A River of Champagne Runs Through It

Paris Hilton has anglers backpedaling in a tizzy with her recent confession that she adores fishing ..

… and I like to go fishing and I like to go look at frogs. I’m really random like that.

Leave it to a socialite and outsider to boil the essence of the outdoor experience down into human terms, and with understated elegance.

It’s plain angling writers have been on an unproductive tangent describing the heroics and hardship of accumulating angling wisdom, and eloquence was lost in the fog of war …

… we like frogs too, and random, but only when it pertains to our showing for work.

When queried of her upcoming reality show with Lindsay Lohan; where Paris and Lindsay portray fly fishing guides in Yellowstone, Montana, there was no comment.

Pre-production is rumored to have started with working title, “A River of Champagne Runs Through It” – but we’ve been unable to confirm or deny any detail.

Paris Hilton, fishing, I’m random like that, fly fishing guides, Yellowstone, fly fishing humor, complete fabrication

We’ve always known our wet flies and nymphs were sexy, it was them dry fly fashionistas that never believed us

I can remember listening intently while it was explained that attractor flies have relied on the color red, as it was the color of blood and should excite any predator.

The Woman in Red

The real truth has been revealed that anything in red is twice as seductive as other colors, and while fly fishing’s founding fathers insisted it was blood, they were really playing fast and loose with a fish’s emotions.

Simply wearing the color red or being bordered by the rosy hue makes a man more attractive and sexually desirable to women, according to a series of studies by researchers at the University of Rochester and other institutions. And women are unaware of this arousing effect.

Naturally the American Museum of Fly Fishing blames all them Victorian eurotrash for another in a long string of sports scandals, all the while convinced Theodore Gordon was both chaste and pure of heart. Anyone actually reading Gordo’s book on dry flies knows he was a cocksman, as every third etching has some fulsome yet anonymous babe draped on the bank.

For the collector it means any fly fishing book authored in the last century is liable to be fuel for a puritanical purge that should drive their value into orbit.

Along with this learned association between red and status, the authors point to the biological roots of human behavior. In non-human primates, like mandrills and gelada baboons, red is an indicator of male dominance and is expressed most intensely in alpha males. Females of these species mate more often with alpha males, who in turn provide protection and resources.

“When women see red it triggers something deep and probably biologically engrained,” explains Elliot. “We say in our culture that men act like animals in the sexual realm. It looks like women may be acting like animals as well in the same sort of way.”

– via Science Daily

… and it’s obvious there’s a few loose ends, as most women seeing red are possessed by something deep and primitive, but it’s usually thrown crockery and a couple of snapped fly rods that results.

The volume of fly fishing magazines whose cover is adorned by stern looking Marlboro-men wearing red shirts and dirty ball caps? About 87%, which translates into nearly 46% of the sales destined for beauty parlors and woman that aren’t angry yet …

females attracted to red, the lady in red, fly fishing, attractor flies, Theodore Gordon, cocksman, fly fishing humor, the color of blood

I had similar endless questions, and disregard for wise council, only the fly fishing instruction was less perverse

I’m fixing him with my best grizzled guide Mac Daddy look, hoping I resemble in betwixt pure menacing and and just plain ornery mean, while I snarl, “… and you think you’re ready for dry flies, eh?”

“Sure, as you ain’t got a truck, I can drive us up to the woods and we can try some stream fishing – with cold water and trout …”

“ … and backlashes, and swift water, and gossamer tippets, wary trout, invasive species, a predawn McDonald’s colon plug, a side of rarified casting, quiet water that you can’t splash in, nine phases of the mayfly lifecycle, tactical clothing, fly floatant and application of same, gusty winds, perilous sharp edged rocks, mosquitoes, rubber soles, wading staffs, long leaders, and you ain’t even mastered the Roll cast yet?”

“Yea, that.”

“You want to leave hungry and desperate fish in a private game preserve, within walking distance of your house, cold refreshment, and a nap – in favor of hot, sweaty, public, and hard?”

“Well, yea …”

Ignoring reason and wise council is a critical part of fly fishing – almost as crucial as ignoring weather forecasts and hygiene … yet before we head for the Pristine and all the perils that await you, you’ll need to abandon fancy and embrace science ..

The Royal Coachman of the slack water

We’ve done big and gaudy, small and wiggly, and bright and ponderous, now we’ll learn to match the hatch, where we fish a reasonable facsimile of what the fish really eat. I call it “WidderMaker” and if you can avoid burying it in an arse cheek and bleeding to death, we’ll consider your apprenticeship complete.

“This floats right? I mean, this is a dry fly?”

“Which leader should I use, the 7.5’ or the 9 footer?”

“Do I put floatant on it?”

Lucky Dragon

“Hey, this is kind of fun.”

“That’s the biggest bass I’ve caught here.”

“… and the biggest bluegill too, I can’t believe they eat this.”

“I like this, it’s visual.”

Widdermaker gutslams another

I don’t think the bug lasted more than seven seconds without something attempting to eat it, evidenced by the bluegill snacking on my Widdermaker in the picture below … making it the Thrill that comes Once in a Lifetime …

They won't even leave it alone long enough to snap the picture

“For over a thousand years Roman conquerors returning from the wars enjoyed the honor of triumph, a tumultuous parade. In the procession came trumpeters, musicians and strange animals from conquered territories, together with carts laden with treasure and captured armaments. The conquerors rode in a triumphal chariot, the dazed prisoners walking in chains before him. Sometimes his children robed in white stood with him in the chariot or rode the trace horses. A slave stood behind the conqueror holding a golden crown and whispering in his ear a warning: that all glory is fleeting.”
– Gen. George C. Patton

If I only knew then what I know now – the spiral downward would have less gut wrenching.

I suppose most of our experiences were similar, something magical and foreign mixed with a dab of science, and suddenly luck has much less influence than first thought. I had the same disregard for wisdom, the same endless questions, only Pop was much less perverse in his instruction.

Dry fly, George C. Patton, Dragonfly, mayfly lifecycle, scientific angling, fly fishing lessons, warm water fishery, trout, grizzled guide

Tents and pocket lint worse than wading boots

It’s bad enough that we’re forced to endure the obligatory cavity search when boarding the plane – thereby removing all the explosives, brass knuckles, shanks, and belt fed weapons common to fishermen, but our arrival may soon be far worse.

The Nasty live here I stumbled across a New Zealand document outlining their strategy in combating the invasive threat – which includes foreign plants, insects and all the stuff we know about …

The volume of invasives carried unknowingly is enormous – but of particular interest is the items now being routinely confiscated from arriving tourists. Naturally there are the obvious targets like fruit and foodstuffs, but tents are in the high risk group and confiscated immediately.

Shoes have to be declared, and inspected – and may be cleaned on the premises by airport staff, or confiscated, some 80000 pairs were removed from passengers last year.

In 2006-2007, 116,700 seizures were made from 2% (103,000) of arriving air passengers and crew. Contaminated used equipment (e.g. footwear and tents) was the most commonly seized risk good (34%), followed by fruit fly host material (23%) and meat products (10%).

Pathogenic fungus spores, plant seeds, and all manner of biologics are found in debris trapped in the soles of standard footwear.

A study on footwear in Honolulu International Airport recovered 65 species of fungi from 17 shoes (Baker 1966). Pockets of clothing also have been shown to carry potential risk material including dried and fresh foliage, seeds and feathers (Chirnside et al. 2006). Used tents may not only harbour plant and animal debris but also live insects (Gadgil and Flint 1983).
Because tents are potentially going to be used in national parks or other indigenous forest areas, tents were categorised as ‘a major risk’, and carefully screened by
MAFBNZ border staff.

Researchers examined 157 pairs of soiled footwear carried in luggage and found that while the amount of soil and leaf litter adhering to the sole was relatively small, with a median
(range) weight of 1.0 g (0.01-55), this contamination supported a range of bacteria, fungi, seeds and nematodes (McNeill et al., unpublished data). Seeds were present on over 50% of footwear examined, and 73% of all seeds recovered were found to be viable. Nematodes, which are microscopic worms that include a large number of plant parasitic species, were present in 63% of the samples collected.

… and yes, anglers were caught transporting the nasty too.

… used fishing waders and socks have been implicated in the arrival of the invasive freshwater algae didymo (Didymosphenia geminate) from North America to New Zealand.

Assuming a goodly percentage of vacationers wore comfortable footwear due to the walking and gawking necessary to take in the sights, we can assume a significant percentage were rubber soled (soon to be banned on international flights) so we can expect to be replacing all those wading boots again …

Just kidding.

It neatly demonstrates how thin your margin for error is … and if you thought you wouldn’t have to quarantine your rubber soled wading boots, wouldn’t have to freeze them, or wouldn’t have to scrub them with disinfectants and dry them completely … you’re dead wrong.

… and while you’re at it dry those waders and socks too.

Didymo, New Zealand, Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry Biosecurity, nematodes, confiscation of tents, invasive species, anglers

All those lectures delivered by stern biologists go unheeded after it earns a nickname

… and while the tabloids make great fun over the adventure, the biologists grind their teeth in frustration.

How to get the invasive message across to a public that flushes pet alligators down the toilet, tosses piranha into the Old Swimming Hole once they outgrow the Goldfish budget, or toss that Boa Constrictor into the brushy area where everyone walks their dog – as it would be cruel to dispatch the oversized SOB now that it strangled the neighbor’s cat.

… then again, it makes an awesome, albeit controversial addition to some fellow’s life list. A story that’ll fetch free beer for months on the retelling.

I can’t help it if your finger freezes on the third tap of flakes feeding your child’s pet – that lumpy orange behemoth in the video would make any fellow question his forthcoming liability.

… as for flies, I’d think an emergent Cheetos would be just the ticket.

Monster goldfish, invasive species, fish flakes, Cheetos, goldfish flies, frustrated biologists, fishing for goldfish

The fly fishing magazines continue to increase, our lunch hour is made whole again

Add Upstream to a crowded field of e-zines making their debut in 2010.

I liken the ezine conundrum to the current political spectrum, where Republicans and Democrats try to distance each other from the opposition, the administration, and their own party.

As each new magazine throws down their own unique brand, free of tired articles about indicator fishing, and espousing the “journey”, the “experience”, or “we’re not your Dad’s hobby” – I find the distinction losing a bit of allure.

It’s fly fishing that brought you to the dance, and I’d always assumed you should leave with those that brought you …

Numerous straw polls and statistics suggest the influx of new blood has been on a steady wane – and us current practitioners are growing older, wiser, and accumulating skills. We’re no longer the fresh faced novitiates who are struggling with wind knots and trying to makes sense of it all, and our impatience with the “same old articles” may stem from fluency with the technique – and having read six or eight already.

The existing print media takes considerable heat from nearly everyone, much of it well deserved, but I wonder whether they are the root of our dissatisfaction, or merely we’ve changed and are impatiently waiting for the literature to catch up.

Like you I read them all, yet have trouble verbalizing what I’d like to see – what prose or topic would make one magazine head and shoulders above the others and engage me completely.

The picture-based magazines ooze stunning photography and make me yearn to take better pictures, the “Red Bull” magazines make me wish I could chug an energy drink without making faces, and the “journey” magazines get me all maudlin then jar me with an ad for the technical clothing needed to fish bacon rind.

As fishing is such an individualistic exercise, what’s lacking is liable to be quite different from one reader to the next, but I’m still not seeing what I think I’m looking for …

I may be yearning for lost youth, where the mention of puce baboon bottom would send me in a frantic search to secure some, or that new knot that would fix all my monofilament ills, or new creek packed with giant voracious fish that I’d ignored enroute to some place further.

Older and wiser I recognize that fellow in the fog and half light would be the same fellow cursing me for low holing his pool, and the photographs are appreciated but skimmed quickly. The “Red Bull” crowd gives me the impression they discard their empties on the beach – while disappearing in a cloud of sand and hamburger wrappers. They’re skimmed and put to rest as quickly. The “journey” and “feelgood” attempts all feel good, until the advertising intrudes – and part of my journey includes a “tactical” shooting head and the “experience” of paying off a high priced venue or higher priced rod.

We want to feel your experience through your unique professional approach. If you’ve got a garden variety fly fishing story – we are not interested.

I suppose that once the graphite rod crossed the thousand dollar barrier, we were forced out of our hobby to join other pastimes whose professionalism includes the tools to ply our craft, and also the uniform – the accoutrements of social station.

Like golf being synonymous with double knits and headless hats … er … visors.

I welcome each new entrant into my reading itinerary, there’s plenty of lunch hours and ample time to digest each attentively, but I’m still unsatisfied, struggling with what’s missing and it may be nothing at all.

Cigars, food, dancing, Patagonia, what’s not to like?

Upstream magazine, fly fishing e-zine, fly fishing literature, garden variety fly fishing story, social station, fly fishing

The California Delta just another victim of conspicuous consumption

Another in a long list of reports on Delta water use, the state’s best and brightest suggest that 75% of the rain and snowmelt of the Sacramento and San Joaquin watersheds must flow through the Delta and into San Francisco Bay to maintain ecological equilibrium.

True to form the report was met with great skepticism by water users;

Big water agencies that rely on the pumps criticized the report in news releases as imbalanced and “purely theoretical.”

In human terms it means we’re already using twice what the report allows, and the tensions between folks holding rights to the water are bound to escalate.

Meeting all of those requirements would require San Joaquin farms, Southern California and portions of the East Bay and South Bay that rely on pumps in the southern Delta to cut their Delta water use by one-third in addition to recent cutbacks required to meet endangered species rules.

For other water users upstream, including utilities serving Oakland and San Francisco, the effect could be even worse — up to 70 percent, because the goal to increase river flows would make more water available in the Delta for pumps to export.

But those figures do not take into account water rights laws that say agencies with older rights — including some in the Bay Area — should not have to give up water for newer users, and that agencies closer to water sources also should not have to give up water to those relying on Delta pumps.

– via the San Jose Mercury News

As the report is non-binding it remains just another data point on what plagues all the western states. Limited water, too many people, rampant construction, and the conversion of desert to irrigable land.

Us fishermen and conservationists might start the teapot boiling, but we’ll be on the sidelines during most of the ensuing legal orgy – as cities sue other cities, farmer pitted against farmer, and decades of legal haranguing ties any real change to the courts.

… and it wouldn’t surprise me to see documents dating back to Father Serra and Sir Francis Drake waved about with great furor …

California delta, water wars, Sir Francis Drake, Father Serra, Spanish land grant, water rights, Sacramento River, San Joaquin River, San Francisco Bay

Wherein we celebrate that which lacks spots, and lacks the aloofness that comes with wearing same

Who couldn't use more tail The only thing in short supply this year has been success. It’s part and parcel of a “too” year; where everything is too cold, too high, too soon, and then suddenly it’s too late.

Shad came and went, and while there was no lack of trying, my entire season was a single hooked fish.

Till now, trout fishing has been every bit as fickle, and with the daytime temps at triple digits, it’s hovering on too high, soon to be too late.

… while the tomatoes are still green and irrigation rampant, there’s plenty of flow in the brown water, which is recovering slowly from last year’s dewatering.

And as we’ve been subjected to thousands of pictures of fins and spots on a trout’s arse – a worthy yet relatively drab foe, it may be time to give some of their scrappy cousins a little choir music, and equal respect.

Every fish a thing of beauty

bass2

Fishing being the second oldest profession, it shares some small similarities with the first; the bright bawdy-house colors, obvious contusions and willingness to share themselves with strangers, a welcome respite from the aloof and chaste I’ve been chasing the last six months.

With fish being as sparse as they are this year they’re all worth celebrating, all photogenic, trophies in their own unique way. A healing balm to an angler whose gone without for too long.

Tags: rough fish, fly fishing, brownlining, trout, bass, bluegill, American shad

Eastern Brook trout victimized by sloth and indolence

While the ignoble Brook Trout has enjoyed recent popularity due to its coronation as the Official Char of the Trout Underground, the question remains which Char is that exactly?

Brook trout are exhibiting two distinct sets of behaviors, and scientists are attempting to determine whether it’s in the early stages of divergence – splitting into two distinct albeit related species, one aggressive and actively foraging, the other content with a shady bank – and whatever drifts by.

It turns out that the telencephalon, the part of the brain linked to movement and spatial abilities, was relatively larger in the fish that went foraging away from shore, where they would have to recognize underwater landmarks to navigate and avoid becoming prey themselves.

But this raises other questions. Were the fish reacting to their environments differently, and developing separate behaviours in consequence?

A study now being completed by another of McLaughlin’s former students, points in that direction.

The brook charr that hugged the bank have higher levels of the hormone cortisol, which is associated with stress, so perhaps worry keeps them home.

– via the Toronto Star

Given the Trout Underground’s penchant for snoring hounds (whose telencephalon lacks folds or fissures) – and fatter slaw-smothered dogs, there can be little doubt the early nod for Official Char should be the couch potato worry-wart (Salvenus Stressor tuberosum) variant.

Leaving us lean and predatory coarse fishermen to adopt the “Big Brain on Brad” Salvenus – as the Official Snack of Them as Lives in Sewage.

… where that big brain can be an advantage – however short lived.

We captured 42 of 74 individuals in 1991 and 42 of 69 individuals in 1992. Each captured fish was killed immediately with a blow to the head, its fork length measured to the nearest millimeter, and the carcass placed in a labelled plastic tube and put on wet ice.

Oops, maybe not. A 57% capture rate in the first year followed by 61% in the subsequent season suggests a drop in IQ – more smart fish were thumped than slumbering homebodies.

… and for them as fish for them regular, remember it may take two or three drifts before them Eastern tubers even think of stirring off that couch.

Eastern Brook trout, Salvenus fontinalis, char, trout underground, evolution of trout, trout fishing, fly fishing, telencephalon

The Birds and Bees pale in comparison

That’s when you turn to your son and have a serious heart to heart conversation – probably the hardest you’ll ever have, knowing the horrid truth …

“Kid, you’ve seen the best fishing has to offer, it’s all downhill from here.”

… minutes after the father and son team set up their rods by the banks of the reservoir, they began reeling in their massive catch, which fishing experts have described as one of the largest carp hauls in history.

Mr Lee credited the success on a combination of good weather and the imitation dog biscuits the two used as bait.

– via the Northhampton Chronicle

Which is the truly wonderful part of the story, akin to the freckled kid with bent sapling and enormous dripping trout. The high dollar tackle crowd clandestinely keeps count while gashing themselves in torment …

800 pounds later:

Mr Lee said: “By the end of it, Louis was getting a bit bored really.

Which explains why I can’t hook more than the occasional fish, I’m imitating a real dog biscuit.

Buoyant imitation Dog biscuit, soft enough to use on the hook or hair rig. Our imitation Dog biscuits have been developed to overcome some of the problems associated with other similar products currently available. The inclusion of a counterweight into one side, ensures that the hook always remains on top, out of view of any ware fish. It also ensures that the imitation biscuit sits low in the water, just like a real biscuit that has become waterlogged.

… all I need to do is add a set of bead chain eyes for a counterweight, and lose the deer hair that made mine look like a freshly discarded dry treat.

Tags: imitation dog biscuit, carp fishing, scientific angling, fishing

Singlebarbed

Fly fishing the Unloved & Unclean