There’s a cadre of coaches to groom candidates on the smallest of details – and what’s blurted out during the primary is refined into easily digestible sound bytes for the election.

Some hideous side of my character has always wanted a presidential election to rest solely on the angler vote. Perhaps it’s because we can finally ignore the issues that placate elements of left and right like family values and carbon taxes; we can waive the issues we’re not sure we understand – and we know he doesn’t – like stem cell research or drilling off Malibu, and focus on just the fishing angle … as unimportant and fractious as that might be …

… seeing Dan Rather with a straight face, asking insightful questions akin to, “Mr. President, do you think it fair to have fish forced to copulate, strip them of their children, raise them in an urban setting surrounded by concrete, then force them into the wild without food – and subject them to a gauntlet of marshmallow-laden treble hooks?”

You have to admit you’d be riveted, especially with NBC and your family asking whether he’d pooched the answer or no…

We won’t have the pleasure anytime soon, but as the UK attempts to form a coalition government, the Angling Times was put in an enviable position as it interviewed the Opposition Party’s candidate for Prime Minister, David Cameron.

As it’s not my election, nor am I privy to a single solitary issue – we are allowed free reign.

“Angling isn’t just safe, we will actively promote it. I am a fan of fishing.”

The above sounds suspiciously like the “some of my best friends are fishermen” coached response. “Fans” are for organized sports, not the disorganized, every-man-for-hisself, rabble that fishing is so famous for …

Q: Can you tell us if you’ve ever fished?

“I’ve got quite a good fishing heritage. My grandfather was a brilliant fly fisherman and I remember when we went on holiday together up in North Wales and we had a picnic on the banks of the River Clwyd. My sock floated off down the river and he cast for it and got it on the third time. It was 20 yards downstream and flying down the river, and I remember thinking ‘what a God among men’. He was a very good angler and also had pike to 24lb.

“I still do a bit of fishing, but not as much as I’d like to. I went mackerel fishing with the children this summer and we ate everything we caught, I’m pleased to say. I do a very good smoked mackerel paté.”

A point for mentioning fly fishing, two more for comparing talented fly fishermen with gods – but undone by the smoked mackerel paté reference (at least in the Colonies), and losing his sock might be equated to misplacing a hangar full of MIRV’s, so it’s a wash.

Q:How important do you perceive recreational angling to be in this country?

“Incredibly important. There are four million people who, in one way or another, take part in fishing and it’s an incredibly widespread sport that a lot of people get an enormous amount of pleasure out of.

“I am an outdoors person. I love growing my own vegetables, I love being in the countryside, I love walking, I like fishing. I like all these things. It is a great way to spend time outdoors and to have a pastime, to take exercise, and it’s something we should be encouraging.

“Fishing is very good on every level. Whether it is well-being, whether it is bio-diversity, whether it is understanding nature, I’m a fan and a supporter.”

The numbers suggest his pollsters have him up to speed, but vegetable growing first – fishing mentioned fourth. Any presidential candidate worth his salt would have mentioned “I grew dope in college, but never inhaled”… and if fishing was second, he’s a stoned throw from coronation.

Q: How can you assure anglers that the Conservative Party is the party for anglers?

“First of all, the leader of the party likes fishing and that is a good start. In any given year I will be trying to catch a mackerel or trying to catch a trout. The main thing is that we will have a team in DEFRA who understand and support all country sports, including angling, which is the most popular. And I think in terms of the policies we are developing, which are pro bio-diversity, pro countryside, pro sport, I think you will have a very, very big listening ear to speak to.”

Which is about what I’d expect from a fellow running for office. He’ll listen plenty while running for office, not so much once elected. The only bright spot being his equanimity for all types of fishing:

“We need to make sure we don’t over-emphasise game fishing as against coarse fishing. We need to be balanced. We won’t forget sea anglers either, who are one of the fastest growing parts of fishing.”

… so he may have swayed some of the Brownline contingent, but all in all I’d say it was a pretty miserable showing.

Our version would have some apoplectic senator at the other podium, coifed and controlled until his pollsters saw this as a final gasp, in which case he’d pound lectern and insist, “dammit Bob, you ain’t been fishing since you was twelve, and by all accounts you were a complete sissy-bitch!”

… “Mr. President, you have thirty seconds for a counter-rebuttal…”

Tags: fishing politics, Angling Times, Opposition party, David Cameron, brownline, coarse fishing, presidential debate, didn’t inhale, fly fishing