Category Archives: fly fishing humor

That was then and this is now

The gals in the lunchroom give me a wide berth as my work reputation  has fallen from Epsilon Semi-Moron to neo-primitive Undateable. It’s what happens when the really soft – brightly colored tuft of hair in my hand is identified as real animal. In their mind I probably kilt the SOB in the driveway and don’t dare ask what my sandwich is made from …

Monday and Tuesday was Shad flies, and the brightly colored tufts of whatnot scattered about my vise were a magnet for the curious, until they found out they were real.

Watery Armageddon sank all plans of Shad and Wednesday I had shifted to trout, which has even more gross and despicable things that add to my legend  …

American down 2000

Now the American has dropped 2000 CFS in a couple of days, and I’m back to bead chain and 0.20 lead. A wide gulf of empty tables separates me from the rest of the diners – but that’s not all bad.

At least I don’t have to answer the 10 Sacred Really Obvious Questions that You Shouldn’t Ask:

1) Is that a hook?

2) Do fish eat that?

3) Is that real fur?

4) are you a serial killer?

5) Did your Mother cut the crusts off your sandwich when you were little?

6) Does this make up for your having a small …

It’s scheduled to be only twice its normal size this weekend, but after six months of watching rain fall – my waistline is twice normal, allowing me to hold ground in everything but the fairway.

Next week I’ve got a date with trout again, so I’ll secret a couple of pheasant skins in my bag so I can sail them into the crowd whispering over at the Coke machine …

Makes you wonder what would happen if the butcher left a few feathers on those boneless skinless chicken breasts  – and whether it wouldn’t induce mass hysteria or famine in the metropolis.

Tags : cro-magnon, trout fishing, shad fishing, serial killer, pheasant skin, undateable, American river flow, fly fishing, fly tying humor

5.5 Million trout died for your sins

Everyone knows how fishermen simply open up to the polite inquiry of  a summer intern when statistics and national averages are involved. Notepad at the ready, some poor fellow interrupted in his watery reverie, glances up impatiently and answers, “anything large, but fishing’s crappy” – which immediately pads the numbers in favor of the warmwater crowd.

Trout_Statistics

The most recent and exhaustive study of trout fishermen and their habits has been released by the US Fish and Wildlife Service for the calendar year 2006, and trout remains fifth behind them padded numbers enjoyed by our warmwater brethren.

Brownliners fall under the “Another Type of Freshwater Fish” – as those summer interns didn’t dare get close enough to learn what we were really fishing for … or with … and with our lack of social graces, a big stack of clean white paper at the trailhead has a more fundamental use than make-work for the eggheads in statistics lab.

… thankfully there’s 12% less of us.

the number of freshwater and trout anglers 16 years and older in the U.S. has decreased. The number of trout anglers has decreased from around 9 million anglers in 1996 to 6.8 million in 2006. Diminished trout populations due to whirling disease and habitat destruction may have contributed to some of the decline in angler participation. As for freshwater anglers, their numbers have declined from 29 million anglers in 1996 to 25 million in 2006. Between 2001 and 2006 participation declined by 3 million freshwater anglers.

troutbyregion

Not surprising was the vast surge of anglers flocking to coarse fishing. Likely a response to the ravenous hordes of Asian Carp headed deep into the interior, fish fleeing the Gulf of Mexico – figuring a sewer drain in Sheboygan cleaner, and the fact that the Roughfisher had a couple of offspring during the census  …

Roughfisher skews things a bit

Gender
Fishing continues to be a male dominated sport. Females make up a quarter (25 percent) of all freshwater anglers and even fewer trout anglers (21 percent). This is disproportionately lower than the U.S. population where women are the majority at 52 percent (Table 7).
While many women 16 years of age and older participated in freshwater fishing (6.3 million), this comprised only five percent of the female population in the U.S.

Not to worry lads, the continual bikini posts from the likes of Trout Underground and Moldy Chum represent the vast uncounted population of single, buxom women – less than sixteen years old …

… and if you do anything but look, it’s the last trout you’ll see that’s not wearing trousers.

Age
Trout fishing is popular at any age (16 years or older). At least 21 percent of freshwater anglers in every age category fished for trout (Table 8). However, about half of all trout anglers (49 percent) are between the ages of 35 to 54 years old.

Which is why your extreme angling e-zine whose every page dripped garishly with energy drink ads – vanished. Trout fishing is what guys do when they lack the reflexes for anything else – there to wax poetic until the Grim Reaper baits the hook …

Though trout fishing is predominately made up of a middle-aged generation, the trend is moving toward older participants.

Which is why those music video posts are wasted space. You’re thinking Johnny Larnyx and the Expectorants, and your audience is keen for Sinatra, Noob.

Overall, trout anglers tend to complete more years of education than freshwater anglers and the U.S. population.

They’re smart and discerning, yet claim their quarry smarter – making them humble too.

Twenty-four percent of trout angler households earned more than $100,000, compared with only 17 percent of households in the U.S.

I’ll have to add an asterisk to the above. Twenty-four percent (24%) earned more than $100,000 per year, most were spending in excess of $200,000 per year, went late on their house payment – tapped their 401K, and realized their house was underwater to the tune of $250,000.

As they’re smarter and hold more advanced degrees, most “jinglemailed” the house keys back to their mortgage broker, and are now living with Mom & Dad, complaining about the quality of the local Frappachino …

… collecting unemployment and fishing more often, the bastards.

More importantly we find the valuation in net economic benefit of a trout stream, and the arcane methodology by which pollution of same and the disappearance of all life results in a pittance fine and slap on the wrist for industry …

The difference between what the trout angler is willing to pay and what is actually paid is net economic value. Therefore, for this example, the net economic value is $175 [(($55–$20) ×10÷2) (triangle bcd in Figure 6)] and angler expenditures are $200 [($20×10) (rectangle abde in Figure 6)]. Thus, the trout anglers’ total willingness to pay ($375) is composed of net economic value ($175) and total expenditures ($200).

Net economic value is simply total willingness to pay minus expenditures. The relationship between net economic value and expenditures is the basis for asserting that net economic value is the appropriate measure of the benefit an individual derives from participation in an activity and that expenditures are not the appropriate benefit measure.

Expenditures are out-of-pocket expenses on items an angler purchases in order to fish. The remaining value, net willingness to pay (net economic value), is the economic measure of an individual’s satisfaction after all costs of participation have been paid. Summing the net economic values of all individuals who participate in an activity derives the value to society. For example, assume that there are 100 trout anglers who fish at a particular stream and all have demand curves identical to that of our typical trout angler presented in Figure 6. The total value of this stream to society is $17,500 [$175 × 100].

… despite a home on the banks of the now dead same creek being worth $6.5 million.

At $20 Billion for the entire Gulf of Mexico – I’m thinking those government negotiators was tough as nails.

The net economic values can be used to evaluate management actions that would have an impact on trout fishing. For example, the impact of dam construction, dam removal, and other human activities along trout streams can affect trout angler participation rates. Also, dams can negatively influence trout fishing by creating physical barriers to spawning areas or increasing water temperatures. Let’s assume that in 2006 the state of Maine proposed a policy action to remove an old dam from a trout stream to improve its water quality to blue ribbon status. If a fishery manager knows the number of days Maine residents go trout fishing on a blue ribbon trout stream with no dams over the whole season, 1,000 days for example, it is possible to develop an estimate of the fishery gains from the dam removal. This estimate is accomplished by multiplying the net economic value per fishing day ($30 from Table 13) by the days of participation, resulting in $30,000 ($30 x 1,000). If the fishery manager had data on the number of in-state and out-of-state anglers then the numbers could be adjusted to reflect their appropriate values.

… except it takes $4.5 million to remove the old dam, restock the native plants and historic populations of fish, another $60,000 because some well meaning angler likes Rainbows more than native Brookies, and you’ll get a net return on the investment in about 135 years.

Which is why dams aren’t being wrenched from their foundations by a gleeful mob of contractors.

Tags: Fish and Wildlife Service, trout angling statistics, fly fishing humor, damn lies and statistics, trout, trout fishing, Jinglemail, Sinatra

Fly fishing responsible for the decline in our collective morals

splitshot Last week’s announcement of the First National Fly Fishing competition sponsored by Marshall University just didn’t sit right with me. I may favor competition and most of you don’t, I was fixating on the larger issue – and couldn’t help wonder whether this may be the root cause of those shady hedge fund managers we’ve been cursing the last couple of years…

School spirit is one thing, but the first lesson an angler learns is never guarantee anything. If you were successful yesterday at the same spot, don’t breathe a word for fear of jinxing today’s trip.

Hall is confident of a victory for the Marshall team, which will display Marshall logos on a banner and their fly fishing apparel throughout the tournament. “My partner has the secret fly to win the tournament,” Hall said, laughing.

Noob.

A nurse, a burnout guide, and a television host as former alumni, giving all those impressionable youngsters a taste of what’s in store once they pay off an insurmountable debt burden. Role models should be a couple of golf pro’s and a Vice President or two – not the fellow chatting up Ms. Maraschino about an E-ticket ride to the Bold & the Beautiful.

Is this the root of all our recent evils?

When I hear some fellow guaranteeing to win one for the Gipper – replete with school banner and alumnus film crew, I keep thinking I’ll see split shot roll out of something’s gullet – or worse.

Is this the classic Seduction of the Innocent, where well groomed youngsters watch attentively while a couple of over-the-hill professors bend the rules a bit (strictly for recruitment purposes), brush the telltale BB shot off the scales while the glee club leads the group in another cheer, the result another class of hedge fund managers intent on gutting sheep?

“This is about bringing exposure to Marshall University …  My partner and I will do our best to represent Marshall University and everyone associated with it. I personally can’t wait to get started.”

No mention of whether it’s catch and release, or whether anyone will pause to admire Momma Nature at all, it may be the laboratory segment of BloodSport 101, so you’ve got the jargon to network with the Cheese at Goldman Sachs.

… then again, it could be completely legitimate – and Marshall is another of a long line of “party” schools, where your offspring suddenly develop a bent for animal husbandry of the human kind and learn to grow hops.

“We want to let people know that they can get a great education at Marshall University and enjoy some great fly fishing just a few hours away,” Hall said.

… and if I’m late to class and endure the stony silence of the economics professor, will my stuttered claim of “sudden emergence of March Browns” grant leniency? Fly fishing is “in for a penny, in for a pound” and a national endorsement should carry some long term commitment.

Fly fishermen aren’t the best role models – what with dissembling, the outright lies, and withholding of pertinent details, all the really important skills necessary to deflect a group of angry senators and their righteous populist inquiry.

Tags: Marshall University, fly fishing competition, hedge fund managers, seduction of the innocent, BB shot, blood sport, fly fishing humor

… and the best fish all to yourself

dirtyharry While the competition admires each other in their gear, commenting on how burnt sienna makes a striking statement when paired with olive drab – I’ll be leaning on a rusting tailgate pulling on last year’s patched and worn.

… and while the rest of the crowd glances furtively at the competition, waiting to see who’s going upstream – and which are headed down, I’ll pour myself a second cup of coffee from a battered thermos.

As the gleaming burgundy shafts with imbedded jungle cock are lovingly unsheathed – beginning a new round of show and tell, I’ll wedge my aged neoprene into ancient Wienbrenner’s and lace them up good and tight.

“The California Penal Code allows anglers to carry a gun while fishing and while hiking to and from their angling site. However, section 12025 of the Penal Code prohibits carrying concealed firearms in California. Section 12027, meanwhile, provides exemptions to this prohibition: “Licensed hunters or fishermen carrying pistols, revolvers or other firearms capable of being concealed upon the person while engaged in hunting or fishing, or transporting those firearms unloaded when going to or returning from the hunting or fishing expedition.”

– via Modesto Bee

… and as the crowd begins to break up and head in my direction, I’ll pull that 8” Smith from inside the vest, pop the cylinder out and give it a menacing whirl before snapping the assembly together with a quick turn of the wrist …

… and to no one in particular, “I think I’ll go upstream…”

At that distance no one will notice my hog leg is unloaded, they’ll be too busy pirouetting in favor of the downstream section – and the suddenly compelling fish it contains.

Giving me the opportunity to slide that monstrosity under the seat, as the thought of taking a header while adorned with that much iron brings the nervous sweats.

Tags: California Penal Code, fishing sidearm, heeled while fishing, solitude

I’m less than sensitive to your antiquated notion of dating

I’m feeling particularly turgid at the prospect of a spending the weekend with you, yet you remain swollen and bloated, claiming you’re retaining water and in no mood for a frolic. In my feverish condition I’m past considering your feelings, so I looked up other flames and they’re in similar shape, singing the same sorrowful tune and disinterested in a passionate tryst.

While reluctant to pay for pleasure, most of the guides won’t take my money, claiming everything North of South is blown out, knocked up, and stay away. Even the party boat skippers claim the ocean bereft of salmon, and my idyllic little stinkwater a lifeless yet burgeoning plume of dam release unable to provide the release I so sorely need.

I’ve little choice and fewer options, and the prospect of fixing sprinklers versus putting the boots to your watery, yet supple form, is just increasing my ire … and as a vindictive SOB I’ll spend those agonizing moments of forced idleness producing even more things that’ll prove irresistible later.

Pink and Orange Pee Wee

We’ve done dinner and the obligatory romantic comedy, now I’m requiring more than a peck on the cheek, or nervous handshake on your dimly lit boat launch – I’m not looking for your regard or your respect, I’m looking for some action.

… that’s right, I’m looking for the nasty.

Sure, you’re the coquette and playing the field – but them other fellows are nice guys, who’ll keep their hands off your ample shoreline and respect your irritating seasonal largesse.

… flirt with Igor, the Hunchback of Folsom Dam … but while you’re giggling over the scowls of fishermen below, I’ll be in the bushes contemplating the unspeakable … waiting for your return home.

Tags: American River, enforced idleness, tired of this bullshit, Pink Pee Wee, fishless weekend, snow melt,

Can your shop withstand so much awesome power wielded by unwilling skeptics?

Angling is a close second, as it’s always the sex industry that takes technology into areas the engineers never considered. For every tale of starving college students laboring in a dank garage that begat Internet millions, there’s an X-rated knockoff launched about 26 days after the Whizkid’s IPO.

… and a month after the first trademark infringement lawsuit, the angling version debuts.

I’ll call it one of the few legitimate uses for Twitter that I’ve seen, Lake Ontario’s charter boat captains giving up to the minute fishing reports via the Internet.

Meanwhile us fly fishing types will be left whining – unless all those outfitters insist on hooking crotchety old guides to their Twitter feed …

… with the resulting mayhem fairly predictable:

bushjoker
    BushMaster 
LightBreeze goodHatch Adam16 working, also Prince16BeadHead
@Bush: dude, whereUat? denied
        FLYGuy
 
     YOJIMBO
WANT GAY PORN? TONZ OF FREE MIDGETPORN GET PORN NOW!!!!!!
 
@FlyGuy: AintTelling. Clownshoes, youMotored myFish yesterday, Moron.   
bushjoker 
     BushMaster

       FLYGuy
@Bush: This what you call a fish report, OMFG your shop total suxors.
 
Adams are Ghey, only Tardz throw lameness. Lick the heels of your master.   

    TheDRAKE

… and if an iPhone falls into the deep part, will it make a sound?

Tags: The Drake, twitter, Internet, fly fishing guides, fly fishing outfitter, charter boat, fly fishing humor

We can put Blue Chatterer back on the menu

The problem is our long relationship. How after a thousand posts of pure honesty steeped in total avarice, wherein I’ve revealed my lust for the illegal and exotic – and hoard vast quantities of brightly colored feathers just so I can count them each evening …

… and despite the innocence of my expression and complete apologies to both victim and society, I’d be spread-eagled imploring you to confirm my good character with the warden, and you’d be insisting I get “tased” a second time.

I’m being cavity searched and your only concern is whether there’s a post for tomorrow … and calling ourselves “Pals” would be stretching it some.

Don't try this at home 

But it’s true – and purely an accident.  The local field mice and I were warring over the use of my attic as a means to confound the local falcon population, and while I didn’t mind sharing  – the late night carousing was irritating, and the final straw occurred when the little well-fed SOB’s started using the plumbing for gymnastics and weight training.

I went DEFCON 3 and trimmed the population nicely. Nights are now blissful and sleep uninterrupted, yet I left one trap on the roof (where all the kills were sourced) just to make sure I’d cleansed the gene pool. It vanished without a trace.

I found it this weekend while yanking out the tall grass, I’d winged the poor Jay and with trap attached the local cats took care of the rest …

Honest.

If I’d known potential fly tying supplies shared a yen for raisins, I’d have deployed both traps and Punji sticks to nail that roosting Peacock from last year.

Tags: California Jay, rat trap, blue chatterer, fish & game, taser, some friends, field mice, fly tying materials, blue chatterer

Storage Issues

Medium Ginger nymphLooking at all those little packs of dubbing and gauging capacity were I to wad them into a single container. Nearby are the zip loc bags groaning under the stress of a couple ounces of custom dyed, blended, or curried fur …

The catalog offers either the 64 ounce or the 128 ounce size, nicely uniform containers that would bring some much needed order to my burgeoning collection of fur.

I opted for the 64’s – and it looks more like the 128’s would have been the better choice …

Tags: fly tying dubbing, dubbing storage, medium ginger dubbing

He’ll dismiss Poppa as an Anachronism

The arid Pristine shall rise anew The good news is the fish will be larger, more colorful, and more numerous – the bad news is your trout and salmon days are theoretically numbered.

The scientists studied populations of young salmon and trout in the River Wye in Wales, traditionally one of the UK’s best angling rivers. Professor Steve Ormerod and colleagues from the Cardiff School of Biosciences found salmon numbers fell by 50% and trout numbers by 67% between 1985 and 2004 – even though the river itself became cleaner.

The fish were hit hardest following hot, dry summers such as 1990, 2000 and 2003. The results suggest that warmer water and lower river levels combine to affect both species. As both trout and salmon favour cool water, they face potentially major problems if climate warming continues as expected in the next two to three decades.

– via Science Daily

But you’ve plenty of time to act. When your kiddies curl their lower lip at that steaming salmon fillet Ma has cooked perfectly, rather than launch the all-too-familiar argument about how you was glad to get bread and milk after working all day threshing wheat – now you can opt for the low and away pitch …

You ungrateful little Snot, there won’t be any on your kids table – your Nintendo warmed the Earth’s crust – and they up and died …”

… and when he recovers from shock and snarls a sullen and defiant, “So..” – then you can hit him.

Al Gore says it’s okay.

Warmer water will bring all new aquatic foliage, new bugs – and we’ll pout and pound our chests over invasives, banning everything from garbage bags to bare feet, never seeing the larger picture – that of an entire ecosystem under evolution.

Carp and suckers will frolic in what remains of the heavy forest, they’ll be bigger and meaner and much tougher to catch, but all the pansies will have stopped buying their fishing license by then – and the Arid Pristine will rise anew.

… and one day your child now mature, will call his Poppa to invite him fishing and wonder why the fat old bastard hung up in a huff. It’ll give him but a moment’s pause – as he jumps into the car for the pre-dawn exodus, knowing they’ve rotenoned the entire Upper Sacramento and replanted the native Koi.

Tags: Climate change, wader ban, carp, rough fish, fly fishing, ecosystem evolution, Al Gore, trout, salmon

Of Wooden ships and Iron Men

fouroldfishermen Sure it’s only a fragment of angling data, but it still imparts a horrifying aspect to how far we’ve sunk over the last hundred years.

A recent examination of trawling records from the late 1800’s suggest that despite all the carbon fiber, nylon, sonar, radar, Twinkies, Playboy, the Internet, and on-ship HBO, the average commercial fisherman works 17 times harder to catch the same volume of fish, as his turn-of-the-century counterpart.

Seventeen, it’s a magic number …

Modern fly fishermen carry seventeen times the gear of them old guys, forcing most of us to give up the sport at 35 due to curvature of the spine. We carry potable water, toilet paper, energy bars, poly leaders, split shot, extra spool, extra lines, cell phone, pager, flotation vest, credit cards, bug spray, nippers, flask, stomach siphon, and reading glasses, and that’s only the first two pockets…

Anglers of yesteryear were lean and vigilant, bringing the water to mouth in cupped palm, carried a single rod and a can of Red Deer Fat to grease things to float, or left alone to sink.

We carry seventeen times more flies, in seventeen new phases of lifecycle. We spend our precious time wondering whether it was dun, spinner, emerger, cripple, or nymph – and them old guys only considered two kinds of bugs, those that were bothering them – and those that weren’t.

They had shiny, drab, and bright, and were correct 33% of the time. We’ve got floating, sinking, beadhead, lead free, barbless, and borrowed, then we have to determine insect stage – all as daylight ebbs.

They had horses that might trot 10 miles an hour, but only had 5 miles to the Pristine. We’ve got agile and sleek testimonials to modern engineering – capable of 200 mph in seven seconds, and while those speeds are useful, it takes four hours of bumper to bumper to get clear of our fellow man, then seven seconds to your next ticket.

They fished with rods that took seventeen times longer to make, constructed by rod companies whose lineage could be traced through 17 generations of loving craftsmen. Their rods were gossamer wands of indescribable beauty, with the temperament of women, and when put away damp or hastily – would warp and buckle in vengeance.

We’ve got rods that crap themselves out of a nozzle accompanied by the musical notes of carbon-based flatulence. They’re cold and plasticine, and cost seventeen times what they’re worth.

For that matter everything today costs seventeen times more, including fishing licenses and divorce.

… but the wardrobe is cheaper. Modern fishermen eschew bathing in lieu of an extra hour of fishing. The tweeds and ascot replaced with an extra application of anti-perspirant and a wet-knap chaser. Just enough homage to the niceties of civilization to get you through the drive thru and toll booth without incident.

The saving grace, the item enabling us to continue hemorrhaging both time and money in pursuit of diminishing returns, is we’ve abolished Debtor’s Prison … whose return appears imminent given the current Congress, delayed only by the inevitable Republican filibuster.

Tags: fishermen work harder, fly fishing, fly fishing cost, fly fishing humor