Author Archives: KBarton10

He sure looks like the guy that crowded me last weekend

Toss the wine and crackers, empty the fly box and reach for the loincloth, we’re not nearly as smart as we make out – and while fly fishing (fishing with a feathered lure) has a written record that spans as far back as pre-biblical times, it may be older than that…

Consider the evidence recently surfacing from Borneo that angling may be older than the fossil record – then again, someone could make the case that the average IQ of anglers hasn’t grown much, despite what history thinks.

Orangutan fishing for Salmon

In short, you don’t need a fancy rod nor gear – you don’t require flies representing all possible phases of insect minutia, what’s needed is an opposable thumb – the rest is gravy.

He’s a little rough on the presentation, but he looks receptive to a pointer or two, banana’s may be bad luck, but at least I get to ask what he’s using…

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Yes it borders on sacrilege, but is it Xtreme?

The Royal Coachman is the poster child for fly fishing, it adorns more highball glasses and drink coasters than any other fly in history. It’s an ancient and noble creation that spawns a popular variant every decade or so…

The last major upgrade was performed by Lee Wulff, converting the venerable duck quill flavor into a brawling fast water creation – the Royal Wulff. It’s a great fly – floats well despite calf tail wings and floss, and repopulated fly boxes for most of the 80’s.

It’s time we update the “old gal” – what with all the stunning synthetics we’ve added in the last 20 years, you’d think the “Royal Something-Or-Other” would have some opalescent synthetic, rubber bug’s arse, or wiggle legs that renews this timeless pattern for the next millennia.

“Political Correctness” has colored the last couple of decades – so the “Coachmen” may no longer be appropriate. “Equine Engineer” may be a bit much, but something is needed to jazz the fly up a bit as well as smooth over the cultural divide..

Something old and something new, the Pierced Plantagenet

With pierced nostrils all the rage – I’m thinking a couple barbels uniquely defines the decade, and as us boorish colonials remain fascinated by royalty, I dub thee “Pierced Plantagenet.”

I’m open to a better idea, otherwise I’ll see you at the coronation.

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If fishing had an easy button I’d tape it down

It may beat freezing in cold water, I dunnoIf the kid is riveted to the game console rather than the out-of-doors, is the sacred traditions of the Woodsman being undermined by cheat codes?

I’m wondering aloud really, as every parent bemoans their kid’s console addiction while ensuring “little darling” has every game he or she desires. Dad is adamant that he’s going to take the kid “when he’s old enough” but by then will the game version have altered the reality?

What would the hard life of an angler be like, if he were always under pressure to prove his skills in lots of competitions? Activision believes that fishing shouldn’t be relaxing, and promises that their new game Rapala Fishing Frenzy will be action packed.

“Fishing Frenzy’s” are common, most occur the night before the trip when we can’t find our wading boots. In the field, the action is slow as molasses.

Rapala’s flavor won’t teach patience – nor will it chill or dampen them cherubic little fingers. Now that Dad figures he’s old enough – is his eagerness to go driven in part by the memory of digital mayhem, a toasty bedroom, and Mom delivering popcorn?

The idyllic scenes and the first class graphics should captivate the player. Revamped controls should mean that fishing does not become frustrating on any of the three platforms (PS3, Xbox 360, Wii).

If fishing weren’t frustrating we wouldn’t be wedded to the hobby, as the suffering makes the brief moments of victory all the sweeter. If Dumpling gets turned off by a balky joystick, what’s he liable to do with his first dozen backlashes?

A proper fishing game needs to capture the adrenaline-pumping intensity of sport fishing,” said Adrian Filippini from Fun Labs.

There’s plenty of adrenaline in fishing, but real intensity results from slipping on a rock into a frigid torrent, imbedding a fly into the posterior of someone’s poodle, or scrambling for purchase on a sheer slope wearing felt soles. It’s bad enough that the game sets unreal expectations – but they’ve removed the hint of the fun to come.

The game does teach teach important skills they’ll use on the fly fishing forums – that vast wasteland of misinformation and discontent. Thread jacking is an art form and takes considerable practice.

Mayamo: I kinda like fly fishing. Being out in the middle or a rather fast moving river trying not to slip and float away while constantly working at dropping the fly just where you want it and occasionally working a fish.

Sponge: Ah, but you have the choice of three outrageous sandwiches to quietly nibble on: Jumpin’ Jam, Extreme Egg, Totally Tubular Tuna, Badass BLT and Awesome Avocado…

Sponge: That’s five. I got carried away, so exciting is rollercoaster ride of Rapala Fishing Frenzy.

Adodric: I could go for a badass BLT right now.

Chris: Yeah, now I’m hungry. 

Mad Jack McMad: There was this fishing game for the Dreamcast, I had a demo of it from some magazine. Sega Bass Fishing, I think. It had the most crazy assed metal theme song ever.
When you hooked a fish it was as if you triggered some mad capcom boss rush. The screen would shake, and FISH ON!!!! would blast all over the screen, the music would go wild… I don’t know, maybe real fishing is actually that intense for the paragons of the sport.

Maybe it is lad. It’s clear you’ve mastered the prerequisite skills to be a “paragon” of the parking area …

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I’m kinda partial to Miss Pikeminnow myself

It may be the perfect marketing ploy, combining babes, beer, minor fishing luminaries, and part of the proceeds for charity, now every mancave can be festooned with half naked gals sporting cold beer, and if anyone protests you can act wounded or hurt…

Miss Lakemaid Largemouth, agressive and vocal may be too much

I’m not sure Miss Lakemaid Largemouth (above) would be my first choice, I have to assume she’ll have some of the characteristics of both species; aggressive, vengeful, predatory, and vocal. You can skip the “caress and release come hither” bit – she may be willing but your reaction will be – “dammit, she slimed me.”

Minneapolis marketing agency Pocket Hercules has woven an intricate back story around the brew that features mythical Lakemaids (half woman, half fish). It includes a website (www.lakemaidbeer.com), mascots (12 Lakemaids) and celebrity endorsers (fishing personalities Dick Gryzwinski, Larry Dahlberg and Larry Bollig). Gander Mountain, the St. Paul-based outdoors retailer, is selling Lakemaid gear at its stores in Minnesota and Wisconsin. A portion of the profit from Lakemaid Beer and gear will be donated to the International Game Fish Association for freshwater fish research and conservation.

Miss Northern Pike Lakemaid - uses Rotenone for Shampoo

Stick with the beer, if the relationship is consummated you’ll spend your weekend’s parenting …  Imagine Miss Northern Pike delivering the “..don’t accept candy on treble hooks from strangers” lecture – and keeping a straight face…

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I fought the water and the water won

That’s the problem with being a member of the “working press” – what with the brutal deadlines, the fishing, and the lying-about fishing, I needed some decompress time  – so I went fishing.

Sometimes you just lay the rod down and smell the roses

I threw some fishing tackle in with a change of dry clothes, adding some beef jerky, Kashi bars, and some bananas, and pointed the rig north. I knew it was early still – but the lull that follows Opening Day is well known; all the faux-Sportsmen bust out for the Opener, alternately freezing and burning – then lick their wounds the following weekend.

I hit the Upper Sacramento on Friday and Saturday, and she hit back. Heavy bruising water – cold and swift, and deep enough so that anything more than a couple feet off the bank was a tenuous ambition.

Wading alone you’re prudent and cautious, and I tip-toed around the heavy stuff hoping to find a pocket of something with minimal IQ and low standards, but they were all abed.

Insects were evident but they were trickling off unmolested, two or three different mayflies and the occasional lumbering Giant Stone, as the birds were inactive, everything made it into the underbrush.

No fishermen, no fish, and plenty of water.

I did have the opportunity to meet Tom Chandler of TroutUnderground fame, a friendly and gracious fellow that opted to share the Upper McCloud. It’s a tad unnerving to fish with another blogger – in the back of your mind you know that one false step and you’re cover art.

The Lower Falls of the McCloud River

As both of us were packing cameras we were on double good behavior, I used fly floatant on my dry flies, rather than Velveeta, and he did likewise.

A whirlwind tour of the McCloud waterfalls proved opportune – as they’re still swollen from snow melt and in rarified plumage.

The Upper Falls of the McCloud River

Neither of us caught any fish – but as the photo’s attest, who cares. It’s a bit early still, TC measured the McCloud at a chilly 48 degrees, so you’ve time yet.

I found the $4.00 per gallon gas starts about 200 miles upstream from me, anyone thinking they won’t be curtailed by the expense is kidding themselves, as a tank-up and a tank-back adds $100 to the outing and that’s enough to give pause.

… and no, I didn’t wear my Brownline waders in all this pristine-ness. Formula 409 is a snack for those beasts – I left them in the back yard to control the cat population.

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An unexpurgated interview with the Trout Underground, both of them

Tom Chandler releases another fish that I can't talk about “Jesus Tom, this is going to make a hell of a story, I’ll flip you for the rights to tell it.”

“What story?”

“We caught 56 trout in an hour, one of which is likely a new state record, all on dry flies, without budging from the car – in my book, that’s a hell of a good yarn.”

Tom looks at me like he stepped in something distasteful, “Noob, how do you figure 56 fish?”

“Well, there was the 4 at the big rock, the dozen from that nice pool, 8 we did in that riffle above, 6 at the Falls, 8 at the Bridge, 3 while we were signing autographs, 8 at the Island, 14 while we were posing heroically for them sunbathers, and 5 just now… I make that 56.”

Shaking his head with disgust, Tom leans closer, “You haven’t learned a goddamn thing today have you? You can’t mention the fish from Rock X as I’m under a gag order from the Shasta County Guides Association, Riffle Y can’t be mentioned as a buddy told me about it, and the Falls was a trick I learned from Jimmy Reams, who’d have my ass if I mentioned it in print.”

“Ahh,” I says, “I get it, but we still have the fish from …”

“Nope, the Bridge is private property,  the “autograph” fish were planted, and the Island …” TC visibly shudders, ” … forget about the Island.”

“Likewise for the 14 fish we caught near the topless nubile’s, the L&T Nancy will turn six shades of purple and I’ll be mowing lawn for months if she finds out.”

“No problem Tom, we still have the dozen from the pool and the last 5, including that bruising 9lb Rainbow you just landed, you may want to save a chunk of that 8X in case the IGFA wants to see it..”

“Negative, that was ‘Old Drooler’ – the guide’s use him for tips – and I’d be a Laughingstock if he made the print media, last year they all chipped in and had the Mount Shasta dentist add a prosthetic lower jaw, as he’s been caught that many times … the last five were Redband trout, we can’t mention they exist.”

I start tearing the pages out of my notepad, “..so we didn’t catch anything?”

“Not a damn thing, kid.”

Seeing my consternation, TC relents, “Interview Wally the Wonderdog, he loves seeing his name in print.”

On cue, the big lab parks his arse on my foot looking up expectantly – big brown eyes without hint of intelligence saying, “No one ever pets me, ever..”

I recognize I’m being thrown a bone, as Wally is a neo-icon in the angling world – so I open to an untrammeled page in my notebook, “Wally, dry fly or nymph, which do you prefer?”

No one ever pets me, ever …

“Can I put you down for a ‘Yes?'”

The distant tinkle of the telephone interrupts the reverie, and as Tom Chandler charges up the staircase to answer – I’m thinking, don’t get mad – get even…

The car door’s open, and I start shoveling chow at Wally like he’s a muzzleloader; overly-warm greasy beef sticks – unwrapped, gone … yesterday’s banana, inhaled, Kiwi Lime yogurt cup from last season, vanished … stale cookies from yesterday – woofed, Turkey breast and a Hardy reel case, skarfed …

The steady “thud-thud” of the tail wag is starting to slow, and TC appears at the top of the stairs. “How’s the interview going?”

I’m masking my giggle by chewing on my pencil, “Great, we’re just about unwrap … er …wrapped up here… and lastly Wally, how does it feel to crap indiscriminately near all of the finest trout water in Northern California?”

You are my new best friend, can you rub my stomach …

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There’s safety in numbers

John Muir and Sierrasportsmen.org Politics makes strange bedfellows and with declining participation in out-of-doors activities you can expect change. The Sierra Club is appealing to the sporting fraternity with it’s launch of the Sierrasportsmen.org website, with content tailored to both hunters and fishermen.

Environmentalists, according to Sierra Club spokeswoman Kristina Johnson, are embracing sportsmen as allies in the common causes of combating mercury-contaminated water, saving salmon from global warming and protecting elk range from oil drilling.

It’s quite understandable as so many of our issues are intertwined. Pollution and Global Warming cross every boundary imaginable, and with the folks in power turning a deaf ear – it’s up to the little guys to band together.

I say “Welcome” – and am pleased to have someone remind me that the tippet I just discarded is a bio-hazard. I get to remind them that they just spooked my fish, so we’re even.

Likely they’ll warm to us “earthy” types quick enough, and if invited to a cocktail party I’ll be on double-good behavior.

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We’re assuming standard "cover two" formation

The Computer Fishing Glove - coming soonWe’ve seen clothes that can store and generate power, what’s always been in doubt is what we need the power for….

The Boys at MIT have answered part of the mystery with the HCID (Handwear Computer Input Device), a glove based computer interface currently destined for the military.

“Old Guys” use fishing to “get away from it all” – but the Youngblood’s want to bring it with them, interfaced digitally with their cellular network, their Blackberry device, and satellite if needs be.

Why? Hell, that’s the easy part – so they can taunt their pals.

Can be a versatile electronics platform for a variety of possible
devices (e.g., metal detector, lifesign sensor, etc)

Select the view mode of your helmet-mounted display without having to take your hand off your weapon or vehicle handgrip.

Translation: Film the proceedings midstream and upload it to YouTube without changing the grip on your rod. Dial your buddy and via the audio component question his ancestry, simultaneously grinding your point home with slo-motion or instant replay.

Input commands into your computer using intuitive hand-arm gestures

I’m assuming you can desensitize the device to the common fly fishing hand gestures:

You should have been here last week

I was here first, don’t forget I’m next to you in the parking area

My fly is imbedded in your ear, no hurry, but could you…

You’re blind, that fish was no more than 10″

Nice fish, you hooked it in the ass so it doesn’t count

I’ve none of the good flies left, I want half of yours.

Large hole in my waders, I’m done

Warden visible

Tailing loop and split shot, you’re in jeopardy

My sandwich might have Salmonella

 Spinner Fall

My flybox is headed your way, grab it before it sinks

You’re wasting time with that fly

You’re mistaken, I did not take the last beer

It’s safe to cross here, you first..

(Props to the lads at unconventional.airsoft.com for their illustrations.)

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I’ll be doubly watchful for splinter cells equipped with Sage or Hardy

Somali style I’m studying “Boarding Strategies of the Somali Pirates,” a handwritten tomb outlining seventeen ways to abduct a small freighter armed with harsh language and an AK-47.

No, I’m not some nutcase – I’m rising to the occasion – the Federal government has just released anti-terrorist guidelines for small boaters, and that’s us…

“…the Bush administration wants to enlist the country’s 80 million recreational boaters to help protect the country against a nuclear or radiological bomb.”

I’m prepared to roar up to any fellow peacefully anchored in some lake and demand to see his identity papers. It’s immaterial that he’s actually fishing where I want to … I’m a patriot, and he’s out of luck.

According to an April 23 intelligence assessment obtained by The Associated Press, “The use of a small boat as a weapon is likely to remain al-Qaida’s weapon of choice in the maritime environment, given its ease in arming and deploying, low cost, and record of success.”

A float tube and a rusty 12 gauge should allow me to prowl my favorite water with impunity.  Any fellow with better tackle is suspicious, and if he catches more fish than me, he’s funded by a offshore terrorist cell. It’ll be a “shot across the bow” followed by Citizen’s Arrest and confiscation of anything chemical, longer than 8 feet, and made in England.

I’ll have to test for nerve agents back at the house, so he can forget about his sandwich and cooler, and as it’s a militia action, I can ignore the Geneva convention and drink his beer in front of him..

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Scissors, from the World’s Biggest Fly Shop

Finger holes were a bit small for my meaty hands Rather than admit to a “tie-flying” gear fetish we’ll file it under, “Singlebarbed blows his cash and takes his lumps” category.  Acting on a tip on one of the myriad angling forums, I did some research on surgical scissors available from the World’s Biggest Fly shop, eBay.

Despite the hundreds of listings there’s really only four vendors that offer the bulk of the scissors, and their prices made me take note. Surgical grade for $9.00 (plus $6.00 shipping), that’s a mighty far cry from the $100 – $250 range of the tungsten carbide iris scissors offered from the normal surgical supply houses.

I ordered four sets from two of the vendors; stainless “supercut” Iris, 4.5″ length, serrated blades and 4.5″ Tungsten carbide Iris, standard straight edge, getting both a straight and a semicurved from each vendor.

The scissors are from Pakistan, are stainless steel – with blades that cut all along their length – so they’re better than cheap scissors, perhaps comparable to Dr. Slick’s in quality.

Serrated blades are very finely scored, almost invisible to the eye – likely they’re laser cut. Milling marks were visible on almost all sides of the scissors, so they’re ground into tolerance – rather than made to exacting specs.

These are nice serviceable scissors, but order them from the vendor’s web site not from eBay, the postage saved will allow you to buy a couple extra. The vendor Xcelinnovative has a website under the name Surgical123.com, the other vendor Instruments.Net does not appear to have a web portal.

Iris scissors from Pakistan

In short, these aren’t the “good stuff” – but they’re useful.

The issue is the size of the finger holes, they’re too small for my meaty hands, (Note the illustration outlining the difference) I’ll stick with the Milex German Stainless scissors – as Krauts have big hands and bigger holes, making it much less fatiguing to use for hours on end.

Three curves, note finger hole sizes, largest on the top

These may be really useful for those clubs sponsoring fly tying classes, the eBay vendors sell sets of three for $18 (includes postage), add $10 to the price of the class and the students get a nice serviceable pair of scissors for cheap.

Noyes Iris Scissors

I did spy a neat  set of Iris “nips” that bear investigating, Iris scissors in a spring-loaded form, these should work well with tiers that  keep scissors in hand at all times. Labeled the “Noyes Iris Scissors” – and looking mighty tasty. (also $9.00)

I couldn’t help but do a little research on the design and found a site dedicated to a million different flavors. I’m still puzzling over what looks best, as the number of blade styles is staggering.

For the conspicuous consumer that prefers bamboo rods, you can get them in Titanium for only $635.00. Yes, each.

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