I keep harping on the need for a genetic superfish and unfortunately science seems hellbent on granting my wish.
Scientists have been working on reducing painful conditions in farmed livestock so they can be wadded into kennels closer together, fed rocks instead of real food, and beheaded without undue hormonal surge – all for the perfectly humane burger…
No, the condemned won’t get a last meal – they’ll merely have certain genes removed so they are no longer uncomfortable when packed in tightly and sleep standing up.
Now that 50% of the fish consumed are farmed scientists can focus on a disease resistant strain that doesn’t mind getting crapped on by the fish above, hit in the head by shovelfuls of pellets, and excretes daisies rather than starving the ocean floor with normal waste.
With the DNA rewired from stem to stern we’ll get some bottle-nosed, lumpy thing that takes to polluted water like we take to Ma’s freshbaked cookies. It’ll gargle feminine hormones, spawn in sewage and still taste like a Chicken McNugget.
As the farmed fish industry will be footing the bill, it’ll hunt in packs so it can defend its cage from seals, possess an armored carapace so Osprey just bounce off, and can burrow in the bank and thrive on earthworms during dry spells.
We’ll be scared to fish for the damn thing for fear we might catch one.
Science is an amazing discipline and while most of the above is near term, you’ve still got a little time …
… they’ll have to teach the invasive-superbeing-sumbitch to swim.
Tags: genetic super fish, gene removal, pain threshold, pain tolerance, Chicken McNugget, DNA, farmed fish,
They should give it lungs as well so if anyone has the balls for a hero shot no one will bitch about it being too far away from the water.
Face it, we’re doomed!
If they can create a beautiful mermaid before our demise, I’d scale that, I think.