Us Californians bear a hideous burden, we’re supposed to export American culture to the rest of the world via Hollywood and politicians, and have additional responsibility to export some lifestyle change that ensures we’re the laughingstock of the rest of the country.

McDonald’s wants a taste of that action, opening a “Feng Shui’d” grease mart that assumes the elemental touch will have you admiring their decor, rather than counting all them silly grams of lard you’re ingesting. I figure if Mickey Dee’s wants in the fad may have run its course.

Then again, I may be wrong.

The makeover is part of the attempt by McDonald’s Corp. in recent years to remodel hundreds of its restaurants to attract more patrons with unique decor and amenities that might entice them stay awhile.

It also fits into McDonald’s larger corporate practice of catering to local tastes, such as a fondue-style burger in France or a pita-wrapped “McArabia” sandwich in the Middle East.

The “McArabia” might be the reason Osama Bin Laden torched the World Trade Center, it was pure self defense…

The basic principles of feng shui include placing strategic representations of five natural elements – earth, water, fire, metal and wood – around the room to increase the flow of chi, or energy.

I’m thinking my fly tying bench could use some Feng Shui, but incorporating all those elements could be problematic. Water is easiest, so I’ll require a keg refrigerator – I can run some carburetor hose up the armature of my lamp for “hands free” usage, and I don’t have to worry about tipping over glasses, or having an odd number of empty cans, which would disrupt “chi”.

Houseplants are prized in feng shui circles as a means of bringing desirable chi, or energy, into the home. They’re also a natural air purifier, and a simple way to brighten up the dark, short days of winter.

So I buy some Gro-Lights and revisit my college days, growing herbs rather than flowers or plasticine jungle foliage. Useful, likely to increase the creativity of my tying, but bouts of cotton mouth and cravings for vanilla ice cream topped with Mango Chutney will result in weight gain.

Another perfectly simple, but crucial, feng shui dictum. If something in your home is broken or in disrepair – even if it’s something that you rarely use, or keep in storage – fix it or get rid of it. The idea: malfunctioning or damaged objects engender pessimism and frustration.

I followed the directions to the letter, now I walk around dazed and haven’t tied anything other than shoe laces in months, it’s me that’s broken … so much for trendy..

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None of the past offenses are mentioned so I can’t determine whether this fits the traditional pattern of self destructive behavior.

“I used to make cane and graphite fishing rods, and tie flies as a hobby when I was on the street,” said Jeremy Loyd, an Arrowhead prison inmate. “I approached Dave Block (a Correctional Industries manager) with an idea for making it a business and an educational program.”

On the surface it sounds like it satisfies the incarceration / rehabilitation model, but knowing our passion for fishing is he merely trading one downward spiral for another?

Yes, I’m joking – but the question remains.

There’s no telling what I’m capable of if a flotilla of inebriated water skiers dampen my fishing, or some insensitive brute on a mountain bike impales himself on my flyrod. If the crime scene evidence goes against me – would my wrapping your graphite rod be punishment, and for whom?

I’ll leave my faith in professionals, they do this stuff full time; but were it me, once back on the street, I’d be hawking dry flies to school kids in no time.