Monthly Archives: August 2010

A River of Champagne Runs Through It

Yellowstone guides are so affectionate Paris Hilton has anglers backpedaling in a tizzy with her recent confession that she adores fishing ..

… and I like to go fishing and I like to go look at frogs. I’m really random like that.

– via HollywoodNews.com

Leave it to a socialite and outsider to boil the essence of the outdoor experience down into human terms, and with  understated elegance.

It’s plain angling writers have been on an unproductive tangent describing the heroics and hardship of accumulating angling wisdom, and eloquence was lost in the fog of war …

… we like frogs too, and random, but only when it pertains to our showing for work.

When queried of her upcoming reality show with Lindsay Lohan; where Paris and Lindsay portray fly fishing guides in Yellowstone, Montana, there was no comment.

Pre-production is rumored to have started with working title, “A River of Champagne Runs Through It” – but we’ve been unable to confirm or deny any detail.

Paris Hilton, fishing, I’m random like that, fly fishing guides, Yellowstone, fly fishing humor, complete fabrication

We’ve always known our wet flies and nymphs were sexy, it was them dry fly fashionistas that never believed us

I can remember listening intently while it was explained that attractor flies have relied on the color red, as it was the color of blood and should excite any predator.

The Woman in Red

The real truth has been revealed that anything in red is twice as seductive as other colors, and while fly fishing’s founding fathers insisted it was blood, they were really playing fast and loose with a fish’s emotions.

Simply wearing the color red or being bordered by the rosy hue makes a man more attractive and sexually desirable to women, according to a series of studies by researchers at the University of Rochester and other institutions. And women are unaware of this arousing effect.

Naturally the American Museum of Fly Fishing blames all them Victorian eurotrash for another in a long string of sports scandals, all the while convinced Theodore Gordon was both chaste and pure of heart. Anyone actually reading Gordo’s book on dry flies knows he was a cocksman, as every third etching has some fulsome yet anonymous babe draped on the bank.

For the collector it means any fly fishing book authored in the last century is liable to be fuel for a puritanical purge that should drive their value into orbit.

Along with this learned association between red and status, the authors point to the biological roots of human behavior. In non-human primates, like mandrills and gelada baboons, red is an indicator of male dominance and is expressed most intensely in alpha males. Females of these species mate more often with alpha males, who in turn provide protection and resources.

“When women see red it triggers something deep and probably biologically engrained,” explains Elliot. “We say in our culture that men act like animals in the sexual realm. It looks like women may be acting like animals as well in the same sort of way.”

– via Science Daily

… and it’s obvious there’s a few loose ends, as most women seeing red are possessed by something deep and primitive, but it’s usually thrown crockery and a couple of snapped fly rods that results.

The volume of fly fishing magazines whose cover is adorned by stern looking Marlboro-men wearing red shirts and dirty ball caps? About 87%, which translates into nearly 46% of the sales destined for beauty parlors and woman that aren’t angry yet …

females attracted to red, the lady in red, fly fishing, attractor flies, Theodore Gordon, cocksman, fly fishing humor, the color of blood

I had similar endless questions, and disregard for wise council, only the fly fishing instruction was less perverse

I’m fixing him with my best grizzled guide Mac Daddy look, hoping I resemble in betwixt pure menacing and and just plain ornery mean, while I snarl, “… and you think you’re ready for dry flies, eh?”

“Sure, as you ain’t got a truck, I can drive us up to the woods and we can try some stream fishing – with cold water and trout …”

“ … and backlashes, and swift water, and gossamer tippets, wary trout, invasive species, a predawn McDonald’s colon plug, a side of rarified casting, quiet water that you can’t splash in, nine phases of the mayfly lifecycle, tactical clothing, fly floatant and application of same, gusty winds, perilous sharp edged rocks, mosquitoes, rubber soles, wading staffs, long leaders, and you ain’t even mastered the Roll cast yet?”

“Yea, that.”

“You want to leave hungry and desperate fish in a private game preserve, within walking distance of your house, cold refreshment, and a nap – in favor of hot, sweaty, public, and hard?”

“Well, yea …”

Ignoring reason and wise council is a critical part of fly fishing – almost as crucial as ignoring weather forecasts and hygiene … yet before we head for the Pristine and all the perils that await you, you’ll need to abandon fancy and embrace science ..

The Royal Coachman of the slack water

We’ve done big and gaudy, small and wiggly, and bright and ponderous, now we’ll learn to match the hatch, where we fish a reasonable facsimile of what the fish really eat. I call it “WidderMaker” and if you can avoid burying it in an arse cheek and bleeding to death, we’ll consider your apprenticeship complete.

“This floats right? I mean, this is a dry fly?”

“Which leader should I use, the 7.5’ or the 9 footer?”

“Do I put floatant on it?”

Lucky Dragon

“Hey, this is kind of fun.”

“That’s the biggest bass I’ve caught here.”

“… and the biggest bluegill too, I can’t believe they eat this.”

“I like this, it’s visual.”

Widdermaker gutslams another

I don’t think the bug lasted more than seven seconds without something attempting to eat it, evidenced by the bluegill snacking on my Widdermaker in the picture below … making it the Thrill that comes Once in a Lifetime …

They won't even leave it alone long enough to snap the picture

“For over a thousand years Roman conquerors returning from the wars enjoyed the honor of triumph, a tumultuous parade. In the procession came trumpeters, musicians and strange animals from conquered territories, together with carts laden with treasure and captured armaments. The conquerors rode in a triumphal chariot, the dazed prisoners walking in chains before him. Sometimes his children robed in white stood with him in the chariot or rode the trace horses. A slave stood behind the conqueror holding a golden crown and whispering in his ear a warning: that all glory is fleeting.”
– Gen. George C. Patton

If I only knew then what I know now – the spiral downward would have less gut wrenching.

I suppose most of our experiences were similar, something magical and foreign mixed with a dab of science, and suddenly luck has much less influence than first thought. I had the same disregard for wisdom, the same endless questions, only Pop was much less perverse in his instruction.

Dry fly, George C. Patton, Dragonfly, mayfly lifecycle, scientific angling, fly fishing lessons, warm water fishery, trout, grizzled guide