What’s a meta for

“Protect yourself from ‘phishing‘ attacks, don’t be lured by false web sites attempting to net your personal information.”

Is the indiscriminant use of angling metaphor proof that we have insinuated ourselves into every walk of life, every tier of society, and that our quest for world domination is nearly complete?

Or is it merely that we’ve spawned societal intolerance, and are nearly on par with lawyers as the perennial joke-butt?

“There’s a ton of cash on the sidelines, and people are willing to bottom fish.”

“Police netted 13 arrests, a gun and drugs.”

Wall Street, neatly landed in our camp, and law enforcement appears to have taken the bait, all we need do is get our hooks in some politicians, snag a judge or two and we can bring the electoral process to hand.

The converse is unbearable to consider – lawyers have had a decade to shrug off the harpoons of their detractors. Anglers are an impetuous tempermental lot, prone to being caught off guard, and sent reeling in disarray by public censure.

SingleBarbed opens another can of worms, and catches Hell in the process…

Think like the fatted calf

I take my Armani clad shock troops out of the financial district; lock and load with laptops, cell phones, personal digital assistants, dry erase markers and ample frappachino, then plunk them into a “World Class Trout Experience” – hoping they will learn to “Think Like a Fish?”

I ‘ve been attempting to think like a fish for a couple of decades – finally decided that fish think rather poorly. I assume that this experience will teach your executives to mill aimlessly in circles when out of their comfort zone, to snap at brightly colored foreign objects, to flee at the hint of movement in your industry, and be gutted mercilessly when your company is acquired?

I think I would be a lot more comfortable with some form of predator metaphor.

“Together we put on competitive ‘waders’ and literally put your management team in the ‘water’ near the customer ‘stream.’ “

So they can flail around ineffectually, learn brand loyalty by changing flies constantly, expose them to superstitious ritual, go in over their head at the first careless step, and blame the weather for their failure to execute.

Nice. On day two you’ll have to teach them the difference between “watering hole” and fishing hole ..

Like a new penny only better

I can only imagine what this would look like coming through the water, or airborne attempting to throw the hook. Now that things have settled down in Croatia, you may have an opportunity to fish for them … using fly tackle instead of an RPG.

The Balkans have at least 5 types of trout not available anywhere else, many appear to share some ancestry with the Brown trout, all have diverged from that gene pool – and yes, all are endangered.

Which Zone to draw for

With the many reports of ocean fish stocks at impossibly low levels, and research suggesting that 90% of the big fish are gone, will the attempts at restoring these fisheries also hold for fresh water?

There are far less anglers, their numbers also are declining, but the inland fisheries are still suffering, even with catch and release management.

President Bush appears to be following the lead of Australia and Iceland in signing the Magnuson-Stevens Fishery Conservation and Management Reauthorization Act which likely will pave the way for LAPP drawings. LAPP is Limited Access Privilege Program which entitles a community, individual fisherman, or association, a predetermined share of each year’s harvest. No share means you cannot fish.

If we assume that this practice may be applied to non-commercial freshwater fisheries that become unsustainable, then it will be akin to a lottery, just like hunters have had to do for years.

Granted this is idle musings, but super-popular destinations, like Yellowstone, could have a combination of natural and man made pressures that might result in a depleted watershed, as is happening this year with their weather. Planting may not be an option if a unique species or strain is affected, and the National Park Service may even get a boost in revenue as a result.

Like the man said, these are the good old days.

Lose weight go fishing

Sold Out Online? I can’t believe this stuff sells at all…Next time don’t remove the rock in your wading shoe, as it may be the source of your angling weight loss.

An enterprising fellow has developed “Micro Wobble” technology, guaranteed to slim those unsightly bulges in thighs and hips, making your legs both gorgeous and muscular.

Ripefish compliments fellow anglers all the time, it’s the source of most of our black eyes… “Oh my god, Bob – have you been working out?”

Anglers have known about micro-wobble and macro-wobble for years, just wade any stream with a greasy cobble bottom, and you’re wobbling from start to finish. Felt soles merely enhances that affect, cleats allow you to wobble with more authority.

Enter the “Fit Flop” sandal, I dare not say more for fear of giggling.

“The FitFlopTM destablizes the foot slightly, creating a more continuous tension in the supporting muscles of the foot and leg.”

That sure sounds like the Upper Sacramento to me, if I get in too deep the tension is not confined merely to the calf, will I make it to the bank, or am I about to become another holiday statistic…

No finger lick

In reading the recent developments about Lead contaminated toys, it struck me that I may want to abandon all weighted nymph use and become a dry fly purist.

Fly tyers use lead fuse wire to weight all underwater flies. Lead wire acted as the metal filament seen in today’s fuses, burning through at the appropriate amperage and killing the circuit. Dropped from commercial use long ago, but still remains the preferred choice to sink a small hook.

Lead is absorbed most readily through airborne dust and ingestion. It can also be absorbed through the skin when mixed with sweat. While tyers handle lead a short time during fly construction, tying a lot of flies prolongs the exposure.

The best information I can decipher, is that you want to wash your hands. Slightly more sinister is the finding that “oxidized lead” – lead that has discolored via contact with the air, is absorbed at a much higher rate.

In short, if you handle lead, it’s on your fingers, if you smoke while handling lead, its in your mouth as well. If you have old spools of oxidized lead in your tying bench, those pose more risk than newer spools of clean metallic lead.

As a defensive practice, and if concerned, I would suggest that you lead all of your hooks in a quick session, wash your hands, then complete the flies. In this fashion you are not replenishing the lead on your fingers with each new fly.

Now that all us tyers have no hope of reproduction, current research also suggests that consumption of iron, zinc, and calcium, assists the body in getting the lead out.

Nice to know that SingleBarbed was all over the vitamin issue in a prior post, cutting edge medicine free for the asking.

Revenge of Bottled Water

I see where the Bottle Water Industry has finally regrouped and is launching a PR offensive destined to reshape it’s tarnished image. If you haven’t kept abreast of the issue; the revelation that vendors are selling purified tap water, are exempt from having to label it as such, coupled with the mayor of San Francisco tired of picking empty Avian bottles off his lawn, has the industry on the defensive of late.

I think there is a better approach than, ” Water is good, and better than soda pop.”

They missed the entire Green effort, they could have said, “With the advent of global warming, and with declining water quality, Nestle suggests buying a six pack and emptying it into your favorite trout stream. Help the fishes, because Nestle cares.”

They missed the Iraqi freedom angle completely, martial music accompanied by Star n’ Stripes – featuring an orphaned waif drinking out of a shell hole – suddenly confronted with his first taste of freedom and democracy, compliments of PepsiCo.

“We’re better’n pop” puts them head to head with the big kid on the block, Budweiser. All Bud has to do is have a couple of Clydesdale’s lap up some Aquafina, with a blond in the foreground exclaiming, “Water’s for horses, but beer is for men” and they’re cooked.

Sacred stuff

I was pulling my waders on when I heard an agonizing scream, a veritable death-rattle of a sentient human. In response, I half waddled, half fell into view of a horrific scene, an angler tucked into a fetal ball, with his pal administering last rites…

Fearing the worst, I duck-walked over to render assistance, prepared to tourniquet the missing limb, donate an extra kidney, or surrender a couple of pints of blood. On my approach, his pal looked up unconcerned, callously dismissing his friends condition, with, ” No worries, he forgot his fishing hat.”

Fishing hats are sacred stuff, and this poor fellow pounding the ground in agony knows what we all do – might as well turn the car around and go home, as that hat is the key to all success afield.

There are two Perfect Truths evident in a fishing hat; the first is that it’s the only possession you own that survived your first three divorces, and second, with fishing hats there is no fashion mis-statement, glaring clash, or styling faux pas.

The product of years of adoring neglect, stained by sweat, blood, and a bevy of unmentionables. Festooned with flies – most embedded by accident, torn, crushed, or rolled – it is the visual proof of the anglers ascendancy into Manhood.

Aged 13 years, like old scotch … and the salt seeping through the lettering is from real tears, as that was the year the Vikings demolished us in the playoffs.

Defense Contractor Angling

The space program generated most of the rod materials and synthetics used by today’s tackle, should it stop there, shouldn’t us taxpayers get the hand-me-downs from the military as well?

We paid billions for their research and development, it’s time we reap the benefits. Carbon Fiber made significant advances to fly fishing, but will pale in comparison to what “smart” technologies can offer.

Anglers can now fish from bridges, parking lots, and the front seat of their car – any Laser guidance lock on large brown vantage offering line of sight to the prey. Catch and Release fishing becomes surgical and precise. Once painted with the laser, spooked, large trout will find no refuge in undercut banks and instream log debris. Precision guidance ensures the minimum of collateral damage to undesirable coarse fish and hungry fingerlings.

Entertain and delight your friends with “nose-cam” replays, watch in amazement as large, heretofore uncatchable trout, say obscene unmentionable things to your inbound Cam-Head Green Drake emerger.

Unnatural and unsportsmanlike? I think not, Osprey having been using much of this technology for years.

Catch and Strain

Essence of 1 million krill Ok, so vitamins are good for you, and fish oil is purported to be the best. If I release a half dozen fish on my last trip, will that heal the karma associated with grinding up one million menhaden to soothe my colon?

I’m all for the “modern american diet” featuring a plethora of pills I take with breakfast, dinner, to wake up, go to sleep, to make my girl look doubly so… I get all that, but when the stern-father-figure diety stares down at me, claiming I swallowed six million krill per day, I think the Devil will be chuckling in the background.

I was thinking that maybe them six trout deserve to die. Not sure how many souls all them krill have, but it sounds like plenty.

So do I spin the landing net into a tight ball and squeeze? I got room for a highball glass in my vest, mixed with a little branch water, 8″ of trout is liable to have my daily dose of something..

I meant besides algae…

Singlebarbed

Fly fishing the Unloved & Unclean