Author Archives: KBarton10

The Faces of Genius: Chartreuse Unknown

As much as we’d like it to warn us, great flies have no aura about them when removed from the vise, no halo to clue its creator to cease embellishment, as his creation will be the bane of local gamefish for the next couple of decades.

We’ve taken it for granted we can spot fishy potential and great colors, most of us have fly boxes bulging with imitation bug parts, gooey soft textures, and colors dripping with authenticity.

The fact we carry so many is clue that we really can’t tell what a fish thinks, likes, or eats.

To remind me that I know nothing of fish vision, let alone what stimulates taste, I would add special flies to my driver’s side sun visor. Flies that caught 20” fish and those whose consistent greatness had earned them a place in what would become a testimonial to what large wary fish preferred …

… and why gooey textures, feelers, and bug parts didn’t appear in any of the really successful flies, most of which didn’t even look buggy to my eye.

chartreuse_unknown

Chartreuse floss body overwrapped with fine copper wire, no particular pattern – just lay on forty turns until about half the chartreuse has been covered. Two turns of dark partridge hackle and a grizzly tail completes this unknown work.

… no eyeballs, no individual legs, and a primary color that you’d be hard pressed to find in Mother Nature…

No name that I can remember, given to me by a client that swore by it, and after my lip curled uncontrollably, I let him try it just so he’d stop fidgeting with his flies and start fishing all my better ideas.

… fortunately we didn’t need any of my flies.

Tied in sizes from #10 – #14, he mentioned how he’d assumed the fish ate it as a green caddis.

As I’ve recently unearthed the box of flies I removed from that visor, I figured to share some of the nameless patterns you’ll never see in any fly shop, just to give those that are struggling with invention a glimpse of pure death – and how little refinement and entomology is really needed.

We got brown bugs, they got brown bugs … which is why old flies persist

Fiddling with classics Every fly fisherman has their moment. A big fish lounging in the shallows and a favorable breeze leaves the fly just where you want, floating idly down to the ravenous white maw below. Some are unfortunate enough to get a head-bob, or flare of fins upwards, some even see greatness coming up through the water column on an intercept, only to be thwarted by some imaginary hair out of place, or the unseen pull of drag.

Fly tiers have their moment too. Despite beginner vise and too-thick thread, poorly lighted kitchen table and recalcitrant grizzly hackle, somehow perfection comes of adversity. Proportions correct, body graceful and tapered, no glue obscuring the eye – and if wasn’t for the yellow saddle hackle tail, which substituted for brown, it might be the best fly you’ve ever tied.

Naturally you rushed to show Sensei, the relative or friend that got you into this cash-hemorrhaging hobby, whose wise council is sought on all major purchases and fly related topics, and rather than being appreciative, he becomes irate and indignant.

That’s not an Adam’s, an ADAM’s does not have a yellow tail, an Adam’s has on occasion an all-brown tail, sometimes a mixed grizzly and brown tail, but never … and I mean NEVER … does a fly as noble and historic as an ADAM’s sport a goddamn yellow tail.

( … fly then tossed onto table top like the Unclean thing.)

For the burgeoning fly tier it’s a crushing experience, no one noticed it was technically perfect, a fact ignored in the great upwelling of indignity resulting from experimenting with a time honored classic. No pause in the backlash oratory to claim innocence, the yellow used only because you lacked brown hackle long enough …

The sting of that experience destined to stifle creativity for years …

As odd as it sounds, it may be one of the common questions asked by a fledgling tier, “… when is it OK to invent your own flies?”

It would be safe to say that most fly fishermen learn to cast and fish before learning to tie flies. Those two disciplines will give the angler experience in the forces destined to tear flies apart, and give an appreciation for some of the attributes flies require, like an eye clear of  hair, glue, or foreign substance.

Knowing why each component of the fly exists and the qualities it lends to making the pattern successful would be beneficial, as would the ability to secure the component correctly, ensuring some knowledge of stressors and points of fragility may be necessary as well.

As learning to tie flies is a study in substitution, considering the thousands of colors and materials we’ll accumulate, the last element would be some expertise in the materials themselves, so you can substitute freely, or tinker with patterns and evolve them into your style of fishing more effectively.

Which hair floats, which synthetics are tough and resist tearing, which feathers are stiff and resilient and can be used for tails. Expertise at this level comes from a lifetime of fishing and tying, and as knowledge grows so will the degree of tinkering.

… with only the sting of our first accidental foray to haunt us.

After many years of blind adherence to pattern books and featured flies in magazines, what actually makes a great fly is still unknown. There’s no visible qualities that distinguish an experimental from a time-honored classic, nothing to denote why an Elk Hair Caddis is found in every fly shop when something similar isn’t.

What’s surprising is that nationwide adoption has no real criteria other than good marketing and commercial availability. Which is why eastern dry flies continue to dominate every shop’s dry fly selection, even if the original insects don’t exist on the West coast, or the western variety is of different color.

How fast those classic fly bins empty is a function of perceived beauty, or perceived buggy-ness, and has little to do with local bugs and its real world efficacy.

We got brown bugs, they got brown bugs … which is why old flies persist.

Thankfully fish are stupid, which is why cigarette butts are struck as often as Female Cahill’s tied with the yellow egg sacs, and fish eat flies twice the size of those hatching, which keeps us aging starlets in the game.

In short, a new tier should start experimenting once he’s learned how to mechanically build a fly, and should feel free to start fresh or alter classic flies regardless of their history and legacy.

… and the opinions of their buddies, who’ll feel entitled to free flies for life anyways.

Fly tying is already hard enough with plenty willing to heap scorn on your best efforts. Too many tiers remain constrained and dormant assuming that a classic pattern will catch more fish than a wild idea spawned by a curl of colorful floss and a dash of whimsy.

Make millions leveraging the power of the Internet

It’s a familiar story, late night infomercial hawks guaranteed millions using system of made-for-you websites that will make merchandise fly off shelves and change your life forever.

What you get is some search engine optimized website with a web crawler that searches the entire Internet for pages that contain keywords, like “trout” or “dry fly” – and when you get a match you harvest the page and put it on your site, sometimes even claiming you authored it.

Now with hundreds of pages of “free” content you start selling stuff …

… like Coachmen Motor homes …

More than one exists?

… actually you’re skimming existing sales from other sites and eBay, but harvesting all that goody without any real intelligence or discrimination yielded 13 pages of dry flies, etched cocktail glasses, tweed ties, and enough drink coasters to tile a couple of bathrooms.

… and the occasional motorhome.

As this “guaranteed” system probably allows you to call the Help Desk to guide you through depositing dump trucks full of money, you might ask them to refine the search criteria to at least get content of similar genre.

Tough when your website of guaranteed riches stumbles onto someone else’s reserved word.

Franken-fly … and he’s got little tiny studs in his neck

The Wastewater Stone, the Squalid Most of you recognize that noble profile, that harbinger of clean water, the stonefly, hisself …

What you don’t know is this stonefly came out of my soiled little creek, the product of “kitchen table” genetic engineering.

Grab some adult females from the Pristine, squeeze the arse end into a vial, mix with a proprietary blend of fertilizer and toilet water and toss into your favorite dirty little creek. The law of averages suggests an unknown chemical cocktail will gestate a half dozen mutations, and if none eat you, it’s viable as brood stock.

As everyone is hopping on the Skwala bandwagon, naming every darkish, smallish stonefly found in wintertime a  “Skwala” – I’m calling mine a “Skwalid”, to distinguish it’s taste for brown water and the hearty genes necessary to tolerate agricultural waste.

In France and Italy it’s vineyards or olives. Generations of careful grafting and documented lineage, with each successive planting a bit closer to perfection.

Me, I’m in it for the money.

I can make a fortune selling Skwalids to homeowners underwater on their mortgages, looking for that something extra to sweeten that horrific drop in value.

Throw a fistful of Skwalids into whichever toxic rivulet drains your subdivision, and if a prospective buyer shows any hesitancy you can thrust a dripping specimen into his palm, pointing out your home is a shrine to eco-friendly, and how you wouldn’t blink at washing your dishes in the local wastewater.

Stoneflies? Well they’re proof positive …

Fog, Muddy boots, and the Aggregate Insurgency

Muddy_Boot After two weeks of cold and dreary, damp and foggy, I’m reminded of all those English classics with Sherlock Holmes and Hounds of Baskervilles, debtor’s prison and moored Hulks. Victorian spinsters attempting to land Mr. Darcy … who fly fished and therefore had the good sense to pledge troth to some crone that owned the Tay, the Itchen, or something Salmon coveted …

… in between his riding the moors shirtless in search of impressionable young females of low to middling expectations …

I figured I could play the same game – perhaps landing some impressionable young farming wench, whose Poppa’s massive tomato acreage might encompass a couple of bluewater tributaries (not seen on any map). Naturally, she’d have to find portly and balding, unshaven and flabby completely attractive, but in her naiveté a badly contrived Cockney accent would appear terribly exotic, and I’d be snapped up like cheese dip.

In short, I had Great Expectations.

Unfortunately so did the local talent, and while I cut quite the figure slipping wading through high water and moon-walking on bankside mud, I couldn’t compete with the verandah full of gun-toting, bonfire-making, 4-wheel, drug-smoking-pitbull-equipped killers that accosted me.

“Dude, awesome! A fly pole, I wished I brought mine …”

Winter colors As he’s leveraging more rounds into the rifle magazine I’m really not sure how to take this, is it highwayman-speak for “hand it over, bitch” – or should I wait for a proper demand?

I opted for the non-committal, “… nice dogs, they yours?… and can you tell the big one to give me my nuts back?”

I was safe, these were kindred sporting spirits, the kind that our angling organizations wish to attract, can’t find, are scared of … who don’t like to walk far after shooting, running over, and unleashing ravenous killer dogs on their prey. They were friendly and good natured, made doubly so by a couple of large blunts circling the campfire, and warming themselves and Miss Tomato Acreage after an arduous morning of four-wheel gun crazies.

While me and the Two-Gun-Kid exchanged casting techniques, some his dad had taught him, and some my dad taught me, I gave Miss Tomato Acreage my rarified eye, the selfsame glance that makes a Whiting neck recoil in fear.

I figured her taste in gum ran to Spearmint, dinner out was Mac & Cheese, and the bit of ample that pooched out of her too-short tee showed the eight-ring of her deftly inked bull’s eye, suggesting Miss Tomato was both chaste and pure – of a sort.

… the frown suggested my portly and aging were no longer letters of Marque, it was a friendly and disinterested refusal, there was never a chance and we were both relieved …

teichert_insurgency On further reflection, the vast acreage owned by the local Tomato cartel pale in comparison to what Miss Gravel Aggregate could potentially offer her beau, unfortunately for the genteel there remains the pesky insurgency offered by us fishermen and … off road crazies?

… hell, nobody likes them.

Well maybe the six o’clock news does. It’s just as likely they’re tired of us hand wringing enviro types and could use a bit of sound and fury to rattle Grandma off her couch …

Feel the Trout … Be the Trout

Yes, but it's protein We’ve not heard words like that since the Sixties, yet you’ll be sharing much more with trout than you’d expect, given that soon you’ll be deciding whether Caddis taste better than Mayflies, or whether you prefer your Crane fly larvae straight up or with a hint of Sour Cream.

As has been well documented, science has issue with bovine flatulence and is determined to save the ozone layer at the cost of your filet mignon. Dutch scientists are postulating that insect meat has everything necessary to sustain humans, and what’s better is they lack that big flabby mammalian abdomen to bust musty …

No, they didn’t ask you to vote on flank versus feelers, they just assumed you’d eat what was put in front of you. More “felt sole science” – slap it on a plate – legislate your allegiance, and hope the science eventually lives up to the marketing.

Whether insect meat actually exists is a topic of much debate. Our West Coast insects are comprised of flimsy exoskeleton containing yellow goo – which alternately compresses and fragments when harvested by car windshield. I’ll assume the ersatz-beef made of insects will only be realized when the nutritionists from McDonald’s mix the soft jam-like innards with wood chips – or something similar.

I’m willing to bet that both flavor and texture might well be solved quickly, given our penchant for already-cooked cardboard dinners. “Rare” might be a thing of the past, but only because the scaly wings and most of the eyeballs burn off in the “well done” variant.

For us fishermen it’ll test our resolve. Which of us wouldn’t be tempted to bust a corner off our burger to start the hatch at 2:30 …

Didymo may be more of an eyesore than despoiler of watersheds

didymo_poster The latest issue of the US Fish & Wildlife magazine, “Eddies” is devoted completely to aquatic invasives. Not just the standard fare we’re used to seeing, but many of the plants that are causing issues for the deep South and Texas.

Now that the fissures in rubber shoe soles are being blamed for seed travel, and once you’ve glimpsed the effect of Giant Salvinia or Water Chestnut on a waterway, you wonder how much longer they’re going to let us get in the water, period.

There was a hint of good news, however. Our old pal Didymo may not be as bad as first thought, given that the biosecurity professionals in New Zealand have not detected any benthic “dead zone” caused by the diatom smothering the river bottom;

In spite of widely held presumptions that didymo “smothers” invertebrate populations and therefore harms fisheries, research has proven the opposite. “That’s what the prediction was,” says Vieglais, “but our results proved otherwise and the fact that there has been no collapse of the New Zealand trout fishery since didymo arrived bears that out.”

Resembling despoiled toilet paper is still undesirable, certainly an eyesore for a heretofore pristine creek, but whether its periodic bloom is permanent or transient, it’s certainly a comfort to know that its impact on the fishery may be much less forbidding than first thought.

… welcome news, as Didymo is but the first in a long line of invasives that could result in our feet being banned entirely from the watershed.

They take a Green Caddis really well

I’ve seen it many times. Some buddy insists he needs a pound of saddle hackle in a hurry, resulting in a marathon dyeing session with the leftovers emptied into the drain in the street – the one with the fish silhouette that assures you “it leads directly to the river.”

Chartreuse being fickle and the first batch of saddles took the color fine, the bucktails had too much fat and greasy cornmeal so you emptied a couple extra ounces of dye into the mix to make sure it penetrated and the colors would match …

… and while you were intent on getting the flame just right, and oblivious to everything until your buddy tapped you on the shoulder and pointed…

At which point you started hiding everything and whistling innocent like.

We’ll call it Sarah Palin’s California suburbs

Put Rabbit back on the menu

As Sarah Palin has just been booted off The Learning Channel, and has confessed to gunning down anything that walks, crawls, or swims – and especially if it walked, crawled, or swam over our borders illegally, you may want to entertain the notion of a charismatic appointed to the inevitable Czarina of Invasive Diets position.

Relying on state and federal government intervention is a waste of time, and private funding for environmental issues has always been unreliable. What’s really needed is a couple of trendy eateries, coupled with an anemic New Age apostle proclaiming invasive Jihad, and all those Vegans will be dining on Rock Snot & Chickpeas, or Quinoa Snot, content in the knowledge they did what fishermen can’t -save a couple continents and thousands of sentient species from extermination.

“When human beings decide that something tastes good, we can take them down pretty quickly,” he said. Our taste for passenger pigeon wiped that species out, he said. What if we developed a similar taste for starlings? “

– via The New York Times

It’s plain that an unwanted plant or animal from another continent or planet, has only a single natural enemy, and that’s us. Those that make a good facsimile to a hamburger, or a tasty condiment on same are simply doomed, the rest we’ll get around to after the tasty stuff has all been vanished.

Like the “Victory Garden” of generations past, we only need to give the issue an attractive enough wrapper so that we’re fighting each other over who’s more so than the rest of the neighborhood, who thought of it first, and who’s not carrying their weight …

… and if science was something other than a bunch of aloof eggheads, they could remind us of the unusual reservoir of age-defying Omega-3’s contained in a single Zebra Mussel.

The New York Times suggests a diet based on purely invasives would make the practitioner an “invasivore”  – and has gathered an article on the like minded; everything from an “Invasive Diet” plan, to broadening scope to anything that shows up unwanted, including the neighbor’s cat.

Most of the stuff we stalk and eat already has serving suggestions, “no more than one meal per month, less if you’re pregnant.” I can’t imagine a steady diet of Purina can add anything worse to that mix.

It was a test of my loyalties

Mile39_Dawn

This was the scene from Mile 33 this morning, you were still showering and cursing the fact you had to go to work.

I was too, but being on vacation means I’m vacationing from the paying job, and still required to slave away on those that don’t pay.

… neatly describing the fly fishing industry in its entirety.

Part of my New Year’s resolve meant my forthcoming vacation could be spent on trimming my pear shaped frame back into something recognizable. The combination of foreswearing tobacco and holiday excess had allowed me to become soft and weak, and when looking down I could no longer see toes, or any other important anatomical feature.

It was Mile 36 that put me in a quandary, those invisible toes in proximity to discarded sharp objects. The beauty of “smart” technology allows me to quickly check whether the contents are uppers or downers, and whether I should stab the gluteus or merely lick the damn thing.

copaxoneAs I bent down to gather them up for proper disposal, a passing motorist smacked a mourning dove which rolled to a stop at my feet.

Too damn much coincidence for my tastes, so I glance skyward and mention to no one in particular, “Old Man, this is most certainly a test of some sort, and I’m not falling for it.”

Bravado mostly, I knew the bird would be there tomorrow, most likely with a lot less livestock than its current fresh flavor.

Copaxone is a drug for those that suffer from MS. Why they felt it necessary to share is beyond my comprehension, yet quite popular in both creek and roadbed.

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