of her chin slowly melted away, compliments of wild flowers and orchards in full blossom, she grudgingly allowed the trip might have merit.

Comes with instructions, rod assembly required 

Winds were gusting heavily and the day use area was being repaired, so I parked in the campground instead. The friendly instructions at lakeside gave me pause,  as the last panel seemed out of place. The arm holding the dead fish somehow didn’t jibe with “Good Luck.”

Locals recognize this as the salutation warning you of the gastronomic consequence of dining on your prey, out-of-towners are oblivious to the mercury laden watershed and must pay the ultimate price.

… hence the “Good Luck” – and explains why the campground bathrooms have big signs limiting “parking” to 30 minutes …

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The missing link discovered and the Olive branch extended

Throw that man an olive branch It’s unification of a sort, something that’s sure to unite the “X-stream” crowd with Blue and Brown water anglers. The Chinese call it a “Snow Trout“, it looks and acts like a Rainbow, only it’s a member of the Cyprinid family which contains both Carp and my beloved Pikeminnow.

I can hear the collective groan from here – both camps pause momentarily in battering each other hoping I won’t suggest a group hug.

Not a %$#@ chance.

The locale is exotic, Mongolia will be left to cruise ships and the camp followers that live in their wake; it’s called a trout – so when the dry fly types hold up their catch in an accusatory manner and insist otherwise – the local guides can smile widely and hide behind the language barrier, and the Pearl River is considered one of the world’s most polluted waterways, which will make the Brownlining aficionados plant flag.

All the enterprising expedition outfitter has to do is keep the respective zealots far apart, add some local myth about ravenous feeding habits and missing schoolchildren, ply both camps with alcohol and watch the cash registers act like slot machines.

Zhujiang Brewery, one of the three largest domestic breweries in China, is located on the Pearl River Delta within the city of Guangzhou.

Paradise.

“Pearl River” conjures some fanciful imagery in the mind of the fiscally prudent spouse; trade winds, grass skirts, and perfumed beaches – all you have to do is nod vigorously on the “perfumed” part, keep a straight face, and you’re there …

If we are most of the known killers, why must they die

How dare they do what comes natural? The cake exists until the last slice vanishes, then we finger the culprit and demand satisfaction – despite our distended belly and inability to eat anything more. It begs the question, how does not inhaling the last slice exonerate us of eating the rest of the cake?

Somehow our sense of proportion is out of whack, which isn’t surprising, the banks did similar by leveraging assets 30 times – and only claimed foul when everything fell apart.

Now we’re going to kill Sea Lion’s that had the audacity to eat salmon on the Columbia River – after farking the salmon completely with  over-harvest, pollution, and encroachment of watershed. We’ve bulldozed the spawning gravel for the foundation for our McMansion, cut the bank timber to build yet another strip mall, and now we’re incensed that something else on the planet has the chutzpah to want some too?

It’s comforting that we’re so distraught over the salmon’s plight that we’re willing to kill crap out of anything looking to harm one, but as Sea Lion’s aren’t killing for glee or leaving the unwanted carcasses on the bank – and if they outnumber the salmon and that’s not fair, whose fault is that really?

California isn’t the only state with it’s head up it’s collective arse.

We know that sea lions are not to blame for the demise of Columbia salmon. The fish runs collapsed because of dams, overfishing and habitat destruction. Even today, these are more significant causes of salmon mortality than sea lions. But we also know that the Northwest has no choice now but to address every killer of wild salmon.

As we remain “most of the killers”, I’d like to see the list of homes we’ll raze, timber acres to be restored, dams eliminated, and strip malls bulldozed for spawning gravel, because that might give the silvery SOB’s a fighting chance.

Seals, Otter, Osprey, and the American Fish Eagle dine on Salmon – I’m sure we’ll be properly outraged at each affront and insist on blowing a gaping hole in a Liberty Pigeon’s plumbing …

My Brook Trout has a first name

Somebody has to put them on a couch Canadian scientists have noted at least two personality types in studies of newly hatched Brook trout, loosely described in lay terms as “Jocks” and “Couch Potato’s.” This shouldn’t surprise any of us – as we’ve been dealing with the human variants since infancy.

“Jocks” feed actively in the water column, and “Tubers” feed in a sedentary manner near the bottom. Interpretation would suggest that the agile fish seek the food, and the more sluggish variant wait for the food to come to them.

It’s likely scientists don’t always have time to follow each other’s research, and coupled with another study that suggests angling selectively targets aggressive fish (Jocks), with the introverts handling much of the reproduction, Brook trout are doomed.

Leaving the species to fat and shy couch potato’s doesn’t bode well for long term survival.

Humans have the wrestled with similar issues; the agile are shipped overseas to be shot at, leaving the sluggish and shy introverts to play video games.  Eventually both groups have to get jobs, which enhances their reproductive viability.

This research explains why the Eastern Brook Trout is the Official Char of the Trout Underground,  throwing those slow bamboo tapers is akin to chumming  for the Couch Potato Brookie, who adore bamboo almost as much as Twinkies.

Braided, dammit – not shaken nor stirred

One of the reason you buy copper wire by the pound versus the shop spool is so you can dominate the Spring runoff with forty-leven pounds of non-toxic, gutslammer nymphs.

Dynamite is neither green nor legal, and on occasion something just as sinister is warranted.

My take on the Copper John, I call it the "Copper Johnson"

It doesn’t look like much but that’s three feet of 34 gauge wire per fly, 20 turns of 1 amp fuse wire and a 4mm bead chaser – just what’s needed when the runoff will be short and violent, just like it was last year.

Actually I’m polishing my braiding skills, I used to be able to bang these out really fast – but declining eyesight has slowed me somewhat.

I bought the “Goldfingering” for Shad flies, which should start sometime in the next couple months, it’s a heavy nylon floss wrapped with a complimentary color of mylar. No sooner did I spy it in my “weird stuff to try” bag – when I started braiding more goodies than I’d anticipated.

Goldfingering, add a Walther PPK to your arsenal

The dark brown and orange made a handsome combination. The balance of colors (especially the multicolored flavors) will flavor my shad flies for the season. This is really tough material, the mylar shine is partially muted by the floss, so it’ll lend itself to a variety of questionable inspirations.

The Over and Under seen from the bottom

The bottom view of an “Over and Under” variant. Woven Goldfingering body (dark brown and orange) two turns of Gedifra Costa Rica polyamide hackle. Dub a little fur in front, then grab the hackle on the top and bottom and pull forward to make two wingcases – leaving the fibers on the side for legs.

Outside of the tail and a dab of dubbing it’s another all yarn fly; cheap, expendable, and when your orthodontist pal asks for some you can tell him, “Doctor, No” or equally bad movie quip.

Can clarity exist in Brown water

I’ve always been comfortable with the Bull in the China shop approach, it’s a mixture of distaste for societal norms, tolerance for physical pain, and diminished IQ.

 and now, a word from our watershed

Ardor is useful for the young, but is often confused as evangelical when you’re older. “Religion” tends to breed cliques and the us-versus-them mentality, useful when you’re the underdog, but has little place in fly fishing.

We’ve got enough fractious behavior, backbiting, and cliques to rival any public middle school.

The recent article on “Brownlining” appearing in the Wall Street Journal, bred commentary that reminded me of the issue. While I cannot speak for all devotees, I’ll suggest this is largely perception, and will expand on the topic below.

…but I do think the author missed an opportunity to expand on the gentleman’s comment that brownlining is a “sanctioning” of nature’s destruction. At first I thought that these men were doing something novel in making the best of their environment, but then I realized, yes, they’re giving up in the fight to preserve nature spots.

Not so. Take an ardent fisherman whose got to work for a living, who – like you – has half a weekend afternoon to get in some “decompress” time, draw a circle around his house of an hour or less – and that’s what he’ll fish.

The fact that he represents a small voting minority comprised of like minded individuals means he’ll be fishing soiled water. Most of us live in urban areas whose voters deemed water quality and riparian habitat less important than green lawns and cheap rutabagas.

… which lie lonesome and congealing on children’s plates.

We’re still the only fellow keeping an eye on the drainage, the only guy packing out discarded water bottles, or alerting the authorities to the car or corpse in the streambed. We haven’t given up on the environment, we’re merely fishing the Now rather than gash our bosom over “how it ought to be.” At each opportunity we vote our belief, donate time or money to organizations that avow the same principles, but our lobby is weak, our collective voice a murmur, and our numbers diminish with every passing year.

Pristine blue water can turn into brown water by adding industry and people – and once brown, stays that way. As new watershed can’t be created and what’s left is either fenced or in slow decline, our children won’t understand this color distinction as they’ll be drinking it.

I enjoyed this article, but I think it gives the false impression that fishing in these marginal waters is relatively new. Other than the name “brown lining”, it is certainly not new.

So true. The earliest civilizations are synonymous with great waterways; the Thames, Nile, Tigris, Ganges, Yalu, Yangtze, etc., all spawned civilizations whose waterways boosted the flow of goods with other countries and municipalities. Untreated sewage and wastewater were intermingled with fishing nets and bathers, and the only new wrinkle is leisure time, a modern invention, and the concept of fishing as sport rather than subsistence.

Interesting story, but I’d still rather catch a 10-15 inch trout in clear water than a 10-15 pound bottom feeder in a toxic cesspool. Call it elitism if you like, but these guys will be happy I’m not into it.

I’m not so sure. Firstly, “toxicity” is a shifting target largely dependent on the government for “recommended daily dosages.” When we discover that  (2R)-2-[(4-Ethyl-2,3-dioxopiperazinyl)carbonylamino]-2-phenylacetic acid makes your children unable to reproduce, some fellow in Washington exclaims, “oOpsie” – and then a decade later – adds it to the long list of things to monitor in your drinking water.

… and secondly, a 10-15 pound bottom feeder has physics on his side. Whether lethargic or acrobatic it’s still twice the size of your tippet and glued to the bottom. It’s something to do while waiting for your daughter at band practice, and it’s something that keeps your reflexes sharp and your form true, so the first day of your vacation isn’t wasted as you relearn how to cast …

Clear water is toxic too – brown only gives you an extra visual cue.

…These are quite possibly the hardest fish to catch in fresh water on fly rods…they have some of the most advanced senses of smell of any animal and are easily spooked by even the most gentle casts.

Precisely what we’ve discovered, a one pound trout on a four pound tippet is a test of the trout, a fourteen pound fish on six pound tippet is a test of the angler. Isn’t that what we’re really looking for?

I bet these men would still jump at the chance to go fishing in pristine nature settings.

Also true, but nature is many hours distant and requires a weekend to be truly efficient. A two income household in a declining job market with an onerous mortgage, a 201K, and a kid needing orthodontia … Nature might have to take a backseat to food on the table.

To me the brown water is something close by that I can fish daily without endangering the family unit. No different from the practice range for golfers, who despite the decline in the economy, still have 51 weekends of desire, and a 16 weekend budget.

Beats crap out of painting the living room or remaining cloistered on the couch.

It’s certain some will prefer a secret society and claim to rival Theodore Gordon, but I want no part in it. I just want to make fish suffer.

Given the circumstances, Brown water with it’s miles of river and the solitude of Nature, with working fish and no human competition, contrasted with tales of overcrowding and traffic, rising costs and the diminishing returns of blue water, might make it the last frontier.

It doesn’t make its practitioners anything special unless the wind shifts.

That’ll be a WMD, weapon of Mosquito Destruction

We’ve assumed we needed to preserve the outdoors for future generations, but we may have been hasty. These are urban sophisticates raised on Xbox and Halo, and angry bears and bolt action rifles may be too tame to sustain their interest for more than seven minutes.

Thanks to science, I’m not even sure I want to go fishing anymore – now that I’m “heeled” with my handheld mosquito laser.

I can remember the first time I saw the cold blue light of the BugZapper, how I howled in glee with every burst of sparks, and the smoky spiral of another victim. It was awful tempting not to drop trousers and moon the bloodsucking squadrons destined for my tender posterior.

Gleeful cries of “you want summa this?” and “come get some” were mingled with the steady “bzzzt”, “bzzzt” of six legged executions. When the power went off – we ran inside and hid, shivering.

Now, we’ve got options:

In experiments, the system could target mosquitoes with a flashlight, and then uses a zoom lens to feed the data to the computer, which fires at the insect. Each time the laser strikes a mosquito, the computer makes a gunshot sound. When the mosquito is hit, it bursts into flame and falls to the ground, and a thin plume of smoke rises.

Call me the Two Gun Kid. I may even return to guiding so’s I can protect wagon trains of tenderfeet from marauding wildlife, “… the Kid’s hammy hands were a blur in the noonday sun, twin Colts roared to life …”

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSIWpFPkYrk[/youtube]

What kid would even consider fishing under the circumstances?

For us cagey older types immersed in the Catch and Release doctrine, will we succumb to setting our phasers to Stun, then winging Mayflies and Caddis to create our own hatch?

Nothing like struggling insects on the surface to trigger feeding trout. What dad would have the backbone not to employ Junior as his wingman?

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Will the new frugality reduce the hatchery bonuses paid to anglers?

Angling FatCats supping at the Public Trough? I like the sound of it regardless of motivation, a “put-grow-and-take” fishery versus the standard watery extrusion of 10″ fish through the gauntlet of floating Cheez-it scented Powerbait.

I’ve been many kinds of fisherman throughout my career, but the portrait of the “ovulating” hatchery truck being stalked by a cadre of militant anglers – has always been offputting.

It’s the Charge of the Bucket Brigade reenacted with great violence and no quarter; a stream of pellet-fattened silver splattered from the bridge, accompanied by the snarl of offroad tires, hoots and catcalls mixed with unruly sportsmen jostling for position, and the cheese scented screams of “federales” wrested from their new home.

Planting them at the fingerling stage would end the carnage, allowing them to populate something other than the pool they’re thrust in, and might even engender hatchery fish with “stream smarts.”

With state budgets in upheaval, and wildlife agencies among the first to suffer cutbacks – it might prove to be the economical alternative.

“A put-grow-and-take program is cheaper,” Young said. “It gets fish out of the hatchery system earlier — at six months instead of 18 months — and they look better and have more of a wild-fish behavior. It only takes a year for a fingerling to reach catchable size.”

High mortality rates are an issue with fingerlings, but the mortality rate of planted fish of catchable size may rival that of fingerlings in small waterways.

The costs of hatchery fish cited by the article are fairly astounding. If I were buying them off the restaurant menu, I’d be thinking I was in rarified company ..

The agency has scrapped a program it began five years ago in which it purchased hatchery trout from Tellico Fish Farm in North Carolina to make up for the 2001 closing of Pennsylvania’s Big Spring hatchery. Tellico had charged the state an average of $1.15 per fish (last year it was $1.27) — significantly less than the $2.14 it costs to raise a trout at a Fish and Boat Commission facility. When this year’s Tellico bid came in at $3.38 per trout, the commission drew the line.

Assuming three fish to the pound, that’s a $10 meal. I’d be staring down my nose only long enough to find a wedge of lemon.

First Squirrels now Cats?

The furry kind of cat If you thought squirrel fishing was the last frontier, think again.

Before you yell at me you may want to look closely at the areas where the hook is contacting fur, you’ll see the harness…

With that said, you may want to take a quick look at cat fishing, the “inhumane” flavor.

As small children and coworkers are likely to miss the harness, you may want to treat the link with respect, while fishermen might have a chuckle – distraught children, spouses, and angry coworkers will not.

At least we’ve determined the impact of PETA’s “sea kitten” campaign on saltwater angling…

I’d guess we can’t preach any longer

The cover of the Wall Street Journal has taken our dirty little secret into the hallowed halls of the mainstream.

WSJ logo

I figured to make the paper at some point, but assumed it would be some small obituary when they found me sprawled lifeless across a rusting Ford buried in the bank, fly rod clutched in cold, blue fingers.

It’s like reading wanted posters at the post office; Roughfisher, Urban Flyfisher, Trout Underground, Fat Guy Fly Fishing, and Michael Gracie all mentioned prominently with our beloved sport.

Initially I had trouble recognizing the parties mentioned as the author uses “Mister” and our given names. Brownliners prefer the familiar to address each other, with monikers akin to “Nosebleed”, “Meathead”, or “Buckwheat.”

The next step would include a major motion picture deal, but there’s not enough portly stout  sweaty and overweight leading men to cover our merry band.