Category Archives: humor

We’ll call it Sarah Palin’s California suburbs

Put Rabbit back on the menu

As Sarah Palin has just been booted off The Learning Channel, and has confessed to gunning down anything that walks, crawls, or swims – and especially if it walked, crawled, or swam over our borders illegally, you may want to entertain the notion of a charismatic appointed to the inevitable Czarina of Invasive Diets position.

Relying on state and federal government intervention is a waste of time, and private funding for environmental issues has always been unreliable. What’s really needed is a couple of trendy eateries, coupled with an anemic New Age apostle proclaiming invasive Jihad, and all those Vegans will be dining on Rock Snot & Chickpeas, or Quinoa Snot, content in the knowledge they did what fishermen can’t -save a couple continents and thousands of sentient species from extermination.

“When human beings decide that something tastes good, we can take them down pretty quickly,” he said. Our taste for passenger pigeon wiped that species out, he said. What if we developed a similar taste for starlings? “

– via The New York Times

It’s plain that an unwanted plant or animal from another continent or planet, has only a single natural enemy, and that’s us. Those that make a good facsimile to a hamburger, or a tasty condiment on same are simply doomed, the rest we’ll get around to after the tasty stuff has all been vanished.

Like the “Victory Garden” of generations past, we only need to give the issue an attractive enough wrapper so that we’re fighting each other over who’s more so than the rest of the neighborhood, who thought of it first, and who’s not carrying their weight …

… and if science was something other than a bunch of aloof eggheads, they could remind us of the unusual reservoir of age-defying Omega-3’s contained in a single Zebra Mussel.

The New York Times suggests a diet based on purely invasives would make the practitioner an “invasivore”  – and has gathered an article on the like minded; everything from an “Invasive Diet” plan, to broadening scope to anything that shows up unwanted, including the neighbor’s cat.

Most of the stuff we stalk and eat already has serving suggestions, “no more than one meal per month, less if you’re pregnant.” I can’t imagine a steady diet of Purina can add anything worse to that mix.

Christianity to blame for housing collapse?

farside It appears the real cause of the housing downturn may not have been all them paper derivatives no one understood, rather it  was all them Christians selling their homes and possessions knowing the fabled “End of Days” is nearly upon us.

Which in part explains the surge in emigration from those south of the border, they know all them nitwit Christians will be having some serious sales come April, and the Mayan calendar says they’ve got until September 2012 to enjoy those abandoned homes and the Norte Americano lifestyle, Holmes …

… after which the world cracks open and most of us will enjoy global warming, personally.

For the 37% of the US looking at everyone else as if they were nuts, largely the agnostics and atheists, it means to hell with the limit, and don’t limit your kill; right or wrong – no one’s watching.

… and if you’re only now worried about what Saint Peter is going to say, you’re fooked already. Skip purchasing the license entirely, what with only four weekends before the Big Cleansing, a couple more demerits aren’t going to hurt you much.

On the chance you’re sniggering about all this, perhaps you’ll explain the linkage between Brett Favre retiring and why 5000 red winged Blackbirds fell from the heavens. They claim it was a midair collision, but that was to buy time to get the President to Cheyenne Mountain …

We’ll just do away with fishing licenses altogether, as it will be easier to spot poachers

bribeIllinois and California are headed for some out-of-the-box thinking, as both states wrestle with a shortfall representing nearly one quarter of their annual budget.

As we’ve seen before, both Parks and Recreation and Fish & Game never make the list of sacred cows and are forced to suffer the death of a thousand paper cuts. “Make do with less” will be the standard refrain from the Governor’s Office, as raising taxes is deplorable to both parties, as is mixing sanity in with frugality.

Instead, I’d suggest these agencies follow the Russian model of conservation, where anything is possible so long as the kickback is commensurate with the tonnage …

In connection with cash payments made by four Japanese fisheries to Russian border guards to fish walleye pollack in Russia’s exclusive economic zone, executives of other fisheries have told The Yomiuri Shimbun they also have given cash to Russians to fish saury, salmon and trout in Russian waters.

-via Daily Yomiuri Online

After a decade of less cash and even fewer wardens, I propose we allow Fish & Game to sell favors to vacationers and us sporting types so they can generate revenue stream free of the Governor’s grabby mitts.

When the warden pounces on your eight year old from out of the bushes and reads him his rights, you can either have the kid hauled away to hard labor, or make bond by wadding a couple twenties in the warden’s breast pocket. For an extra twenty you can do this just to make sport of the kid, considering he hasn’t listened to you in a fortnight.

Now wardens can craft and recraft the rules as needed to generate additional cash. They can do so with funds earmarked for each watershed, just changes the regulations midseason and watch the coffers swell with donations. Nothing like being all smug knowing it’s single and barbless, and the warden reminding you as of this year it needs to be eyeless as well.

Just to add a little incentive we’ll cut the warden in for 20% of his net take, and funnel the proceeds from the reality show back to the department as well.

They take Mastercard, midstream even.

Steelarsed Trout, thankfully they won’t run far

Steelarsed Trout Now that researchers in Australia have discovered that hatchery trout can be raised in the ocean – with a growth rate three times faster than freshwater, we can all rejoice …

“For trout to reach 2 kg in fresh water would take about two years, but in salt water it is only eight months,” he noted. “If the trout is grown in salt water it is a better tasting animal with better quality flesh.”

-via Fis.com

As consumers, we’re no longer eating pale and flaccid under the guise of trout. They claim the resultant fish has better texture and color, and therefore tastes better.

Now it’ll be pale, flaccid, and salty. Woot.

The inevitable escapees will make a bee line for the local creeks as everything swimming nearby is three times bigger and has sharp teeth, causing a flurry of activity in most of the long dormant tailwaters. All those former steelhead rivers now home to the “steelarsed trout” which lack the muscle mass to heave their bulk past the first pool.

As most of the steelhead water in California is limited to the first bridge, anything above being off limits, they’ll be a silver horde of half-pounders milling about snapping at the brightly colored, intent on building the muscle tone to move upriver …

With us fishermen insisting on being their personal trainer.

Who knew a Mullet had such a flair for showing off

Tossing a trash fish onto the bank is a time honored angling tradition. It’s been frowned on of late, but the Asian carp has brought back the practice along with baseball bats, shoulder pads, and now with easy to clean wading boots with cleats and rubbers soles, we’ve even resurrected the River Dance … of Death.

… because like terrestrial cockroaches, it’s them or us.

It doesn’t jibe well with the Catch & Release ethic we’re so fond of espousing, but clean water and black dots seems to cloud vision making some fish more equal than others …

Special regulations apply to trash fish as well, but many are not bothered by hurling lesser fish to an excruciating death, gasping out their final moments on some hot rock amid boot heels, curses, and giggles.

While I don’t ascribe to the above practice, we’d like to point out that those that do probably throw a baseball like a girl, grunting when they do ..

 

Considering the world’s record is an astounding 196 feet, the only question is whether that record is held by the fish, or by the thrower – or is it a joint venture?

“A very official world master’s record for a mullet,” Bradstock said in an interview with the New York Times.

Bradstock also claims to have hurled an iPod 154 yards, a mobile phone 132 yards, a soft boiled egg 118 yards, a football 82 yards and a golf ball 180 yards, with all but the mobile phone footage available on his YouTube page.

… and here I thought all tournament fish were released gently.

The Marlboro Man does Catfight

Once the fishermen find out it’s an island they’ll scatter to the four winds hoping they can scrounge some old monofilament and feed the less fortunate members of the tribe. Once they see the size of the local Bonefish they’ll insist on Catch & Release – or some form of ultra-purism – which’ll piss off the camera crew and producer, who’ll trade an off camera Bologna sandwich to the swing vote – sending Mr. Fisherman packing …

My money is on the hunters. Fishermen are wound too tight and lack the social niceties to survive the group scene. They’ll skip the all important backstabbing alliances; “I’ll give you my last pair of dry socks if you vote for Betty” whispered at the council fire, and then disappear for hours when they should be doing tribal chores.

You knew they would do it

Another in a long line of trashy reality shows, pitting 12 outdoorsy types against insurmountable hardships like; running out of shampoo,  not wearing a cowboy hat, throwing a temper tantrum at a Chevron vending machine,  keeping a Boy Scout Troop pinned down while rifling their foodstuffs, and exposing the lean Marlboro Outdoorsy is prone to fits of childish rage when wearing a grass skirt in mosquito country, without any protective mint Skoal …

“The Ultimate Sportsman” slated to air Thursdays at 10:00AM EST, 2010 on Versus is a premier hunting and fishing reality
TV series. Twelve contestants will have the opportunity to participate in a series of hunting and fishing adventures
throughout North America.

You can apply for the freebie fishing via their website. As a film of yourself is involved, you may want to practice that steely grimace – where you discover salmon eggs are mixed with your JuJuBee’s …

It’s plain these fellows don’t know the difference and don’t care to know.

13) If you were going to be in People magazine, what inside info about you would be put up next to your picture?

17) List your past experiences with hunting and fishing. If you have no past experience with hunting or fishing then explain your
intentions for wanting to be introduced to the sport of hunting
and fishing!

… and don’t really care, they’re mining ratings and are desperately seeking drama queens in camoflage. I think they’re hoping someone will respond as below:

Hunting and fishing seems like a lot of fun, but I actually prefer running around a darkened campsite brandishing sharp objects and wearing a hockey mask.

Throw in some poor sport blowing daylight through a doe, and two fellows caught stuffing lead shot down a trout’s gullet – and it’s pure ratings gold.

First you take a deep fried potato skin then coat the bottom with styrofoam …

With all the recent furor over genetically modified fish, most have forgotten that the first commercially modified fish, the GloFish, was sold to kids as an techno-Goldfish …

Back then there were no pickets nor angry protestors. Fishermen didn’t see the genetically modified fish as much of a threat, largely as their kids were too busy hugging the adorable little tyke …

Big Arsed Goldfish

But like all pets eventually someone tires of something, and flushes it down the commode …

… where it isn’t so adorable – now that it’s developed a taste for children.

Cannabis to save the Pacific Salmon

Golden Gate Park 2011, we're bringing back the "Be in" I’d always assumed I was fortunate being raised in the Haight-Ashbury during the ‘60’s. Exposed to different ideas, religions, and a litany of self proclaimed holy men. Now I find out the old neighborhood has been classified as a “part of the World.”

Meaning this world. For most of two decades it was unknown which planet rotated nearby, and which Galaxy was the better question …

Today, there are still parts of the world that rely on Cannabis stalks as a primary fiber, mainly because of its ability to grow “like a weed,” without requiring lots of water, fertilizers, or high-grade inputs to flourish. But the seeds, which house the plant’s natural oils, are often discarded. Parnas points out that this apparent waste product could be put to good use by turning it into fuel.

Now when I visit the folks, instead of fellows rushing the intersection to wash my window for spare change, they’ll be huffing the exhaust and causing my car to stall.

With the election a short month distant, California has the potential to piss all over J. Edgar’s memory with the legal morass that’ll come with legalization. It could be a Second Gold Rush – with the pharmaceutical industry claiming all the acres North of Sacramento, and Exxon claiming everything South …

Eureka, Dude.

The hemp biodiesel showed a high efficiency of conversion – 97 percent of the hemp oil was converted to biodiesel – and it passed all the laboratory’s tests, even showing properties that suggest it could be used at lower temperatures than any biodiesel currently on the market.

If it doesn’t need the water of the current vascular crops and all those orange groves, might it be the salvation of the Pacific Salmon, or will Los Angeles merely annex most of Arizona for a parking garage?

As for other industries that utilize Cannabis plants, Parnas makes a clear distinction between industrial hemp, which contains less than 1 percent psychoactive chemicals in its flowers, and some of its cousins, which contain up to 22 percent. “This stuff,” he points out, “won’t get you high.”

– via PhysOrg

Want to bet? An entire generation thought dried banana peels were an e-ticket to Utopia. They’re all bankers, lawyers, and hedge fund managers at the moment, but they’ll just use a bigger pipe this time.