You can rest easy knowing ALL the important freshwater gamefish will not be contracting Swine Flu.

Having endured mandatory training due to employment with a “first responder” organization,  it’s certain that while humanity may expire in a paroxysm of Phlegm; “Porkulosis”, “Bacon Lung”, or “Pigluenza” will leave freshwater fish untouched.

The details of fisheries science are a mystery to me, but while listening to the health professionals insist we wash our hands hourly, and how the communal pink donut box is “… a virtual Petrie dish of exotic toxins” – I couldn’t help wonder whether us fishermen were especially at risk.

Really big fish are oft-called “Pigs” or “Porkers” and us fly fishermen lack the good sense to avoid a forcible fish exhale or sputum when the big SOB is gripped too tightly. Waders only protect us from the chest down and we could be unwittingly made “pollination vectors” as legions of big fish wheeze their way to the surface bent on payback.

Not to worry.

I considered prostrating my morals by cornering the market on 100% impermeable facemasks, getting them silk screened with Light Cahill’s and Royal Coachmen, but the thought of making freaking goddamn millions at the expense of the Brotherhood was distasteful …

In a study published September 28th ahead of print in the peer-reviewed journal Environmental Health Perspectives, researchers measured oseltamivir carboxylate (OC), the active metabolite of the popular anti-influenza drug Tamiflu (oseltamivir phosphate), in samples of sewage discharge and river water

… so if the long lines for the H1N1 become burdensome you could wait a week and gargle river water. Dosages vary based on population size, so bring at least two straws. The “prime lie” will be at the outflow nozzle and bathing in it might provide additional surface resistance.

“An antiviral drug has never been widely used before, so we need to determine what might happen. During a flu pandemic, millions of people will all take Tamiflu at the same time. Over just 8 or 9 weeks, massive amounts of the drug will be expelled in sewage and find its way into the rivers. It could have huge effects on the fish and other wildlife.”

… maybe it’ll restore all that lost testosterone?

Tags: H1N1, swine flu, the other white flu, tamiflu, sewage treatment, fly fishing humor, Light Cahill, Royal Coachman, oseltamivir carboxylate