Category Archives: current events

Brownline patriotism at its finest

The IAC 1090, hat's off - gent's As part of the continuing War on Terror – wherein our beloved government ensures we go to bed scared of our own shadow, major cities are securing their water supplies through deployment of the IAC 1090, Intelligent Aquatic Biomonitoring System.

Lt. Col. Matt Schofield, an environmental scientist at the U.S. Army Center for Environmental Health Research in Fort Detrick, Md., says, “Everybody drinks water, and the question of whether or not there’s a contaminant or a toxic substance in the water is very real.”

Each IAC 1090 contains 8 very patriotic Bluegill that endure a three week tour of duty sampling our water supply. In an era replete with $600 toilet seat covers, no need to ask where Haliburton the government recruits these finned patriots – or what’s the cost per pound…

Fish cough by flexing their gills to get rid of unwanted particles, like grains of sand, from their breathing passages. If the fish shows signs of distress in response to something in the water by coughing or increased activity, the system automatically trips an alarm, takes samples, and summons authorities by email and pager so that they can investigate whether there is a threat to humans. The cost of the system is between $45,000 and $110,000.

I’m sure they tried trout first, but exposure to normal tap water likely proved fatal. Given the flouride laced, estrogen cocktail served out of our spigot, only a hardened brown water fish could pull a tour of duty without cracking under the strain.

It’s definitely the water

Fishdoo If I’m growing my vegetables with fish crap – am I going to get the same curled upper lip when I mention it was Carp that made that Spinach?

Like people, the “good looking fish” get all the breaks – and fish with big tails, feelers, and roman noses, are relegated to a second tier of desirability – except for the Catfish, and only because 72 million Southerners insist on it.

I figure the next big outbreak of Ecoli will have everyone pointing at the Pikeminnow, while the Salmon responsible crap indiscriminately in your radishes.

Farmed fish effluent transformed by bacteria into fertilizer – feeding a hydroponic vegetable plot. It sounds like the best of both worlds; no Red dye #3 to taint the rockfish below, and no “trout chow” shoveled into the ocean causing oxygen deprivation and blight.

“Aquaponics” is still on the pricey side – and cannot compete with a ball of fish in the Ocean, but it doesn’t have all the detrimental side effects plaguing the large aqua-farms.

These demands make it tough to compete with foreign and industrial-scale aquaculturists on the metrics of price and size alone. (Luckily, the fast-growing vegetable crops are the primary moneymaker.) Cabbage Hill’s customers are mainly local restaurants and markets that prize what Ferry refers to as “farm-to-table” relationships. “These systems are fairly expensive,” Rakocy notes. “So you have to raise really high-value crops and look for niche markets.”

Now all you need is a hardy, fast growing fish that can thrive in tepid water, doesn’t migrate, and is content to munch stems and seeds, as we’re eating all the other stuff.

I suppose it wouldn’t be so funny if a couple fission clouds were the result

Coast Guard to the rescue The hideous part is no one is likely to believe their story. I’m still trying to determine if it’s the greatest fishing yarn ever told – or a someone’s worst nightmare.

I can’t possibly do the story justice – or embellish it, it’s too good already.

Weekend fishermen crash a 46′ WellCraft into a poorly lit Tuna pen in international waters, causing  incident with three different governments, and while the impasse unfolds – they break out the tackle and slurp tuna while gunboats and helicopters posture on the high seas?

I’d say they made the best of a bad situation, fortunately there’s plenty of pictures and narrative to substantiate the account.

Who wants to be a millionaire?

I just need a grubstake Wayne Mumford over at Willfishforwork.com sent me a quick note on the 2008 Northern Pikeminnow Sport Reward Program. Factoring in the special rules for September – all I need is a patron willing to front me a grubstake.

This ain’t Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel, I just need enough to keep me in beef jerky and foul cigars…

I considered getting a battered drift boat, painting it in eco-sensitive camouflage and rowing myself into the path of all that barbed death, but outside of a couple of sound bites from my hospital bed, there’s no money in it.

At $4 to $8 per nine inch fish, I can make a couple of folks a tidy fortune. Figure on a snappy logo and a rented storefront – and “Jelly’s Pikeminnow Guide Service and Brownline Flies” should be a cash cow.

For all them fellows that insisted I was “wasting my time with them crap fish” – consider the above prices makes a pound of Pikeminnow worth the equivalent of a pound of wild Salmon.

… now who’s laughing? Hmmm?

I was waiting for the two piece with fighting butt

Imagine the little golden haired angel tugging on your sleeve, you point dumpling towards the rest room while holding her Barbie Rod between thumb and forefinger, with the same enthusiasm you hold your spouse’s purse, scanning the horizon for any of the known “gossips” from your fishing club.

A minute later Sweetpea’s forgotten as you’re wrestling the North Carolina state record Channel catfish – armed with sequins, a pink bait caster, and little else.

“Hayes took the fishing rod and seconds later the toy hooked a state-record channel catfish, at 21 pounds, 1 ounce.”

Naturally when the cameramen show – you elbow Dumpling out of the way – forgetting, in your haste, that all your buddies will be taping every move on the 6:00 News.

That pained expression says it all, the sudden realization that your erstwhile pals will be calling you this evening when they decide on your new nickname.

It’s not going to be “Killer” or “BarbedWire,” and I don’t think it’ll be pretty.

Worse yet, how do you explain to the child, “it’s all downhill from here?”

Vindication, Now us Rubenesque types can wag finger

Food worth dying over Brownline authors are a sordid lot, living a half-life of darkened ritual, half truths, fawning groupies and poor diet..

Lectured repeatedly on how much Sodium my beef jerky contains, how the chocolate Old Fashioned is the work of Satan, and how countless well meaning health buffs with an unnatural interest in my colon would liberate me from chocolate and sprinkles. 

Now, a little payback is in order:

The Wake Forest School of Medicine report found that farm-raised tilapia contained higher levels of omega-6 fatty acids than foods like doughnuts and bacon.

Excessive levels of omega-6 fatty acids have been linked to a number of diseases, including heart disease, arthritis, osteoporosis, cancer, and depression.

So, after a long productive life enhanced by leafy greens and whole grains, you’re wheeled into my room – and while we both wait to expire -I assault you with tales of the glazed obscenity you should have ate instead of the eco friendly cardboard foisted on you at the health food store?

Sure, I’m headed for the “hot” place – but they got bacon there too ..

It’s Old School economics, and it’s never wrong

The BeFi Indicator, it's never wrong With the government tinkering with all the numbers, and the nightly news assaulting you with economic hardship typified by gas prices, foreclosures, and the decline of the US dollar, us fly fishermen are left in a quandary, is now the right time to buy a rod?

Us brown water specialists have lots of time to ponder on the really weighty issues, it’s the price of solitude – as the rest of you elitist sumbitches conspicuous consumers insists we fish downwind of everyone else.

The short answer is “NO”, now is not the time to be spending precious dollars on a luxury item, as according to the Brownline Economic Financial Indicator (BeFi, or “Beefy”) we’re in for an extended period of financial hardship.

Candy maker Hershey Co said on Friday it was raising U.S. prices by roughly 10 percent and warned that the higher cost of ingredients such as cocoa, corn sweetener, sugar and peanuts would weigh on profits.

The price of a Hershey’s with Almonds has predicted the ups and downs of the stock market with uncanny accuracy, and while the well coifed “suits” foaming from the safety of your television insist the Market is near a bottom, don’t believe it.

A 10% increase in the “Beefy”, means we’re at least 20 months from stability, and you’ll need that cash to pay for important staples like Whiting Saddles and fly floatant.

It’s the smile that’s the difference

I recognize that smile, it’s the one we all wore when we were younger, some of us still have it – but it’s largely absent from the print media.

Most covers feature some intently focused predator holding a flabby Salmo, whose truculent glare is undiluted by $100 sunglasses.  The guys in the advertisements don’t smile, the guys in the pinups are serious as death, and at best we get some half hearted grimace – because the fellow snapping the pic forgot to say “cheese.”

These guys … these guys are fishermen, Brownliners even – and the smile is the same on all our faces; wide as all creation, fulsome, packed with teeth, as we struggle to answer the question just asked of us …

“You gonna Eat that?”

The guy on the right caught it, the smile is the giveaway

That’s a purported world record carp pictured below, 260 pounds of toxin augmented muscle, with an IQ of at least Epsilon Semi-Moron, and probably has 14 different nicknames, one for each of the small children that vanished from lake’s edge.

Me, I let the fish go – the question’s answered by my actions, and the onlooker’s melt away.

The surge of adrenalin is wearing off, and the fellow on the right realizes he’s the sudden recipient of a lot of protein, and unless he has a really big family, he’ll need an even bigger shovel…

Dripping wet, standing in mud, and a smile as wide as all that, gotta love ’em.

I’m in the water mutating your villagers

My ticket to I’m never quite sure whether it’s penance or revenge, but another stud angler shows us the meaning of commitment when his ashes are mixed with 30 lbs of groundbait and tossed into the river.

It makes the “I went three days without deodorant” adventure story tame by comparison.

Mr Hodge’s widow Caroline and daughter Sally were the first to catapult balls of the bait into the River Huntspill to signal the start of an angling competition among Mr Hodge’s friends.

Brownliners don’t have friends, so I’ll have to settle for my executor randomly mailing jars of my corpulent frame to a list of fly shops I’ve prepared in advance.

With the canny marketing savvy of the Trout Underground, and his ” .. the label is irresistible, because I wrote it ” campaign, I should be decomposing in almost every blueline Mecca the “lower 48” offers.

Then again, Tom Chandler could be pulling my leg, and I wind up as a hand cleanser … It begs the question, “Which great unspoiled angling paradise do you want to get dumped in, and why?”

Somehow I think ” … so Donny Beaver can drink me” may be the populist refrain…

Nebraska’s 20 year plan for Hunter and Angler recruitment

Angling for recruits You’re a herd animal, and if you lose your fishing pals you’ll give up the sport entirely.

Can’t say I blame you much as most of my fishing is solo, it takes a special dementia to walk 3-4 miles back to the car in the dark, or wade risky water without anyone knowing your whereabouts.

Nebraska has published some of their plans for retention and recruitment of their hunters and anglers, and the above is just one of their findings.

If you’re enamored of fishing for more than one species, you’ll remain an angler longer and generate additional fees for the state’s coffers.

I say, “Welcome to the Brownline” – as it wouldn’t surprise me to see  emphasis on trophy warm water fisheries; migratory fish are in decline worldwide, there’s no more pristine water for fancy trout “farms”, and warm water fish are hardy, plentiful, and close to home.

Makes you wonder what would happen if they applied the traditional “single barbless catch and release only” restriction to a Largemouth fishery – and whether you’d allow your kids near the water’s edge …

If hunting and fishing are to increase in popularity,
public support is critical. Education and marketing
programs that portray the hunter and angler as the law
abiding citizens they are have not been effective. One
study by Responsive Management in 2003 suggested
the majority of our public still feels that most hunters
knowingly violate hunting laws and over one third of
Americans feel that “a lot” of anglers consciously violate
fishing laws.

… you’re also a poacher, which isn’t much of a sin considering the number of Jack Rabbits and Deer taken during “Steel Belted Radial” season.

All the states are struggling with the same phenomenon, the gradual gentrification of society and the slow erosion of the outdoor skill set, mostly because the outdoors is vanishing as well.

Findings like this will be watched carefully by the other 49 states, and it shouldn’t surprise us to see some commonality in their approach – especially if any are successful.