Author Archives: KBarton10

Enough caffeine in that cup to keep me amped for a fortnight

You’d figure a fellow nice enough to bring a bottle would get treated better, but not knowing I was getting paid for the excursion – I just took him to the semi-crappy spots.

If I’d known there would be beef jerky, cigars, and real coffee – I’d have carried him through the discarded Pampers and medical waste. I might’ve run down to the Christmas tree lot, scored a couple fir trees, and stuck them near his backcast hoping he’d think it was the tall pines of the Sierra’s…

 

Instead, he got an invitation to the “Four Lane” club; itself a rarified and heady experience – with membership limited to those who’ve caught a fish larger than four inches while fishing from the center divider of a four lane freeway.

… but, it hardly compares to the “care package” I got.

SMJ’s reward for upgrading our stash of coffee beans and cigars was four miles of gravel bed, questionable company, and a meager helping of unwilling fish.

Fishing isn’t fair, but exotic foodstuffs requires justice, dammit.

Peet Two pounds of Peet’s French roast proves Singlebarbed can be bought – and cheaply. No fancy Orvis endorsements necessary, no need for rods or flies bearing our stamp, we’ll stand in line with Bank of America, Morgan Stanley, AIG, and GM, and take ours off the top.

Thanks for the wonderful gifts, SMJ – sorry the fishing was so poor…

He doesn’t move too fast after he’s been skewered

If a healthy shrimp can move that fast without sign of fatigue, I can only imagine what speed he’d achieve if dropped on the Barbie…

Healthy shrimp ran and swam at treadmill speeds of up to 20 meters per minute [66 feet per minute] for hours with little indication of fatigue.”

To further challenge the healthy shrimp, the researchers designed a small backpack made of duct tape to add extra load to the shrimp. With the extra weight and lowered oxygen, they were active for up to an hour.

If this kind of physical agility is indicative of more than shrimp – perhaps extending to some of the other bait groups without offensive capability,  It might alter my thoughts on a retrieve. Pauses while stripping may be the opposite of what the bait actually does – and with no defenses it may run until safe or it’s eaten.

We’ve spent so much time examining bugs and very little researching behavior on all those minnows, crayfish, shrimp, and other opportunistic foods – it could be we’ve been lulled into complacency by their aquarium behavior.

Happy Thanksgiving

There’s football on the “Telly” – Ma’s in a panic in the kitchen, and your only responsibilities are to lounge around and overeat to the point of complete folly..

 

Here’s hoping everyone made it to your table safely, and there’s enough couch space to accommodate the Thanksgiving Food Induced Coma that follows…

 

We won’t discuss all the white tipped Turkey tail we’ve consumed this season – turkey’s have it hard enough already.

Rivers in Motion: The Yellowstone

The Yellowstone DVD The lads at DryFly Media sent me a DVD entitled: “Rivers in Motion: The Yellowstone” – it’s a novel idea akin to “visual white noise” – the sights and sounds of the best stretches of your favorite river to put you at peace with the world…

Knowing that Singlebarbed wouldn’t be at peace if the Holy Ghost hisself was present, I volunteered to give it a look see.

No, it didn’t lull me to sleep, but it made the fly tying 10% faster. The omnipresent roar of big water in the background made me feel like I was tying on a park bench before the hatch started in earnest. Tongue firmly sandwiched between teeth, casting furtive glances at the monitor to see if the fish are rising yet –  and the only thing missing was the afternoon breeze sending my materials flying.

It played hell with my blood pressure.

I watched/listened to a couple of the scenes at home with my tinny little headphones – which destroyed the entire purpose,  so I swapped it out for the Dolby SurroundSound setup, which upstaged the book my girlfriend was reading – who stomped off to bed in a huff.

In the right hands this could be a powerful tool, clear the ManCave with the sounds of thunderous, slippery, rapids then enjoy the bliss of tying uninterrupted. 

I took it to work to try it there, had a couple simple speakers meant for cubicle use and with a pair of monitors had the Yellowstone flowing down one screen and a document in the other … worked swimmingly, but I had to turn it down whenever the humans intruded.

The guy next to me leans over, “Dude, you frying bacon in there?”

“No, Meathead – that’s the sound of some severe Blueline rapids filled with ravenous giant trout.”

He grabs the DVD cover, “Yellowstone, I got to go there. You going there?”

“I was there until you poked your nose into the cubicle, now I’m having trouble breathing through my eye lids, my aura is out of kilter, and your fruitless search for a free donut has messed with my ‘Happy Place.'”

In short, the audio dictates most of effect, 10 different stretches of the Yellowstone filmed for 9 minutes duration, and you absorbing it all via computer screen or TV/Stereo.

I found myself wishing there was some fellow fishing, or a herd of something peacefully grazing within the view of the camera, adding the perspective of size to the mass of water flowing past. All in all it was an interesting experiment.

The final scene hosted a large pod of fish munching their way through a nice hatch. That was a difficult watch – as the volume of rises and their frequency had me extolling the cameraman, ” .. are you a Man, to hell with the video, get a rod and get down there, dammit.”

I think adding a couple fellows fishing has potential – you’d have to edit out all the swearing, but watching another fisherman fish would likely glue you to each episode. It’s the reality of fishing, it’s so rare that you’re alone on a river these days – it’s almost part of the experience.

Something for the stocking this Xmas – or something to send someone whose been shoveling his driveway for three months, and hasn’t touched a rod for same … it’ll likely torment hell out of this erstwhile pal.

The most dangerous encounter a fly fisherman can expect?

I hadn’t ever considered the high risk nature of the hobby, but after reading the recital of ills, they missed tromping on medical waste while wading, but that’s a recent hazard – known only to us locals.

...and they left out all the really deadly stuff

There’s a lot we take for granted, mostly because it’s home turf and we’ve seen most of the repertoire; bears, mountain lions, rattlesnakes, are all part of the surroundings. While we’re often surprised by their appearance, most of us know how to conduct themselves properly and not elevate the risk.

Our California Brown and Black bears may seem fearsome to those unacquainted with them, but they’re mostly curious and hungry – not looking for a confrontation. Bear cubs start me backpedaling in a hurry, however.

Places like Alaska and Montana have real bears and multiple critters that can stomp a human without breaking a sweat. Despite the long list of perils I can’t believe they missed the most dangerous foe in the woods:

  • The typical McDonald’s meal ingested at sea level, prior to the climb to altitude, and subsequent stoppage of normal body function.

Almost all of my near death experiences have a pre-dawn departure with some fellow in the back seat insisting on coffee and an Egg McMuffin. It’s Old Scratch whispering in your ear – and we fall for it every single time.

Roughfisher and the Lost Graveyard of Antron Yarn

Snowbound and at wit’s end, Roughfisher grits his teeth and accompanies his bride shopping. At his darkest hour and with purse in hand he stumbles into the millinery aisle – to find the lost graveyard of Antron yarn.

All us brownline types are cost conscious – sided by strong women who don’t complain when a dump truck of yarn shows in the driveway.

Modern Dentistry lags angling by a couple of decades

There’s too close a parallel between a visit to the dentist and angling.

Some hammy handed stranger wads steel in your mouth – and while you flop helplessly in the chair, they comment on all your imperfections, take pictures and then release you with a smirk.

Makes me wonder whether fish have the same reaction – disappearing from view and shaking their head to rinse the finger flavor out.

I floss regularly, especially on traditional dress salmon flies and wets – but I’m constantly scolded I’m not flossing enough. I tell him I prefer natural dubbing over floss, and I get that same pained expression – just before he punctuates the message by strumming a nerve ending.

Are we being fished, and is that the root cause of our fear? All my appointments are morning and evening, corresponding to the periods of peak fish activity. The hygienists are largely attractors – yet it doesn’t appear they’ve embraced important tenets like Matching the Hatch.

You’d assume that an 8:00AM appointment wouldn’t limit the choices of fluoride to Strawberry or Bubblegum. I’d rinse savagely if they offered  Bacon and Eggs or Coffee, perhaps evening sessions should include Steak or Chicken Chow Mein rinse, or perhaps a couple fingers of Scotch.

Too much circumstantial evidence not to make an angler uneasy, as dental terminology and fly fishing share common ground:

Bite stick vs fly rod – something the dentist wads in your mouth to determine bite alignment. Something a fly fisherman throws in disgust when he isn’t bit.

Drift vs Drift – unwanted teeth movement. Unwanted fly movement.

Space maintainer vs thrown rock – a device that preserves the gap between teeth when a tooth is removed. A device that preserves the gap between fishermen when a fisherman is removed.

Forensic dentistry vs Catch and eviscerate – The area of dentistry that assists the legal and law enforcement community. The kind of fishing where a really big hook is removed from a really small fish, typically accompanied by squeezing too hard while wrestling steel from soft tissue.

Ernest Syndrome vs Ernest Schweibert syndrome – A facial pain syndrome typified by spontaneous pain on the side of the face. A pained expression that results when the fish is neither trout nor salmon, or Scotch is blended versus a single malt.

Cleft Lip/Palate vs Catch and Release –  A common craniofacial defect in which the upper lip and nose form incorrectly during embryonic development. An imperfection in the face of a salmonid caused by catch and release regulations during embryonic development.

Air Abrasion vs Poorly tied –  A resurgence of an old technique whereby cavities are prepared with a device similar to a sandblaster. The spontaneous decomposition of a fly due to inexperienced tyer and heavy handed casting.

Hare Lip vs Hare’s Ear –  A politically incorrect and historical term for a cleft lip. A political incorrect term for scalping a defenseless bunny and insisting the crime was warranted.

Too damn much common ground for us not to dread the bi-annual gauntlet of pain and suffering. It might be the proof positive that fish do feel pain.

I’m scheduled for an early morning dissection, I’ve found that if you scream and swear enough the hygienist will flee in panic, allowing you to palm a half dozen root canal tools – they’re great dubbing teasers.

The re-emergent Thomas-Phelps-Xuron, it’s hard to keep a simple design in obscurity

I’ve known it by many names – but mostly it’s “the vise I can’t get rid of…”

One of my buddies found one at a flea market, it was an original “Thomas Vise” complete with a sheet metal C-clamp. Elsie and Harry Darbee swore by it, and it enjoyed a brief resurgence as the “Catskill Vise” – never manufactured as such, just a common name for the old Thomas specimens still in existence.

I owned my first when it was the “Phelp’s Vise” – bought a second one for parts from Peter Phelps after it was rechristened the “Xuron”. It was popular with Eric Leiser and some of the eastern tiers in the Eighties, but like all simple, elegant, sturdy designs, it vanished.

A fly tying vise without any moving parts doesn’t wear out; no “forcing collars” to split, no seals or gaskets, no midge jaws to break – and even when you turn a stainless steel 3/0 into a pretzel – there’s nothing in the assembly to protest or groan.

The best part is they’re making it again.

It’s still called the “Xuron” vise – and in this day and age of rotating gizmo vises, its price falls into the “entry level” of fly tying tools. The Deluxe model with pedestal base is $160.

That’s a far cry from the $400 contemporary miracles of rotary design – and it still offers a feature you can’t buy in any other vise, the base has a “ball and socket” joint that allows you to adjust both the attitude of the jaws, and tilt the vise to any degree in the “X , Y” coordinate plane. You can pull the vise jaws backward into an upright position, or thrust them forward and rotate the jaw to make the shank of a salmon-double level.

Simple screw to tighten, and palm pressure to rotate It appears the only change to the vise is the presence of a “knurled” knob where the Allen screw used to be.  We modified the design by rotating the head 180 degrees (so the tightening lever is on the far side) and replaced the screw with a small “L” shaped bar of metal so we could rotate the jaws into a new position by pressing your palm against the bar.

The knurled knob isn’t as easy to manipulate while tying – so I’d recommend modifying the assembly, or asking the vendor whether he still stocks the old threaded “bar” – or can modify the assembly for you.

Some companies still do that – it’s called “customer service.”

Which is the “best” vise is hotly debated in every fly tying forum available on the Internet. “Best” seems to be important to new tiers – while us old guys are more interested in what works. This is the “General Practitioner” of fly tying vises – able to accommodate hook sizes from 6/0 to 26 with the same single tightening motion – and handles the rarified styles like Waddington shanks and tube flies with a tilt and tighten.

Considering the contemporary vises I’ve used – which seem to be moving into more of a “specialized” style, with a plethora of knobs, dials, and gauges to handle hook sizes and styles – this vise is uncommon.

It’s rare that simplicity reasserts itself – I must not be the only fan, as someone still thinks there’s plenty of life left in the design. After putting about a quarter million flies through it in the last 20 years – all on the same set of jaws, I’m sure you’ll find this tool more than meets your needs.

Christmas is heading our way, and it’s going to be a tough holiday what with the turmoil in markets and decline in the economy. Maybe this is worth a second look – it may be the “best” price for the service you’ll get.

Mashed flat or swallowed whole, the fate of the legless frog

It’s a systematic exploitation of every living thing in the watershed, and in pursuit of large fish – it’s best to leave no stone unturned.

I’m on the second “alpha” prototype – struggling with how to make the head wider without altering the physics or causing some instability in construction. “Wider” has always been the nemesis of fly tying as hook shanks are narrow and bodies have to be bulked up using benign materials; you can’t use bulky materials that float if you’re designing a sinking fly, and vice versa.

They’re constantly underfoot so I’ll assume they’re eaten with the same enthusiasm shown by Herons and Egrets. The ATV crowd mashes a million of them at every river crossing – guts, fins, eyeballs, and stunned tadpoles tumble down into the deep water routinely.

 

I’m fiddling with the details of retrieve, silhouette and weight. I’d describe the naturals as a muted brown streak that instantly buries itself when its flight is complete. I pile on the lead, fling it at the far bank, count two – then give it a yard long pull.

One large bass pulled the line out of my hands on the take – so he thought it looked good. A half dozen smaller bass ate it so there was some small consensus. Pikeminnow haven’t touched it yet, but with only a couple outings that’s not proof of much.

Tied on the above kirbed Togen Scud hook, and weighted to ride upside down; shank filled with 2 Amp fuse wire, broadened with chenille tied in on the sides, and cover the result with “Sable” boa yarn (mixed brown and gold).

Rain is in the forecast which will cut into the ATV hatch, I may sneak out between showers this weekend for more conclusive testing.

I just need an Oral Surgeon with a sense of humor

Nothing a little floss couldn't fix Face it, we’re in the wrong line of work.

Your parent’s tried to steer you down the path; the prestige of having M.D or D.D.S on a business card, white lab coats and fawning assistants – but no, we cut class, smoked cigarettes and took the gentlemen’s path through all that heady coursework.

For me an “offsite” meeting describes some feel-good séance where I struggle to remain awake. Lead by some Armani-clad charismatic that berates me for my archaic notions of work ethic, chastises me for not employing [insert cutting edge acronym here] management style, and shudders at the thought I don’t coddle my peers or provide milk and cookies..

I tolerate the initial barrage, knowing I can get an uninterrupted nap when I point out that GM and AIG used whatever philosophy is being peddled – and a fat lot of good it did them.

They usually stop calling on me after that.

If I’d stuck to the straight and narrow – I could’ve cut quite the figure in a white lab coat, and all my seminars would’ve involved a float plane and a vendor picking up the tab…

Streamside Seminars LLC is an organization dedicated to presenting a quality dental/medical educational experience in a beautiful fishing environment.

Our destination seminars include places where mother nature has done some of her best work.

… so you can take a big dull hook and rearrange all that symmetry, gasp at the damage –  run back to the Lodge and pull the oral surgeon out of the bar so’s he can test that new root canal auger?

That sounds kind of sweet – and figuring you’ll eventually find a prankster of like mind, you can throw a set of crowns on a big Brown, and scare hell out of next week’s guests.

“Esthetics Without Compromise”
This course presents an opportunity for in-depth analysis of the esthetic needs of your patient, the science behind vital tooth esthetics and chair-side time considerations.

The trip is $5000 and the fee for the course $200, the classic boondoggle wherein some leggy pharma-representative hawks the benefits of a pricey procedure to guys intent on breakfast so they can be first in line for the boats that don’t leak.

Still sounds a helluva lot better than a high pitched lecture from a scented Marshmallow.