One day the grocery lady will fix you with that steely gaze

Shopping The comment echoed as if it were yesterday. My buddy and I frozen in appreciation of the measured stride of some long-legged vision negotiating the corner crosswalk. We’re doing our best not to stare, yet as the thoroughbred approaches we realize she’s still in high school…

… which didn’t slow us down much, but we knew once she found out we were the same age as “Dad” – her drawn out “..Eeew..” would be the Hiroshima and Nagasaki of Male Ego, and we’d crawl away broken men.

I mentioned to my pal, who was older, “I’m thirty-something and feel like I just got out of High School.” He replied, “So do I, but old is when the lady behind the checkout counter calls you ‘Sir’.”

As it took an impossibly long time to get old, I figured it would be six or seven decades before I’d even flirt with the issue.

He was spot on. She’s got her hand out for your cash while the “MacDaddy” pose crumbles, the held breath exhales sharply – and you realize she’d dismissed you while you pawed carrots in the produce aisle.

(Cut to present day)

Out of a dusty drawer came “Old One-Seventy-Nine” – a Dyna-King Professional (Serial #179) purchased the first year the vice was available. I’d never grown overly comfortable with the big slotted jaw and realized I’d better get around to purchasing a set of midge jaws before they vanished forever.

Naturally, the old jaws wouldn’t come out, so I appealed to Dyna-King for assistance.

Shannon replied: “ the back end of the jaws have possibly been ‘smashed up’ over time from the cam handle, causing them to be snug through the body. If you still are unable to pull them out you can certainly send the vise in and we can take care of it for you.”

Having plenty of experience busting fine engineering with medieval German-esque hand tools, I opted for the safer course of action.

Shannon,

Enclosed you’ll find the stem and jaws of my Dyna-King Professional, Serial # 179. I’ve secured the replacement midge jaws to the vise via rubberband …

The reply came back quickly, “Damn that’s old.”

Cue the sharp exhale of breath, and the inaudible mumble of protest when the bagger offers to push my shopping cart  to the vehicle for me. I’ll just dodder along in her wake …

Tags: Dyna-King Professional, midge jaw replacement, old guy, misspent youth, gene pool, MacDaddy

4 thoughts on “One day the grocery lady will fix you with that steely gaze

  1. John Peipon

    I hope that your Dyna-King recovers soon.

    Old is when you overhear your girlfriends 17 year old boy say to a friend, “He’s older than dirt and he’s got an opinion about everything.”.

    Welcome to the Age of Reason.

  2. Don

    Years ago I could look at a women and tell you her age withing a year. Now, I can’t tell if they’re 16 or 25 or 35! I can guess pretty good if they’re 50 or older, but who cares?

    A few months ago I contacted Dyna-King asking if the tilting stem & bobbin rest on their latest Barracuda would work on my Ron Abbey. Shannon told me to send them a picture of my vise. I e-mailed a picture and Shannon replied: yes, it would work! She asked if I wanted to send the vise in for the change or if I thought I could do it myself. Dyna-King sent the stem and bobbin rest to me, it took all of 30 seconds to make the switch.

    Dyna-King is one of the few companies I’ve dealt with that has truly excellent customer service. Another is that Sixth Finger Scissors guy.

    Here’s a link to my updated “cool” vise with the midge jaws:
    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v12/oldtrout/P2030392.jpg

  3. Erik Helm

    Very well done!

    At grocery store the other day. Chicky-poo checkout gal asks me for I.D. for beer. I ask if she accepts cival war veterans I.D. She goes to ask her supervisor. I spend next hour at home in front of mirror locating new gray hairs and pulling them. Sigh.

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