It may come as no surprise but the publishers at Intermedia Outdoors are Vegan,  meatless – it’s the only explanation. Every cover features a model that feels he must pose with a yard of large trout emanating from his crotch.

We’ve silently endured “The Pose” for years; heroic figure, semi-crouched in water, large fish gripped with both hands, fullsome white-toothed smile that beckons the unwary with, “If you buy me and exhalt me above all others, this too can be you.”

If the advertising geniuses at Fly Fisherman figure the battle is won or lost in the magazine rack of the supermarket, then get some scantily clad supermodels into the mixture – that way you can compete with “NASCAR Honey” on a level playing field… and if Madison Ave must intrude, then give us some quality content to match.

I am ill prepared for the guy selling me waders to ask, “Do you dress to the left, or to the right?”  Questions abound, how often must I floss to achieve the “cover” smile? – are padded shoulders on my vest considered tacky?

I can’t afford to look like a beginner by responding, “Dress, Huh? Whassat?”

In addition to salmo-endowment, models-as-anglers have no visible sweat, dirt, or any real proof that they caught the fish they are holding. These pictures are doctored, possibly even “enhanced” as did Playboy – via liberal use of an airbrush. If they clean the grime off the cap would they hesitate to stretch the fish six additional inches?

I have been lucky to catch one or two large trout – in a lifetime of angling. These covers trivialize that magic moment – no sign of sweat from chasing the beast down river, no wetness from a fall into the water at the dead run, no panting uncontrollably – as adrenaline flushes out of your system, and no exultation – knowing this is a fish of a lifetime.

Instead we get “trout porn” – featuring models antiseptically clean, flawless white smile, heroic pose.

I am resigned to a prominent bulb of masking tape on my sunglasses, small fish, sand kicked in my food at the beach, and the ridicule of the reigning angling nobility.

No, Mr Leo Hindery, owner of both Fly Fisherman and Guns & Ammo, my money shall not be added to your coffers, and if you lack sausage, buy a pizza.