Author Archives: KBarton10

Just pack it full of Hare’s Ears, Let Greed sort ’em out

Bait bomb schematic We clapped and cheered during Desert Storm, watching the “business end” of multi-million dollar weaponry aimed at some Iraqi latrine, who or what was inside was secondary to the sudden burst of static that signified mission successful…

Using the latest 3D CAD technology, Ferris-Tech has developed the worlds first time-release active bait delivery system to eject the bait in a sudden but calculated ‘bomb burst’.

All that’s really needed is some nose mounted camera where we can see the shocked expression and lips form the “Oh Sh..”

Hell, I’d give up fly fishing entirely if I could take turns painting trout with a laser – who couldn’t resist a little payback? We could toss all those silly wide arbor gimcracks in favor of face paint and SEAL satellite phones:

“Roger, Cahill-Six, the target is Invasive Species and  illuminated, recommend Bait Bomb set for wide dispersal, Over.”

Now who’s clamoring for Poppa to take him fishing? Every parent will exult as Junior leaps off the couch to give Mr Carp a black eye. Poppa regains hero status lost to video games, and the balance of Nature restored… well, kinda.

The Elements of Succession, the value of Old Guys

We're all headed this route, one way or another There’s something magical about Old Guys, which is why I enjoy their company so much. I liken it to the baseball pitcher that knows he’s only got 90 pitches in his arm, and treats each without wasted motion, executing the delivery without the frantic movement of youth or temper, merely going about his business as thoroughly as his arm allows.

All of us are going to be one of those fellows at some point, it’s a matter of repetition and understanding – polished by wisdom and a life’s worth of experience.

I call it “Jedi Mastery” – the point in any angler’s career where catching and fishing are synonymous.

Fly tying has it’s own hellish struggle and eventual wisdom, and like fishing you rarely see past your inner demons until you can watch someone whose done it much longer than yourself. It’s frustrating as so much time is spent taming the unruly and expecting the worst, yet watching an older fellow whose materials meld in precise order, the unexpected taken in stride, and the outcome meticulous and preordained.

It’s Jedi Mastery, and after thousands of repetitions you learn you cannot tame an art form, rather it tames you.

A bare hook shank is staring at the abyss, your intentions are good and the execution practiced, only the outcome is in doubt. It’s the final frustrating phase that weeds out the unsteady, as your skills work against you; thinking the fly through a disciplined set of operations and when it doesn’t behave as expected, invoking the Mother of a Thousand Turns of Thread to teach it a lesson.

It’s simpler to watch an Old Guy.

I watched plenty in my youth, surrounded by them at the Golden Gate Angling and Casting Club in San Francisco. The 1960’s were playing out in a last gasp of LSD and Youth Movement, and the 70’s started ugly; Watergate and Heroin littered the park with the incoherent and disenchanted,  and GGACC was a reclusive and sunny venue to commiserate over kids and family stress, a place to sun yourself on a park bench while retelling stories of a quieter time.

The GGACC clubhouse in Golden Gate Park

The presence of the Winston Rod Company on Howard Street, run by Lew Stoner, and interest in accuracy casting, personified by Jimmy Green and Jon Tarantino, begat the Rajeff dynasty. The supporting cast lining the sunny benches was both authoritative and vocal, and young casters like the Rajeff’s were clay forged in rod physics, technique, and old guy tradition.

Steve Rajeff and his brother Tim made “kids” fashionable again – and old codgers redoubled their efforts to mould those with the maturity to watch and listen, rather than talk. They may have thought they were saving a generation, if they could only promote some of the “good kids” the rest of the generation had brood stock…

My dad introduced me to both the casting club and addiction by gifting me with a fly rod on my 16th birthday. I’d take the bus or bike out through the park and linger on the edge of the ponds hoping to stay off the radar of them old codgers on the benches. They were tough old birds, vocal and impatient – and if some kid mangled a cast more than twice – they were grabbing your arm, bending it to impossible positions insisting on immobility, and waiting for the first hint of youthful rebuke.

“Jack” was a intimidating old fellow, big sausage fingers broken and knotted from a lifetime of hard work, voice box removed and a gauze bib covering the cavity in his lower throat. I lived in terror of his gaze, the rolling gait of a sailor, and a snow white shock of hair was your only warning of misdeed – he wasn’t shy about heading in your direction if you mangled more than your fair share.

It was a sacred trust, as the open throat meant his fishing days were done, a single misstep wading and his lungs would fill with water. Casting was the only thing connecting him to his life long passion, and he was determined to makeup for any deficiencies in your genetic material or degree of devotion.

Jon Ray was at the opposite end of the spectrum, a fastidious and pleasant man, detail oriented and enamored of the perfection and refinement of casting. He didn’t fish often, despite managing the Aberchrombie and Fitch angling department, and later the San Francisco Fly Fisherman Ltd. store, the last vestige of Winston Rod Company after they traded South-Of-Market for Montana.

He was the first person I saw that trimmed graphite rods, taking a half inch off the tip or butt section to make the rod cast as it should – it didn’t matter that to the untrained eye it cast just fine – competitive casting was inches and feet, and shaving weight or refining taper was your only edge. Designer drugs and blood doping would come later to the Sporting Fraternity, in the past  only physics and artistry determined winners.

I never found out if it was Phil Miravalle or Jon that figured out to spool Amnesia onto a ten-speed rim, but watching the shooting head distance event always started with some out of town fellow unsnarling running line and the GGACC fellows looking either innocent or surprised, knowing they’d confounded the physics of it all.

Jon had a frail back and eventually had everything fused, preventing him from doing much of anything.

Old Guys and frailty are hand in hand, and I’m not sure whether it’s the mortality that makes a fellow receptive to passing on more than advice, or merely they’ve learned not to race us younger dimwits anymore.

In the last month I’ve acquainted myself with a new crowd of tough old birds, Shad chasers – fellows that cruise the American River river accesses looking for fish. Migratory fish and “crack of dawn” they’ll leave to young bucks, mortality and comfort takes a certain amount of visible fish to pry these fellows from the warmth of the truck.

Like the old guys at the casting club, the real event is to get out and mingle – leaving lawns uncut, petulant children asleep, and throwing enough gear in the back to categorize the outing as a fishing trip. Usually the only thing cast is cold coffee from a thermos cup – as the young fellows trickle back to the car after a morning of proving they’re tougher than the elements.

A friendly smile and welcoming banter, as they’re not racing us anymore – sullen and secretive is left to the young guys who’re are still vying for Alpha male – and the imaginary rep that goes with it.

Somewhere between the two is me, mostly I trudge back from the river under their watchful gaze, but I still listen more than I talk – so there’s a cup of coffee in it for me.

I remember the lessons of my youth, and never know whether the unshaven fellow with the friendly grin owns a rod company, or manages the local fly shop – their demeanor and tackle won’t give them away.

A battered fiberglass fly rod that’s likely caught more fish than I ever will, paired with a 60’s-era Pfleuger Medalist with a silvery patina of use. I’m in it for the camaraderie and the occasional nugget of information; what happened last week and what did it happen on … and these fellows can cite chapter and verse with the last couple of decades thrown in as backdrop.

It’s nice to know that there’s still a place in this sport for advanced age. All outdoor activity is physically strenuous, and once started down the diminishing physical path – there’ll still be a half hearted welcome from the perfumed tarts that follow in our footsteps.

I think that’s why the “Xtreme Fishing” movement is lost on me, some fellow declares himself a singularity by taking a fly rod to Mongolia, but the real stud is the old Mongol that endures the hand-wringing and tears – how blow driers are wasted space, and the Pizza Chopper isn’t coming.

Review – Fool’s Paradise, by John Gierach

Fool's Paradise, by John Gierach While laid up this weekend I had the opportunity to catch up on some of my reading, and John Gierach’s latest tome, “Fool’s Paradise” was at the top of the stack. It was an amusing and light read, something I sorely appreciated while running between bathrooms.

I confess I’ve never read any of his books, not because of anything haughty, just “Old Guy Eyeballs” that are shifting from 20-20 vision to a different prescription every other week. Makes my reading difficult and downright painful at times.

A loose fabrication of short essays about fishing for different species, punctuated with some stellar quotes and humorous anecdotes. It’s a traditional coffee table book, light and airy – neither technical nor taxing, akin to listening to your favorite grandfather recounting stories of his youth.

“I necessarily fear change except that it’s so seldom for the better. It’s just that I can live with any number of things going straight to hell as long as these streams continue to hold up. If this amounts to living in a fool’s paradise, don’t waste your time trying to explain that to the fool.”

It’s plain that Mr. Gierach is “old school” – one foot in the sport of his forefather’s, and the other in “contemporary” fly fishing. The marriage of the two “halves” drives both mirth and reflection on past outings and fish. Absent the technical jargon that plagues angling literature, he’s at ease with his skills and the honest pleasure of fishing dominates his nimble prose.

“I try to stay abreast of broad trends in the sport, but I guess I missed the moment when steelhead flies began to look and sound like sex toys.”

Gear and flies are an afterthought, despite veiled reference to the pleasure of bamboo rods, and he’s quick to point out those aren’t viable for anyone’s budget – despite the recent resurgence of the “cottage” artisans.

The book poses the author against a backdrop of fish species, pals, and odd circumstance. The unique struggles or tribulations to be successful in pursuit of each, punctuated by the humans and fauna that surround them.

“We always seem to be looking for places that aren’t used up yet so we can begin to use them up in our own small, modest way.” 

Time plays a pivotal role in most of the stories, and is met with the same tolerance of the inevitable; time lost, time squandered, and even perfect timing all play a part in every excursion. It’s as if the author wishes to reinforce that “time spent” is more important than all else, and both success and failure can be a worthy memory.

It’s a rare message akin to my own mantra, if it has fins and eats invertebrates there’s a helluva adventure waiting for someone.

“If things are going well and I’m getting out on the water every day, I’m probably getting enough fishing. If not, a fishing book just underscores what I want to be doing but can’t.”

Plenty of infirmity to underscore what I’d rather be doing, but I slurped my soup and let Mr. Gierach blaze the trail for me.

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Trendy ain’t what it’s cracked up to be

Red, sentient, and really pissed I can only assume I’m part of the larger malady, and you may have noticed the sudden quiet from my end of the Blogosphere. All I remember was a salad and a turkey-dog, then 48 hours of “Kill Me, please.”

The only thing quiet was the blog, as all my “ends” were suddenly clamoring for attention, with me hugging the Porcelain, suddenly really religious.

Little Red vine-ripened fruit, I salute you – and after three or four years, when I can look at you again, I may buy some more. Until then everything that resembles you has been banished from the pantry – and if I succumb to the desire of a BLT, I’ll slice a red donut.

Not being able to stray more than 13 feet from the water closet puts a crimp in fishing, but humor has returned so it appears I’ll survive.

The Sou’Wester meets the Burnoose

Hot Air Barons Fishermen have always gravitated to “whatever works, ” – and with declining revenue, less fish, and fuel costs, the choice may be as simple as a new career.

New Jersey’s commercial fishing fleet is the eighth largest in the US, and with the travails of the fishing industry well documented, they’re looking to branch out into the renewable energy market.

But the Garden State wants to be home to the U.S.’s first offshore wind farm. Fishermen’s Energy hopes to install eight turbines capable of 20 megawatts by 2011 off the coast of Atlantic City, and an additional 64 turbines and 320 megawatts by 2013.

I’ve always known fishermen to be the center of a lot of hot air, it’s about time we leveraged that gift for something material.

This small booklet explains it all, just three easy payments of …

Almost human, but the chasm is still quite wide It’s in my nature to be easily amused. Ever wonder about those television shows hawking vast fortunes you make through the miracle of the Internet? How with no work on your part, and reselling other folk’s products, you can make billions?

I keep running across these sites as they scavenge content from my site and other “real” human authors.

It’s simplicity itself, set a “robot” script to grab anything containing the words “trout” or “fishing” and your web site sprouts many dozens of articles daily – all without effort.

“Vast fortunes” don’t exist in fishing, so of all the choices available why go with a small niche – when “Dick Cheney” or “Jeffery Daumer” would yield millions of eager eyeballs?

Chalk it up to “a fool and his money…”

Sometimes the results are funny, as the robot does what it’s asked, but not as well as you could..

Extreme Fishing

What’s extreme fishing?

Only refinance mortgage refinance most exciting, most thrilling, most fun water sport ever created – that’s what!

a) Extreme fishing is fishing with a shot accident compensation claim adrenaline!
b) Extreme fishing is regular fishing on steroids!

Trout and salmon fishing in small water (such as streams and rivers) is extreme fishing!

Ice fishing is extreme fishing!

…(snip)…

Fly-fishing

Fly-fishing is used mainly for salmon and trout, and sometimes for pike, bass, and carp.

Fly-fishing involves tying artificial flies onto a hook with thread, fur, line car insurance and other materials, in sizes and colors to match naturally occurring food Chardonnay to excite a fish.

…(snip)…

Noodling isn’t the only way of catching fish by hand. In Britain, a more sedate version of hand fishing is “trout tickling.” This is the art of rubbing the underbelly of a trout with your fingers. The trout goes into a trance state after a minute or Refinance adjustable rate mortgage and can then be flipped onto the nearest bit of dry land.

That’s some that you have to know about Extreme Fishing.

I’ve replaced the hyperlinks with italics and shortened the blog entry considerably, but it was fun plagiarizing them for a change. Now that I understand what extreme fishing is – I can call my mortgage guy right away.

The “Chardonnay” bit is a well known guide secret – we feed it to you in large quantities, you pass out – and wake to us congratulating you on your 65th large fish brought to net. Six bucks worth of grape yields tenfold on the tip.

He got me on the “three types of Beef” post. I figured it was, dead, living, and massaged, but no:

The 3 Types Of Beef

Alright vegetarians, avert your eyes and cover those ears. Antidepressants is a topic that could create nightmares for all the granola crunchers out there.

Oh, My… who would’a thunk it?

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Civil Service, the only career that doesn’t have a "for dummies" guide

The Sacramento Bee reports that both anglers and hunters have shown a small positive gain in California. Everyone interviewed is aghast for an explanation, and some truly odd theories are being bandied about…

  • Baby Boomers are retiring so they have more time to hunt and fish.
  • Women are participating.
  • The Organic Food movement, an offshoot of “eat local” – wherein consumers are asked to reject foods from foreign locales – and seek food raised locally.

When you see a culinary trend like that, those who have been associated with hunting or fishing say, ‘ I can go get me some of that’, ” said Sonke Mastrup, Fish and Game deputy director. “It adds to the allure or prestige. Not only are you serving wild game to your friends, but it’s game you got yourself.”

I damn near exhaled coffee through my nose after reading the above gem. Leave it to a deputy director to demonstrate how little the department knows about who their constituency is and what motivates them.

I would find it much more believable were they simply to say, “we counted all the kids bringing handguns to school as hunters, and if we found a knife or garrotte on them, we figured they were fishermen too.”

With the preponderance of Earth types, Vegans, animal activists, and folks that believe “radishes have feelings” dominating the political skyline – to say these folks want to shed blood as it’s “organic” is pretty damn out-of-touch.

Most Californians start backpedaling when they realize you own a weapon, and if offered anything without a Safeway price tag, they’ll politely decline – as somehow it’s not sanitary.

Just my two cents, let the pennies fall where they may…

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An Alder sapling and some Bacon Rind

Carp on a dog biscuit, that's Old School On rare occasion my heart warms at the simplicity of it all, images of barefoot kids with alder branches and bent bobby pins – outfishing us carbon fiber augmented, Gore-tex lined, ballistic nylon equipped, and chemically sharpened City Swells – blissfully unaware of the trappings of “Power Angling” in favor of idling on the river bank with some leftover bacon rind.

Them days is long gone, but occasionally I’m allowed to be maudlin and silly.

Briefly the vision was restored upon seeing the underlying caption of the above picture, some fellow catching a monstrous Carp on a dog biscuit. I was hopeful as there wasn’t any gear present, no vendor label featured prominently on a rakish “curly-brim” – no Sage, Simm’s, or outward signs of the angling dilettante..

I’ve been misled before and checked arm position to “enhance” the photo – no fish eye lens detected, and the stern expression was okay – as his Mom might have said, “that’s wonderful Bob, You clean it.”

Nope, he’s a professional – and I’m still searching for that freckled kid with the fish twice as big as anything I’ve seen. Ma could be reading all them health conscious sites on the Internet, and Bacon’s been banned outright.

Tell me it ain’t so…

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It’s high enough not to get wet, it’s an elegant solution to an age old problem

Other than presentation, fly fishermen are rarely concerned with delicate and the “feed bag” should counter the lost time of the evening meal. Any dry fly fiend recognizes the awkwardness of dining while the hatch is ramping up, and Yum Brands has been listening – “multi-tasking professionals” are us – and for an extra half dollar, they’ll add the drink to the bag as well..

Gear up, strap on – and let cholesterol sort ’em out. Just remember to pause long enough to tell the fellow next to you what fly you’re using, speaking with your mouth full can confuse the poor chap unnecessarily.

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Miss Manners would cross herself and back away slowly

The Bible of good breeding It’s one thing to be early and lucky enough to stumble on fish no one knows about – but that happens so infrequently – it’s time to “soldier up” and plan on fishing betwixt other anglers.

Most anglers prefer the solitude and quiet, but it’s an antisocial luxury we cannot count on in semi-urban settings and with migratory fish.

Anything coming up the river is at the mercy of the first dam upstream, diminishing their historic range and concentrating them in whatever free-flowing portion remains. It makes fish accessible and breeds anglers in uncomfortable proximity. Rumors of fish fly as fast as the Internet, and like Stripers  running on the beach, a crowd can form in minutes.

There’s a big difference being the first guy on the fish versus being the last fellow to arrive. We’ve all lamented the boorish angler who makes our good fortune less so – some assistance in how to avoid being “that guy” can be useful.

If you’re the lucky SOB that got there first – you’re not keeping those fish, enjoy them in solitude as long as possible, but when the avenging hordes of fellow fishermen arrive, and they will, suck in the lower lip and share. It’s expected of you.

I really like fishermen, as they’re one of the few groups of humans that don’t seem to have boundaries. You can make small talk with a “gang-banger” or swap flies with a religious zealot, somehow vocation and color, class, sexual orientation, and political persuasion all take the day off.

I try to share my fish gracefully and recognize they’re not mine. If I’ve got a couple of stalwarts scanning the water, I’ll motion them over and put them onto the meat bucket with little reserve. It’s always more fun to fish with friends – and by doing so, I’ve made two more.

If you don’t they’ll be edging closer anyway – and I’d rather be whooping it up with new pals than endure those sulking predator poses as they “crab-walk” closer, hoping I don’t notice.

It’s different if you’re the last fellow arriving, greeted by a line of fellows casting like synchronized swimmers. There’s good reason for precision and a smart fellow spends a few moments observing what’s going on before blindly wading in at head or tail.

I want to know who’s doing the catching, and where are they in relation to the rest of the line? This’ll give a clue as to whether the head of the group or tail is closest to the “money.”

I always prefer to wade in at the head, it’s easier for me to judge whether I’m crowding the man below. Watch his casts to see how far upstream he’s quartering, then pick that limit as the entry point. You can guess how far the lowest fellow’s swinging his fly – but you can’t see it, so it’s much harder to judge.

Learn to be the gregarious outgoing type as a means of introduction. Ask the fellow below you whether you’re too close. Nobody likes a silent standoffish prick in their midst, so don’t act like one.

You will always crowd someone, there isn’t enough room in the Solar System to be far enough away from the fellow who arrived earlier, don’t expect to be greeted warmly – and thaw the SOB to the best of your abilities without seeming chatty or obnoxious.

If you’re in the middle you’ve got two obligations, to watch the man above and cast when he does, ensuring your fly lands downstream of his. The fellow below will be watching you, so don’t dawdle or screw around when in the thick of things. If either fellow hooks up yank your line in smartly and hang fire until he’s reaching for the net.

If the fellow loses it, mention how enormous it was and he’s fortunate not to have lost a hand to razor sharp teeth. If he’s a friendly type consider mentioning his questionable ancestry, and how your 3 year old could have done it in half the time…

Never squander an opportunity to insult your fellow angler.

Always “Belly up” to the line of anglers, wade out until you’re making a straight line with the fellow above and below. If something happens and you’re late in making the next cast your line will be directly downstream of you – no sense making friends by pulling your fly into the leg of your neighbor.

Always fish barbless, it’s not an option when “cheek to jowl” with a press of humanity in proximity. Some fellow is going to get a cell phone call reminding him where he should be, will lose track of his surroundings and walk into your cast, or some interested jogger will wander too close and take one in the face – he won’t know better, but you will.

We all wish it otherwise – but the combination of too few fish and too many fishermen requires refining those dormant social skills, it’s like a cocktail party with fish hooks and no liquor.

One Olive or two, Sweetpea?

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