Category Archives: humor

The fly fishing will be better now that you’re gone

This weekend I’ll be painting Didymo on them rocks with a spatula.

I’ll be the fellow whose 4 X 4 axles will be glowing white hot as I mash my way through cottonwoods and willows and into your favorite pool – there to dismount the smoking wreck while it dribbles petroleum products into the Pristine.

… and all of my flies will be tied on treble hooks.

Just a reminder that this weekend you can toss all that nose-inna-air bologna while you’re laying waste to whatever flavor of Sweet you’ve  felt threatened by … As Ms. Claudette mentions so eloquently below, everything’s peachy if you can catch a church service sometime before Saturday …

… and if you aren’t a Good Christian like me and the rest of my yellow eJournalist pals, we’ll be taking our chances with Cletus, his 4X4, and a couple icy 24 packs of Go-Girl.

We’ll be pounding your favorite riffle with “Dagwood” sandwiches made of Triscuits and alternating layers of cream cheese and Bighead Carp roe.

Suck it, wimps.

It’s okay for us trained professionals however

 Delicious and Relaxing

I figure the claim should bea delicious and relaxing way to alter your graphite casting stroke to the pace of fiberglass and bamboo.” All the rest is just window-treatment to make the kiddies think they’re scoring a baggie absent the stern gaze of John Law.

Kids, these are your arteries …

artery

… and these are your arteries after Mary Jane’s brownies fights for your immortal soul and your LDL – and your thighs rub together when you walk …

Brownies done it

Only in California …

How many can you produce a year, and how painful is the extraction?

Sure I get death threats, and when I mentioned household pets there was a brief spike over the weekly contingent of, “if you tell them about Lake X, or stream Y, or if your shadow darkens my refrigerator ever again, I’ll  …”

I was unfazed at the outpouring of hatred when I claimed the household tabby was a disgusting invasive and why Jihad was necessary. Most of the email was scented, so I’d obviously touched a nerve somewhere.

Now that some lass is making jewelry out of cat fur and it’s going viral,  sending every female cat lover screaming to purchase them by the gross, I’ve got an even better idea …

Cat fur necklace

Let’s make hair extensions out of them

Fly tying materials that grow on trees

I thought of it as answering one of many questions I’ve always had about watersheds and how soon they recovered from obvious trauma.

Travelwriter had spied some rising fish in a stretch of the river that was normally bone dry this time of year. Adding 170% more water to the stream means the farming community can’t suck it all down, and would as soon avoid doing so given the mattress springs, dead bodies, late model stolen-everything – all of which is tumbling in the current, surely to foul pumps and pipes alike.

Huff's Corner at 40-50 feet

BEFORE

That additional volume makes banks vanish, holes get created, and sandbars move miles overnight. Understanding who survived all that carnage would fill a big hole in my understanding of floods, fish, and who wins what …

Huff's Corner post flood

AFTER

Note the shrubs, trees, and grasses are completely vanished off the right side of the creek, leaving only a single innocent looking tree that isn’t quite as innocent as it would seem … as I found out later …

The water was about 40-50 feet deep here a couple weeks ago, now it’s only a foot to 18 inches in most spots.

I went down the next evening to investigate, as I skeptical of “mystery rings” and whether anything could have survived given the above circumstances …

Pikeminnow survives Tsunami

The stretch had become repopulated with about a dozen 4-6 inch Pikeminnow. Last season, the second since water was restored, the Pikeminnow fry had grown to three inches in length. The length of these suggests they’re second year fish.

Making these survivors of two massive earth moving floods (last year was wet too) I’d guess these fish survive by staying near the bank – despite the bank being a hundred yards from its historical norm.

I managed to land three or four fish – all similarly apportioned and nary a mark for their ordeal. 

Unfortunately they’ve survived only to die due to evaporation – which will start shortly. I may bring down a bucket and relocate what I can catch –  the creek is still starved of citizens and I don’t mind getting dirty. I’ll call it “Pee You” for Pikeminnow Unlimited – as I’m the only SOB willing to stick my neck out for a cockroach …

As I was there for a scienctific purposes, I hunkered down largely oblivious to my surroundings. I’m tossing cottonseed dander imitations and small nymphs into a small, deep hole in the wide part of the bend.

After pulling three or four fish out of  it’s depths I’m satisfied they’re all Pikeminnow, so I ease down the bank into the shallows below just to see if there’s any other activity .

The wind shifts abruptly and I get a faceful of meat decay. It’s close and I’m thinking big animal, yet dreading turning around and finding someone’s kid wedged in the crotch of a tree, victim of some upstream flooding accident.

I’m backpedaling while attempting to hold down the evening meal – all the while scanning the riverbank, underbrush, and everything else nearby, and nothing.

rotting_turkey

I ease around the tree and find Big Bird, the wiliest of all Mother Nature’s game birds, slammed into a fork of the tree at speed, and becoming more fragrant by the moment.

Naturally a moment of introspection was needed, especially as the little Angel on my shoulder was in heated debate with the little devil on the other …

The little angel claimed, “Dude, forget the bragging points, your girl is arriving tomorrow and the use of refrigerator or any other storage on your premises is completely out of the question!”

The little Devil snorted in contempt, “Dude, call yourself a Man? Don’t think of the rotting and swollen beached seal you cut too deeply, this time you’ll be able to get the stink out of your clothes easy, by tomorrow even!”

… just the thought of the rotting seal episode was enough, even if I was doing it for Science …

With cutting edge carbon technology

The process wherein you become your father is long, memorable, and completely horrifying. One day you’re dutifully changing your oil at 3000 miles, only to be reminded that no one does that anymore.

… or your painfully enduring some meeting that’s prolonged by the speaker feeling it necessary to answer his smart phone at every ring, holding the balance of the table a yawning captive.

The phone may be smart, but the SOB using it has the IQ of a cucumber.

What was once  the childish wide smile with face pressed against the fly shop glass has become the “Bah, Humbug face”  – worn only because you own everything good already, and the only thing missing is new, which may or may not be good.

Once we broke the fifty-bazillion modulus barrier, we listened patiently to the superlatives and dismissed ownership out of hand, we’d fallen for that lure back when we could achieve modulus at the mere sight of a sale, or just a fistful of red saddle hackle. Now that we’re in our dotage it isn’t cutting edge carbon technology we’re seeking, it’s just a quiet moment on the john.

And if it has a remote, heated seat, hidden bidet, has quadraphonic stereo, and has the suction power of a Death Star’s tractor beam, including all air in the bowl treated by carbon filtration, the price is goddamn academic …

After a lifetime of icy duck blinds, frozen limbs due to prolonged immersion in icy steelhead water, suffering all manners of discomfort and poor sanitation, handfuls of leaves that prove less so, I’d consider dumping six grand on a bonafide engineering marvel.

The touch screen controls may not have been such a good idea, at least not for us fisher-types.

… and spread the Powerbait so thick, there’s probably a platoon of watermelon Gumby’s rolling about the deep water

It’s likely to trigger a most difficult chicken and egg debate, considering us fly fishermen can save a trout stream or save a forest, but we can’t do both …

Recent salmon studies suggest “you are what shades your banks” – and if the surrounding forest isn’t healthy, neither is your fish population.

More insidious than Zebra mussels, more cunning than a middle aged divorcee, and while we gash ourselves over saving the outdoors by eschewing filthy felt wading boots and their porous inserts, our woodlands are being overrun by eyeless and slimy creatures that fly fishermen are sworn to defend …

the lowly earthworm, and we’re all guilty as sin.

image Clean, Dry, and Protect all you want, but it was you that drug them little Styrofoam canisters up to the bank and left them there to reproduce unchecked.

Once you learned to fly fish you got all huffy and resentful at the thought and claimed your hands had never touched the Unclean Thing, but the rest of us are claiming ignorance and we know better. First you unleashed hordes of the Big Assed American Nightcrawler, then after despoiling most of the American West, you trained your kids with them effete Eurotrash skinny types from the liquor store cooler.

… we ain’t going to mention the mountains of Powerbait you left in your wake, that would only be piling on …

Penance is possible only if you wad the butt section of your Boron BIIX into the leafy substrate and affix both leads from your car battery. Stomp everything that moves, then Clean, Dry and lament …

The sure fire way of making friends fishing

The only thing the fly shop can’t stock is that “icebreaker” needed to make the local fishing crowd greet you with open arms. It has to work at distance, so the wading throng clustered tight to the hole sees you and either motions you among them – or generates the en masse exodus, ensuring you’re the focal point for tales of prowess, slow reflexes, and near misses.

Half naked tanned and taut has a better’n average chance of waking the crowd in the fast water, yet giggles have a life span, after which the audience is immune.

The Beer Bike

Then again, the hardship of moving into a new town, a new drainage, and working up the street cred’s to be a member of the inner circle, might be aided somewhat by the Hopworks Beer Bike.

… especially if that’s a couple of large sausage & mushroom catching their death of cold in the rear cargo area.

Don’t act so surprised, you knew they were going to do it

Them girls bought them all, honest! It’s like turning on the living room light to find your dog frozen into immobility as he rearranges that warm dent on your sofa cushion. It’s that same shocked expression that’ll bring a smile to your face as you kick his butt off the soft and fluffy …

There’ll be shock and amazement aplenty when all those fly tiers realize the folks pimping Whiting saddle hackle to women for hair extensions is their local fly shop.

Naturally, Whiting promised their first priority will always be fly tiers and fly shops – and the faddish teenyboppers that wanna-look-like-Miley-Cyrus can all go without (meaning they can lightfinger Poppa’s stash) .

So the fly shops pump their fist along with their customers, as it’s a boy’s life and “no gurls allowed …” – even though them counter-men adore all that taught flesh giggling their way through the upstairs dander.

Now that their supply is assured by Whiting, they’re onto eBay by the bucketload, selling dyed Grizzly hair extensions by the fistful. The Whiting shipment received and hustled into the back room where it’s dismembered into little 5 feather packets and sold for $10 – $15 each on ebay…

… giggle …

…while you mean old men have to do without.

grizzhairebay What’s not so smart is most of them are selling under the shop account, and was I the Whiting Hackle Company I might want to be bring a couple of those vendors up short, as I have enough troubles keeping the fly tying market in feathers without some sharp SOB hoarding all the good saddles in the back room – claiming them damn girls bought it all ..

Just click the Nomad Anglers picture above to see what they’re telling their customers …

The only reason I’m not completely incensed is because the selfsame idea crossed both our temporal lobe about five minutes ago, and you’re suddenly wishing you’d paid more attention to my articles on dyeing.

… and for those shops poised to unload onto the marketplace, don’t use words like “Cree” or “Furnace” to describe your hackle, hair dressers don’t use words like that, dummy.

Traverse City Orvis

Nor is it surprising that I’d find Orvis selling hair extensions to the gals. The seller above appears to be the Traverse City, Michigan Orvis store, called “Streamside Orvis.”

With Opening Day just over a month away, I’d accuse these shops of really poor timing at the minimum. Nothing like a shortage of hackle just when the customer base seeks it most.

Do German trout streams really smell like that?

It may explain why your child is less than interested, after all, exposure to the woods for 12 minutes means the sensational odors are no longer distinguishable from your average alpine slum.

It’s possible that all those high priced woodsy accommodations are only a welcome sight to those whose youth was spent in the woods before they started smelling bad …

Now we’re so used to pre-pasteurized and sterile air from the conditioner, it’s possible we’ve been unable to smell the true countryside for the last decade.

Canned Cow Fart,  is that what the woods smell like now?

Canned cow farts have been a hot seller in Germany, giving the suddenly frugal Deutsche the ability to bring the scent of his favorite trout stream to the doorstep, rather than drive his precision 12 cylinder gas hog to the creek.

Suddenly frugal so long as the banks of Greece, Ireland, and Portugal need another infusion of Euros …