You think it’s a bloody laugh riot, what with my admission of strange yearnings and unnatural obsessions…

I’ll have you know it’s required of California residents to be leaning one way or another, and be a mite twitchy – one foot within mainstream society – and the other elsewhere, where no one dares ask and I sure as hell ain’t telling …

Especially not to the Feds.

The chase scene won’t be played out on some sterile SoCal freeway with the police cruisers at respectable distance – that “red carpet” treatment is reserved for celebrities.

It seems the majority of my readership assumes I’m responsible for most of the Satanic rituals performed in their township, and each evening I thread my way through the phalanx of stern looking suits, while I explain to your local law enforcement, “… no, I’ve never been to Three Forks, never been to Montana, and if your citizenry is afraid to walk the streets at night because of some local wing-nut, whack-job, Unabomber-type – it’s your own damn fault and none of my doing.”

“… and did either of them SOB’s look like Trigger – ‘cause I could use some more of that Golden Ginger .. Nothing, I didn’t say nothing ..”

The Gallatin County Sheriff’s Office said Sandy O’Rourke of Three Forks called Oct. 17 and reported someone had taken the tails off two of her horses and cut part of the mane from a third, The Bozeman Daily Chronicle reported Thursday.

The theft came a month after Bob and Connie Riley of Dillon reported the theft of the hair from their horse’s tail, investigators said.

– via UPI.com

It’s bad enough that I’ve got the Department of Fish & Game eyeballing me from the neighbor’s roof, now I’ve got to deal with the collective ills of the rest of the continent laid at my doorstep.

Remember, I have the utmost respect for my quarry, which is why I usually sign my work …