Questionable sense of humor, suspect hygiene, butchery of English – all the important traits end with my passing.
Sure, I have regrets. Not being able to slap a “My kid is doing 5 to Life at San Quentin” placard on my bumper is one, but I’ll get over it.
It’s my firm conviction that only a childless human can teach the truly valuable lessons in life, the rest of you are emotionally tied to the little snot, and your judgment is impaired.
… and with less than two weeks before the “Second Greatest Holiday” ever, there’s a lot of parents wrestling with the “too much sugar” lecture … the “how do I repossess all the candy” tearful scene, and how to sneak all the Snicker bars out of that awesome loot – without the kid knowing…
Think costume choice.
“The Little Fisherman” above solves all parenting woes; from the apple-imbedded-razorblade, to the multi-day sugar-induced-tantrum.
Dad will know all the right answers automatically:
“Well, Angel-kins, we have to release the Snickers as the last two blocks were ‘Catch & Release’, and they’re protected. Hand them to me quickly, I’ll put them in the toilet so they can spawn (wink) …”
“No, Sweetums, we don’t keep the stepped-on candy, those are ‘invasive sweets’ that if we bring home will infest Ma’s carpet …”
“I don’t know where the big bag of candy went, Cupcake. Unless you beat it six or seven times with a bat – it must’ve swam off … ”
“No, Precious, the lights are off at Mr. Johnson’s house because he doesn’t fish.”
“You have to potty? Right here on the lawn is fine, you’re a ‘little fisherman’ and like big fishermen, you get to do that anywhere.”
For those parents struggling with older offspring the lessons are just as easy:
“Hey Meathead, the Johnson’s haven’t returned any of the tools they borrowed, how about applying a little “spawning” action on the way by? Take a dozen eggs, and “milt” his Rhododendrons with this 12 pack of Charmin Ultra Soft ..”
“Hey Penitentiary Face, fishing hours are from dusk till someone tells you to put “10 fingers on the fender.” That’s the warden – and if he takes you back to headquarters don’t call me or your mother, just find a seat against a wall…”
It’s tough having all the good ideas, but as most of you are beginners and have sworn off any further attempts (based on your current progeny), I figured you’d welcome assistance.
Tags: Halloween, second greatest holiday, fisherman costume, parental lessons, Snickers, Catch & Release, invasive candy, spawning
Things happen for a reason, some things don’t happen for a reason. Nuff said.
This is good advice, seeing I just returned from finding out my 5th child will be a boy! of course, before leaving THE OFFICE my wife says “now we have to do this one more time because i KNOW we are suppose to have another girl”….we have 4 boys and a 1 girl.
Seeing how I too have chosen not to reproduce, I cant totally relate to your costume choice and train of thought. Lucky for me, here in Fiji we do not have Halloween. So I just go out and buy some Snickers for myself and do not have to share them with any rugrats.
Tight lines
And what if your parents had felt this way? You wouldn’t be here today to comment. There are no “bad” children, imo, but parents who don’t know or don’t care enough to raise them properly. And it is easier to pick out what parents do wrong when we are not parents than it is to admire the wonderful innocence and beauty of a child.
No, to admire the wonderful innocence and beauty of a child takes no effort at all. It just comes naturally.
Not wanting to beat the crap out of bad parents takes a great deal of self control.