Category Archives: science

The "Shrek Trout" a merit badge for the adventurous

The Asfar (Yellow) troutAnother exotic venue to add to your list as the rarest of all trout will debut next year in Dubai.  Genetically engineered to thrive in higher water temperatures, the “Asfar Trout” (Yellow Trout) will be featured on the two community islands of The World, and also the freshwater lagoon of the new Dreamworks theme park, which broke ground earlier this year.

Strict angling regulations have been adopted to preserve the resident fish – and “no take” permits are only available to residents of the The World and vacationers staying in the penthouse suite of the theme park hotel.

The product of extensive genetic manipulation, the Asfar Trout gains it’s tolerance for warm water from the “Hamour” – a local grouper found only in salt water. Hamour and Rainbow trout make up the bulk of the genetic variant and tendencies from both species have been noted.

Fisheries biologists are keenly interested as this variant retains some of the migratory instincts of the steelhead trout, yet laboratory tests shows the “Ham-Trout” variant infertile. With ready access to salt water – the real  question is where will it migrate..

“Opening Day” will be April 2009, and if you’re staying at the hotel, you’d be a fool not to take advantage.

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Are you really that good or was your guide wearing a whistle?

Science gone awry, now it’s torch and pitchfork time…

I yawned at the stem cell debate and didn’t blink at the prospect of genetic manipulation of crops, but Pavlovian fish sounds like something worth firebombing a clinic or two. Fish taught to swim into a net when a tone is sounded – it’s every guide’s dream and our worst nightmare rolled into one.

What’s next, teaching them to coat themselves in batter and hop inside a fryer?

The theory is simple throw farm fish into the ocean and have them swim back to be fed, while they’re not looking smack some with a hammer and wrap them in plastic.

The bigger goal is to defray the costs of fish farming, an increasingly important source of the world’s seafood. If fish can be trained to return to the farmer after feeding in the open ocean for several days, farms could save money on feed and reduce the amount of fish waste released in concentrated areas.

If this catches on – what canny guide wouldn’t start planting fish in his home water? Tough day with clients and drop the iPod earpiece overboard playing “the secret Tone.”

Why stop there? If you can get them to come to the boat, you might as well get them to rise a lot and jump periodically for added attraction. Imagine how clients will revere you when you glance at the water, stroke your chin, and pronounce, “..that weedbed at 9:00 has a ton of large fish..” – who could resist abusing that much raw power…

He also expects large numbers of released fish to be lost to predators.

This is like everyone on the block using the same frequency on their garage door opener, if I hear you humming while chumming – I’m likely to harvest your entire crop..

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8e-vgQSqNtA[/youtube] 

Sorry this tone’s taken …

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That’s OK, we slept since then

It's We ate all the big stuff, most of the medium sized stuff, and we’re working on the small stuff now. Next comes the really small stuff, those critters so important to the food chain that their absence upsets the entire apple cart.

West coast salmon virtually collapsed this year despite our best lip service, we said we were conserving them like a sumbitch – and industry estimates backed our play. Then the bottom fell out – and everyone shrugs their shoulder and points at “not enough krill” – we were managing the take just fine.

Now they’re suctioning Krill – mostly because of the health benefits associated with Omega 3 fatty acids; you take a couple tons of the fundamental building block of the entire saltwater food chain, mash it up and add some Yellow Dye #3 – puke that into capsule form and serve it up to an aging overweight population as a miracle cure for what ails them.

Naturally the estimates of Krill populations vary depending on whether your livelihood is derived from their capture; scientists estimate 100 million tonnes, and the fishing industry claims there’s five times that amount.

Me, I see it as simple genetic manipulation, akin to the same stuff various organizations protest most violently. In the one case, we’re tinkering in an area best left to Divinities, and in the other – screw them, they’re just  salt water insects nobody’s exploiting yet.

It’s a kind of unknowing hypocrisy, what they really fear is we’ll unleash a biological atom bomb that’ll destroy the Earth in a couple of weeks, whereas destroying the Earth in a couple of decades is just fine.

I don’t get it.

Egghead scientists and eco-radicals get on the Telly – and once they start frothing the rest of us turn the channel. Normal folks are excluded from the same exposure because they don’t froth at the mouth, and make poor sound bites.

That leaves me, a semi-literate SOB wading up a polluted creek thrilled to catch 3″ fish that no one else wants, knowing that next year they’ll be 2″ – and fewer.

Just remember, Soylent Green is made from People…

Use the frontal lobe, Luke

It’s like realizing the President of the United States is standing next to you – as you struggle to pull your hands out of your pockets to shake his hand, the suddenness of it all disengages your frontal lobe..

When you wake up in jail, and they remove the Secret Service arsenal from your various orifices – you realize what you did wasn’t such a good idea, and you didn’t vote for him anyway’s.

Having them hands in plain sight would have been a better opening move…

Meat eating engine, let's risk our fingers shall we?

That’s not the rubber prop from “Jaws” – that’s the real deal, a massive meat eating engine chummed to the boat with blood bait.

That scientist has forgotten all about Shark vision and how with eyes mounted on the sides, they’ll strike sideways – as they have poor vision to the front. A couple of fingers wiggling in the periphery, and he’s a statistic.

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If the Medicine chest is that available, I’ll go with the midwife or shaman – I seen what Princeton can do

Bottled water done it I go to the doctor with assorted ailments and he prescribes I eat a carp a day and call him in the morning?

It’s a familiar theme that we touched on before – but as more evidence appears in the press, we might want to cut the big drug companies out of the mix – carp is a lot cheaper than prescription meds..

“Lake Mead is a fortuitous worst-case scenario” for study, said environmental toxicologist Greg Moller, holding a bottle of Lake Mead water he planned to take back to his lab at the University of Idaho. “You’ve got the wastewater, you’ve got the documented impact on wildlife, and you have drinking water uptake.”

What’s new in this topic is some of the effects not yet attributed to trace drugs in the water supply. Much of the focus has been on the larger critters, fish and humans, now they’re discovering that some of the building blocks of a healthy ecosystem are at risk.

Tiny zooplankton, another sentinel species, died off in the lab when they were exposed to extremely small amounts of a common drug used to treat humans suffering from internal worms and other digesting parasites.

No mention of us being targeted as a source of pharmaceuticals, but it’s only a matter of time before trace amounts of fly floatant or desiccant are found in “Catch and Release” water – we’ll have to take our turn in the docket just like the rest of the crowd.

Lake Mead is apparently the poster child for research; it has all kinds of fish to test for effects of human drug waste, but the really tasty part is that it’s the water supply for Las Vegas and the seven states south. The article suggests that outflow of water treatment plants, and the intake of water for citizens may be close together.  Because Lake Mead is only half full and shrinking continues (drought, etc) repositioning pumps is years of work and many millions of dollars.

Antidepressants are mentioned frequently – they might be “longer lived” in water – therefore more virulent. I can’t say that the casino owners would be shedding many tears – why wouldn’t I want my guests hopped up on how good they feel (as I lighten their wallets).

As a fisherman I have to agree, all I ask is that big arsed triploid get a gob full of antidepressants just as my Clouser minnow ambles by..

You may want to airbrush out the fish hook if you’re determined to prove your point

Name it and achieve immortality How’s your entomology? The 50 million year old mayfly likely needs to be keyed to genus and species.

..or you can take the shortcut, and hope no one notices you might have bent the rules a bit..

An Islamic text entitled “The Atlas of Creation” has created quite a stir, it purports to show Darwinism doesn’t exist – assisted by fossil evidence in amber to prove the point.

The only problem is that little nameless caddis fly, not the one preserved in amber, it’s the “live” one next to it … the one that hasn’t changed in all them millions of years.

My what a big hook you have

I’d say there were red faces aplenty – especially with that big old hook there for the scientific community to pounce on.

Come to think of it, that hook does look old…

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Yes, it’ll cost like the Devil – but you’ll want it anyway

Just add, nevermind.. You cut most of your science classes in high school, I’m just paying you back for them misdeeds.

It’ll be plenty expensive, you’ll insist you need them, and when you find out what it’s made from – you’ll rethink the whole “Brownline” genre.

Scientists have developed a self sealing rubber that can be torn, severed and pressed together for a complete repair ; you’re right in thinking it’ll revolutionize waders, no more patch kits and messy chemicals you replace yearly, and you might even be able to add “boot foot” cleats onto a stocking foot wader merely by cutting them off – then changing back later.

When the material is broken, the molecules on each side of the break lose their partners, and “so they look for partners to make these hydrogen bonds,” Leibler explained. If the two ends of the broken piece are brought back together, the molecules will re-partner with molecules on the other end of the break. But if they aren’t brought together within several hours of the break, the molecules will just pair up with other molecules on their respective end, and the material can no longer be repaired.
If the material does re-fuse, it retains the same amount of stretch as it did before and, “you can repair it many times,” Leibler said.

…ok, so you’ll be Cinderella, and you’ve got to make it back to the car by midnight, otherwise them severed stocking feet are toast..

The Brownline angle comes from the material itself, the rubber is comprised of fatty acids and Urea, which means if you piss on a Big Mac – you might be able to make your own. Nope, not joking – urine is 98% sterilized water and 2% urea, and if this stuff takes off – we’ll all be pissing in cups.

I love it. All them “Blueliners” that fear to trod the Brown-water will be “vogueing” each other while standing in pizzle. We learned a long time ago not to lick our fingers wading – it’ll be a bold new world for the rest of you.

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As if the deck wasn’t stacked against fish already

You eat all that Calamari you ungrateful wretch Every father will resolve to take their kid fishing, spinach will end it’s run as the worst possible food Mom can serve, Tuna fish is going to be in every middle school lunch pail, and sardines will resume their rightful place on  supermarket shelves.

Fantasy? Not likely, every youngster caught with a girlie mag, or a sudden dip in school performance, and it’s  parental wrath with a side of Sushi. If the science is conclusive expect school cafeterias serving Gorton’s Fish Sticks for breakfast and Fillet O’ Fish for lunch.

The theory is fish oil (Omega-3) may help placate aggressive behavior, and will undergo clinical trials in three youth reformatories in England.

… capsule takers committed on average 26% fewer disciplinary offences than those taking a placebo and committed 37% fewer violent crimes.

If Mom isn’t already wadding capsules down the poor kids gullet in an effort to improve grades, wait’ll she reads about the effect on teenage offenders.

If true, it’s really going to suck to be a Tuna.

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If it looks like it bites it’s a mashed something-or-other

This is my speed Saw this on a forum and got spanked pretty savagely.  A 65% score won’t earn a scholarship, but I might make the Dean’s List – as a disciplinary “hard case.”

The Macroinvertebrate Match Game compliments of Allegheny College, a quick and dirty assessment of your aquatic bug skills. Additional suffering is available at the Waterfowl Call Match Game, they play the sound and you identify the species.

I was worse on the waterfowl, every bird I hear is heading away from me protecting it’s hindquarters – they’re smart enough to avoid a fly tier with an unnatural gleam in his eye..

I got 100% on the waterfowl identification, nothing beats a handful of something and knowing whose backside you tore it off of… It wasn’t the reptiles, I give them a wide berth where possible.

Takes about 1 minute per quiz, something to do while munching your sandwich at work.

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Think of that next time you toss the Sumbitch up onto the bank

Now I'm in for it Evolutionists have surmised Man is the result of a long chain of genetic events whose ancestors lived in water. Divine Theory has always touted the lack of evidence in the fossil record to support that conclusion. Four years ago a paleontologist unearthed a “fish” that had both neck and “hands“, the missing link in human evolution.

Armed with a public school introduction to Evolution, and setting aside the controversy of Divine versus Darwinism, it’s well known many branches of the Evolutionary Tree cast barren fruit. We’re at the top of the food chain for the moment, but any number of maladies could change that in the blink of an eye. Not surprisingly, the next sentient species may already inhabit our waterways.

While not overly worried that “them as inherits” is going to have a grudge,  we’ll be that “idjit ape thing” they find traces of … how we dominated the planet briefly and went “poof” for unknown reasons. I am intrigued by the notion of “which fish it’ll be” and how come we haven’t placed the entire genus off limits – so they get their chance.

It won’t be anything “Salmo”, as humans have turned over every stone trying to find a super-strain, they lost whatever legacy was possible when we started raising them on handfuls of dry dog food. In fact, you can forget all of the current gamefish species – we like ’em, so what we don’t eat we’ll screw up by tinkering with genetic code, possibly in an attempt to produce bigger ones faster, or other noble purpose.

I’m thinking it’ll be a member of the “bullhead” family, an underwater cockroach capable of surviving any known flavor of Armageddon, thrives on Zebra mussels and Rock Snot, immune to Ebola, and can reproduce in pure ammonia.

Think of that the next time you yank one off your line and toss it up on the bank, all you’re doing is selecting for the air breathers … brilliant move, Monkey-Boy.

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