Category Archives: fly fishing humor

Maybe in addition to underachieving they possess small finger skills and great patience

Robert Conrad does Pappy Boyington Naturally I’d rather not dwell on the fact that I was right and you was horribly wrong … actually I would, but I’d exhaust the subject of my presumed greatness in about three seconds.

Just long enough for your next tired exhale …

Now every recruitment drive to enlist them thick-witted kids of yours into the ranks of Outdoorsmen, highlights our collective shortcomings as parents and teachers, as due to our inability to pay down our mortgage, they’re now known as “Generation Stuck.”

What’s so damning is in addition to their feet under your table well into their thirties, you’ve had twice as long to teach them respect for the Woods and fly fishing as your Dad, and whiffed horribly …

But Generation Y has become Generation Why Bother. The Great Recession and the still weak economy make the trend toward risk aversion worse. Children raised during recessions ultimately take fewer risks with their investments and their jobs. Even when the recession passes, they don’t strive as hard to find new jobs, and they hang on to lousy jobs longer.

– via the BusinessInsider.com

… me, I was only thinking we should recruit alternate-lifestyle anglers hoping to spare you the microscope of public opinion and scorn. I recognized that the tone deaf little weasel that shares your name is expert in joysticks, Hellfire missiles, and targeting Toyota trucks filled with insurgents, only he can’t hold down a job long enough to buy his next video game …

Sure. My little funny generated plenty of hushed whispers and death threats, but that Politically Correct Lightning bolt of Death, intent on cleaving me from topknot to breastbone, ain’t going to happen. Political Correctness was invented so you didn’t have to take a stand on any subject at a cocktail party, nor did you have to reveal you’d never read Dickens, Henry James*, and the only Conrad you knew swaggered his way through Baa Baa Black Sheep …

(*yuck)

Massachusetts fishermen get Quantitative Easing, the rest of us don’t

fistful_cash To say I’m a little miffed us Californio’s didn’t make the test group is putting it mildly. Us west coasters still bear a chip on the shoulder as Martha’s Vineyard & “Jaws” stole our sharks, and outside of a secretary that didn’t float and her sodden senator boss, always wondered what Massachusetts had to offer that Connecticut didn’t have …

Bygones being bygones, if the federal government decides to test the value of recreational fishing to Massachusetts residents by offering random license holders a cash settlement in lieu of their fishing license, I shouldn’t complain. In short, the NOAA will pay up to $500 hard cash – if you promise not to wet a line the entire year.

… naturally I pondered that formula and realized us anglers have never seen fishing as a profit-driven tool, given how we learned it was a money-sink by the close of our first lesson …

Yet, ponder the concept … Statistically we go fishing nine times a year, and if we figure the costs for; room ($120), food ($65), gas ($120), tippet ($15), and obligatory dozen flies ($24), plus that extra ____ ($150) we bought that the wife doesn’t know about, our season is about $4500 per year.

Instead of that marriage-damaging debt-burden you get a handful of crisp new Benjamin Franklins to make a mortgage payment …

… which by my calculations is a tenfold return on your investment.

I’ll confess the topic had me wondering what my magic number would be, and in light of my jiffo-whip math above, how I might package that into a Pied-Piper pitch reminiscent of Bernie Madoff.  I could jettison the scissor business for financial counseling to bait fishermen, who we’ve always suspected of being weak-minded and therefore impressionable ..

That’s when I realized us Californian’s weren’t ask to participate because our numbers would astronomically high, and adjusted for inflation – and while our real estate might have tanked, our downfall was how our imagined collective self worth was in excess of the Federal Reserve …

An overlooked market of high net worth sports, eager to tackle both long rod and the environment?

ymca2 The Board of Directors hunkers over a table insisting someone, typically not there to defend themselves, is appointed to the Recruitment Committee chair, whose mission will be to swell an aging membership with new blood.

In uninspired fashion, that poor soul looks for a couple of kids with an attention span long enough to get really bored, so thirty-seven old guys can lecture them on the proper way to hold their wrist.

Neatly removing “fun” from the proceedings, and ensuring the time spent with youth is completely unsuccessful, given that kids hate lectures – as do those of us tasked with delivering a stilted and balky sermon to an uncaring audience …

Kids are not interested in being around their parents, most are no longer drawn to the out of doors, nor do they seek the company of adults that really could care less – but feel obligated to pass onto them something that was passed to them by even older guys.

It’s time we thought outside the box …

Instead of kids, let’s take a cue from the North Dakota tourism bureau and recruit the gay angler.

Though the plan is still in its early stages, the bureau hopes to tap into the $70 billion market generated by the gay community.

The market is so big that websites like Orbitz and Travelocity have dedicated gay travel sections, and the visitor’s bureau wants to take advantage of that huge market.

Wait, Stop! … hear me out on this one …

Firstly, with all the clothing manufacturers jettisoning olive drab, tan, and the muted tones in favor of shirts, waders, and fishing vests of Marigold, Puce, Cinnamon, and Bubblegum, we’ve got a better uniform than grubby Dakotan Oil frackers …

Our Montana guides, He-Men all, wipe big handlebar mustaches on plaid sleeves, wearing bigger cowboy hats complete with real sweat stains, and could comprise the visual equivalent of Fleet Week to our gentler brethren, and we could increase that 70 Billion with fly shop pinups, calendars, and even some sell some Sage Hoodies, so long as we cut the sleeves off and make them more of a muscle-tee look.

… think muy malo … only hunkier.

The gay community has the proper monetary demographic, is well educated, and possesses the refined sensibilities to understand the innate beauty of the bamboo rod, the well tied fly, or the rakish cut to your waders …

As Outdoorsmen they would likely be cleaner than our unkempt variant, eager to embrace environmental issues, and likely would see scattered beer cans as unsightly, not hesitating to pack them out as we would.

… more importantly, they would add much needed intelligence quotient to our parking lot small talk, to fly shop staff, and add that smartly appointed, much needed professionalism to wader selection …

“ … excuse me, Sir, do you dress to the left, or to the right? …”

It’s said that politics makes strange bedfellows, this being an election year with the environment destined to lose to whatever creates jobs fastest, can we afford to overlook any articulate, passionate, and monied group of voters?

It’s time we overlooked our differences … Sweetpea …

Sure you can handle the pain, but what about the fish?

pissing The Good News is what we’re pissing into the creek isn’t killing fish outright, rather all that runoff from wastewater treatment containing our prescribed anti-anxiety, lowered cholesterol, blood- thinning stimulants, merely make them giggle watching Mom struggle with a faceful of your artificial …

In the current study, the shelter-seeking behavior of fathead minnows was monitored under laboratory conditions for 28 days using digital tracking software to diagnose abnormal behavior while they were exposed to sertraline, which is used to treat depression, panic attacks and other disorders. Sertraline concentrations and lighting conditions significantly affected the time that the minnows spent in a sheltered area.

During dark conditions, sertraline-exposed fish spent approximately 67 to 78 percent of the time that control fish spent in the shelter. During light intervals, fish exposed to sertraline spent between 18 and 42 percent less time in the shelters.

"The shelter was the only dark area during light conditions in the observation tanks; therefore, control fish apparently retreated to the shelter to reduce anxiety, whereas fish exposed to sertraline appeared to display reduced anxiety and did not exhibit this behavior," Brooks said.

– via PhysOrg.com

… which is a big relief for us anglers, given how much we care about our quarry and the fight triggered by us forcing steel through a lower jaw. They can feel good so long as they continue to struggle and peel line …

Now that science has shown that drugs act on fish similar to their effect on humans, we might as well make them eat longer and remain exposed to predation.

It used to be a can opener and tuna fish or creamed corn we chummed with – now it’ll be left over Lithium, or expired pain pills. Some enterprising fellow at TU is probably already negotiating with the DEA to flush a freighter-load of Coca powder down the Illinois River, solving the Asian Carp issue in process.

Time lapsed with conspicuous over saturation

There’s been a curious absence of fish-related anything for the last month or so. I knew that you knew, but was afraid to broach the subject in case you didn’t …

one_fish_breaks_skunk

That’s because guys that write about fishing prefer the notion they’re expert anglers, predators even … the woods and its many inhabitants tremble at our approach …

Nothing could be further from the truth. We encourage our readers to assume that anyone that writes anything knows more than most, and if their prose is stilted and poorly punctuated, they’re expert on any outdoor topic including drinking.

Our editorial license permits we neither correct your erroneous assumptions, nor mention important details like, “…being  got&%$)! skunked”, in favor of a time-lapsed blizzard of overly saturated wild flowers …

Above is the rare Tomato Poppy, the first of Spring …

It cost me two pants legs of icy water, the catastrophic failure of both legs of my hip boots, and was worth every swear word uttered, plus the follow on scratching I did to ease those welts the exposure to Metam-Sodium raised …

Saving critical watersheds … a quarter at a time

WhacAMussel While ecologists lament the uninspiring, “Clean, Dry, and Inspect” message, and its inability to keep us awake, they’ve commissioned something more to the tastes of us natural born killers by opting for a video game to deliver that critical rush of adrenaline, that “them or us” message …

I’d always thought there were too many syllables in the “clean and dry” part to resonate with real sportsmen.

Figure the published mean for fly fishermen being 51, the only real risk is us having to surrender our driver’s license soon – video games and adrenaline sports being something we gave up with our real teeth.

With the power of damn lies and statistics on our side, it suggests we are guiltless in the spread of invasive anything, as only boat owners still have reflexes, and therefore must be the guilty party …

"Invasive species education is critical," said Teeg Stouffer, Recycled Fish Executive Director. "But it can be kind of dry and boring. Just say the words ‘Invasive Species Education’ to people and watch their eyes glaze over. This is a learning tool that is fun, dynamic, engaging and interactive – it cuts through the clutter. We’re excited to introduce Whac-A-Mussel at the BASSMASTER Classic!"

– via the Fishing Wire

… proving all them massively overpowered bass lunatics with their blown V-8’s done it, as everyone knows that protruding Lucite lip on their crankbaits are a mating hotbed for invasives …

Guys that know bugs, scarce supply, large demand

You getting it right and me getting it all wrong, followed by a profuse apology on my part, is getting to be a painful habit around here. Naturally, I’ll admit to nothing other than you’ve been incredibly lucky to date – and society is backing your horse only by purest chance.

This time I was a bit hasty suggesting that hotties of the sub-25 ilk that adore draping themselves semi-clad on a hot rock in mid trout stream, think of sweaty, balding, or portly fly fishermen intruding upon their private and super-sweaty sunbathing sessions – regard us with the same loathing as cellulite …

… I was wrong.

Girls, especially the bronzed and toned super-hawtn3ss, adore men that know bugs. Especially those that can count after running out of fingers, are willing to exploit acres of taut and heaving – made vulnerable by male pheromones of those able to quote Latin or Shakespeare, assuming it was Shakespeare that invented Mountain Dew …

The tarantula lucite, perfect outer wear for today's outdoorsy tomboy

… and assuming your lack of shower and preponderance of bug spray you’ve slathered on yourself as a substitute for hygiene, allows those self same pheromones to exude themselves …

All they’ll remember is the flash of the bulb and your fresh breath

While you were giggling at my Wintergreen-Spearmint fly floatant and head cement, making me the butt of parking lot humor, you may want to know why – so you can backpedal frantically …

There are a number of compounds that can be used to effectively sedate fishes, including compounds commonly found in human foods (e.g., eugenol and similar compounds found in clove, wintergreen, spearmint and other essential oils) and over-the-counter oral pain relievers (e.g., benzocaine).

-via the American Fisheries Society

The first couple of casts disperses precious oils into the current above my quarry, soothing that rush of “fight or flight” endorphins my pear shaped shadow and thunderous feet have invoked.  Depending on size and depth, a couple lifesavers plunked into the fast water above ensures everything below enjoys complete serenity as they lift off the bottom to inhale my artificial with obvious relish …

Doublemint

Over time recreational use gives way to addiction, and a stick of Doublemint and the saliva lingering on your clinch knot brings anything of heft upstream at a fast trot.

Just don’t mention it to your kid, he’s still willing to smoke anything.

Fly Fishermen, there’s one born every minute

It should come as no surprise that despite my antisocial behavior – my fondness for bathroom humor, my shortcomings of hygiene and as an angler, I am a middle manager of little distinction.

While my peers are hiring sub-20 year olds that giggle a lot and show acres of leg, I’m the curmudgeonly sort that violates all the important federal statutes on hiring and discrimination by selecting anglers only …

…

Question 7) List the fourteen steps of the Software Development Lifecycle in alphabetical order, backwards and in Klingon, or the classic dressing for an Ausable Wulff.

Question 8) Where do you see yourself in five years, and if there are big fish there, would you tell me?

…

Mostly because world dominance starts with a steady job, and the only employees instinctively punctual are fishermen.

… because you don’t tell a fellow you’ll pick him up on some darkened street corner at 0530 and arrive late …

As with all my new hires there’s that rough patch where we get from angler to f-l-y  f-i-s-h-e-r-m-a-n. Not because I’m some kind of evangelical prick – so much as we can communicate fully. Both of us can use the same language, one of naked greed and accumulation.

So I’m delivering The Sermon, “… you won’t mind that rods cost a thousand dollars and waders are eight hundred … “ – when I’m brutally interrupted by a look of outright scorn and that 80’s standby, “…whatchoo talking bout, Willis!”

I realize that it’s not simply sticker shock, my new pal has already been introduced to the snooty form of fly fishing and been sorely used. Ascots, smoking jackets, and someone that insisted all other forms of fishing were unworthy.

To overcome this additional fear I’ll need to adopt that extra-soothing quality in my voice – that silky tone that has you checking your wallet and hindquarters for fear someone has his hand there …

“ … and flies are about the same as top-water plugs or swim baits, and all the really good bass fodder like Scented Flame-tailed Purple worms with the Gelatinous sparkly stuff have a fly fishing equivalent …”

And as my newfound pal is lulled into thoughts of warmth and safety, he mentions that along with his new Bass kayak he’s bought, he  just plunked down fifty bucks for an airbrushed, broken-back rainbow trout plug that he hasn’t dared try because he’s scared he might snag something and lose it …

Black_Dog_baits

Which throws me into a fit of cost-concious outrage, “Fifty Bucks, FIFTY BUCKS? forasinglefugginbassPLUG? Fifty gotdamned dollars for six ounces of balsa and a few Korean trebles?, OhMyFugginGawd, that’s simply insane – does your wife know about that (and does she have a sister that’s equally gullible?)…”

Which simply proves any perceived gulf between types of fishermen is utter BS, there’s one of us born every minute.

There was no badge for lippy kids bent on time wasting or sloth

A brief article in some Fishing Wire spam caught my eye and I thought to pass on the tidbit for any proud father whose child might be planning on achieving their Fly Fishing Scout badge.

A cursory eyeball of the exam suggests fewer than half of the anglers I know would pass it, given there’s no section devoted to beer drinking or how to tell falsehoods. “Proud Papa” might have to bone up on some topics ancillary to fishing, and mighty damn quick …flyfish_safety

Then again, some canny lawyer’s son might have a thing or two to say that might update the exercise, but with a couple grizzled scout leaders staring me down, I’d cave and opt for the expected answer myself.

As you may have guessed, my struggles with authority as a young lad precluded my taking part.