Category Archives: current events

The fishing will be superb, just knowing the rest of you can’t

A brief public service message from your pals at Singlebarbed.

Set the rod down and back away slowlySaturday you must pay dues, you must grovel and endure hideous ritual, you must utter filthy words foreign to your vocabulary, and must prepare your tailbone for the obligatory Tom Hanks – Meg Ryan marathon.

More importantly you must not fish, because on the 364th day, She rested, and so must you.

You’ll be skulking through darkened streets hoping your buddies don’t see you hand in hand with the Missus.

They’ll be in line behind you at the Romantic Comedy Cineplex scanning the periphery for their buddies – and you’ll have a “Bro-mance” moment when you collide at the popcorn queue.

Sunday you can laugh at the other fellow’s stories – claiming all you had to do was split a diet coke and shake her hand. We know better, but aren’t about to rat you out – not with the crowd listening.

Me? After a long stint in the dentist’s chair fixing all those old fillings from my youth, and with the Doc scoring a “personal best” of 13 fingers in my gob at once, I’ve got enough Novocain residue in my face to feel invulnerable. I’ll be dodging bullets on the Holy Water – and if the reports sound familiar, I’ll pay them no mind, she couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with a scoop shovel.

.. and the 46% of you that forgot what Saturday was – no need to thank me ..

All Hail the coming of his Flaccid Porcine Awesomeness

Suck her down, Bro Terms like “girth”, “chunky” and “football”, sprayed at large fish by those lucky enough to have hooked an uncommon specimen. The rest of us nod, recognizing the use of reserved fishing superlatives.

So what are we going to call the exceptional blended farm-raised-wild strain of salmon?

Tom Gill of Dalhousie University told The Chronicle-Herald newspaper in Halifax said producers complaining to him about the texture of their farmed fish can blame themselves for adding fish oil to the salmon feed to increase their weight.

Some ponderous lard body rolls on your fly, giving you a brief and lethargic dead-weight squeal to your drag, then points itself at your feet and gasps in long sobbing wheezes, while drooling all over your shoe.

“So you can fatten the fish up and make them heavy in a hurry by feeding them a high-fat diet, but it gives you a really sloppy sort of soft texture,” he said. “If you’re feeding them a high-fat diet, it’s like feeding an individual on a diet of peanuts and potato chips only — of course they get flabby and soft, and that’s what happens to the fish.”

I’m thinking that this has to turn the angling world upside down. Noble Salmon reduced to crack-whore status, spurned by legions of former aficionado’s, and loved only by the Malibu physician administering celebrity facials. 

A “fatbody” isn’t getting up for the morning bite, it’ll be napping by midday, and will skip dusk in favor of the all night drive thru – where it won’t have to display it’s sickly, pale flesh to the gaze of bystanders.

In the latest incident, at the end of last week, 30,000 maturing 2.5kg (5.5lb) fish escaped from their cage in West Loch Roag, off the coast of Lewis, after a seal attack.

The escape, which was detected four days ago, comes at a time when wild salmon are approaching the rivers to spawn, meaning that there could be intermingling and genetic dilution of the wild fish. These are extremely fit creatures, swimming thousands of miles across oceans, then battling their way upstream.

If they spawn with the flabby, cage-reared fish, it is claimed that the offspring can be genetically weak and the wild salmon population, which is recovering after some very bad years, could be threatened.

The Association of Salmon Fishery Boards and the Rivers and Fisheries Trusts of Scotland are now preparing a formal complaint to the European Commission.

In the states, we’ve always asserted that “wild fish” were superior in every respect to their hatchery counterparts, but will that remain true? Hatchery fish have to make the same journey as a wild fish, imparting some common sense and muscle tone, with the addition of a flabby panting farm fish in the watershed – will we have a new respect for its pen reared migratory cousin?

… and will we invent new terms of endearment and prowess? “Half Pounders” refer to returning small steelhead, will we call the smaller farm fish a “quarter pounder with fleas?”

Will the “honor roll” of distinguished names; King, Chinook, Pink, Dog, Chum, and Silver, be augmented with the Butterball and Acne variants?

“I prefer the Butterball, less stretch marks on the fillet, and the timer pops out when it’s done.” 

Go ahead and giggle, a couple seasons from now that could be you talking.

Police identify thief in fancy carp burglary

The Thief is unrepentant Police in Suffolk, England have closed the books on a £10,000 theft of rare carp. Over the course of a few weeks 23 exotic Koi were stolen from a backyard pond.

Among the highly-prized fish which vanished from a home in Carlton Colville were three ghost koi carp worth £500 each, a three foot long orange fantail koi carp and a gold koi carp.

Police in Lowestoft feared that a professional thief had stolen them to order and issued this appeal: “Did you see anything suspicious in the area or have you been offered any similar fish since?”

No mention is made of stakeout, infrared sniper scopes, or surveillance, but the thief was observed lounging in a neighboring field, a well fed Great Blue Heron…

“Thankfully on this occasion an arrest wasn’t necessary.”

Here in the States, I’m sure the distraught owner would have insisted on a civil suit and a firing squad.

Retail woes continue unabated

layoff Our economic woes continue to devastate the sporting fraternity, with the “big box” stores taking it on the chin.

Orvis laid off an additional 30 employees from its Roanoke, Virginia operations, Eddie Bauer severed 198 employees as part of a 61 million dollar restructuring, and even Bass Pro has let go of 50 associates.

Calling the fourth-quarter retail environment “brutal,” Eddie Bauer also announced recently that it will reduce the size of its board from 10 to seven members and freeze salaries.

Frugality is “in”, and as I mentioned earlier, we’re just seeing the tip of the iceberg. Orvis’s Virginia operations were the source of many of its “tent sales”, which may affect the volume of tackle on eBay as well.

An economic “perfect storm” – record drought in the West, coupled with economic turmoil suggests trips will be fewer and earlier in the season, with the balance of the year handicapped due to low, warm water. The shops buttressed by guide revenue will not be immune.

Mix Blue and Brown and it still winds up Muddy

Oh, Dear! The Sacramento Bee reports that to maintain my Brownline status, I’ll have to move.

Tom Chandler over at the Trout Underground and Roughfisher are likely to accuse me of “selling out” – backed by numerous posts on how they didn’t like me anyways. Once they find out my beloved Little Stinking is being bandied about in the legislature to achieve “Wild and Scenic” river status, it’ll sort my pals from the camp followers …

It shows the steep decline in California waterways … we’re going to consecrate mud puddles next.

I can personally vouch for the wild and scenic thing; short of a bawdy house – it’s all floated by me, ricocheted off a nearby rock, or colored the air with decay, and I doubt I’ll be truly surprised by anything other than a tour guide pointing me out as the Old Man of the Sea-wage.

I did effluent before effluent was cool … and the stuff you’re wading in? Tame compared to what I used to walk through, why I remember back in .. ought 7, when …”

Maybe if I practice enough the nature crowd will toss me quarters, or slivers of sardine.

The unbreakable bond with my readership can withstand any hardship, now that they know I’ve been unknowingly victimized.

Perhaps after I donate my vast collection of graphite rods as freebie contest prizes, a few stalwarts might remain – I’ll need assistance on my conversion to bamboo rods and dry fly only, upstream presentation.

Actually, nothing’s changed. The headwaters of the Little Stinking have been nominated as has many hundreds of thousands of acres adjoining. There are already two wilderness areas designated along its path, and it appears a great deal of real estate upstream of me is included.

There may be a small silver lining, but the agribusiness of the lower river is sure to fight restrictions tooth and nail, perhaps they’ll no longer be allowed to direct their raw effluent into the drainage – or maybe they’ll let a little water through during the summer to simulate a permanent flow.

Then again – it may get new restrictions that prevent me from fishing it. Upstream counties close the Little Stinking along with normal trout season, only the effluent rich county I live in allows year round angling.

… and Tom, Slaw Dogs are a crime against humanity, not a suitable mascot for a “muddy” blog.

Names have been changed to protect the guilty

No, I'm the only loud fisherman in the room Row upon row of long faces trudge into the meeting room knowing the outcome is pre-ordained. The economic devastation wrought by the Wall Street mavens coupled with the cavalier treatment of debt by us consumers has finally rocked our little pond…

Management is just as solemn, there’s downcast gazes coupled with minute amounts of lint removed from sleeves, toes scuffing on carpets, and tacit admiration of ceiling tiles.

The Big Cheese clears his throat, ” … well the Governor has decreed we’re taking a 10% cut of your paychecks across the board…unless it’s an emergency – in which case you’ll work for free …”

Groans and teeth gnashing follow…

” The way it plays out, each of you will have the first and third Friday of the month off and will receive no pay.”

… and to the astonishment of the crowd, some portly, middle aged idiot in the back of the room exclaims, “Sweet!” – just a wee bit too loud, and as absolutely everyone swivels in their seat to stare holes through the offending SOB, he manages one last weak bleat, “Oh, I guess I’m the only fisherman in the room…”

The golfers were just as happy, only a “golf clap” makes less noise.

In your face and worse, in your lifetime

calendar We’ve seen a couple of decades of spittle and vitriol over the Right to Bear Arms, and many hunters are fishermen, can we assume we’ll offer as good a fight with legislators as the NRA?

We’ve mentioned the depletion of commercial fishing stocks in the ocean, how scientists predict the demise of almost all commercial fisheries by 2040 (based on our current consumption) – and a logical crisis “first step” will be to limit what everyone can catch.

The journal Science published a study by Felicia Coleman of Florida State University showing that anglers are the largest human threat for many species off America.

My question is, after all the posturing and rhetoric – after the Hollywood celebrities swear publicly they’re lifelong anglers, after lobbyists for Trout Unlimited, CalTrout, and other angling organizations wine and dine senators, and it’s all for naught, how are you going to spend your quota?

Joe Borg, European commissioner for maritime affairs and fisheries, said: “Control and enforcement of catch limits should be the cornerstone of the common fisheries policy. The future of sustainable fisheries requires us to replace a system which is inefficient, with one which can really produce results.” Under Borg’s plan, each EU state would be given a quota for each protected species. Governments would then divide this quota between commercial fishermen and anglers. Anglers would be banned from marketing their catches.

In the US we’re already prevented from marketing our catch, but the trend is plain. If the 2040 date is accepted as fact, most governments will ignore the issue until it’s too late, then clamp some Draconian legislation in place at the last moment. If you figure they’ll finally wise up about 20 years before the fish are gone, then the issue comes to a head in 2020.

Eleven years from now.

Now all those marine V-8’s and pleasure barges are hunting a freshwater venue – as they’ve used their allotment of salt water quarry by March, and if we give them a decade to start the same spiral in freshwater, it’s opening day of 2031, and you’re allotted 6 trout for the season.

Catch and Release may no longer be an option, because a 25% mortality rate is unacceptable.

We fought that legislation too – only we chose an aging Tom Cruise as spokesman – and he got Congress sidetracked on the whole Scientology thing and we lost. The decline in size of freshwater fish over the same 20 years, rendered those big stonefly nymphs illegal, and now anything over a #12 triples the mortality rate for trophy fish (11″ and longer).

So you’ve got 6 trout per season; do you go for the big dollar Montana trip – the cedar lodge, the grizzled guide, and use your entire quota in a single outing, or do you husband your quota until October – when the streams are deserted, and everyone else is working on their allotment of Pikeminnow and Suckers?

Take your time, you’ve got at least a decade to decide…

Free Willy IV – Willy starves to death and becomes odiferous mass on Southern California beach

willy The Sacramento Bee reports the National Marine Fisheries Service has compiled a draft “biological opinion” that may compel the California Department of Water Resources and U.S. Bureau of Reclamation to change reservoir operations, improve river habitat and divert less water from the Sacramento-San Joaquin Delta.

The 2004 version had a similar finding and was altered by the Bush administration to show fish would not be imperiled by existing operations, and were sued successfully by environmental groups.

The judge insisted that Interior department officials had violated the Endangered Species act by modifying the report.

Fishery biologists assert that the current system, whose emphasis is on water for people, does not provide enough cold water for spawning habitat in the Sacramento river. Climate change and increased population will magnify the effect.

It’s so bad that Killer whale’s are being added to the list of impacted species, due to the absence of Pacific salmon.

The report is scheduled for public release, March 2nd – with North-South fireworks to commence shortly thereafter.

Glampers and the 201K, reborn as Crampers

Leave it to some canny fellow from California to come up with a solution for the entire housing crisis using just “budget dust” from the TARP funds.

On the road again

This ushers in the age of “Jingle Mail“, sending the keys of your massively leveraged home to the mortgage company – along with some carefully chosen prose describing what they can do with it.

The Big Three automakers specialize in large, roomy SUV’s with indoor television and all the comforts of home. Your credit rating remains intact while the letter’s enroute, score a couple and make for the open highway.

Become an economic patriot…

“Glamping” died with Bernie Madoff, welcome to “Cramping” and the airy lifestyle of the modern American nomad.

The schools in Idaho and Montana are pretty good …

It only took them two weeks and 17 pages, Geniuses all of them

Secretary Chrisman likes to double down It’s the latest trend among those in power –  circumventing the normal political process with urgency replacing the painstaking scientific work, and when called to task for the crime,  blame the other fellow for not thinking for you.

The financial crisis in Washington has emboldening every political hack with a year or less on his term to “fast track” legislation, but there’s still no surrogate for careful planning and research, especially when it comes to Mother Nature.

Now them idiot cabinet secretaries appointed by Schwarznegger insist they can build the peripheral canal without asking the legislature or voters. For those out of state, the peripheral canal is California’s answer to keeping the desert in full bloom, tapping the Sacramento River in Northern California and swinging the water around the Delta to fill the faucets of Los Angeles.

It was soundly defeated by voters in 1982.

The bad news is that the move will continue the orderly destruction of the Sacramento river delta, and what little remains of the Chinook salmon run.

It’s only 15 Billion dollars, and since Schwarzenegger is already in Washington with hat in hand, and his state controller issuing proclamations of the state running out of money in 45 days, might as well “double down” on the handout. How else can they fund the project without asking voters?

I assume they figure no one will ask what was done with the cash, so what’s the worry.

I can’t make the case that urgency warrants bad legislation. The fact that “everyone else is doing it” sets a precedent, but it’s a shameful one. We’d hoped we were electing our best and brightest, instead we got another set of clowns that copied someone else’s homework.