Category Archives: fly fishing humor

Hisself admits frailty, acknowledges the ravages of Time and resolves to be meaner

rice2 I remember calling the announcer a “know-nothing boob” when he claimed Jerry Rice had “lost a step.” Those were fighting words, inferring the world’s greatest wide receiver from the world’s best-est NFL team was somehow mortal…

Forgive my obvious “homer-ism” – there are other NFL franchises, but with the home team employing both Joe Montana and Jerry Rice the late 80’s and early 90’s were mostly a coronation rather than a contest.

Fly anglers are athletes only most of us don’t see it that way. Our contracts cover “love and cherish” and a lifetime of lawn mowing, and when the “head coach” tells us to come off the couch – we do so with all haste and don’t twitter our distaste for her play calling …

I’ve been wrestling with this notion all season, coming to grips with the fact that I’ve lost a step. It’s painful to admit and I’ve blamed all manner of external entities, but the plain truth is age is starting to show itself.

Mortality is a rude awakening, some find it early via cataclysmic event – but the rest of us feel like we’re in high school for forty years and then suddenly we’re not.

At 46 my lifelong 20-20 vision started to deteriorate. A visit to the ophthalmologist yielded a gleeful diagnosis of “old guy” Presbyopia, and nothing to be done about it. It meant reading glasses for fly tying, as I had trouble resolving small flies and hackles, and it meant glasses for knot tying while fishing – as I could no longer thread monofilament through the eye.

It meant that if the glasses were lost or broken, my fishing was done. The last 45 minutes of dusk – the Holy Time – when fish get careless and bugs grew dense – was now 35 minutes of swearing while trying to tie on the right fly, then finding I could no longer see it when it landed.

… and Shad meant healing between trips. All those broken fingers suffered in youth, and both thumbs broken while salt water fishing, have reawakened like some dormant volcano – reminding me of every youthful lapse in judgment.

The heavy rods with Ultra-fine, Half wells, Cigar, or Reverse half Wells, now are passed over in favor of the Full Wells grip, which seems to give better purchase and requires less finger pressure to keep the rod from rotating.

Throwing a Type VI head is always arduous. One or more roll casts to get it onto the surface, one or more false casts to position the running knot outside the guides, and then flung with great vigor.

Pop calls it “economy of motion” – where you start to favor a body part and refine the casting stroke to minimize repetition. I can still go all day, but this season taught me to use one roll cast, one positioning cast, and toss. Distance is unaffected, this is the cast you should have been using all along, the cast the rod’s taper was designed to deliver and only youthful ardor and invulnerability prevented you from learning it.

In addition to the reading glasses, we’ve added water and sugar. I’ve always been in good walking shape and trips start at the parking lot, with multiple miles of upstream or downstream before thinking of returning.

A couple liters of water and a snack bar have replaced the beer and a sandwich. Most of my local watershed is blazing hot and the refractive heat from sandy stretches coupled with the humidity of the creek can take the starch out of your stride long before the car is visible.

The forced march through the burning sands has been tempered by wisdom. We can still do the full frontal assault, but a spot of shade and some water makes it much more comfortable.

A Park Bench in our future? We’ve added glasses, hydration, and a fart bar to the vest – three more items we can forget in the pre-dawn flurry of fly boxes, tippet and other essentials.

But it’s the melancholy that makes “losing a step” so difficult. You know that another decade and you may not be fishing alone anymore, the decade after, fishing may be limited to the parking area, and in the decade that follows fishing may be a sunny park bench at the casting club – where you rub aching stuff and tell fish stories with other fellows in similar circumstance.

… all the while keeping a fatherly eye on the youthful know-nothings unable to keep a defined loop aloft, knowing your impatience with their casting stems from your inability to wade steadily, or rock-hop some small creek to show the lad how it’s really done.

You shake your head when he applies additional force to the cast which makes the tailing loop worse, and unable to suffer further you straighten off the bench to walk out to the fellow – enduring his glare of resentment when you offer to assist.

I suppose I was the same way when those old guys approached me. I knew everything already, despite only being 12.

I can dump a few extra pounds to regain a short burst of squandered youth, but a couple years later even that won’t be enough and I’ll submit reluctantly to the ravages of Time.

The silver lining has to be passing on all that knowledge – learned painfully at the cost of self – to some scowling young prick that will only learn its value a couple decades later when he faces what I faced.

Those that tie flies will blink through thickening spectacles and continue their craft with renewed passion, as it preserves the connection to the sport despite age or frailty.

… and pressing six or seven flies into the hands of some youngster – whose eyes grow as big as silver dollars may be a suitable surrogate for using them yourself.

I’m toying with going out messy like Brett Favre. I’ll be the bane of the orthopedic surgeon insisting he replace stiffened tendons with sheep embryo injections or stem cells.

Some innocent fellow will be tromping through the woods and stumble across my prone form at water’s edge, and when he checks for a pulse I’ll startle him by croaking out a string of obscenities, “get your goddamn hands off’n me you lummox, and tell me whether that big Brown is still there despite your big assed feet …”

That’s the Gold Lining, being a mean old SOB for the last couple of fortnights …

Tags: Old guys, fly fishing, lost a step, mortality, Brett Favre, Jerry Rice, Joe Montana, mean SOB, casting club, impatient youth, economy of motion, retired athlete, sheep embryo, hydration pack,

I always seem to flirt with the terrorism label

The bullet holes attest to strict security I managed to eke one last trip out of the old waders – and with one set on backorder, I was just lucky I opted for the “chemical resistant” flavor on the second pair. No camouflage this time, just the ninja-esque black boots famous for cleaning overflowing toilets and oil spills.

Now I just need gloves to match.

Black will come in handy now that I know I’m standing on a 16” pipe bursting with Kerosene.

Peeking over the levee yielded the above warning, and I was sure some trigger happy airman in a Humvee was in my immediate future. It’s times like this you think about the Tungsten beads you ordered from mainland China, and the Jungle Cock you scored from Pakistan …

… and you wonder whether that cranked telephone attached to your testicles will hurt a lot – especially when you’re cuffed to a metal box spring and soaked with water.

Why didn’t I just buy them from Dan Bailey?

Brownline Shower facility I’m staying at the bottom of the trench frantically throwing “L” shaped casts as the wind is blowing much too hard for flies. I figure after a hundred yards I might get lucky and snake a few fish to the bank, which will give me a clue what calls this home.

Standing on a greasy mud spine throwing crayfish is much less fun when a squadron of fast-movers pull high-G above your head. I frantically try to find purchase knowing they’ll get “tone” on the second pass.

Bad enough that I can’t control the flight of the flies I’m using – much less dodge Sparrows while moonwalking around muskrat holes. Wisdom overcame fish lust and I sought terra firma.

Gale force winds and fast movers interrupt fishing I was tempted briefly by the Brownline Shower facility above, no soap needed and undressing optional. It’s the drain from an unknown number of cornfields making it rich in precious nutrients, so precious they’re sprayed from planes rather than found in the soil.

The head would build to the size of a small car and the wind would tear it free and send it aloft. Once it crested the levee the wind would shatter it into a thousand pieces and the process began anew.

I christened it the Popcorn Geyser – something to torment fishing buddies with…

OK, there’s some really big fish on this stretch, I want you to stand right here and …”

Blanked again. Three trips, two called by wind and the third by low water. I suppose I should’ve taken my cue from the wind farm just down the road.

Tags: Solano County irrigation district, brownliners, fly fishing, crayfish, mudbugs, fast movers, waders, Tungsten beads, Jungle Cock

California water districts consider cage match between Quagga Mussel and Black Carp, winner to get citizenship

In an earlier post I’d made a joking reference to the next great gamefish being the common carp. Assuming plenty naturally; the continual destruction of the pristine water via human interaction, global warming, acid rain, and all other ills.

That theory may have more legs than first imagined.

Of greatest concern to states, water districts, and the populations they supply is the Quagga Mussel, whose prolific reproduction clogs pipes, pumps, and all that precious infrastructure that takes water from its source and out your tap.

These same entities are less concerned about environmental issues, fish populations, or what it does to your moored boat – they’ve got a full plate serving up an incompressible liquid to a burgeoning population.

With California in the grip of a 26 Billion dollar deficit (this year) and the potential for many more lean years ahead, everyone is frantically searching for something that will repel the little beasties and keep the water moving to the desert.

The state Department of Food and Agriculture has added quaggas to checklists at inspection stations. Since the first find in Lake Mead, 249,000 boats, canoes and kayaks have been stopped in California. Of those, 21,728 were drained and dried after evidence of mussels were detected. Nearly 400 have been quarantined.

Little wonder that the issue is growing with great ferocity, as nearly 10% of the recreational boats inspected are coming up “dirty.”

Of particular interest to us fishermen is the option of introducing a second invasive species to eat the first. Apparently the Black Carp is a voracious eater of the Quagga (as is the Red-Eared Sunfish), and a last ditch option may be to introduce Carp to the water supply.

I assume they’ll be sterilized triploids or something similar, but I’m not so sure:

Introducing carp to eat the sharp-shelled quaggas has not met with similar zeal. Still, Steve Robbins, general manager of the Coachella Valley Water District, sees value in allowing black carp to be used if the state’s power and water delivery system is overrun.

“I haven’t dropped the idea,” Robbins said. “We’re being successful right now. But if we weren’t successful” the district could seek a permit to use carp.

Nibling said some other species make meals of quaggas, such as the bottom-feeding redear sunfish.

“A number of fish eat quaggas,” he said. “The problem is they can’t eat enough.”

That’s great news for us fellows that aren’t timid about our admiration for Carp as a gamefish – but does bring some really interesting questions to the fore…

You’ve got a “Quagga Lawnmower” in the Black Carp, but you’ll probably need a sustainable (or growing) population of carp to diminish the growing population of mussels. Planting them as juveniles will cause all those monstrous White and Largemouth Bass to gorge themselves, which will piss off the water district manager (who really isn’t interested in the fisheries angle) – so in addition to suing the State of California for not delivering all the water they need to save Salmon, he’ll be suing the State again as those fat Southern California Largemouth are dining on regiments of his Quagga shock troops…

Theoretical Model of Black Carp Distribution

… and then the US Fish and Wildlife Service sues him for introducing an fertile invasive – with the potential for destroying most of the East Coast.

Water politics and “who ate whom” is liable to convert “fish bums” to the legal profession, as lawyers will spend more time on the water than the rest of us combined.

The good news (if any) is us apocalyptic brownliner’s will be plying our craft at every stop of the California Aqueduct, touting the merits of one Carp species over the other – until we’re recognized as a tangible threat, then we’ll join the long list of defendants summoned to the docket on a trumped up terrorism charge…

… as the Lockerbie Bomber only got eight years, we’ll be defiant as always.

The down side is that just as they clap the manacles on us – some fellow will boat the new World Record Largemouth Bass – weighing 63 pounds, and while incarcerated – and mindful of our posterior, we’ll miss out on the Great SoCal Largemouth Shootout. Southern California becoming the New West Yellowstone, drawing anglers and tournaments – lured by the prospect of lazy bloated fish barely able to tread water.

Cash prizes courtesy of the Water Districts, naturally …

Tags: Brownliner, Black Carp, Quagga Mussel, Lockerbie Bomber, West Yellowstone, California Aqueduct, largemouth bass, red eared sunfish, fish bums, Fish and Wildlife, bass tournament, Coachella Valley Water District, U.S. Bureau of Reclamation, lawyers, California water politics

Fresh from a town hall debacle, Obama may have been a bit sensitive

The press made short work of our president’s trip to the piney woods. While the political pundits battle each other over details and implications on the national stage –  the question foremost on our lips is, “whose rod, and what fly did he use?”

A relative in the NSA isn’t always a bad thing, especially when I get to SCOOP the entire angling world and reveal the flies the President used – and the current location of the guide that recommended them …

As the papers relayed, President Obama was merely introduced to fly fishing and not a practiced angler. The outfitter supplied most of the flies and included a couple eye catching local variants along with the usual drab Montana lot.

Goldman_Sachs_Fly1

Everything was fine until the President lined a really large fish and while waiting for the water to “cool,” inquired about entomology and how flies represented the various aquatic insects flitting about…

Apparently the Secret Service screened for outright hostiles and Republicans – but missed humorists in their profiling.  The brief dissertation on fly names and entomology earned His Saltiness a double escort to Marine One – with only the President emerging when it touched down near Old Faithful.

The guide is still unaccounted for – but sources tell me that Guantanamo received a shackled prisoner, whose face was shielded by an iron mask. An uncanny resemblance to dumbass, er .. Dumas

The “Golden Sachs” was sketched on a rumpled napkin, and thrust under my doorway in a plain envelope. A hasty inscription mentioned the President stung two smallish fish before connecting the name with recent events.

201K

Fishing the reduced dressing of the “401K” likely went over with  a thud. I would’ve mentioned its rare hooking capabilities and drawn attention to a local flavor of Lepidoptera with long spindly legs…

… anything to avoid the steely grasp of unsmiling brutes.

What does the most powerful man in the Western Hemisphere wave in anger? Only the most popular rod ever invented, a Shakespeare UglyStik, 8’6” for a #6 line.

But you guessed that one already.

(Full Disclosure: I am a life long Democrat – and completely unapologetic.)

Tags: Obama fishing, President fishes in Montana, Golden Sachs, reduced 401K, Man in the Iron Mask, Alexandre Dumas, Montana outfitter, Shakespeare UglyStik, Secret Service, Marine One, Old Faithful

Bandals, the next great stride in outdoor wading gear

While the crowd eschews felt soles and impresses each other insisting, “I wore rubber back when rubber wasn’t cool “ – note we’ve gone back to the drawing board to re-invent “no-tech” wading…

Gone are those silly laces that neatly strain invasives into your uppers, ditto for the lace eyelet area that traps all the critters, and we’ve reengineered the felt sole to dry faster and grip better with the debut of the Bruce Lee Kung Fu® “Fast Drying Featherweight Sole.” The special Fast Drain© Open Toe design allows you to leave the little bastards where they found you, rather than hosting unwanted hitchhikers.

SB_Wading_Shoe

It beats conventional hi-tech, hi-cost wading shoes as they lack the light weight and positive adhesion offered by the Kung Fu® gripping surface, and are conspicuously absent the deft accent of alloy buckle and fetching faux-leather strapping system.

Mine are so comfortable I wear them around the house – and judging by the many looks received from passing motorists, I’d say these will rival Crocs as the next great stride in outdoors chic.

Big unkempt knobby toes not included.

Tags: Bandals, Crocs, wading shoes, felt soles, Kung Fu, Bruce Lee,

Nuke them from orbit, Willy-boy!

I’ve always been jealous of the really good social issues, having some neo-Jesus like Bono or Sting whispering in the President’s ear is guaranteed to fast track aid to the starving millions in [insert_name_here].

Us fishermen have endured the conspicuous lack of Tier 1 entertainment talent advancing our issues with heads of state, or immortalizing us in the lyrics of a tune that’ll haunt us from tinny elevator speakers – whose instrumentals follow us down the vegetable aisle.

It’s why we can’t get our agenda past the wooden-faced secretary – and we’re carted out screaming before the network news arrives.

All that’s changed now.

Fresh from saving the entire human race, and specifically saving the planet courtesy of a stymied fish god, we’ve got the porcine William Shatner chatting up prime ministers to save the last six or eight Pacific salmon.

Kirk and Salmon 

Eat your heart out hunters, all you can muster is Ted Nugent

Mr. Shatner has petitioned the Canadian government to remove all the salmon farms that native fish must pass in their return to fresh water, otherwise he’ll ignore the Prime Directive and lay a three second phaser burst on Calgary, or possibly most of Quebec …

Tags: William Shatner, Captain James T. Kirk, Canadian salmon farms, pacific salmon, celebrity influence, fishing celebrities, tier one pandering, wild salmon, phasers, Bono, Sting, vegetable aisle, elevator music

Cosmetic surgery for fish could mean an extra Sage for an unscrupulous fellow

The idea has tremendous potential for us coarse fishermen. The absence of prying eyes will allow us to add prosthetics, paint, and minor cosmetic upgrades like fangs or pincers.

Applying lipstick

Throw a monstrous shark fin on the top, airbrush the beast with the signature camouflage of the Great White shark – then release him after the anesthetic and super glue dries …

… just above the interlopers in your riffle, naturally.

Assist the subterfuge with a panic call from the safety of the shoreline – pointing at the three square feet of gray painted shark fin headed in his direction – and watch the ensuing rout.

You may even get a couple of free fly rods after you recover them downstream …

Great White and Yellow

Th-th-thanks, if you hadn’t yelled, the SOB might of ate me … I thought they were only in sa-salt water?”

“Naw, once the Salmon were all gone – the bastards have been coming here for years… Get’s really bad around dusk, friend of mine lost his Lab just last week …”

“Shame about your rod … looked like a “Tom Morgan” Winston from here …”

Tags: Great White Shark, cosmetic surgery for fish, Koi paint, airbrush, fly fishing humor, coarse fishing, angling subterfuge, carp, Salmon, fly rod

Science reveals who’s eating all the fish, and we’re not surprised

middleclass Irate anglers and the phalanx of ecological shock troops have a clean target to blame for the world’s declining fish stocks, climate change, and extra hammy feet in your riffle …

… it’s the middle class, they done it ALL.

According to a recent study by Wildlife Conservation Society and other organizations, coral reefs next to “middle class” communities in Eastern Africa have the lowest fish levels. In contrast, reefs next to villages of low and high socio-economic levels had higher fish levels.

Us starving authors belong to the lowliest socio-economic strata – we can boast being part of the solution, not practitioners of conspicuous consumerism – who aren’t holding up their end of the economy, and welch on home loans daily, while not surrendering their seat on the bus to old ladies …

You other guys SUCK.

The explanation, said researchers, lies in the interplay between traditional customs and how growth influences the social fabric of communities. In poor communities, many of which rely heavily on marine resources, fishing levels are kept in check by local cultural institutions and taboos and a reliance on traditional, low-tech fishing methods.

Loosely translated if you see a Simm’s, Orvis, Sage, or Winston sticker on clothing or rod, if you see a Starbuck’s container in the interior of their car, or if the rod is made from Bamboo, they’re poachers.

Bamboo fishermen covet your daughter, wife, or Springer Spaniel (not necessarily in that order) – them fellows disregard all the important tenets of a modern industrialized society, acting out their base nature with the rest of us as unwitting victims.

Tags: Orvis, Simm’s, Sage, Winston, Starbuck’s, Bamboo rod, poachers, World Conservation Society, industrialized society, taboo, tradition, consumerism, home loan defaults