We are assaulted each day by whom the Yellow Journalists would have us fear. Today I cannot trust; catholic priests, school teachers, online gaming parents, politicians, and spinach.

Hell, we knew about politicians, and every kid knows spinach is contemplating world domination – what was conspicuously absent from each media piece was the label, “fisherman.”

Are fishermen the new high water mark for morality? Not the religious-right flavor, perhaps “normality” is a better word. If true, are we prepared to assume that lofty mantle for the rest of civilization? Jerry Falwell wielded the Moral Majority into a ponderous political lobby, can we do less?

The election is fast approaching. Candidates we can decide later, as every fisherman I know is a dissembler, incapable of measurement in either metric or standard, they should do exceptionally well in Washington.

The 2008 Bull Moose Platform

Free trade with Canada and Mexico, remove all barriers to fish immigration, only stop all water leaving the US at the border.

Space is too damn expensive. Redirect Lockheed and Northrup Grumman to develop a superstrain of Eastern Brook Trout. Bonus payments if they use stem cells. PETA will balk, but the “Char Wars” program must be championed agressively.

To reduce our dependance on foreign oil, withdraw our troops from Iraq and redeploy them to New Zealand and Argentina, grant both statehood.  Now that we have all of the big Brown Trout, we can form a cartel.

I think I have covered both the “red” and “blue” states, anything else before we launch our convention?

Barry Bonds closes on Hank Aaron’s career record, and seems fated to earn an asterisk, Lance Armstrong is accused of doping, even his lack of a testicle is seen as an unfair advantage – so where is the International Gamefish Association (IGFA) and their drug testing policy?

Most anglers are doped to the gills – we know that. But who’s testing the fish?

Olympic squads have their score invalidated if any individual is positive for a banned substance – fishing is certainly a team sport, the difference is one of the “team” is unwilling.

Proof is abundant – even Fly hooks are “chemically sharpened”, yet manufacturers mention only vague references to “solvents” – before vanishing in cloud of tinted-sunglasses, and chauffeured Mercedes.

The water supply is a cocktail of drugs banned by the Olympics, yet the IGFA requires only a sample of tippet and a certified weight to record the catch for posterity.

I smell conspiracy – somewhere in all this is a blue dress, a half dozen Budweiser lobbyists, and Payola.

The most sinister development to date – and is flying neatly under the radar of most of the angling brotherhood.The “anti-addiction” pill is akin to a viral juggernaut, and we sit complacently while our wives, girlfriends, life partners, and significant others, plot our demise.

This is the fate-worse-than-Death, as the pill will likely be sold over the counter, and “Doctor MoM” will be ending all of our “addictions” to Playboy, swearing, Sunday morning football, fishing, and … you guessed it … BEER.

Dubious? Skeptical? Eat this…

“Right now, more than 200 addiction medications are being tested.”

Use your fingers; gambling, drugs, smoking, fast cars, fine scotch, cuban cigars… I’m out of ideas at 7 – leaving 193 unnamed addictions they are already testing.

Left to your “better half” your Sundays will now be filled with drapery treatments, scented candles, and the millinery aisle. You laughed when you made her watch re-runs of the Stepford Wives, now your bamboo rod will be holding up her tomato plants.

“In 5 to 10 years we will be treating addiction very differently” predicts Nora Valkow, a psychiatrist and Director of the institute of drug abuse.”

Ms. Valkow is the great grandaughter of Leon Trotsky, yes – the Leon Trotsky, beer and fishing are toast, apple pie and Motherhood to follow. You’ve been warned.