As I’ve always batted for average four out of five ain’t bad …  and the only reason sex was omitted was due to the target sample being mostly fishermen, who are so deep in the Doghouse that’s no longer an option.

(HealthDay News) — A combination of four unhealthy behaviors — smoking, lack of exercise, poor diet and substantial alcohol consumption — greatly increases the risk of premature death, a new study has found.

I’d suggest those same four demons increases your chances of a successful outing, as they’re the crucial components of our piscatorial double helix.

Smoking has been deeply ingrained in the sport by all the “woodsy” advertising of yesteryear. Poppa, looking particularly well dressed in starched hip waders and plaid shirt, accessorized deftly with a Prince or Bent Bulldog, while the family claps gleefully at the prospect of dinner.

Gleefully because they know they’ll be having chocolate milk shakes and burgers after Pop returns fishless – It’s a family tradition and Poppa’s age old mistake.

Smoke does make a impenetrable bug barrier – and as the squadrons of blood sucking Winged Death pirouette to something tasty or tender, a well aimed puff of cheap cigar can send them spiraling elsewhere.  The proximity of water, damp fingers, and the unsavory habit of biting off the end of the cigar results in a sodden dog turd – flavored with a bit of hot charcoal. As the cigar is jettisoned into the cold clear water, breath is enough to keep all but the foolhardy at a respectable distance.

Three hundred and sixty four days a year we smile pleasantly at the steaming vegetables and raw fruit deserts, insist our kids eat doubly so, and then with Momma’s tear-streaked face waving from the driveway – head for the mountains and a clandestine rendezvous with greasy waxed paper, heat lamp French fries with chili and cheese, sour cream and sprinkles …

… and a diet Coke, which like the Pope’s blessing, somehow removes all artery clogging agents and guilt.

There is plenty of exercise in fishing, the problem is we only go nine times per year. Six hours into the Opener we’re invoking deities and foreswearing greasy anything – penance for stopping at both Jack in the Box and Mickey Dee’s. As we huff our way up those increasingly steep flat spots, peering in vain for a glimmer of our automobile amongst the pines, we’re full of the same steely resolve that failed to fill our fly boxes last winter.

Alcohol consumption puts us to bed on Saturday, and allows us to move come Sunday. As we stifle the groan rediscovering all those little muscles that atrophied during the Winter, grew flaccid under the regimen of corn chips and football, and are so crucial to equilibrium when wading.

Saint Bernard’s deliver liquor to skiers – amateur and professional alike. A well hidden pint can work miracles so long as you’re not the fellow driving. Tucked into the vest next to the toilet paper you stole from the motel – knowing when Mickey Dee’s finally releases its grip on your vitals, it’ll be midstream and with waders cinched tight.

… which is why you’ll die prematurely, you might’ve made the bank with felt soles.

Tags: premature death, healthy lifestyle, fishing humor, felt soles, fishing vest, diet coke, Trout season opener