Author Archives: KBarton10

If you fly fish you’ve beaten the odds

It’s the real reason the fly fishing age demographic is 51-55, we’re well read – men of science and letters, and have limited our excesses to Viagra and Internet porn.

coke_charlie_sheen

Man Finds Brick Of Unknown Substance, Snorts It, Dies
Thomas Swindal, 53, was offshore on Marathon when he and his brother Kenneth discovered a brick of an unknown substance, possibly cocaine, floating in the water.

They ended up tossing the package into a bait well until a short time later, when Kenneth said he turned around and saw his brother snorting some of the substance.

– via WPBF.com

Not every fisherman is lucky enough, nor smart enough, to make it this far … only to discover this last, most irritating, form of fishing.

In our youth it was braided Dacron, the City pier, and a balky Ace hardware boat rod. Fortune smiled if we had an accomplice that sprung for a box of Safeway Calamari and a 24-pack. Those of us that could deliver a six-ounce pyramid with precision (despite the beer) survived. Them as flung that ensemble over everyone else’s line often enough … eventually slept with the fishes.

Later it was the open face spinning rod, and our repertoire expanded beyond the Salmon-Egg-Marshmallow-Open-faced Sandwich of Death, to include Kastmasters, Mepp’s spinners, and other gaudy hardware …

… and we fled salt water in favor of the piney woods. While communing with Nature we stumbled over the drip irrigation and the vibrant green Hemp, neat rows extending under the forest canopy as far as the eye could see …

Them as forgot themselves in a mad rush to stuff it all in their vest – got the rusty bear trap or punji pit skewer – and angry Mescans boiled out of the underbrush once we became entangled in the pebble-filled tuna cans strung from concertina wire. Those that could run – did so to the accompaniment of small bore .223 rattling off the branches overhead …

… with the proceeds we bought the boat, the ice chests packed with cold suds, and attracted all them ne’er do well blood relatives who invited themselves to our liquor, and anything supple or tanned we’d draped across poop deck or fantail …

Which is why we pointed to the large brick of rat poison we’d slid into the water when they were sparking our girlfriend, knowing we were doing both the planet and humanity a solid.

… wherein we enlist the aid of small children and dogs

“Why, no. No problem at all, Mrs.. McGillicutty, you know how I adore looking after Froo-Froo. Yes, Ma’am, most men would consider it offputting to have to tote around a lap dog, rest assured I am secure in my masculinity …”

Society has all manner of non-complimentary names for it, but I like to think of it more as a form of regular opportunistic collecting …

The Big Payoff 

Little Meat being key to that hobby, given his domain contains the Thanksgiving Tree, where 20-30 turkeys roost each evening, so close as to make a thrown tire iron a legitimate harvesting tool.

The downside being his bargaining skills and obsession with fast food, given that all evidence of the misdeed must be consumed or buried before his owner’s return … and yes, brushing his teeth is growing tiresome …

Archaic and Harsh, but we’re tired of putting a fatherly face on them as gas Chickens

field_streamI’m giggling while reading a tirade on whether hair extensions and hippie chicks should be mutually exclusive, and though both are taking a considerable beating, the unthinkable occurs to me …

Fly tiers and dry fly fishermen are the only folks complaining over the loss of Grizzly hackle. Dry flies being tougher to tie than bead-headed-anything suggests my loyalties could be purchased …

Is it possible that the dry fly, and the idolaters and devil worshipers that exalt them above all else, are the source of angling’s bad press and should be cast out so they can lie with snakes and vermin of like (base) nature?

Sure it’s archaic and harsh, but there’s considerable evidence to support such a fanciful conclusion.

Think of all those distant relatives gazing at you in hushed expectation as you open your Christmas gifts, and how you’re forced to gush superlatives over; cut glass highballs featuring Cahills and Adams, ties festooned with March Brown and Fanwing Coachman, and cute but useless leather coasters featuring Humpies, Elk Hair Caddis, and the Rat Faced McDougal.

… most of which will never grace your fly box, you’ll never fish nor recognize, other than it’s something lacking the familiar bead head, and therefore sinks like crap …

All you really wanted was a slot car set, a new rod, a subscription to the Drake, or an AK-47 –  but Grandma is a couple of time zones away and the nice man sold her them drink coasters instead …

Think snooty old guys and their down-the-nose grimace when shown newly purchased composite rods, synthetic flies, and plastic creels. Think clubhouse shunning and the coldest of shoulders should you mistake the lowly Caddis as a viable food group – equal perhaps, even to Mayflies …

Think chickens raised in isolated airless closets, their only companion being the curses of Mr. Whiting, and the promise of dismemberment in a  cloud of downy agony…

“We are informed that you visited the conditions in which the roosters are confined and killed for their feathers,” wrote PETA Foundation General Counsel Jeffrey S. Kerr. These conditions include confining roosters to solitary cages stacked one on top of the other in noisy, windowless sheds until the birds are finally gassed and skinned. Mr. Whiting admits that he and his workers abuse the birds, even hurling them across the barn.

via PETA

Surely it’s rarified turf belonging to ancient Field & Stream issues, pipe tobacco, rough hewn porches, toddies, and Ben Gay, none of which has survived to present day – being the yuppie Outdoor accoutrements of your Dad, not the 5 Hour Energy crowd of today.

As we’ve been dismantling the equally sacred “Match the Hatch” mantra for some time, I’m thinking it may be time to purge the fedora, aromatic pipe, Mr. Aberchrombie and Mr. Fitch, and the notion that visible is more cultured – when it’s merely suited for those whose reflexes rival a Mastadon …

I remember reading of Milk Fed Veal, never again was I able to look a calf in the eye.

Times change, and the old ways are rethought or simply discarded. Now, I simply idle in the parking lot while Ronald McDonald stares at them soft brown eyes before clubbing the little prick senseless.

As we do so love to count the little darlings

There are as many flavors of angler as counting systems, and we’ve all been faced with “The Accounting” … that most common of questions put to us by spectators. It has to blend with our ethics, for those that think them other than liability has to match any remaining shreds of honor, be capable of impressing a disinterested onlooker with the quality of the experience we’ve completed, and convey to other anglers the measure of our sophistication, whether that be as a smack down, a gentle greeting, or in rare cases – the truth.

… and while we wish it otherwise the body count of the day’s fishing is made fulsome or sparse based on whichever counting system we hold in esteem, our mood, and the demeanor of them posing the question.

“… all I caught was a cold.” Humorous, dismissive, lacks detail. Best used on non-fishermen as the experience is known and shared.

“ … I caught fitty-six.” Smack down flavor, omits fly used and technique, no mention of location. Best used on fellow fly fisherman that saw you as a source of quality information – yet failed to recognize the tell-tale signs of you being a humorless prick …

“ … it was slow, they were finicky, and my fingernails are too long.” Semi-friendly, non-committal, best used when two “gunslingers” feel each other out – terse without being mean, reluctant to give offense …

Then there’s this guy

kolodz

2,649 Bluegill landed in one 24 hour angling marathon. A Guinness World Record for that many colored maggots drowned by one fellow for the sake of charity. Lacking a calculator … it’s two fish per minute.

Jeff Kolodzinski completed the marathon fishing event as part of Fishing for Life, a non-profit organization that exposes kids to the outdoors and creates a sense of community through fishing.

The new record is now 2,649 fish caught in a 24-hour period.

The previous record was set last year at the same spot.

I’ve seen a documentary on this fellow from last year, how the area is baited in advance of the effort, no reel used as it slows him down, simplest rig possible – dyed live maggots in a half dozen shades.

… and yes, the number of curious onlookers that ask him “how’s fishing?” or “how’d you do” is equally staggering.

It’ll be the last time you’ll swab a saltine in your Onion Soup

I remember what you said, “ … shan’t, mustn’t, can’t. Leave the dead and dying on the roadbed, as the warden is likely to grab you by the ass and slap a hefty fine on you.”

As it was technically possible that I’d grabbed the Opossum by his little rat tail and hurled him under that big-arsed tanker truck, I opted to remain chaste and walked by his flattened and fresh corpse with nary a thought of dragging him into the cornfield and vivisection …

Ditto for that raccoon that wasn’t there yesterday afternoon. It lay there grinning – knowing he’d expired on the crown of the road and his lumpy remains was visible for miles. I did take a second glance at the top half of that Mourning Dove – whose bottom half was a couple of zip codes distant, having lodged itself in Grandma’s grill … My thoughts were pure – which is more than I can say for her garage tomorrow.

But the Olive orchard treasure trove was defensible, I could stand there and defend my gallon sized jug of feathers without breaking into giggles, and the comforting “whomp” as I deployed that back-pocket extra large Ziploc was a pleasant reminder – to the Victor belong the spoils, fifteen pounds of duck feathers, breast mostly; no blood, no wings, beaks or feet, just a pile of breast feathers a foot high – like a feathery comet strike, spattered duck feathers as far as I could see. Definitely a capital crime given the birds are out of season, but even the Warden would admit there was enough for my needs and her Evidence Bag would still be lipping full.

A comet strike of waterfowl

Sprig, Widgeon, Mallard, and Teal, almost as if someone had emptied last seasons feather plucker into a Sunflower field.

I was two miles distant from the safety of home, as I clutched my bloodless booty to my chest and ran for cover – I was prepared to throw myself on the mercy of the court …

… and you’re right of course. I have plenty of this stuff, so why was I so giddy over the find? Flatty Racoon and extra freebie feathers take the sting out of learning to dye, where a little skill is warranted before risking the Good Stuff.

I’m fiddling with natural dyes and different mordants, attempting to see the ranges of color possible with iron and copper-based mordants, and a couple shopping bags of duck feathers represents many tests, many accidents, and a lot of –maybe- shoveled into the garbage can.

120 grams of Onion

You start with 120 grams of Onion skins purloined from the bin at the local supermarket. Given that I am the only customer with the nerve to shop at 0600, I asked the manager could I help myself and there was no issue.

With a copper mordant (50% water, 50% White vinegar, and a sanded copper plumbing “T”) you should get a light to medium brown-bronze color from the Onion skins bath. The plumbing tee is sanded to remove any surface lacquer so the acid can strip the copper ions off the fitting and dissolve them into the liquid, which will turn blue.

boiled_Onion_Skins

Add all the skins into a large pot of water and boil. The longer the skins remain in the liquid the darker the bath will become. I wound up simmering the pot (just under a boil) until the skins softened completely.

Straining the material yielded a dye bath as rich and dark as coffee. As the skins can be reused again to make more dye, you’ll need to decide to toss or dry them on newspaper outside.

Add the mordant mixture (about six cups) to the dye bath. The amount added will vary based on pot size and amount of onions used. Precision is not really needed, simply add plenty of mordant to set the color.

Not the rich coffee color of the bath

I added a double fistful of duck breast to the pot. Natural dyes require plenty of time to dye a successful shade – given that duck feathers can be oily (these weren’t – they felt dry to the touch), they can be difficult to color.

I wanted to “range” the dye/mordant combination. This requires me to pull feather samples out every hour and set aside to dry. It’s a method by which we can capture how quickly a dye colors mats and how deep a shade is possible.

I pulled four samples and then left the pot to steep overnight.

Final_Dry_Daylight

The hourly samples were indistinguishable, the dye added color very slowly to the materials. I was pleased with the outcome as the resultant color is almost an imitation wood duck or brown partridge style color.

Above is the colors in direct sunlight, below is the final colors in shade …

Duck breast in full shade

Very buggy and very useful color.

Saving a baggy of the result gives you the ability to compare the same ritual conducted with an iron mordant to see how the different ions make the final color. It’s this style of fiddling, with nothing at risk, that provides the background education that will embolden you to grab that $400 Hoffman saddle and  …

… all you need is a Ziploc tucked neatly into the back pocket, just slide the carcass in between two parked cars and hope nobody looks from the apartment above ..

Fish with Nugent & the Trumps, if not for the entertainment value, then perhaps for charity

Ted Nugent and us Weekend Warriors It’s a mixture of chance or luck that aligns celebrities with the love of the out of doors. We’ve enjoyed a lot of minor nobles and B-list celebs, interspersed with Presidents and hedge fund big wigs, but that mainstream banner-carrier continues to elude us  …

… mostly because the jury is still pending on that Jesus thing, at least until they roll away the stone and find a couple of hammered Roman KastMasters at the bottom of the ossuary …

Of them that’s left, only Ted Nugent commands enough testosterone and unabashed outdoor goodness to plow through all them animal firsters, animal rights and lefts, and Vegans, to hold a reporter’s interest long enough to pin a couple soundbytes on the evening news.

For that, we love him.

Now Ted has promised to entertain you for charity with some unlikely bedfellows, given that the Trump children aren’t known for straying too far from armed guards and penthouse – never the less both factions have decided to set aside all differences to entertain you while you fish.

The iconic madman and avid hunter has put a day of hunting and fishing at his Waco, Texas compound on the auction block at leading charity auction site charitybuzz.com. The lucky winning bidder and a guest with join Ted Nugent, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump Jr. for a day they’ll never forget.
The experience, valued at $30,000, is open for bidding through August 8th at:
http://www.charitybuzz.com/catalog_items/270205

I can only hope one of the Trump’s breaks a nail – while Ted runs down live prey and eats it raw – sending the NY contingent scrambling for  their jet – or temporary cover behind their manicurist …

Knowing my audience I figure the Ted must’ve earned a special place in your Camaro or Trans-Am, and while your coin may come dear in this challenging economy, the desire is still there …

If Trout were Zombies we wouldn’t have the issue

strippers_versus_zombies With everyone alternately bemoaning the lack of newcomers to the sport, and cursing those that do show up as movie fanbois, it’s a wonder what few social organizations remain continue to insist on out-of-the-box thinking in the hope we’ll lure kids away from Nintendo and into the arms of us antisocial fly fisherman …

Porn would make the task easier, but we aren’t allowed to lead the poor child that far down the Dark Path, given little brother will supply all his needs once he realizes he can charge for it.

I say we need to play to the youngsters nervous skills and unbridled urge to kill everything. We’ve watched countless screens of Zombies expertly dispatched by knives, sharp sticks, and phase-plasma rifles, why not mention that fish bleed and writhe in pain when stomped?

A leading English supermarket opted to give away nearly 12,000 pounds of less marketable fish to its customers in hopes of making them less reliant on troubled fisheries…

In the first week of the campaign six tones of sustainable fish was given away by the retailer, with trout forming the largest share of this at 22%, and British Trout Association members are already reporting an increase in demand for farmed rainbow trout fillets with a significant increase in sales recorded.

Is it possible that increased trout fillet sales may drive increased interest in the fish, possibly even stimulating the palate enough to buy a rod, reel, and a jug of salmon eggs?

Whereupon the poor SOB has now availed himself of our tender mercies, allowing us to point out the error of his ways, demand that he repent and spend thousands on real tackle, wade into the water he’s fishing – giving him both finger and stink eye if his lower lip so much as trembles, then suggest he should let them all go if he gets lucky?

Yes, we are often our own worst enemy, funny how we overlook that.

Hopefully it’ll involve a loincloth and a dull Buck knife

It’s increasingly important for us torturers of living creatures to live up to the collective Metrosexual expectation at work, given that we freely admit to sleeping on the ground, and consider bathing optional.

We’re like the city kid that bought his first four wheel drive vehicle, way down deep he knows it needs a deep mud puddle to gain legitimacy.

And while both Congress and our beloved President are lecturing us on the benefits of compromise, suggesting both Executive and Legislative branches could use a leavening of us compromise-prone sporting types, who dearly love those grandiose boasts at the water cooler, yet compromise so the Missus can share the same tent

Kinda clean with a smoky edge

… when our real motive is to claim we rubbed ourselves down with greasy pork belly before chasing all them ravenous Grizzlies away from our trembling and fearful family.

It was them or me, so I kissed my wife goodbye then rubbed the bar on my nether regions and ran hell for leather at the biggest one, the one drooling the mostest …

As the only thing better than stretching the truth … is a complete outdoors falsehood involving loincloths, ravenous predators bigger than us, and a dull Buck knife.

The Blitz – Fly Fishing the Atlantic Migration

theBlitz I remember Pop would hustle home from work, reach for that big 12 foot surf rod and Penn Senator whose level wind required an educated thumb, and ignoring me and older bro’s entreaties, as we weren’t old enough to come, he’d vanish in the Jeep to return carrying two huge fish that represented a week’s fine dining.

… or so Ma and him thought, me and Older Bro still preferred chicken over seafood, given Mother Nature made chickens empty and big stripers full of gawd-awful smelling guts and scales that we had to shovel out of the sink and dispose of quickly.

San Francisco had quite the Striper culture I was to find out later, once I was chasing them myself. I might have been resentful at not being allowed to go as a young lad, but I understood later. Striper fishing on the West Coast being dangerous as hell, involving multiple treble hooks on foot long plugs, adrenalin filled anglers tied to rocks or perched on slippery algae forty foot above an ocean that offered a scant 30 minutes before you died of its chill. Swells between four and twenty feet, and an undertow that forced you into a constant backpedal as it took the sand from under your feet in the blink of an eye.

There’d be a whole phalanx of cars parked above Ocean Beach, each fellow sharpening his hooks or retying his knots while scanning the water from the Cliff House to Pacifica looking for the clouds of birds that signaled stripers pinning clouds of Anchovy to the beach …

There was nothing gentle about the sport, as even a minor misstep meant something barked, smashed, or bleeding.

While all those memories were reawakened by Pete McDonald’s elegant prose in “The Blitz” (Tosh Brown photography), it portrays our East Coast brethren as having a much easier time of it; shallow beaches, gentle swells and being able to stand in the water while casting.

… all of which is completely foreign to my experiences.

I’ve been a fan of Pete’s Fishing Jones blog for many years. He possesses a light, engaging, humorous style that is both self depreciating and completely infectious, and I was counting on getting a generous dose of his wit in this work.

Alas, his text is forced to play second fiddle to the photos which dominate almost all the pages, and while the photography is quite good, with the occasional spectacular, the grip-grin pictures can be tedious.

Each of the notable areas of Eastern Striperdom is treated with a short piece about the surroundings, a sprinkling of prose on the community of anglers, and a plug for one or more local guides. It’s an engaging adventure book, not intended to be a resource on Stripers and Bluefish, nor is it intended to devote reams to fly patterns and technique, rather it’s a deft narration of a year long adventure snapped in pictures.

There’s enough flies imbedded in center consoles, fly books, fish’s mouths, and hook keepers to make a pretty good reference work, and based on the samples; big, white, flashy and chartreuse, dominate most of the preferred offerings.

As a west coaster and not indigenous to the area, I was unawares of the perils facing the East Coast fishery in the Eighties, and the success story that was their resurgence a decade later. Outside of a paragraph here or there in an old book, I’d run across Lou Tabory, sand eels or lances, and knew that our West Coast fish were imported from the East via milk jug and train.  What surprised me about this book was reading of the favorable surf conditions and just how big a fly fishing following existed in these eastern byways and resort towns – and how commanding was the distribution of fish, all the way from Maine to Virginia.

An Albie liked my fly, but one of the whipping coils of clearing line caught on the edge of my wristwatch. The fish left in a hurry trailing half of a fly line – half Chuck’s fly line if you’re keeping score.

“Goddamnit!” yelled Chuck.

“It caught on my watch.”

“I know, that’s why I said ‘goddamnit.”

I tried to cover my watch with my rain jacket.

“Take that off, Son,” said Laughridge. “The only times you need to know on Harkers are sunrise and sunset.”

As we idled around for the next opportunity, I heard whistling from the helm and recognized a tune from the Wizard of Oz being performed at my expense.

I would not be a just a nothing

My head full of stuffin,

My heart all full of pain,

I would dance and be merry,

Life would be a ding-a-derry,

If I only had a brain.

Pete hints at a striper subculture commanding a following of obsessed and dedicated anglers that are only a Gierach book away from being celebrated by the rest of us. Naturally it was these dropped tidbits that I wanted to know more about – as tales of suffering and deprivation are always more gripping then us working stiffs plying our craft on weekends.

Perhaps in the sequel, and at the cost of some photos …

I’d be interested in the old pre-80’s slant, and how this new breed of angler fit in with that hoary old crowd – as guys like Joe Brooks and his ilk appear to have been involved during a similar heyday.

I’d suggest that the narrative is much too clean to be real however – throwing lead-core and weighted bucktails on 3/0 hooks in the constant inshore breeze of the beach, has to result in a good deal of maimed flesh. Nowhere in this narrative is a hint that the line is capable of filleting human flesh or that burying the barb of a large stainless steel hook in the soft flesh of an ass cheek presents an angler with but two choices … run for the car and the tender mercies of Emergency – or continue fishing as it’s that goddamn good …

This book is a fast read due to the preponderance of photography. I found it terribly interesting and terribly short of subject matter, given that so much turf is covered and the book’s reliance upon photography to assist the narrative is simply not deep enough. I found it enjoyable – yet it had me wanting to know a lot more of the people and sport, as well as its history.

Full Disclosure: I purchased the book at full retail ($49.95) from Departure Publishing. 216 Pages, 315 Photographs, 43 of which are guys holding stripers.

Risk public ridicule and earn a hat in the doing

The Singlebarbed Grease Magnet

At one point both of them were black. The one on the left is what I’ve been wearing the last couple of years; fragrant with stale human, pomade, and insect repellant – the one on the right is clean, sterile, and looking for a home …

Them as has commented plenty are to be admired, given their penchant to lead chin first into the public space with wit, insults, and factual detail that corrects me when I get hasty or sloppy.

Ed Stephens, John Peipon, Jim Batsel, JP2, and Peter Vroedeweij – drop me a note with a mailing address, you’ve all earned a new brim.

… and yes, in polite company I’ll wear a clean one, maybe …

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