Brownliner decor makes you recession proof?

I probably should’ve held off until next week to give it that “lived-in” look; coffee spills, discarded beer bottles, Simm’s pinups, and greasy wrappers from lunch – but I was too giddy to play coy.

 The Brownliner Office, sans red stapler

The “before” is eloquence for us muddy cubicle warriors, yellow caution tape accent, paramilitary camo wall coverings, and the piece de resistance – a digital calendar that displays date and time in hexadecimal.

What’s not shown is the matching camo smock rendering the wearer invisible, proof against Boss’s that dole out a weekend assignment on a sunny Friday, and causes the lurking “Candy Dish Phantom” to crap himself as he reaches for your lunch – or the occasional leftover donut…

In the lofty echelons of the corporate world it’s important to announce yourself with authority. Fancy suits and expensive aftershave are as commonplace as McDonald’s – and when management strides the corridor looking for slackers to meet their downsize quota, you’ll be the last to go – as the hushed whispers of the Personnel analyst concur, “there’s gotta be an assault rifle in there somewhere’s.”

I’ll just use up the last of the trout hooks before moving on to the big and shiny

I’m unashamed at an unnatural fascination for Claret; mostly I’ll blame Andre Puyans – many of my tying references were black and white and seeing him with a handful of Claret was the same eye-opening experience as finding out that Fruit-Of-The-Loom made something other than tidy whities..

I recognize it’s a weakness, some deep seated fascination with red – which has no obvious parallel in Nature, is bled out by the water column posthaste, and yet some rebellious gene has me throwing a pinch in when it’s least warranted.

Michael’s and eBay take turns catering to my obsession, but it was the claret floss that played to my base nature, sending me lurching for the counter dribbling little bundles of metallic thread in “nickel” bags.

 Mouline DMC Jewel Effects

Call it a six-strand, floss-cored, mylar-wrapped, tinsel sold in the floss aisle. Each strand is multicolored, tough as nails, and can be unwrapped from the other five with a twist.

Mouline DMC of France is the maker, offering “Jewel Effects” and “Metal Effects” the two types shown above. It’s available in pearlescent and glow in the dark – neither of which were available for me to paw over.

Shad are at the mouth of the American, just minutes down the road – and when they’re available the Brown water looks dingy and lonesome, as I’m crunching big water gravel intent on silver torpedoes.

It was the Claret that done it, each fiber about as thick as a strand of Moose hair; ribbing for trout flies, sparkle for the dirty water, and irresistible metallic gleam for the voracious maw of the American River Lesser Tarpon.

This time of year is an embarrassment of riches, and I’ll shove aside the earth tones and pastels and crack out fluorescence; limes, reds, pinks, and yellows.

Last year it was the “Peppermint Kestrel” that took all my fish, this year it’ll be reborn with an accumulation of brightly colored tidbits purchased just to make it more so. I’ll pile on the Angelina and hot pink Bernat Boa I purchased, wrap a flashy mutt yarn around what’s left and introduce it as the “Vomit Comet”…

A single thread wrapped as the body of an AP Nymph 

… making it easy to tell last year’s lies fish stories this year – changing just enough so it sounds different.

In the meantime, a little sparkle on a trout fly shouldn’t offend our sensibilities too terrible much.

Michael’s will teach that tawdry strumpet, JoAnne’s a thing or two

It just opened up, and now I must tithe one tenth my get For some it’s drugs, booze, or gambling, for others it’s the rush of adrenaline. For the chaste, it’s religion, or a triple decker, three cheese, bacon-wrapped grease-meat with a side of stained paper bag.

Fly tier’s eschew such quaint mood-altering luxuries. We’ve pissed away the “milk n’ egg” money, and when we squealed out of the driveway it was with the vision of pleading wife clutching half dressed waifs, dry eyed as they watched Poppa in wonderment.

We’re the Lurkers, the Night People – the frantic males dashing for the door; 17 minutes before closing – intent on bead encrusted, yarn draped, mayhem – the bane of disinterested teenie-boppers milling absently behind the register, counting seconds to the closing klaxon.

“You got any acid dye?

“Huh? … Betty, we got any “acid dye?”

Each clerk swivels expertly like Rockettes, looking expectantly at their neighbor until the grizzled gal with the manager pin heaves her bulk into view, “You see any over in dyes?” She fixes me with them gimlet eyes, intent – waiting for me to make a wrong move.

“Madam Treblinka” is awe inspiring, somehow avoiding censure at Nuremberg – and hired as Michael’s “muscle” – knowledge expert and den mother.

“No, ma’am.”

“Then we ain’t got any.”

I beat a hasty retreat back to the floss aisle, expertly throwing elbows at the obvious noOb’s. The press of fly tying humanity is stifling, so I point to the scrapbook area and let fly, ” Ooo, that’s Jungle Cock!”

It’s a mad scramble as the throng departs, leaving some motherly looking “bluehair” moaning on the floor, her bent walker wedged between glitter canisters.

A quick boot heel to the ribs leaves her gasping, and doubled over she’s no longer blocking the Claret silk, I reach for a handful just as the Two Minute Warning sounds.

Mission Accomplished.

The rest is merely a mop up – a police action, sifting through their dumpster for a stray fragment of gaily colored ribbon, or bent pipe cleaner.

Michael’s, a SuperStore that I don’t have to protest – except when I see my bill. It’s a fly shop without silly tackle in the way, it’s a freshly downed Wildebeest with us carrion-birds lurking in every aisle.

Driving by twice a day, it’s the Sirens calling to Odysseus – and I’m thinking Nurse “Treblinka” wasn’t sporting no ring …

The Trip of a lifetime is how Much?

It's a Dead Zone ... It’s one of those conveniences we forget in our rush to make the plane. Months of careful planning, itinerary, careful scrimping to get just the right package for a once in a lifetime fishing adventure…

… and the post-trip bill arrives from your cell phone company to the tune of $24,000?

I suppose that password feature that was never set would have saved the day, and us fellows prone to “butt dialing” enable that lifesaver at the first opportunity.

The “911” operators in my area have an APB out for both “Gluteus” and “Maximus,” – and if I get in a wreck I think I’ll opt to bleed to death.

As this Canadian fellow discovered, Ma Bell is less than sympathetic when a cell phone is lost or stolen. It’s just one more thing to consider in addition to avoiding the water.

Do we really want to split hairs on who’s greener

Play nice with the addicts 40 Rivers to Freedom posted a link outlining the toxic hazards of cigarette butts to fish and how researchers in San Diego want filter tipped cigarettes classified as toxic waste.

I hadn’t considered my use of foul smelling cheap cheroots as “green” – but now I’ll get to blow smoke rings and claim the moral high ground.

Everyone knows cigarette smokers are filthy creatures…

On the other hand, it begs the question “what kills whom the quickest,” as this might be self regulating. My perverse side insists that us disgusting, weed-burning, pre-cancerous litterbugs, mince about with little dog crapper bags – blushing while we stoop to capture the nasty…

Then I realize how that’ll play in the cheap seats, lending itself to more of the effete, snobbery label – which most of us despise.

For those stalwarts fishing the chemical backwater it’s essential equipment akin to wading staff or vest. A snap of the fingers and the coal of my toxic cheroot arches into the milky water ahead – if there’s no corresponding mushroom cloud or fireball – I know it’s safe to wade.

I am amused at the vitriol of even the tiniest of transgressions. Witness what transpires in a forgotten and filthy watershed, and after you’ve crapped in the creek and tossed your empty polyethylene water bottle to bob in my currents – do you really have the right to claim my cigarette butt is the root of all evil?

We’re so concerned about the symptoms – we’ve long since forgotten the problem.

SDSU Public Health Professor Tom Novotny and other members of the Cigarette Butt Advisory Group plan to recommend that filtered cigarette butts should have new requirements for disposal.

Nice. Now that you’ve settled the issue, why not focus on dead cars, leaking chemical drums, and the medical waste next to that flaccid ciggy?

It’s the perfect rainy day project, combat premature dubbing loss with Mohair

Mohair is the fur from the Angora Goat and has been used in textiles since the 16th century. It’s a wiry, spiky fiber – with muted luster, and unkempt appearance. Synthetics, with their bright colors and sparkle compete for our eyeballs in the same aisle, and the cornucopia of synthetic yarns has purged most of our aging stalwarts in recent years.

It’s also cheap, readily available in hundreds of colors, can be purchased at any millinery store, and blended with other fibers to make it softer, less spiky, or more durable.

I buy it in the “mutt” styles where each skein contains one to three colors and use it as filler on my dubbing blends. It’s a low cost alternative to an Australian Opossum (~$45ea) and is available in a bewildering assortment of colors.

Each skein is approximately a half pound, and if purchased in quantity costs about $1.50 each. It’s the preferred agent to learn “dry dyeing” or blending colors and natural fibers so you’re no longer dependent on the narrow range of dubbing available at your fly shop.

Creation via Destruction – Making the components

I’ll yank off 40 yards and break the yarn apart into its component colors. This is a great task for weekday quality time – when either the spouse insists on a romantic comedy or you’re stuck minding the rugrats.

Mohair "mutt" reduced to lengths of the component colors

The weave of the yarn dictates how small you’ll have to chop it to reduce in your coffee grinder. Sometimes twisted, others are woven – just make sure it’s 100% Mohair without the weave being a different material. 3/8″ segments should be small enough for both twisted yarns or the woven variant.

Each color is chopped into 3/8" segments and piled together

Your coffee grinder should be “blade” style, not the newer “burr” grinders. The cheap flavor is around $15, and you’ll need to be sensitive to heat buildup – as you can easily burn the motor up making a pound or more of dubbing.

It should not be the grinder used to make coffee unless you like drinking mustache.

I try to make at least a half ounce of each color, and when you start fiddling with blending primary, secondary, natural fibers, and sparkle – you’ll be a creative dervish and can burn that little toy motor into slag.

Stretch the process over a couple of days, use multiple blenders, and let them cool down between sessions. You’re going to like the result and the temptations to make additional colors will keep you coming back to grind again.

The Art of Blending – How to tear and mix without swearing

That ball of fiber needs to move around the container to blend The quantity of shreds added to the blender determines whether it’ll blend or simple remain immobile and make funny noises. In order for the grinder to tear apart and blend the yarn it has to move the contents freely inside the container, spinning the fibers like a cotton candy machine.

If it’s immobile it’s not mixing anything, you’ll need to remove fibers until the ball of material spins around unimpeded.

Run multiple small batches through the grinder to build the larger lump of fur. As each batch is reduced to fur (97% fur and 3% shreds), yank it out and start the next pinch.

Maybe you’ll have to run 10 or 15 small batches, but most won’t take more than 30 or 40 seconds each, so the task is neither time consuming nor arduous.

The resultant grind

There will always be some few shreds that don’t reduce, I’ll pick these out later (or use them) when I’m tying the flies.

From the above four colors we can make at least 8 additional colors by mixing them, and if we add sparkle and natural furs to the blends we can make upwards of 50 separate shades as well as multiple styles.

For a dollar you’ll become the next Picasso, but it’d be wise to consult the Artist’s Color wheel as it’s the bible for building shades and tints.

Adding Mother Nature – how to prepare animal fur for addition

I’ve never cared for commercial monochrome dubbing, most are made by dyeing white rabbit pelts and every fiber in the bag is the same color. Hareline and most vendors make simplistic dubbing – tossing skins into the dye bath and trimming the result into the plastic bag you purchased.

Mother Nature doesn’t color her bugs in a single drab monotonous color, and a mixture of shades and hues appeals to me on a variety of levels, both scientific and artistic.  Mohair is the base fiber of my bulk blends (beaver fur is the base for fine), and I prefer to break it up with natural fibers and guard hairs from both the Red Fox Squirrel and Woodchuck. Both of these animals are giant versions of a Hare’s Mask, and offer the same wonderfully marked hair.

Sometimes I’ll dye the Squirrel or Woodchuck for a specific effect, the rest of the time I’ll add them in their natural color, letting the amount of colored mohair determine the final shade. Small amounts will just break up the dyed mohair color slightly, larger amounts will make a new color – a drab, toned down version of the original.

As we’re fiends for earth tones, drab or muted color is exactly what we’re looking for in trout patterns.

I’ll use scissors or razor blade to remove all the fur and guard hair from the center spine of the hides, and toss them into a paper sack. We’ll have to break their affinity for each other with a coffee grinder, and that’ll turn the regular barring into a disorganized speckled mass of colors.

Ground Squirrel and Woodchuck

The same blending rules apply for natural fur; use small amounts from the pile to blend, and if the ball isn’t moving it’s not mixing.

All we’re doing is reorienting the fibers so they no longer stay together – they’re not all pointing in the same direction, or matted by grease so they stay together. When we add this to our Mohair color we’ll want these fibers to mix evenly with the colored mass -throwing some air in for added loft.

If you wish to make derivative colors by combining two batches of mohair it’s easier to do with the natural fur absent. Jot down notes if you want to reproduce the colors again – using color wheel style notation, it’s much easier to remember that way.

Ex: 2 Parts Green, 1 Part Yellow, 1 Part Dark Gray/Black, yields an Olive. Add yellow to make it a “warm” olive, and green to make it colder, add gray/black to make darker.

With the natural fibers you can make two styles of dubbing; you can make “tints” by adding small amounts of color to the natural, or you can make muted colors by adding 2/3 color and 1/3 natural hair.

Both Woodchuck and Red Fox Squirrel have a dark gray underfur and that will dampen the colors considerably.

Component colors ready for mixing

The top row contains white to dark brown. Equal parts of adjacent colors will make a shade in between. Use the bottom colors to flesh out your selection so the result gives you full coverage for the shades you’ll use most often.

Completed color range with natural fiber added

The above shows the shades of color made from mixing adjacent colors and adding “warmth” or “cold” to the result. The Woodchuck/Squirrel blend has been added to mute them into earth tones.

At this point I’ve built a color range of 30 different hues, not bad for the purchase of only 4 balls of yarn, 1 woodchuck, and a single squirrel skin. This has used about 1/6 of the yarn, so I can make 5 more batches in later seasons.

Mohair-Squirrel-Woodchuck with Soft Crimp Angelina added

Each of the piles is just under a half ounce – 4-6 packs of the small servings sold at the fly shop.

I’ve run these through the grinder one last time to add the Soft Crimp Angelina fibers for sparkle. I prefer adding sparkle as a separate pass as it offers better control over the overall effect. This yields 12 colors with sparkle, and 12 additional colors without glitter.

AP Nymphs showing 8 of the 30 colors made

It took most of the weekend to construct all this – as the grinder motor has to be watched carefully due to the volume of grinding and overheating. Having a second grinder would prove useful – but it’s easy enough to grind a half dozen colors every four hours, letting the assembly cool down between fits of artistry.

The perfect rainy day project.

It’ll take a better man than me

I’ve got my share of adventurous and proximity to either coast gives exposure to the cuisine of many continents. I’ve happily crunched my way to obesity via chicken feet, raw fish, gelatinous stuff I can’t pronounce, dead stuff that I’d as soon forget, odiferous stuff that I can’t, and McDonalds – which extrudes lips, beaks, jowls, and gonads, through dye and onto little molds that resemble fish and chicken.

… well, after they breaded it and added sugar …

Carp Caviar, for them as won't faint

I never have developed a shine to fish eggs, likely because they’re bait. I don’t care what the price per gram is – a couple of decades filching Pautske’s and Balls O’ Fire out of a jug, builds .. associations.

Like the time you thought the goo in the bottom might be Strawberry flavored.

… by the time I finished spitting, I was a dry fly purist.

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… and we do so in full knowledge that it hurts

make a sea kitten winceIt’s a hotly debated topic among fish scientists, whether fish feel pain in the same manner as humans, despite differences in nervous systems and cognitive abilities.

Being a lay person, I’ve always been skeptical of the “cognitive” theory, which suggests fish cannot feel pain due to the lack of higher brain function. Knowing the efficiencies of Mother Nature, it seems unnecessary to build different versions of the same thing – when one pain mechanism would serve both plant and animal.

Simplistic to be sure, but recent research suggests that fish feel pain in the same fashion as we do.

The experiment shows that fish do not only respond to painful stimuli with reflexes, but change their behavior also after the event,” Nordgreen said. “Together with what we know from experiments carried out by other groups, this indicates that the fish consciously perceive the test situation as painful and switch to behaviors indicative of having been through an aversive experience.”

Research on Rainbow Trout adds additional evidence the scientific community may soon reverse their belief that “pain” was merely a reflexive motion in fish – not a perceptive response.

The present study examined the acute effects of administering a noxious chemical to the lips of rainbow trout (Oncorhynchus mykiss) to assess what changes occurred in behaviour and physiology. There was no difference in swimming activity or use of cover when comparing the noxiously stimulated individuals with the controls. The noxiously treated individuals performed anomalous behaviours where they rocked on either pectoral fin from side to side and they also rubbed their lips into the gravel and against the sides of the tank. Opercular beat rate (gill or ventilation rate) increased almost double fold after the noxious treatment whereas the controls only showed a 30% increase. Administering morphine significantly reduced the pain-related behaviours and opercular beat rate and thus morphine appears to act as an analgesic in the rainbow trout. It is concluded that these pain-related behaviours are not simple reflexes and therefore there is the potential for pain perception in fish.

This is big news on the science front, but will be even bigger with PETA and the eco-fringe. Now that we can make “sea-kittens” cry, and knowingly maiming them for sport, we can expect another bevy of Hollywood actresses to disrobe for their defense.

Lucky us.

It won’t really change anything for us brutish fishermen unless they learn to yell. In the interim, we’ll do our best to quickly unhook the beast – and if it continues to flop around while we release it, we’ll mutter, “Man up, dammit.”

Blame Harry not me – I’m just the messenger

A quick leech tie featuring the mylar portion of the yarnI’m reminded of the last minutes of “The Natural” – where Robert Redford glances at his broken bat, turns to the batboy and says, “Pick me out a winner, Bobby.”

Singlebarbed reader Harry has done just that – stumbling onto a superb mohair/mylar yarn blend:

A lady I work with gave me a couple yards of a yarn by Karabella called “gossamer”.  You may have already found this stuff, it ain’t cheap, but it makes a great looking nymph.  Check it out at yarnmarket.com ($24.95 for 222 yards. also found some on ebay at $20.  Haven’t ordered any yet, but they offer some neat color combos.  Sort of like the stuff that Danville thread will make by combining chenille and crystal chenille only with mohair.

I don’t buy the “gave me some” angle, most likely he stapled her knitting hand, and while coworkers applied bandages, rifled her possessions and grabbed it.

The yarn is alternating segments of mylar chenille (4″) and spun mohair(16″), yielding a combination of flash, yarn, and when pulled apart, great dubbing. The Mylar segment is a bit thicker than the rest of the yarn and makes a natural taper when wound on the shank.

 Karabella Gossamer mohair and mylar blend

Available in 37 colors is a bonus –  I grabbed the Dark Olive/Copper and the Claret/Gold colors as a trial. The mylar component is quite soft, not bristly or stiff like cactus chenille so it’s well behaved when wrapped on a hook.

The plain mohair portion is quite thin and could be wound on #16’s and #18’s, or you could trim those portions out and rip them into dubbing with a coffee grinder.

Next week I’ll have a long winded article on just that – so grab a couple skeins, clear the table – and be prepared for some mess making.

The Flyfish Journal debuts in August

As fast as they’re shuttering newspapers we’re getting more goodies to line the coffee table.

Flyfish Journal logo

The Flyfish Journal’s debut is scheduled for August 2009, featuring glossy paper, quality photographs, and the completely useless articles by a bevy of saints, sinners, and the newly converted.

We seek images that speak to the soulful eccentricities of fly fishing, shots rich in context and character and feeling. Creative shots the others won’t run. We welcome experimentation. The Flyfish Journal is a new and creative vehicle to showcase your hard work.

Until then you’ll have to settle for their website, and the teasers posted in Tailgate…