I struggled with batting averages largely because I’d hoped everyone would forget mine. Being the KPL (Kid Picked Last) carries a blacker mark than Mister Irrelevant as it amounts to a youthful version of shunning …
Pro Bass anglers have statistics too. They endure CAV (catch average value), MAV (money average value), and LAV (limit average value) – and I’m sure they’re held to task by their cigar chomping manager and his check writing sponsors.
Like all statistics they’re argued hotly depending on whose interpretation fits your local heroes best – with “best” and “greatest” the hottest topic of all.
Fly fishermen have statistics as well, only they’re largely unknown to the owner – but widely used by their friends. None of us are interested in fishing with the Greatest of All Time, as we know we’ll have to listen to a lecture over dinner – mostly Latin, and involving the Kama Sutra …
Our statistics are bandied about in our absence, when Bob at the casting club mentions you’ve invited him to fish somewheres. Communal pals then chime in with the important errata; “he’s got a positive FAV, middling to neutral SAD, a dismal BWO, bigtime SFG, and his FiF is off the goddamn chart, be sure to bring a camera …
FAV – Fly Average Value. The number of flies you carry divided by the number of flies in your buddies fly box, positive values mean you’re his new best friend.
SAD – Snores After Dark (see BWO) The average decibel of your glottis divided by the decibel value of an FA-18 in full afterburner. A positive value is bad, consider a second room.
SFG – Springs for the Gas, Used in conjunction with THC (Takes his car) and 4WD, invariably springs for the gas, never invokes CNOTE (all I got is hundreds).
BWO – Breaks Wind Often. Self explanatory, consider a second room, or an upwind sleeping bag lie.
FiF – Falls in Frequently. This guy is a laugh riot – possibly a timid wader, takes it in stride, doesn’t wuss when wet.
Most anglers are unaware of their lifetime averages – a combination of too frequent fabrication, and decades of tromping through taint.
Our spouses keeps a different kind of records, also cumulative over a career and largely demeaning. But as they’re outed to sympathizing same-sex pals, only during periods of abandonment, while watching romance movies, both you and your fishing buddies will find them largely useless … until she has them carved on your headstone.
Tags: batting averages, cost per pound, angling statistics, fly fishing scores, fly fishing humor, fly fishing buddies, lifetime averages, Mister Irrelevant
I have a passion for statistics. And, I played a little baseball in my misbegotten youth. “It’s a head game, son.” I love it!
But, I have had the pleasure of fishing with a few “living legends” and the facts couldn’t be further from the print. Because some wag says that it can’t be, or that he’s a bum doesn’t mean it’s true. Did anyone ever have a bad day,drink that third Martini, or just plain loose it?
Never near a trout stream.
Oh, Yeah. I couldn’t hit the fast-ball, either.
There you go with the taint word again.
Ha! I loved the post. I’m going fishing with about 30 other friends and family in June and this really touched on a fun part of these trips that we’ve been doing since I was 7 years old.
Thanks for the laugh!
JB
I had a hard time with fastballs too… and curves… and change-ups. I was more of a basketball guy.
– I think my FAV is pretty good, but it depends on who I’m fishing with.
– My SAD is very low.
– My SFG is low, but my THC is very high, hence the low SFG.
– BWO is up there.
– FIF is medium.
There is a couple of mitigating factors, age causes certain statistics to balloon – and the available remote cuisine.
I was introduced to that factor when fishing Hat Creek, whose sole apres-fishing meal consisted of Jerry’s (pronounced Jer-raise, Denny’s french cousin).
We were smarter the second night.
“SFG – Springs for the Gas, Used in conjunction with THC (Takes his car) and 4WD, invariably springs for the gas….”
Being a “THG/4WD” – all I can say is, God Bless SFGs.
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