Fish with Nugent & the Trumps, if not for the entertainment value, then perhaps for charity

Ted Nugent and us Weekend Warriors It’s a mixture of chance or luck that aligns celebrities with the love of the out of doors. We’ve enjoyed a lot of minor nobles and B-list celebs, interspersed with Presidents and hedge fund big wigs, but that mainstream banner-carrier continues to elude us  …

… mostly because the jury is still pending on that Jesus thing, at least until they roll away the stone and find a couple of hammered Roman KastMasters at the bottom of the ossuary …

Of them that’s left, only Ted Nugent commands enough testosterone and unabashed outdoor goodness to plow through all them animal firsters, animal rights and lefts, and Vegans, to hold a reporter’s interest long enough to pin a couple soundbytes on the evening news.

For that, we love him.

Now Ted has promised to entertain you for charity with some unlikely bedfellows, given that the Trump children aren’t known for straying too far from armed guards and penthouse – never the less both factions have decided to set aside all differences to entertain you while you fish.

The iconic madman and avid hunter has put a day of hunting and fishing at his Waco, Texas compound on the auction block at leading charity auction site charitybuzz.com. The lucky winning bidder and a guest with join Ted Nugent, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump Jr. for a day they’ll never forget.
The experience, valued at $30,000, is open for bidding through August 8th at:
http://www.charitybuzz.com/catalog_items/270205

I can only hope one of the Trump’s breaks a nail – while Ted runs down live prey and eats it raw – sending the NY contingent scrambling for  their jet – or temporary cover behind their manicurist …

Knowing my audience I figure the Ted must’ve earned a special place in your Camaro or Trans-Am, and while your coin may come dear in this challenging economy, the desire is still there …

If Trout were Zombies we wouldn’t have the issue

strippers_versus_zombies With everyone alternately bemoaning the lack of newcomers to the sport, and cursing those that do show up as movie fanbois, it’s a wonder what few social organizations remain continue to insist on out-of-the-box thinking in the hope we’ll lure kids away from Nintendo and into the arms of us antisocial fly fisherman …

Porn would make the task easier, but we aren’t allowed to lead the poor child that far down the Dark Path, given little brother will supply all his needs once he realizes he can charge for it.

I say we need to play to the youngsters nervous skills and unbridled urge to kill everything. We’ve watched countless screens of Zombies expertly dispatched by knives, sharp sticks, and phase-plasma rifles, why not mention that fish bleed and writhe in pain when stomped?

A leading English supermarket opted to give away nearly 12,000 pounds of less marketable fish to its customers in hopes of making them less reliant on troubled fisheries…

In the first week of the campaign six tones of sustainable fish was given away by the retailer, with trout forming the largest share of this at 22%, and British Trout Association members are already reporting an increase in demand for farmed rainbow trout fillets with a significant increase in sales recorded.

Is it possible that increased trout fillet sales may drive increased interest in the fish, possibly even stimulating the palate enough to buy a rod, reel, and a jug of salmon eggs?

Whereupon the poor SOB has now availed himself of our tender mercies, allowing us to point out the error of his ways, demand that he repent and spend thousands on real tackle, wade into the water he’s fishing – giving him both finger and stink eye if his lower lip so much as trembles, then suggest he should let them all go if he gets lucky?

Yes, we are often our own worst enemy, funny how we overlook that.

Hopefully it’ll involve a loincloth and a dull Buck knife

It’s increasingly important for us torturers of living creatures to live up to the collective Metrosexual expectation at work, given that we freely admit to sleeping on the ground, and consider bathing optional.

We’re like the city kid that bought his first four wheel drive vehicle, way down deep he knows it needs a deep mud puddle to gain legitimacy.

And while both Congress and our beloved President are lecturing us on the benefits of compromise, suggesting both Executive and Legislative branches could use a leavening of us compromise-prone sporting types, who dearly love those grandiose boasts at the water cooler, yet compromise so the Missus can share the same tent

Kinda clean with a smoky edge

… when our real motive is to claim we rubbed ourselves down with greasy pork belly before chasing all them ravenous Grizzlies away from our trembling and fearful family.

It was them or me, so I kissed my wife goodbye then rubbed the bar on my nether regions and ran hell for leather at the biggest one, the one drooling the mostest …

As the only thing better than stretching the truth … is a complete outdoors falsehood involving loincloths, ravenous predators bigger than us, and a dull Buck knife.

The Blitz – Fly Fishing the Atlantic Migration

theBlitz I remember Pop would hustle home from work, reach for that big 12 foot surf rod and Penn Senator whose level wind required an educated thumb, and ignoring me and older bro’s entreaties, as we weren’t old enough to come, he’d vanish in the Jeep to return carrying two huge fish that represented a week’s fine dining.

… or so Ma and him thought, me and Older Bro still preferred chicken over seafood, given Mother Nature made chickens empty and big stripers full of gawd-awful smelling guts and scales that we had to shovel out of the sink and dispose of quickly.

San Francisco had quite the Striper culture I was to find out later, once I was chasing them myself. I might have been resentful at not being allowed to go as a young lad, but I understood later. Striper fishing on the West Coast being dangerous as hell, involving multiple treble hooks on foot long plugs, adrenalin filled anglers tied to rocks or perched on slippery algae forty foot above an ocean that offered a scant 30 minutes before you died of its chill. Swells between four and twenty feet, and an undertow that forced you into a constant backpedal as it took the sand from under your feet in the blink of an eye.

There’d be a whole phalanx of cars parked above Ocean Beach, each fellow sharpening his hooks or retying his knots while scanning the water from the Cliff House to Pacifica looking for the clouds of birds that signaled stripers pinning clouds of Anchovy to the beach …

There was nothing gentle about the sport, as even a minor misstep meant something barked, smashed, or bleeding.

While all those memories were reawakened by Pete McDonald’s elegant prose in “The Blitz” (Tosh Brown photography), it portrays our East Coast brethren as having a much easier time of it; shallow beaches, gentle swells and being able to stand in the water while casting.

… all of which is completely foreign to my experiences.

I’ve been a fan of Pete’s Fishing Jones blog for many years. He possesses a light, engaging, humorous style that is both self depreciating and completely infectious, and I was counting on getting a generous dose of his wit in this work.

Alas, his text is forced to play second fiddle to the photos which dominate almost all the pages, and while the photography is quite good, with the occasional spectacular, the grip-grin pictures can be tedious.

Each of the notable areas of Eastern Striperdom is treated with a short piece about the surroundings, a sprinkling of prose on the community of anglers, and a plug for one or more local guides. It’s an engaging adventure book, not intended to be a resource on Stripers and Bluefish, nor is it intended to devote reams to fly patterns and technique, rather it’s a deft narration of a year long adventure snapped in pictures.

There’s enough flies imbedded in center consoles, fly books, fish’s mouths, and hook keepers to make a pretty good reference work, and based on the samples; big, white, flashy and chartreuse, dominate most of the preferred offerings.

As a west coaster and not indigenous to the area, I was unawares of the perils facing the East Coast fishery in the Eighties, and the success story that was their resurgence a decade later. Outside of a paragraph here or there in an old book, I’d run across Lou Tabory, sand eels or lances, and knew that our West Coast fish were imported from the East via milk jug and train.  What surprised me about this book was reading of the favorable surf conditions and just how big a fly fishing following existed in these eastern byways and resort towns – and how commanding was the distribution of fish, all the way from Maine to Virginia.

An Albie liked my fly, but one of the whipping coils of clearing line caught on the edge of my wristwatch. The fish left in a hurry trailing half of a fly line – half Chuck’s fly line if you’re keeping score.

“Goddamnit!” yelled Chuck.

“It caught on my watch.”

“I know, that’s why I said ‘goddamnit.”

I tried to cover my watch with my rain jacket.

“Take that off, Son,” said Laughridge. “The only times you need to know on Harkers are sunrise and sunset.”

As we idled around for the next opportunity, I heard whistling from the helm and recognized a tune from the Wizard of Oz being performed at my expense.

I would not be a just a nothing

My head full of stuffin,

My heart all full of pain,

I would dance and be merry,

Life would be a ding-a-derry,

If I only had a brain.

Pete hints at a striper subculture commanding a following of obsessed and dedicated anglers that are only a Gierach book away from being celebrated by the rest of us. Naturally it was these dropped tidbits that I wanted to know more about – as tales of suffering and deprivation are always more gripping then us working stiffs plying our craft on weekends.

Perhaps in the sequel, and at the cost of some photos …

I’d be interested in the old pre-80’s slant, and how this new breed of angler fit in with that hoary old crowd – as guys like Joe Brooks and his ilk appear to have been involved during a similar heyday.

I’d suggest that the narrative is much too clean to be real however – throwing lead-core and weighted bucktails on 3/0 hooks in the constant inshore breeze of the beach, has to result in a good deal of maimed flesh. Nowhere in this narrative is a hint that the line is capable of filleting human flesh or that burying the barb of a large stainless steel hook in the soft flesh of an ass cheek presents an angler with but two choices … run for the car and the tender mercies of Emergency – or continue fishing as it’s that goddamn good …

This book is a fast read due to the preponderance of photography. I found it terribly interesting and terribly short of subject matter, given that so much turf is covered and the book’s reliance upon photography to assist the narrative is simply not deep enough. I found it enjoyable – yet it had me wanting to know a lot more of the people and sport, as well as its history.

Full Disclosure: I purchased the book at full retail ($49.95) from Departure Publishing. 216 Pages, 315 Photographs, 43 of which are guys holding stripers.

Risk public ridicule and earn a hat in the doing

The Singlebarbed Grease Magnet

At one point both of them were black. The one on the left is what I’ve been wearing the last couple of years; fragrant with stale human, pomade, and insect repellant – the one on the right is clean, sterile, and looking for a home …

Them as has commented plenty are to be admired, given their penchant to lead chin first into the public space with wit, insults, and factual detail that corrects me when I get hasty or sloppy.

Ed Stephens, John Peipon, Jim Batsel, JP2, and Peter Vroedeweij – drop me a note with a mailing address, you’ve all earned a new brim.

… and yes, in polite company I’ll wear a clean one, maybe …

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We call it Rusty Sharp Stuff, you call it the Impossible Lie

It’s why I have to whisper encouragement to all them Blueliner’s when they pretend they want to come fish with me …

I hear that molar-on-molar grind and attempt to restore their calm before they hurt themselves in a fit of piqué. Trout fishermen being used to fishing only in the first three dimensions; simple rectangles and polygons, a bit of trailing weed, perhaps even a low hanging branch – yet when I mention the fly needs to make that interior eddy by the ashtray they get all confused and squirrely on me.

Toyota Sedan-like optimal lie

Trout fishing being much simpler than a four door Toyota, which requires a caddy to whisper slope and bearing, sink rates and waveforms. Given the darkest and deepest lies are always a complex object, offering confounding currents due to entangling roots and tubers, and sprinkled with a leavening of decaying head rest.

Audi instream eddy

European engineering, multidimensional complex cast, especially if you want that natural sweep into the interior where all the big bass hide.

Ass, grass, or Pikeminnow, nobody rides for free

A hookup in the passenger seat induces a bit of angler panic, regardless of size. It’s the wireform of the seats that corrodes into rusty sharp stuff – all of which eats tippet instantly.

Not much life in the river these days, the flood having extincted all the fish and moved the cars from their former bankside imbed. I still carry a rod with me, but its only occasionally that something presents itself.

Mostly its the exercise I’m after, given the heat and miles of bank offer the opportunity to restore that lean predacious angler that doesn’t grunt while pulling on his booties …

It makes us the more efficient predator

While the continuing saga of the Asian carp has done wonders for guided bow fishing, the rest of us unfortunates have largely been shut out of this orgy of sanctioned killing  …

The Good News is that all that is about to change now that ballistics experts have invented “Super Cavitating” rifle ammo which allows hunters to fire into the water, hunt underwater, or fire onto the bank from underwater, rendering it all child’s play save for the Kentucky Windage component of optical diffraction.

Now, the frustrated angler can simply yank hogleg and blow hell out of large wild fish with single and barbless, fully jacketed projectiles that will retain its cladding and ensure lead from large caliber projectiles is not released into the watershed.

We’ll be treated to guided carp hunts featuring jet boats and quad-fifties, where success is measured solely by expended ammo, not limited by some arbitrary or capricious fish & game ruling.

Like Dim Sum, we count the discarded ammo cans and then add in a tip.

 

“The ammo becomes a true extension of the hunter’s desire to kill in any environment,” says US Army ballistics expert, Madison Aveenu. “It offers a more fluid transmission of energy from wet to dry. The eye sees the shot it wants to make and is translated to the ammo by the gun instantaneously.”

Now you regret cutting Physics lab

Graphite and Water, who would of thunk it

Certainly, I always suspected us fishermen were ahead of the curve, but all that dope smoking in High School left us a couple of IQ short of a MENSA member.

If we’d run across some of those eggheads that attended class they might of mentioned we were waving around the fissionable equivalent of 140 Hiroshima’s … but they’re still sore from us hurling them into the girl’s bathroom with the elastic from their underwear wedged so far up their keister that …

Supercatchables & Shovel Ready: Spending 5000 dollars to catch you

Fish_Education Angered over the recent contest won by Roscoe, New York as America’s Fishing Town, the principality of Dunsmuir, California, decided to squander precious treasury dollars to become Home of the Mashed Fin Fatty.

With its long history as a fishing destination, the town is tossing a fly of its own onto I-5, hoping to lure oodles of free spending fishermen. It plans to purchase $5000 worth of two foot long Rainbow trout and sprinkle them within the confines of the township hoping they’ll get caught.

Every week we’re going to see a picture of some kid holding a fish wider than he is. It’ll be in the newspaper. It’ll get on the internet.”

Figure a couple year’s worth of sodden flesh draped over the arms of beaming tourists, a couple videos gone viral, and word spread on all that hatchery goodness.

Hookers might have been cheaper …

Should a town really wish to be a magnet for fishermen, it needs to put in the appropriate infrastructure, including; at least two adult restaurants open after 10PM (adult is defined by the cook being so in deed as well as name), a breakfast stop open before dawn, a fly shop off Main Street, a source of 24 hour ice and gas, ample sleeping arrangements from posh to outdoors, and a Laundromat open both Saturday & Sunday.

… and it is easy to hate the Trout Underground, given all the current riches he enjoys being so tawdry and commonplace as to need an upgrade to Fish X, and Fish Y, and with his connections to Councilman Raine, I’m sure they’ll drop a couple of fish within casting distance of his verandah.

… specially  trained, dry fly only …

Dinner is a sure start to extinction

All our lives we’ve dreamt of this fish, and when it arrives we think it something beneath our refined taste buds and certainly unworthy of sport.

The fact that you continue to purchase Budweiser is testimony to your lack of tastebuds, ensuring you’d enjoy a donut about as much as a dog turd if both were glazed equally…

That’s primarily because you guys are optimists and think should you remain aloof something more befitting will come along. As a pessimist, I know better …

In 2008, Asian carp made up 82 percent of the commercial catch on the Illinois River and 30 percent on the Mississippi, according to the Illinois DNR.

via St Louis Today

Fourteen or fifteen states gets a fish that leaps into the boat its so eager to get caught, and rather than thank Heaven for a little tawdry sport in a river that grows more coliform bacteria than biomass, we’ve got to appoint a Czar to wage war on it …

Fortunately there’s a little “out of the box” thinking left in the lower 48, and rather than turn up their nose at all this free protein, St. Louis has decided to de-bone it, grind it up, and serve it as canned tuna and fish sticks to the city’s poor.

If Obama had any real stones he’d march a contingent of Secret Service down to Mickey Dee’s and get Ronald McDonald some waders …