Sold Out Online? I can’t believe this stuff sells at all…Next time don’t remove the rock in your wading shoe, as it may be the source of your angling weight loss.

An enterprising fellow has developed “Micro Wobble” technology, guaranteed to slim those unsightly bulges in thighs and hips, making your legs both gorgeous and muscular.

Ripefish compliments fellow anglers all the time, it’s the source of most of our black eyes… “Oh my god, Bob – have you been working out?”

Anglers have known about micro-wobble and macro-wobble for years, just wade any stream with a greasy cobble bottom, and you’re wobbling from start to finish. Felt soles merely enhances that affect, cleats allow you to wobble with more authority.

Enter the “Fit Flop” sandal, I dare not say more for fear of giggling.

“The FitFlopTM destablizes the foot slightly, creating a more continuous tension in the supporting muscles of the foot and leg.”

That sure sounds like the Upper Sacramento to me, if I get in too deep the tension is not confined merely to the calf, will I make it to the bank, or am I about to become another holiday statistic…

The space program generated most of the rod materials and synthetics used by today’s tackle, should it stop there, shouldn’t us taxpayers get the hand-me-downs from the military as well?

We paid billions for their research and development, it’s time we reap the benefits.  Carbon Fiber made significant advances to fly fishing, but will pale in comparison to what “smart” technologies can offer.

Anglers can now fish from bridges, parking lots, and the front seat of their car – any vantage offering line of sight to the prey. Catch and Release fishing becomes surgical and precise. Once painted with the laser, spooked, large trout will find no refuge in undercut banks and instream log debris.  Precision guidance ensures the minimum of collateral damage to undesirable coarse fish and hungry fingerlings.

Entertain and delight your friends with “nose-cam” replays, watch in amazement as large, heretofore uncatchable trout, say obscene unmentionable things to your inbound Cam-Head Green Drake emerger.

Unnatural and  unsportsmanlike? I think not, Osprey having been using much of this technology for years.

Ok, so vitamins are good for you, and fish oil is purported to be the best. If I release a half dozen fish on my last trip, will that heal the karma associated with grinding up one million menhaden to soothe my colon?

I’m all for the “modern american diet” featuring a plethora of pills I take with breakfast, dinner, to wake up, go to sleep, to make my girl look doubly so… I get all that, but when the stern-father-figure diety stares down at me, claiming I swallowed six million krill per day, I think the Devil will be chuckling in the background.

I was thinking that maybe them six trout deserve to die. Not sure how many souls all them krill have, but it sounds like plenty.

So do I spin the landing net into a tight ball and squeeze? I got room for a highball glass in my vest, mixed with a little branch water, 8″ of trout is liable to have my daily dose of something..

I meant besides algae…

I don’t think I can complain about my girl’s perm’s anymore without blushing. Sure, they are 12 times what my haircut costs, but if she got one every month, it would be less than equipping her with fly gear.

Assume I want to take the plunge and equip my “better half” with quality gear, yet not go overboard should she not like the sport. The exception will be rod choice as I may be fishing it instead…

Rod: Sage 9.0′ 5wt “Z-Plane” = $590.00 Reel: Loomis Venture 5 and X-Tra spool= $150.00 Line: Scientific Anglers Mastery WF5F, WF5F/S, $59.00 ea = $118.00 Vest: Simm’s Freestone Mesh = $79.00 Waders: Simm’s Freestone Waders = $200.00 Boots: Simm’s Freestone Boot = $80.00 Accessories: 5 leaders (@3.75ea) 3 tippet (5x/6x/7x)($7.95ea), nippers and pliers (@8.00ea), flyboxes (2 @ 20.00ea), floatant and indicators (4.00ea) = $108.00 Flys: an anemic 4 doz dries (@ 1.90 ea) and 4 doz nymphs (@ 1.90 ea) = $182.00 License: $35.00 Subtotal: $1542.00 Tax: $131

Grand Total: $1674.00 (for her)

Let’s contrast that with what you’re wearing. Upgrades to the above totals as follows:

Rod: Winston WT Rod 9.0′ 6wt = +$5 Reel: Ross Evolution #2 & Xtra Spool= +$350 Vest: Simms G3= +$100 Waders: Simms Rivertek (Large) = +$80.00 Boots: Patagonia Riverwalker= +$50 Accessories: 10 extra leaders, 3 extra flyboxes (@40.00 ea) 3 extra tippet spools (last years @8.00 ea) = +$190.00 Flys: +32 dozen = +$730.00 Subtotal: +$1500 Tax: $127 Total (Extra only) = $1627,

Grand Total = 1627+1674= $3300.00 (for you)

I’m not sure what fraction of the angling public is wearing that much Bling, but I have met many anglers that are wearing a lot more. It amazes me how fast this stuff adds up. 

You can all breath a big sigh of relief, we are not numbers junkies.

I was pressed into service by my girlfriend to find some odd vitamin, and wound up touring the Health section of assorted women’s magazines. They are number junkies, not us.

So I may remember how many fish I caught, they remember how much each fish cost. I see how that is possible after enduring; “13 ways for better sex, 12 things to pamper yourself, 10 new shoes you can’t live without, 23 new intimacy secrets, and 427 ways to torture your husband.”

Two can play this game. The opportunity presented itself when (#428), “That’s your third slice of pie” rang across the dinner table. Rather than act guilty, dropping the offending slice as if stung, I reached for a fourth slice with, “The daily bag limit is two, but four in possession.”

It was them numbers that threw her, she wasn’t used to having a sword at a gunfight.

Notice how their eyes glaze over when you mention, “…the 427R produces a mind blowing 550 horsepower with 535 foot pounds of torque..” – they are number driven, yet those numbers can’t be added. You have them at your mercy, backpeddaling frantically, move for the kill…

“In fact, Dear – the latest version of their Generation 5 (G5) High Modulus IM8 blanks, offers unparalled thrust-to-weight ratio, presenting #18-#2/0 flies delicately at 25ft, add 14% Boron helical filaments …. and… its 23% off on sale!”

You know how the game is played, now go get that Boat, Sailor!

It may come as no surprise but the publishers at Intermedia Outdoors are Vegan,  meatless – it’s the only explanation. Every cover features a model that feels he must pose with a yard of large trout emanating from his crotch.

We’ve silently endured “The Pose” for years; heroic figure, semi-crouched in water, large fish gripped with both hands, fullsome white-toothed smile that beckons the unwary with, “If you buy me and exhalt me above all others, this too can be you.”

If the advertising geniuses at Fly Fisherman figure the battle is won or lost in the magazine rack of the supermarket, then get some scantily clad supermodels into the mixture – that way you can compete with “NASCAR Honey” on a level playing field… and if Madison Ave must intrude, then give us some quality content to match.

I am ill prepared for the guy selling me waders to ask, “Do you dress to the left, or to the right?”  Questions abound, how often must I floss to achieve the “cover” smile? – are padded shoulders on my vest considered tacky?

I can’t afford to look like a beginner by responding, “Dress, Huh? Whassat?”

In addition to salmo-endowment, models-as-anglers have no visible sweat, dirt, or any real proof that they caught the fish they are holding. These pictures are doctored, possibly even “enhanced” as did Playboy – via liberal use of an airbrush. If they clean the grime off the cap would they hesitate to stretch the fish six additional inches?

I have been lucky to catch one or two large trout – in a lifetime of angling. These covers trivialize that magic moment – no sign of sweat from chasing the beast down river, no wetness from a fall into the water at the dead run, no panting uncontrollably – as adrenaline flushes out of your system, and no exultation – knowing this is a fish of a lifetime.

Instead we get “trout porn” – featuring models antiseptically clean, flawless white smile, heroic pose.

I am resigned to a prominent bulb of masking tape on my sunglasses, small fish, sand kicked in my food at the beach, and the ridicule of the reigning angling nobility.

No, Mr Leo Hindery, owner of both Fly Fisherman and Guns & Ammo, my money shall not be added to your coffers, and if you lack sausage, buy a pizza.

Of course there isn’t cardboard in Pork Buns, they shot the last fellow that tried that.  Taking a page from the Chinese, had there been fishermen in charge, we would have done the same thing to Bernie Ebbers, and all them Enron executives . To make the punishment uniquely American, it would have been a Pay-Per-View event.

No, what they need to test for cardboard is the heat-lamped Egg McMuffin.

Every fisherman I’ve met has a horror story of a pre-dawn indignity, perpetrated on their tastebuds by an unfeeling teenager, grinning wickedly from an armored McDonald’s window.

Like you, I wear the scars. Scalding black, coffeelike-substance, spilt on crotch or thigh,  in a vain attempt to restore breathing after swallowing the egg-cardboard combo while doing 70+ in a 55 zone. 

Fisherman and non-fisherman alike will agree that too big a bite of an Egg McMuffin, where you get part of the box in the mouthful, will not change the flavor of the completed sandwich.

That’s proof enough for me. I don’t want sympathy or legal action, a front row seat will do fine.

I confess to  being disappointed that the Pope invalidated all of the religious doctrine of my youth and middle years. Finding out at this late stage that the “Church of Monday Night Football” was not legitimate made me realize that the dues paid that institution was for naught.

Maturity aided me in selecting a better ecuminical choice, as I became a devout fisherman. While I recognize Izaak Walton is not a diety, since Watergate, faith in anything is a liability.

I will take small exception to the Pope’s comment on other religions, “.. they do not have apostolic succession – the ability to trace their bishops back to Christ’s original apostles.” – If memory serves, the NFL drafts new Bishops each year, amid countless Matthews, Marks, Lukes and Johns…

I get that Pope Benedict is a soccer fan, but I thought all popes fished, why else would they wear the Fisherman’s Ring?

Remember the reoccuring cubicle-induced-dream of retiring and fishing whenever possible? With prudent financial planning that is a real possibilty, but the active element of retirement is the old part.

Not the good kind of old, like Hardy reels, bamboo rods and fine wine, the bad kind – where you squint to see a dry fly, and give up changing your fly at twilight.

In the waning hours of the evening, I force feed fish,  ignoring everything the fish and insects are telling me – with the hope that one more stupid fish remains, who will eat my #8 Bird’s Stone thinking it was a well developed #18 mayfly.

I need glasses. Unfortunately, lots of them.

I need a magnifying set to tie flys, I need a polarized set for harsh sun conditions, I need a magnifying polarized set for waning sun, and a clear magnifying lens as darkness approaches. I need a system that keeps them close without entangling them in my vest, I need inexpensive, so that I can lose them in the water, torn from my grip by tree branches, or left on a car hood at night.

What’s needed is Viagra for vision, make that we need it, as you’ll walk in my shoes soon enough. Chemical treatment may have untoward side effects, as your fishing friends will insist that when afflicted with “…effects lasting more than 4 hours” – you get your own room.

I have an appointment with an optomitrist and am assembling a kit to demonstrate what I need them bifocals to do. I expect the same puzzlement and shrug as last time, so I am playing the Viagra trump card…”it’s been 4 hours Doc, wanna see it?”

I am counting on the receptionist diving clean through the sliding glass window..