Been poring over the statistical data for angling, hoping to answer some Singlebarbed Lonely Hearts Dating service questions. How come I haven’t posted more fetching bikini shots? Simple, I didn’t want to get your hopes up – we respect you too much…

The important statistics first; you better like fried chicken and potatoes, because 70% of the female angling population lives in the South and Midwest.

For them as lives in the West and East, you have the remaining 30% to pick from. This is all women anglers – not merely the pretty ones…

Grandma might not be bikini material but blow her a kiss anyway’s, if catching is slow, it’ll still make her day.

Women anglers want dinner, none of this catch and release silliness,  they’re fishing to put food on the table; Halibut, Sole, Flounder, is preferred by 22% of women. It also could be that the price for flatfish is higher, proof that even though there is less of them, they are still smarter than us.

81% of the women surveyed are freshwater bound, 24% are saltwater anglers, 5% consider themselves both.

Of the freshwater species, trout is last. More a reflection of locale than anything else, but it may also be easier to sunbathe from a black bass boat then sweat your way into the back country on foot.

For the Gold-digging Male Angler: only 11% of women anglers make an income of $50,000 or more, so you can forget about marrying into thousands of acres of prime trout stream, you’ve a better chance of financial liquidity by marrying her daddy. No statistics are available on inheritance prospects of women anglers, unfortunately.

Women age 16-34 go fishing 10 times a year, after age 34 they fish only 9 times a year. Women who have graduated college fish 7 times a year, they are smarter than us.

You Guys Are Swine Department: Women 45-54 spend more dollars on tackle than any other age group.  Oh, now that her looks are going, and she raised your kids – she has to buy her own rod? Men are pigs.

In summary, stick with your current spouse, lose the indignant at her requirement that you get your dirty shorts out of her sink, buy her a rod instead.

Technorati Tags: women angler statistics, national fishing statistics, fishing supermodels

Ok, I had to learn the hard way. Sudden spike in readership based on my ability to turn the Phrase Lyrical, not. Increase in hits because of the natural comparison between my prose and Shakespeare, not.

I apparently touched on a nerve and have found my readership’s sweet spot. Unfortunately it has nothing to do with me.

That’s ok, I won’t take it personal – at least not until you turn your back…

I had to endure those silly motivational posters festooning the hallways for the better part of a decade. The resentment runs deep.

For those that inquired, the web site is Despair.com – the Do It Yourself (DIY) tab at the top allows you to provide a picture and caption for them as wants to roll your own.

What do you follow soft porn with? Profuse apologies…

Technorati Tags: despair.com, motivational poster, bikini

Here is the final piece of the puzzle, we can muzzle the wife’s objections and defang PETA all at the same time.

Animal shelters are adopting “Catch and Release” regulations. More importantly, we have the moral responsibility to catch fish, it’s no longer good enough to simply like torturing them, now we need to…

“… If we put them in a cage and we don’t interact with them, we slowly drive them crazy.”

The meaning is clear, pour them silver hatchery fish in the creek, then hook snot out of them so they don’t get their feelings hurt. My God, I love science.

Technorati Tags: peta, pets, catch and release, fishing

Sold Out Online? I can’t believe this stuff sells at all…Next time don’t remove the rock in your wading shoe, as it may be the source of your angling weight loss.

An enterprising fellow has developed “Micro Wobble” technology, guaranteed to slim those unsightly bulges in thighs and hips, making your legs both gorgeous and muscular.

Ripefish compliments fellow anglers all the time, it’s the source of most of our black eyes… “Oh my god, Bob – have you been working out?”

Anglers have known about micro-wobble and macro-wobble for years, just wade any stream with a greasy cobble bottom, and you’re wobbling from start to finish. Felt soles merely enhances that affect, cleats allow you to wobble with more authority.

Enter the “Fit Flop” sandal, I dare not say more for fear of giggling.

“The FitFlopTM destablizes the foot slightly, creating a more continuous tension in the supporting muscles of the foot and leg.”

That sure sounds like the Upper Sacramento to me, if I get in too deep the tension is not confined merely to the calf, will I make it to the bank, or am I about to become another holiday statistic…

The space program generated most of the rod materials and synthetics used by today’s tackle, should it stop there, shouldn’t us taxpayers get the hand-me-downs from the military as well?

We paid billions for their research and development, it’s time we reap the benefits.  Carbon Fiber made significant advances to fly fishing, but will pale in comparison to what “smart” technologies can offer.

Anglers can now fish from bridges, parking lots, and the front seat of their car – any vantage offering line of sight to the prey. Catch and Release fishing becomes surgical and precise. Once painted with the laser, spooked, large trout will find no refuge in undercut banks and instream log debris.  Precision guidance ensures the minimum of collateral damage to undesirable coarse fish and hungry fingerlings.

Entertain and delight your friends with “nose-cam” replays, watch in amazement as large, heretofore uncatchable trout, say obscene unmentionable things to your inbound Cam-Head Green Drake emerger.

Unnatural and  unsportsmanlike? I think not, Osprey having been using much of this technology for years.

Ok, so vitamins are good for you, and fish oil is purported to be the best. If I release a half dozen fish on my last trip, will that heal the karma associated with grinding up one million menhaden to soothe my colon?

I’m all for the “modern american diet” featuring a plethora of pills I take with breakfast, dinner, to wake up, go to sleep, to make my girl look doubly so… I get all that, but when the stern-father-figure diety stares down at me, claiming I swallowed six million krill per day, I think the Devil will be chuckling in the background.

I was thinking that maybe them six trout deserve to die. Not sure how many souls all them krill have, but it sounds like plenty.

So do I spin the landing net into a tight ball and squeeze? I got room for a highball glass in my vest, mixed with a little branch water, 8″ of trout is liable to have my daily dose of something..

I meant besides algae…

I don’t think I can complain about my girl’s perm’s anymore without blushing. Sure, they are 12 times what my haircut costs, but if she got one every month, it would be less than equipping her with fly gear.

Assume I want to take the plunge and equip my “better half” with quality gear, yet not go overboard should she not like the sport. The exception will be rod choice as I may be fishing it instead…

Rod: Sage 9.0′ 5wt “Z-Plane” = $590.00 Reel: Loomis Venture 5 and X-Tra spool= $150.00 Line: Scientific Anglers Mastery WF5F, WF5F/S, $59.00 ea = $118.00 Vest: Simm’s Freestone Mesh = $79.00 Waders: Simm’s Freestone Waders = $200.00 Boots: Simm’s Freestone Boot = $80.00 Accessories: 5 leaders (@3.75ea) 3 tippet (5x/6x/7x)($7.95ea), nippers and pliers (@8.00ea), flyboxes (2 @ 20.00ea), floatant and indicators (4.00ea) = $108.00 Flys: an anemic 4 doz dries (@ 1.90 ea) and 4 doz nymphs (@ 1.90 ea) = $182.00 License: $35.00 Subtotal: $1542.00 Tax: $131

Grand Total: $1674.00 (for her)

Let’s contrast that with what you’re wearing. Upgrades to the above totals as follows:

Rod: Winston WT Rod 9.0′ 6wt = +$5 Reel: Ross Evolution #2 & Xtra Spool= +$350 Vest: Simms G3= +$100 Waders: Simms Rivertek (Large) = +$80.00 Boots: Patagonia Riverwalker= +$50 Accessories: 10 extra leaders, 3 extra flyboxes (@40.00 ea) 3 extra tippet spools (last years @8.00 ea) = +$190.00 Flys: +32 dozen = +$730.00 Subtotal: +$1500 Tax: $127 Total (Extra only) = $1627,

Grand Total = 1627+1674= $3300.00 (for you)

I’m not sure what fraction of the angling public is wearing that much Bling, but I have met many anglers that are wearing a lot more. It amazes me how fast this stuff adds up. 

You can all breath a big sigh of relief, we are not numbers junkies.

I was pressed into service by my girlfriend to find some odd vitamin, and wound up touring the Health section of assorted women’s magazines. They are number junkies, not us.

So I may remember how many fish I caught, they remember how much each fish cost. I see how that is possible after enduring; “13 ways for better sex, 12 things to pamper yourself, 10 new shoes you can’t live without, 23 new intimacy secrets, and 427 ways to torture your husband.”

Two can play this game. The opportunity presented itself when (#428), “That’s your third slice of pie” rang across the dinner table. Rather than act guilty, dropping the offending slice as if stung, I reached for a fourth slice with, “The daily bag limit is two, but four in possession.”

It was them numbers that threw her, she wasn’t used to having a sword at a gunfight.

Notice how their eyes glaze over when you mention, “…the 427R produces a mind blowing 550 horsepower with 535 foot pounds of torque..” – they are number driven, yet those numbers can’t be added. You have them at your mercy, backpeddaling frantically, move for the kill…

“In fact, Dear – the latest version of their Generation 5 (G5) High Modulus IM8 blanks, offers unparalled thrust-to-weight ratio, presenting #18-#2/0 flies delicately at 25ft, add 14% Boron helical filaments …. and… its 23% off on sale!”

You know how the game is played, now go get that Boat, Sailor!

It may come as no surprise but the publishers at Intermedia Outdoors are Vegan,  meatless – it’s the only explanation. Every cover features a model that feels he must pose with a yard of large trout emanating from his crotch.

We’ve silently endured “The Pose” for years; heroic figure, semi-crouched in water, large fish gripped with both hands, fullsome white-toothed smile that beckons the unwary with, “If you buy me and exhalt me above all others, this too can be you.”

If the advertising geniuses at Fly Fisherman figure the battle is won or lost in the magazine rack of the supermarket, then get some scantily clad supermodels into the mixture – that way you can compete with “NASCAR Honey” on a level playing field… and if Madison Ave must intrude, then give us some quality content to match.

I am ill prepared for the guy selling me waders to ask, “Do you dress to the left, or to the right?”  Questions abound, how often must I floss to achieve the “cover” smile? – are padded shoulders on my vest considered tacky?

I can’t afford to look like a beginner by responding, “Dress, Huh? Whassat?”

In addition to salmo-endowment, models-as-anglers have no visible sweat, dirt, or any real proof that they caught the fish they are holding. These pictures are doctored, possibly even “enhanced” as did Playboy – via liberal use of an airbrush. If they clean the grime off the cap would they hesitate to stretch the fish six additional inches?

I have been lucky to catch one or two large trout – in a lifetime of angling. These covers trivialize that magic moment – no sign of sweat from chasing the beast down river, no wetness from a fall into the water at the dead run, no panting uncontrollably – as adrenaline flushes out of your system, and no exultation – knowing this is a fish of a lifetime.

Instead we get “trout porn” – featuring models antiseptically clean, flawless white smile, heroic pose.

I am resigned to a prominent bulb of masking tape on my sunglasses, small fish, sand kicked in my food at the beach, and the ridicule of the reigning angling nobility.

No, Mr Leo Hindery, owner of both Fly Fisherman and Guns & Ammo, my money shall not be added to your coffers, and if you lack sausage, buy a pizza.

Of course there isn’t cardboard in Pork Buns, they shot the last fellow that tried that.  Taking a page from the Chinese, had there been fishermen in charge, we would have done the same thing to Bernie Ebbers, and all them Enron executives . To make the punishment uniquely American, it would have been a Pay-Per-View event.

No, what they need to test for cardboard is the heat-lamped Egg McMuffin.

Every fisherman I’ve met has a horror story of a pre-dawn indignity, perpetrated on their tastebuds by an unfeeling teenager, grinning wickedly from an armored McDonald’s window.

Like you, I wear the scars. Scalding black, coffeelike-substance, spilt on crotch or thigh,  in a vain attempt to restore breathing after swallowing the egg-cardboard combo while doing 70+ in a 55 zone. 

Fisherman and non-fisherman alike will agree that too big a bite of an Egg McMuffin, where you get part of the box in the mouthful, will not change the flavor of the completed sandwich.

That’s proof enough for me. I don’t want sympathy or legal action, a front row seat will do fine.