Category Archives: fly fishing humor

How to torment your fellow fly fisherman and wind up in a foreign prison for a decade

Archaeopteryx Everything PETA has ever said about me is true, although I am mellowing a bit with age …

The thought came unbidden, I’m reading about the hundreds of birds that remain unseen by human eyes, and have never been catalogued by Science, and visions of something more brilliant than Blue Chatterer, more vibrant than Indian Crow, dance like sugarplums before my eyeballs …

( … and don’t blame me for the Christmas reference, it’s not yet time for Thanksgiving and yet the entire merchant class has determined you should start shopping already … )

Now that the statute of limitations has worn off I’m allowed to mention some of those dark secrets confessed to guides. We’re often seen as a combination of Mother Theresa and hardened psychologist blanch.

Myself and two other guides were charged with escorting a party of six producers, screenwriters, and directors from Hollywood. Part of an annual outing where each fellow was responsible to pick a fishing venue and book lodging and guides for the entire cabal for three days of fishing.

Each fellow was also required to one-up the fellow before him, by finding some rare or unique material that would be incorporated in a custom fly tied for the entire group. The member who caught the largest fish on the unique fly, won bragging rights for the subsequent year.

As this had been going on for some time, it was an effort to one up the last guy – and niceties like legality and societal constraints had long since been discarded in pursuit of rare and even humorous …

That year the host had found himself in a museum in Mexico, and when the curators weren’t looking had pulled a six inch strand of wool from a serape owned by Pancho Villa…

Naturally it wound up as the body material for a couple dozen dry flies, which were distributed among the contestants. Now that I was party to the dirty little secret, my job was to find a big fish with a yen for a hundred year old dirty gray #14, and record the catch so my two fellows could claim victory.

I thought that was just about the best contest I’d heard about – right up until the release of Midnight Express and six or seven years in a Turkish prison made me rethink yanking a tuft off of Tutankhamen’s burial shroud, which was at the DeYoung in San Francisco.

… and neatly explains my sudden yen to visit the Philippines in advance of all them scholarly birdwatchers. The first fellow to spot a Blue Fanged Fidget, can insist flies just aren’t the same with a tawdry dyed substitute.

… and the only fellow that may be able to one-up a bird never seen by science is the fellow that trips over a frozen million year old Archaeopteryx, recently exposed by global warming.

Where we touch on fly fishing theory aided by the Commutative Law of Base Mathematics

A valid theorem packed with fact If you think it’s because of the preponderance of green, or the gold tinsel rib, or because the river’s full of them and they’re about this size, or exactly seven turns of lead, or the dark barred grizzly collar, or the sun being off the water, or whatever you insist makes your fly an absolute killer, you’ve developed an original and possibly valid theory.

… and you’ve every right to insist on respect, as conjecture on why fish ate something can never be validated via direct testimonial, and therefore remains untested and inviolate.

In all of recorded angling only a single such theory has been elevated to  fact, as it can be proven without testimonial. A single theory whose outcome can be predicted with uncanny accuracy, as it’s roots are in base math – removed from fishing taint entirely.

“I caught all my fish on a #16 Adams.” ( I only carry one fly with me, it’s a #16 Adams, and it’s the only fly I tied on during the entire day, but its legendary killing power is a secret known only to me, hence my utter confidence in the fly.)

Most of your pals lose interest immediately, as your fly is at best successful only due to math, and not to any innate quality of the local insect population, or weakness of the native trout.

It’s the Fool’s Gold theorem, and any fly can be imbued with killing qualities if fished long enough. It is best practiced in the final phases of an angling career – in concert with sunlit benches and the welcome embrace of a couch.

Mostly it means the practitioner is unwilling to countenance change or variation at any level, doesn’t realize that whether the Adams chose him – or he chose the Adams, (A+B=B+A) the end result is the same.

… and he likes baseball, as every baseball fan knows …

“Never ‘fuck’ with a winning streak.”

Anglers rise to it without reservation, the Royal Nutritionist

For the last couple of decades it’s been as much fly fishing tradition as Jungle Cock, or Mallard flank. That pre-dawn car full of hopeful careening up the interstate before John Law pacifies it once again ..

… and the fellow in the back that hasn’t yet discovered he’s forgetten his reel, who caroused far into the night despite our warnings not to – and suggests one last civilized breakfast is needed and he’ll be fine.

Proximity to the creek means four guys racing to be the first to dampen boot, and one fellow trying to keep that civilized breakfast down. By Sunday, it’s three guys getting in some last licks, and one fellow hoping that meal will come out – at any cost.

With good reason, considering the campground Porta-Potty may be the next Valley of Kings …

Happy Meal Day 1

A recent non-scientific experiment suggests that same fine breakfast, when left on the sink, would not change significantly over the following six months. With plenty of photographic evidence to back the claim, little wonder there’s always one member of your party incapacitated completely, and the balance in some culinary-gastric hell they’re trying to fight through.

Happy Meal Day 180

Outside of the bun getting a bit pale, I can’t see much difference.

Contrasted with the righteous indignation us anglers displayed when fish DNA was being modified, yet we’ll gladly inhale genetically modified taters and irradiated beef patty without so much as hint of protest …

I guess our DNA doesn’t count.

Better bring a Frisbee if you want to make friends

While the furor over Tiger Woods paving a half mile of a North Carolina trout stream has begun to subside, my regret is that I tipped you fellows to boutique fish first, and in typical conservation fashion you opted to think about it until the Pristine was in crisis  …

Tiger settled with the court and Trout Unlimited by halving the proposed impacts to the creek and contacting AquaDoubleHelix to create a boutique fish that wouldn’t upset the delicate balance of Nature, yet wouldn’t anger those patrons sending a steady stream of Titleists into the fast water.

Fetches anything

Dubbed the “Fairway Trout”, it subsists on a diet of Rock Snot and dry Kibble, isn’t interested in flies whatsoever, fetches anything tossed into the water, sees breathable waders as a hydrant, and announces itself rather soulfully whenever the moon is full.

But most of the time it drapes itself over a hot rock and snores loudly, husbanding precious energy that it semi-promises to use later – were you only to scratch its ears …

It’s Version 1.0, they’ll work the bugs out …

A real fly fisherman will neither starch nor iron his Barbour Jacket

Starring Muy Malo and Griff The mystery solved.

Why fly fisherman have cropped up hawking everything from credit cards to Snicker bars …

We … is back in style.

Goretex and Redwings rub shoulders with plunging strapless and Italian leather, and all the gals is wishing their man wore Pendleton.

Actual outdoor usage is still tawdry and forbidden, but looking like you can chop wood, mend fence, or stand hipshot with a scowl, sets all them urban hearts aflutter …

“I’ve heard some people saying that the heritage revival is the death of luxury,” said Mr. Bastian, the fashion designer. “But guys are just shopping differently.”

Yet another thing the Brawny Man can aim for: saving the American economy.

Outdoor Cutting Edge With patriotism a cornerstone of our conservation dogma, it may be time to wrestle the Tea Party away from political hacks, and rechristen it the Bull Moose Too Party. We can backburner silly notions of religion and family values, and focus on important issues like annexing Canada (which still has good fishing), Maine, and sweeping the Senate of folks that don’t love tuna fish.

A “fashionista tax” where the user must show a valid hunting or fishing license to buy Sorel, Barbour, or Simms, or pays double –  should ensure the budget is balanced in a fortnight.

Besides, nobody likes them guys anyways …

As the clothing looks good on the young, us aging Bull Moosers will adore adding additional entitlements for Cyprinids, Salmonids, and the environs they hold dear. Gleeful, knowing that while the young are busy posing fiercely at one another, they’ll be doing so at the expense of a meager pay stub – and the shrinking 401K – we leave them.

Only real difference between us and them other political hacks, is we’ve no plans for “Johnny Nintendo” to inherit a damn thing, what remains of the Greatest Generation and the Boomers will show Junior what selfish looks like …

… right after we kick them out of the house.

Fly fishing was never designed to be all those things

flyfishing_motivational

We keep cropping up in the strangest places, tagged with even stranger attributes. How fly fishing can be linked with leadership is a stretch, given that we’re proponents of an antiquated sport that limits our casting distance, doesn’t sink very well, and lacks scent.

The taglines best suited for the above picture should have been …

Antisocial

The water’s icy, I can’t feel my feet so I can’t put them in my mouth.

… which is better than the fluffy vendor version, “A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way.”

I think you probably have six or seven better’n mine…

Can fly fishing regulation restore fisheries with a stroke of the pen

Increased regulations Outside of some rare conservation program that’s reshaped a creek with instream cover or dredging, regulations, or fish plants, I don’t think any angler will make the claim that his favorite creek fishes better than it did a decade ago.

Intervention at any level is always a temporary boon. The organizations that promote quality public water can’t sustain them for more than a couple of years, and with funding drying up in lockstep with a battered economy, and increased threat to other creeks and rivers, the result is too many chicks vying for a meager worm.

Few in number compared to other anglers, we can still degrade a fishery quickly with constant pressure. All them feet tearing into the bank at the egress points, all those fish mishandled or gut hooked, thousands of crushing feet on the aquatic wildlife, and the continual stream of guides and clients that are part and parcel of the premier waters.

Over time, no matter how slight the mortality rate, we compromise everything.

Kirk Deeter of the Fly Talk blog brings up a worthy point in a different manner, but ignoring the beadhead-bobbercator issue entirely, are fly fishermen willing to adopt even more stringent regulations in return for big fish and watershed preservation?

Not more water reserved for fly fishing, rather more stringent regulations on our existing water, potentially hampering us enough to buy additional years prior to destroying a unique fishery due to our weight of numbers.

It’s something I’ve witnessed first hand. Living on the banks of Hat Creek during it’s reopening as a trophy trout fishery, it’s popularity enhanced due to vigorous magazine coverage, that resulted in most of California making the pilgrimage to test their skills on large wary trout.

About six years later anything over 16” was a rarity, and six years after that it was just another creek, despite the occasional attempt from CalTrout to intervene. A two year stint as CalTrout’s Hat Creek Streamkeeper during its heydays made me privy to the causal agents and much internal discussion, but the meager and uncertain funding meant the creek had to defend itself once the initial makeover was complete.

Certainly there were many issues that were unrelated to anglers, the Baum Lake canal burst, sending a slug of PG&E’s sediment into a spring creek among others. Regulated flows prevented the watercourse from freeing itself of sediment – as it lacked the winter scour so important to sediment flush and ridding itself of foreign objects.

Most of the persistent issues were related to anglers. California hosts a large population, plenty of fly fishermen, and the trophy water being a scant three miles long magnified the impacts of all them feet.

With all the emphasis on invasive species, and watching the Powerhouse riffle widen an additional 50 feet due to wading anglers wearing the bank down by entering and exiting the creek, I’d think a “no wading” regulation is now more pertinent than ever.

“… fishing is Catch & Release only, artificial only, barbless hook, no wading allowed.” 

With the new conservation ethic disposing of the flat felt bottom, cleated rubber soles (equipped with studs to improve traction) may reduce invasives – but due to cleats and steel studs will certainly increase the amount of bank removed by a fishermen scrambling into or out of the water.

Via regulation are we prepared to get us out of that business entirely?

It’ll send half of us back to the casting ponds as the available fishery is what you can throw and mend effectively. It’ll increase the amount of car traffic on nearby roads as we bounce between access points rather than crossing at the shallow spot, and will add “safe havens” for fish – as neither bank affords access or the ability to cast effectively.

Don’t expect vendors to help push this sterile initiative as it’ll remove a third of the gear we’re equipped with and a third of their gross.

“… fishing is Catch & Release only, artificial only, barbless hook, maximum 10 anglers, reservation only.” 

Limiting the human traffic will solve many ailments. Figure a fee-based system that pays for the 24-hour reservation system and limited back office staff to settle squabbles.

There’s brown water aplenty to handle those reserving too late, or turned away at the toll booth.

Profit can be recycled back into the fishery. Assuming a year long season and 300 capacity bookings, a $50 use fee equates to $150,000 per year. Figure half of that being chewed up by overhead and trash collection, road maintenance, and an occasional Porta-Potty, that would leave $50,000 a year for watershed improvements – or a Riverkeeper to maintain a constant patrol during daylight hours …

“… fishing is Catch & Release only, artificial only, barbless hook, dry fly only.”

Gear restrictions of any type would aid fish too, whether limiting the kind and type of artificials we throw, or how they’re thrown, should buy a watershed additional seasons of prominence. “Dry Fly Only” has a purism taint that obscures the conservation issue, but if adopted would impact fishing significantly.

… and no, an indicator is not dry. Nor is a dry fly with nymph dangling below, we’re insisting on only surface fishing – but we might overlook the dry fly pulled under and twitched fetchingly …

Having fished on dry fly only water, with mown trails between small fishing platforms (with seating) at each pool, I can attest that it’s rarified – but still fly fishing.

… and each phase of the aquatic insect would have to be ruled on in advance – and posted whether it’s dry or wet just to avoid your claims of innocence while being carted off in manacles.

I’m not sure that we’re capable of policing ourselves, so each turnstile into the quality water will have to be equipped with brass and tungsten detection…

“… fishing is Catch & Release only, artificial only, barbless hook, floating fly, upstream presentation only.”

There’s a perverted element that would welcome hideous restriction as the bragging rights would be commensurate. Thankfully they’re a minority albeit intensely vocal, but they exist.

Unfortunately as we pile on the restrictions we’re obligating ourselves to an increase in stern eyeballs monitoring all this extra ritual. Wardens being in short supply and with thousands of miles to patrol, we’d have to hire someone to monitor us while we alternate between spirit and letter of the law.

Which brings the spectre of fee based fishing and similarity with Europe.

The antics of Donny Beaver and viability of the private fishing club proves there’s enough rich folks to pay for exclusivity, the question becomes are us less fortunate willing to pay for a similar increase in quality?

“Quality” being a surrogate for less people, bigger fish, catered lunches, or whatever you find most attractive.

Despite their stated intent, many states tap license fees to cover shortfalls in other budgets. In the current economic climate that will persist for some time. Fee based fishing offers some small possibility that the funds would be dedicated to the watershed, the question would be is the angling brotherhood willing to pay for equal measures of restriction and pleasure?

The growth in “farm pond” fisheries suggest that both size and quantity are very compelling to anglers, enough so that many shops feature this type of “private access – hatchery enhanced” fishery – and participants are willing to pay extra for access to artificial lakes enhanced with brood stock.

Regulations are at the whim of the landowner, and some even charge by the hour.

It’s certain to be off-putting to some, but with all of the fanciful threats forecast by global warming, population growth, invasives, and alternate land use, and should only a fraction of that come true, it’s plain that public agencies and their stewardship of the public water could be unsustainable.

“… fishing is Catch & Release only, artificial only, barbless hook, floating fly, no wading, upstream presentation only, and the river is opened only in odd numbered years.”

How about resting the water every other season? That would make patrolling the Precious easier for wardens, as they’d be able to open fire on anyone seen on the bank …

With all we have vested in the sport, and all the conservation dogma we espouse at every cocktail gathering, why not alternate venues or pursue some other noble, more plentiful quarry in alternate years?

It would be curtains for many of the destination shops who are struggling already, but the agile will exploit the Internet, and the fortunate have more than a single watershed to service.

Perhaps three or five year closures might make more sense. Giving our discarded tippet and water bottles more time to flush.

“… fishing is Catch & Kill only, limit two fish over 6”, artificial only, barbless hook, floating fly, no wading, upstream presentation only, and the river is opened only in odd numbered years.”

Limiting our time on the creek might also work, although we’d have to stooge around on the bank waiting for a buddy to get his limit, or convince him to claim one of the carcasses was his. Naturally, you’d have to cough up cash or buy the dinner as you’ve obligated him to cease fishing on his next successful grab …

Local tourism and fly shops would be the benefactors, perhaps a few anglers would take up upland birds – spending the balance of the evening blowing hell out of pine trees.

“… fishing is Catch & Release only, artificial only, no wading, upstream presentation only, barbless hook size 20 or smaller, and no artificials may contain : a) rubberlegs, b) lead, c) beads, d) synthetic fibers, e) or may be predominately Olive, Brown, Gray, or Black.”

Now that most of the stoneflies, half of the dry flies, and three-quarters of your fly box is off limits, remember to get there early … to allow for ex-TSA employees to go through your vest and impound everything you can’t use.

As a fly tier I wouldn’t object too much. Knowing what goes in every fly I’ve tied has me dressing on the other side of the fence, watching you get hustled to the ground for illegal synthetics you didn’t know you had.

I’ll avert my gaze when I hear the snap of the rubber gloves …

The “20-20” Club is something that motivates a lot more anglers than you think, and with hooks being what they are and 18” fish having imaginary extra length there’s many fewer members than claim credit.

How big would the average fish have to be for that kind of rigor? Remember we’re protecting both fishery and fish, and any indignation is worthy…

“… fishing is Catch & Release only, artificial only, no wading, upstream presentation only, barbless hook, and each angler is limited to a single fly in possession.

Again it’s a time limiter, you can select the fly after much observation the evening of your arrival, I suppose you can take a roundabout way back to the car after you snap it off on a tree limb and get another – which will spawn new paths through the underbrush to avoid the turnstiles and the watchful eyes nearby.

Or you can merely go straight to the extreme and stand in line for what will surely be the new esthetic:

“… fishing is Catch & Release only, artificial only, no wading, upstream presentation only, barbless hook, and each angler must construct his terminal tackle using native flora or the contents of the parking lot’s garbage can.”

Sadly Tonkin cane is in short supply throughout much of Montana as well as the Rockies or Sierra’s. The invasive threat being what it is, it should arrive within the decade however.

Saplings are fair game, and those skilled in furled leaders could conceivably weave some type of weight forward from the native grasses. Small game will suffer – as they’re chased about and disemboweled to return gut leaders to prominence. It’s not much of a reach to plant pen raised squirrels to ensure survival of native fish, and their fur can be utilized to craft both dry flies and nymphs, ensuring full utilization as a resource.

While I’ve strayed fairly far afield from the original question, given the trend of irreparable damage fostered by us stewards, and the outside issues that add to that mix, should we consider changing regulations to restrict our impacts on the Pristine, and in what manner would you make that palatable?

Hello 911? I’ve got a heron on life support and am out of baggies

Dr. Skinner's Animal Shelter They’re onto me

Seven short miles away an entire UC campus is determined to find out why Yolo County drivers never hit anything while driving. My streets and thoroughfares clean of corpses and the local Interstate a lone buffer of Purity in California’s asphalt archipelago …

They claim they’re compiling more accurate statistics for the occurrence of animal-automobile kinetic couplings, but I think the county commission is thinking national game refuge and the funding that comes with it.

Now that they’re commissioning an iPhone app to ease road kill reporting, it gives me blanket absolution from my necro-scavenger hunt and burgeoning life list, and should the girlfriend complain, I can always blame science.

An old iPhone case tucked into the center console next to the array of Ziploc sarcophagi; a squeal of of rubber smoke, a hurried exit, and should the casual bystander note my interest in the bleeding corpse – I’ll give them a friendly wave and stab a forefinger at the cold glass of my Apple phone.

The site’s founders hope to soon hire a software engineer to design a smartphone app. They think one would attract new and younger volunteers, speed up the process, and, with built-in GPS function, assure more accurate location information.

Call me an ambulance chaser, but a quick scan of the website each morning – a quicker call to the boss to explain my tardy, and every Blue Heron that duels Detroit will be reclassified as “long beaked naked chicken” – just as soon as the clasp on my Buck knife closes …

While initially I was put out at the NY Times for lavishing the  “Doctor Roadkill” moniker on someone with clean conscience hands, I really don’t need the rest of the fly tying world finding out from Perez Hilton where I score all the free goods.

For those of you interested in assisting UC Davis and their scientific research –  road kill reports can be filed at the CROS site. While I don’t expect you’ll understand, it would be a great assistance to science should you standardize your nomenclature:

Don’t merely enter “stray kat”, rather use metadata that is useful to researchers, like; “medium blue dun with bronze highlights and a rich maltese note to the forelegs (or maybe that’s just axel grease). Light bouquet, rated a “double bagger” due to rampant livestock.

That’s the scientific method and befits us amateur entomologists.

Conspicuous is my omission of the route to work. Knowing the playful nature of our readership, I’m sure to discover that both Polar Bear and fur seal have a yen for the center divider.

There may be an Old Folk’s home for Admirals and Mariners, but there’s none for stove up fly fishing codgers

In the Old Days once them knees went or the arthritis set in permanent the only option would be a window seat, some sunlit bench where you’d tell and retell those precious war stories of youth.

None of them codgers would really be listening, and you’d lose track of the narrative once something half your age flounced by, but it’d be a way to retain some small contact with the sport that had played such a significant role throughout your formative years.

With the advent of Reaganomics and the generation of “Me Firsters” I resolved to be the fly fishing equivalent of Joan Rivers. Rather than face lifts, I’d blow all my cash on prosthetics allowing me to crawl or limp from parking lot to water’s edge.

With nanotechnology I figured I’d be a decade away from immortality, some snickering SOB in a lab coat would put a big needle in my arse and them little robots would replace muscle and worn ligaments, making me competition for the younger crowd …

… and when they invented Viagra, I was sure of it.

Like most technologies the promise was more than the delivery, and the Fountain of Youth remained fable, until now …

All terrain invasive wading wheelchair

An all terrain, rubber soled, wading skateboard that puts us aging Californio’s back in the thick of the hatch.

We endured your giggling about our blonde-surfing-Dood culture knowing you were shoveling snow. We ignored your laughter when you discovered we were eating raw fish.  We were practicing for our dotage, where those crucial skateboard-balance skills would allow us to regain lost youth.

Dude.

… and while that brawny male nurse heaves you onto your stomach before exposing your wrinkled nether regions for the daily vitamin suppository, think of me – exploiting the pristine in a cacophony of petrol smoke and spraying dirt.

Like the rest of the Extremist’s I’ll be tearing through what remains of the Pristine without thought to environmental damage or whether the vernal forest can handle the debris field of smoldering cigarettes, spent tippet, and amyl nitrate left in my wake …

Borrowed time imbues a certain invulnerability allowing us to skid to a stop in your riffle, claiming “we caught an updraft, sorry-kinda” before roaring over your feet enroute to someplace better.

Where we interview for the position of fly fishing sidekick

We’ll be back around seven, and we brought Sweetums’s Frisbee for you to throw. Try not to tire Precious too much, knowing his delicate sensibilities and fragile constitution.”

Right.

I had dog watching duties this weekend, and while tossing slobber-Frisbee is a rarified treat, peeling the layers of domestication off a well mannered beast is twice as much fun.

“Little Meat” is a burner, and freed from the leash and dropped into the primitive, there was a better than average chance that all my Spey flies would be real Blue Heron …

All we had to do is corner one on a stretch with no deer carcasses or desiccated anything – as maggot-ridden has a special draw equal to something fleeing in a panic, and only to a dog occupying the seat next to you.

Triple_axel

… only they were smart enough to keep their distance, mostly …

The nametag says I’ve never seen him before, akin to the perfect crime. While the Fish & Game is frantically searching for a second clip and with closure approaching Mach 0.6, like everything else that breaks cover …  Toast.

Me and “Cheetah” have a few rough edges to work on … Tennis balls can be returned, but anything screaming or bloody should be consumed behind bushes – so I can feign horror like the rest of the onlookers.

Any animal “siding” you while fishing has to have personality aplenty. It may justify its oxygen providing precious “pointer” skills; lift the right paw if it’s a Pikeminnow, left paw if it’s a sucker, droop both ears if its Bass … yet while attentive to my pantomime, Meat’s keen eyesight and rocket-speed were reserved only for terrestrial prey.

eat_drink_roll

While twenty-four hours isn’t enough to undo years of obedience, there was a tell tale gleam of malevolence after a scorching march through the watershed…

Otter fleeing in terror

… especially after consuming two of the three Otter that have migrated down into the Big Fish stretch. It’s both the first and last time such magnificent creatures have been seen on my creek, and despite blanket protection provided by the Fish & Game, ag chemicals made them slow and fat, something my companion exploited unmercifully.

Taco_Bell

Chase stuff, crap on stuff, roll in stuff – look wounded when hurled into the creek after acquiring a disguising scent, and expect to go to Disneyland or Sizzler upon return to civilization.

Almost like fishing, with the only difference being our insistence on cooking or photographing stinky stuff, rather than wearing it proudly.