Category Archives: current events

My only concern is when food is dispensed from an aerosol can

Now with more GirlsSure your house is only worth half what it once was – but is it Salmon Safe? In my case I’d say “no” – based on how quickly I vacuumed that last carcass and the contented belly that resulted.

Salmon Safe refers to a Puget Sound organization that assists developers and land owners to adopt “salmon safe” environmental practices to ensure the effect of runoff and new construction has little impact to waterways.

It’s not all stern looks and clipboards, as Salmon Safe ensures microbreweries and wineries adopt similar guidelines. While the computer-beer makers fight over “tastes-great-less-filling” – we can take the moral high ground as we chug real hops and fling bottles into the river …

… they’re salmon safe too, right?

I see this type of “eco-consulting” as one of the next great business models. We’re not allowed to lower the population, and insist on roto-tilling all the remaining open space; if we expect to eat something more than “Soylent Green” – our needs will have to get modified enough to allow something else to prosper.

Briefly. Prosper. Until we stomp life out of it and smear on a cracker.

Game Over

The end of modern society Normally Singlebarbed waits until New Year’s Eve to wax sentimental, a combination of cheap rotgut and a friendly ear gets us out of our antisocial fantasy-world and reminds our pals why they shouldn’t invite us … anywhere.

Some things are just too earth shattering, too horrific to contemplate and will reshape the angling world forever.

Scientists have invented the “Sex Chip” to induce the combined pleasures of eating and the “raw nasty” into the human nervous system.

How is a full dress Jock Scott going to compete with that?

Outside of the entire economy falling to pieces, dwarfing anything seen in the Great Depression, somehow we’ll still want to drive 6 hours and sleep on the cold, hard ground – versus a recliner and taping down the Red Button?

An electronic machine, named the Orgasmatron, taken from the 1973 Woody Allen film Sleeper, is already under development by a North Carolina doctor, who is modifying a spinal cord stimulator to produce pleasure in women.

Lack of spousal sex drive drove many to seek solace in the woods, with Trout merely an available and willing surrogate. Now that “Poppa’s got a brand new bag,” are we fleeing in panic, or completely enraptured?

I see the bottom falling out of the tackle industry – most industries actually, and pioneer outdoorsman replaced by couch potatoes that no longer watch even the NFL.

“In 10 years’ time the range of therapies available will be amazing – we don’t know half the possibilities yet.”

… and you won’t if you hit that red button one more time …

Could Abel reels be a victim of Bernie Madoff

wallstreet The Drake has uncovered a link between one of the Madoff sons and the investment group that recently purchased Abel reels.

If the “Madoff” name is familiar it’s due to Bernie Madoff slurping 50 Billion dollars in what’s considered to be the largest Ponzi scheme ever uncovered.

Most of the details of the Madoff scam have yet to be unearthed, but some accounts have the Madoff sons as being swindled along with the rest of the crowd. Investigators are tight lipped – and the fear is Poppa Madoff had to have accomplices to pull the wool over so many for so long.

In either case, if you’re a big fan of Abel – you may want to keep a close eye on developments, as they might vanish overnight. You may want to get a couple spools beforehand.

A taste of the future pristine, so’s you can wax sentimental over its present

salmon_lifecycle It’s just another Brownliner saga where fellows turn up their nose and giggle about who’s got what on their waders – and how they wouldn’t be caught dead in the company of me or Roughfisher …

We get you don’t want us dating your sister, and are resigned to our fate, we were  just attempting to get you to peer over the rim of your latte’ and consider waters other than pristine.

We knew the lines would blur eventually.

… and did they ever – blurred with a vengeance. Now we’re able to enjoy the efforts of hundreds of noble salmon, while cloaked in water where we feel at home, the local sewage plant.

You can scoff at us from the safety of the guardrail – but the satisfying thump of large fish in an orgy of feeding, will be known only to the odiferous few.

The journey from Lake Michigan would have meant swimming through a shipping channel that bisects the ArcelorMittal steel mill and the BP oil refinery, then heading up the Grand Calumet River, through a shallow 700-foot stream that starts at the outflow pipe, then shooting 200 feet up a drain pipe that churns out more than 15 million gallons of water a day.

Once inside the plant, they laid eggs, which hatched into fingerlings that feed on microscopic daphnia — another creature known for dying off quickly when exposed to toxics common to wastewater — then grow and swim back out into the lake. Years later, mature fish return to the spot where they were laid to spawn again.

Baranyai, who started out shoveling sludge as a laborer more than 30 years ago, said watching the annual circle of life unfold in the unlikely environment has made him into a naturalist.

“At first, no one believed us,” said Baranyai, who sought experts to identify the species. “They said they must be carp, then they saw the pictures. Then they said we had salmon, but there was no way they were spawning here, but we had genetic testing that showed they were from the same breeding stock.

I’ll leave it to the magazines to butcher the flies we’re using, I’d be flirting with the boundaries of taste and risking my hard fought PG rating – but there’s tons of white marabou involved…

I’d think they could get some good answers studying the folks living under high voltage transmission lines

Magnets are a growth industry I’m a firm believer in science, I’m also firm in my belief that Walmart will own the technology before the first salmon return successfully…

Scientists are attempting to hack the magnetic signature in Salmon that cause them to return to their birth stream, hoping they can redirect fish to different streams and increase their rate of survival.

“We would set up a large magnetic-coil system that lets us dial in the precise magnetic field that we want,” he said. “Then we could take fish from a location where they still survive, raise them in the magnetic field of the tanks, and see if they go to the new river.”

It’s all hypothetical still, but if the Exxon Valdez smashed into an Alaskan peninsula soiling a couple dozen watersheds in the process, fry could be gathered as they migrate downstream and be “magneto-zapped” to return to the Klamath River in California, until them precious Alaskan rivers are restored to full health.

… of course the Klamath locals will enjoy fishing unlike anything ever seen before, and will protest their fry being “brain zapped” to return to  Alaska, but the theory is kinda sound, maybe …

Assuming all this works, someone in a white lab coat would zap a hatchery tank full of alevins to return to undammed, pristine waters enjoying the highest chance of survival. That person would then sell the information to us (if they were smart) as they can tell us which river and what year to be lieing in wait.

By then Walmart will have installed the gizmo in their parking lot to irradiate us continuously, sending us to whichever store has the most  unsold inventory, or we’re wandering around aimlessly wondering why we want a Tofu-Watermelon milk shake in Modesto, when we live 300 miles away.

Ready for the resurgence of Donny Beaver? Even the Brownliner’s won’t be safe as big city swells lease-option the toxic brown water so’s they can program monstrous salmon runs to the delight of their paying membership. Buying massive amounts of fry pre-programmed to return to a questionable waterway will be a simple “pay for play” transaction, accompanied by two or three years of fresh “No Trespassing” signs, resentment, and litigation.

“Home” is imprinted on all of us, and I’d guess Mother Nature uses a similar mechanism for all species – so it’s only a matter of time before some creep magnetizes the girl’s gym.

Perhaps the most important addition to your fly fishing arsenal

OptiFade was one of the best purchases I’ve ever made, and the discovery that dipping the gear in the Little Stinking’s effluent adds a watery sheen – has made it an integral part of my fly fishing arsenal.

OptiFade - the Deer's Eye View

OptiFade is a new optical pattern camouflage developed by the Gore-Tex folks, the picture at left shows what deer see.

I was able to borrow a prototype to attempt some carp sneakage, slipped in the creek and got the entire ensemble wet…

Apparently the unique combination of industrial effluents contained in the Little Stinking enhanced the land-based camo with a watery sheen, making me nearly invisible to the human eye.

Want Proof?

Me and Pal Tom, after the tour How about me standing next to Tom Chandler, after he’s revealed all his Upper Sacramento Secret Spots unknowingly…

It sure was cold that day, and I’m still feeling guilty Wally the Wonderdog got blamed for clipping Tom’s fine sandwich – but I was starving…

It appears that Gore-Tex is going to cut me in for a piece of the pie. Up till now I’ve held out the “mysterious formula” that makes the water-camo, faithful Singlebarbed readers will get a discount – but I want a piece of whatever you shoplift.

“Secrets of the Upper Sacramento” (as writ by hisself) available from Amazon.com – just in time for Christmas.

The first Catch and Release, artificial only, single barbless Brownline fishery – and I’m planting flag

Trophy Roundtail Chub The Ghost of Charles F. Orvis is rattling about in mock anguish and we’re unimpressed. He’s had his heyday and legion of devotees, now it’s time for a little rough and tumble – where last year’s Ford preempts the gleaming Eurotrash roadster, and brown water licks your boots…

I figured it had to be a western state with the foresight and gumption to make the first “Catch and Release, artificial fly and lure-only (single barbless hook) fishery” for Chub, mainly because half of the western states have run out of clean water – and the other half are busy seeding clouds or siphoning under the Rockies while acting innocent.

Yea, you saw that correctly … CHUB.

Little misunderstood, roman nosed trash fish hits the bigtime – and can the four star resort be that far behind?  Singlebarbed applauds the Arizona Game and Fish department – and confers upon them the  distinguished title of Official Patron of the Brown Arts.

It’s a clone of my Little Stinking, featuring the rare and endangered Colorado Pikeminnow, smallmouth bass, and a bevy of brownline beauties sought by nobody and scorned by everyone else.

Hell, I won’t even have to shower, – and the first trout I catch will be thrown up onto the bank to suffocate – along with all the other invasive species.

I’m going to race them lads over at Roughfisher.com and lay claim to this turf – figuring a couple dozen gaudy variations of traditional patterns, invent a couple insect families that don’t exist, and we’ll have him hitting the text books instead of signing the monstrous book deals, hugging debutantes for the Phoenix society column, or claiming the deluge of Chub rods that’ll sprout from them “suddenly-Brown” upscale vendors.

There’s two “L’s” in sellout, lads – now which of you can spare a breath mint?

Running downhill is easier, the Michael Phelps fish

Salmon smolts in dammed rivers have a higher survival rate than a free flowing watershed?

Surprisingly, smolts fared just as well negotiating the heavily dammed Columbia as they did going down the free-flowing Fraser. Comparing the rivers section by section, Chinook smolts traversing the dammed system actually had higher survival rates than their cousins in the Fraser. Adjusting estimates to consider the distance and time smolts had to migrate to reach the river mouth revealed that average survival rates were much higher for both species from the Snake River than for those in the undammed Fraser. In fact, no matter how they analyzed the data, the researchers reported, “survival is not worse in the Columbia despite the presence of an extensive network of dams.”

Plos Biology has published a paper outlining a recent study of downstream migrating salmon smolts that suggests dammed rivers enhance the survival rate of ocean-bound fish. A combination of factors are mentioned, but no conclusions are drawn.

A synopsis of the article has also been posted, absent the graphs and methodology.

They found some of the salmon – most just the length of a hot dog – could swim distances up to 2,500 kilometres in only a matter months, putting their pace at about a ‘Phelpsian’ two body lengths a second – a reference the researchers made to the record-setting Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps.

Considering Michael Phelps only had to keep it up for a minute or two, that’s some powerful biological programming.

Maybe we could see fit to bailout that exclusive branch of the Gallatin and call it a time share

Tim Blixeth and the Yellowstone Club I’m not feeling sorry for the folks involved but it’s remarkable that so many of these exclusive retreats end badly. The exclusive Yellowstone Club, home to exotic “cabins” of the rich and famous – and licensing a goodly chunk of a fork of the Gallatin, is the latest victim of circumstance.

Wrestled over in a contested divorce, owner Tim Blixseth ceded control to his ex-wife – after taking out a loan on the property of nearly 375 Million dollars.

Now they’re asking Montana for a 5 million dollar bridge loan to meet payroll and keep the premises operational.

They added that it “appears that a large portion of the $375 million loan … was diverted for non-Yellowstone Club purposes. Had the funds been properly used, it is likely that the Debtors (the club) would not find themselves in the position they do today.”

It’s certain I don’t possess all the facts, but in the current climate it appears to be fashionable to raise the “bailout” flag. Considering the $250,000 entrance fee and the $18,000 per year ongoing – I might suggest taking up a collection from the existing 320 members…

Blixseth’s luxe resort–which attracted as members the likes of Bill Gates and former Citigroup (nyse: C – news – people ) Chief Financial Officer Todd Thomson.

As often as not whatever premise imbued the enclave is lost after it’s sold the third or fourth time, the rich flee and the new owner carts in ferris wheels, waterslides, and the press of the vacationing public.

There’s an article surrounding Mr. Blixeth and the creation of the Yellowstone Club at the Wild Rockies Alliance site. I can’t attest to the facts outlined, but it appears the development has a rocky history.

I’d think before getting amorous with your catch

I hope it was Koi, the alternative is too ugly It’s the way of all things.

Climb to the top of the food chain over many decades of adversity then see it all undone by a promiscuous Koi?

The massive die off of Carp at California’s Clear Lake appears to be linked to someone dumping unwanted Koi, infected by Herpes. How the disease spread throughout the Carp population is still somewhat a mystery, but it may involve unprotected sex and a lot of drinking.

Water, most Likely.