… sure it’s the season of friendship, hope, and orgy of consumerism, yet buried way down deep is still a hint of Christianity … hard to see, but baby Jesus is sandwiched somewheres between that Lexus commercial and all the reasons I need a 54” flat screen …
… absent the three wise men, whose star led them to Best Buy, where they’re poring over red and blue maps and the merits of Droid versus iPhone.
Yet, in all this I find Hope. Not that I’ve changed spots any. I’m still the opinionated antisocial prick of Posts Past – only there’s an item common to all fly shop clearance sales – suggesting you astute lads aren’t buying any.
The Simms “Special Edition” wader mat. I’ve scratched my chin and after considerable thought decided if you own one of these, you’re a complete wienie.
Strong words from a fellow that takes pride in offending everyone, wades in crap, and thinks the purity of decay is the new wilderness.
I recognize the object and its function, freely admit that twenty bucks isn’t likely to break anyone, yet I just can’t find a single worthwhile reason to own one.
… and based on recent sales data and the canny shopping of a spouse navigating the unfamiliar waters of the local fly shop, Simm’s may have invented the fly fishing equivalent of Soap On A Rope.
Why? Gals know dirt.
They’re tired of stumbling over your wet wading boots on the floor of the garage, the mud caked waders flung over the dryer as your anti-invasive strategy, and would just as soon fix all that.
… and there in the sale bin is their instrument of Truth. Precisely the same length as a four-piece rod tube – and when wrapped will fool you into visions of Sage, Scott, and she shouldn’t have … A carat and a half later (which you can ill afford) and the glee of Christmas morn shattered by a drip mat.
… and that’s the best case.
If we look at the raw physics, you used to have two wet boots, one set of wet waders (inside and out), a dripping hollow wading staff, and all of that gear wadded into the same area containing sleeping bag, half eaten loaf of Wonderbread, and room temperature Bologna – left opened in the trunk when you elected to dine afield.
Now there’s another wet, dirty object to taint your precious supplies, or leak into your sleeping bag …
Sherlockian deduction suggests it may be the car that is of greatest concern. Waders and wet boots stashed in finely tailored gear bags emblazoned with vendor label, crest of arms, or both – and while all else is neatly compartmentalized this will be draining into your cashmere interior – while you search the backroads for a rare steak.
… and the fact that you drove such a car down a pitted track to set gleaming next to mine, means you’re a wienie.
Volumes of literature and roadside signs warn you against invasive species. Tanks of chemicals allow you to sprits wading gear back to the sterile pristine, yet there’s a goodly compliment of passengers lining your “drip mat” – and while you and your gear are chaste, that mat is now host to everything you stepped in.
… which makes you a wienie.
Or it could be that you don’t want to get any on you, environment-wise. Slithering into a high priced prophylactic is done to curry favor with the outdoor clique at work, or perhaps it was the Boss – who thought this whole adventure thing would be a great team exercise. He’s self-made and only agreed to the boardroom suggestion of “off site” because he loves to fish.
If so, Mother Nature is likely to bust a cap in your arse and expose you as a wienie.
Try as I might I cannot come up with any desirable characteristics not furnished by an old Playboy or dog-eared newspaper, scrap of carpet, or extra floormat.
“Simms” brooks little argument and looks tastefully sexy in moonlight, but so does my tailgate. I remove dripping garments high above the taint of soil – where they’ll drain fetchingly next to the “4WD” accent.
… any fool can get a high-priced, low-slung euro-roadster down the hill, it’s getting up that grows the Iron Cross …
Unnecessary gear. Another item to forget on the day of departure, another excuse for a high pitched tirade by the car. It’s easier to move the loaf of bread aside, grab your buddy’s down jacket and use that …
… that only costs you dinner.
Tags: Simms Special Edition wading mat, fly fishing wienie, unnecessary bulk, waders, wading boots, invasive species, fly shop, baby Jesus, antisocial prick, IMHO
How one could justify a $20 item to step on while changing is beyond me.
Maybe its just me, but when I go, waders, boots, 2-3 rag-towels, vest and rod tube go into a run-of-the mill rubbermaid bin and put in the back of the highlander. I can stand on a towel or the lid of the rubbermaid, thanks.
When I’m done, all the wet gear goes in the bin to get hung up when I get back to my garage.
Oh Honey; stop being a wienie! I bought 2 of them for you so you sit in my Lexus when we go shopping for curtains. Now be nice and have the laundry done by the time I get back from the hair dresser’s.
Luv you.
Kudo to the post and interesting comment, i also bookmarked your RSS feeds for more updates.
So you’re saying that some folks take their waders off from time to time? Fascinating Captain.
Wow…Pretty sure this is a “Carp unhooking mat” with a Sage logo.I am not making this up Its standard carp fishing gear in the U.K. google it! The Clever folks at Sage have found a way to market someones surplus carp mats……
Does it take a major lable to make it “wienie” ? I don’t think that my gear in agrigate is worth that much, but I sometimes catch a few fish… On the other hand, don’t look in my tying drawers! Ding!!!
I don’t think a major label is necessary, although they probably sell a few more because of it. Instinct suggests anyone could make it and I’d have a similar shudder.
Hey, that would fit perfectly in my European man-purse!
However, this “Special Edition” wader mat seems much too fancy for me.
Does Simms make a regular edition wader mat?
I’ve used an old carpet remnant, plastic or paper grocery bags, and just about anything that would do the job (when needed) that happened to be in my trunk at the time.
It’s time for this guy to upgrade!
Introducing the Simms Special Edition wader mat – For a seamless transition from roll cast to downward facing dog.
Clif your the Effing man, thats funny shiz there!
What the hell is it??
Very funny, and well written!
The first time I began to see ‘Lifestyle accessories’ outside oof the Orvis catalogue was when Sage came out with a mini aluminum rod case that was a cigar humidor. I thought to myself “Aha… so this is the new strategy to make Dr. Cantcast part with his money…” The Simms mat joins this. You can always tell the guys that bought ‘the look.’ They are the very ones using the Simms mat as a clothing accessory on the river. Since they don’t know what it is actually used for, they will carry it rolled up and strapped to their back…
along with three nets, the humidor, a lanyard with 349 gadgets, logoed ballcap…
Beautifully written prose on yet another example of the decent of a perfect sport into the synagogues of wealth, pomp and high prose where they know no more about enjoying the “outdoor experience” than they do about wiping their own asses in the woods with the rest of us.
If I had to decide what to do with such an item without knowing what it was supposed to be used for I would have thought it would be something with a much more practical, spontaneous application, like a puke matte for the dog after eating a half rotten squirrel, or something to throw over my waders while eating a greasy hamburger at a roadside drive thru.
Once again, KB cuts fly fishing vanity to the bone…
Babygirl got me one last year for Christmas. Needless to say, it was immediately used as the dogbed in the backcountry. It’s the fisherman’s “Snuggie”. Novelty wore off real quick; same with Babygirl.
@Bluerock – that comment was priceless, and now I’ve got to clean the keyboard due to coffee expelled through my nose.
Thanks for sharing.