The old days of lopping the head off a gobbler in your backyard are antiquity. Gentrification assured by CC & R’s that prevent live poultry on your acreage and expressly prohibits the stalking and slaying of same.

“Green” got the better of me, and I circumvented emasculating rules by getting most of a bumper and part of a steel belted radial on a goodly sized hen just down the road from my house.

Which makes me question whether there isn’t an innate conflict of interest for us Renaissance Men that’s triggered by the holiday and ensuing food debauch…

As “Chief Cook and Bottle-washer” I enjoy rarified standing among the drunken participants. The sumptuous sprawl of Turkey and fixings being my responsibility – while others tip-toe around my frantic boiling and chopping and fetch beer.

As “Resident fly tyer Extraordinaire” – I resent the imposition of a crowd of fat-arsed layabouts whose sole responsibility is to swill my liquor, contribute to global warming and get to watch football – something I’m denied by Role #1 above.

Cooking ritual is a complete mystery to the couch crowd – who are oblivious to culinary detail, and are making a comfortable dent in furniture yelling at some awesome play I missed while sweating over the hot stove.

“Dude, Bro … you look kind of hot in that apron.”

Like the millions of other cooks I’m short of pots early on – and forced to boil the neck and gizzards in pink fiber-reactive dye. With only four burners, a turkey, seven other side dishes, and a couple pounds of fur to color, expediency is the hallmark of the Great Chefs of Fly Tying.

… whose dual roles often conflict with one another, adding complexity to the proceedings.

The real trick is pairing natural foods and the colors that won’t leave incriminating evidence. “Fiber-Reactive” dye will only stain plant fiber and cannot be used with Brussel Sprouts, Yams, or Sweet ‘Tater – and “Acid” dyes stain protein so avoid Turkey, gravy, or stuffing.

…stuffing is best cooked conventionally as all the best recipes contain both meat and plant components.

Pots and burners are in short supply and it’s important to pick complimentary colors so you don’t let an oversight give artistry away. Olive Pumpkin pie is an eye-opener … but Ocher is merely “too much cinnamon.”

My family’s ancestral recipes include Broccoli ala Blue Wing Olive, and for that important “been in the refrigerator overnight” look – a good neutral gray is tough to beat.

Keep in mind that RIT uses huge amounts of salt as fixative. If you’re boiling or steaming either plant or meat protein, no additional seasoning is warranted.

By my quick count there are nearly 11,300 patterns that use turkey feathers in all or part of their dressing, it seems a shame that we don’t leave the feathers on the bird, drop it into a oak dye bath and give both feathers and skin that warm, fresh-roasted coloration.

… it’ll guarantee enough dark meat for everyone.

Tags: Thanksgiving, fly tying humor, dyeing materials, acid dye, fiber reactive dye, steel belted radial season, Walmart, Black Friday shoppers, fly fishing