For all the promise of the Internet and the billions spent on ecommerce, I still got jilted at the alter…

There’s only a half dozen phrases in the English language that should never be uttered – most involve women and drinking, but despite all efforts to the contrary I got one of them yesterday:

“Your waders are on back-order.”

Getting a boot full of body temperature toxic slime is a professional risk if you wander amid vegetables and stagnant creeks. The rest of you must endure the unwelcome icy chill of the Pristine, which is nearly as bad, but lacks the flesh eating bacteria of the Central Valley.  A slide down the bank followed by an unwelcome trickle at the knee or calf is typically shrugged off as fate.

Any gum-chewing teenybopper clerk should know that waders are always a last minute purchase and should never be back-ordered. We swore we’d replace them after the last trip – and blew that task off as the next outing was inconceivably distant; now we’ve got 24 hours before our next adventure and need replacements yesterday, dammit.

… now we’re staring “bare-assed” in the face and it’s all his fault.

My fault really, another reason I should’ve sprung for the Simm’s Headwaters Pants versus the Hodgman Wadewell II – despite their cost, the fellow at the shop would’ve been a little sympathetic …

Foul oaths, fist pounding rage and generous dollop of thumb-sucking in the fetal position. Eventually you find the four ounce tube of Aqua seal and “toothpaste slurry” every seam and surface abrasion.

Out comes the spackle knife and you cover everything else for good measure – hoping it’ll dry by morning. All the while you know it’s not going to do any good – other than to reduce the interior diameter to the point you have to roll them on like lace stockings.

… which can be titillating to be sure, but damp thigh-highs aren’t as comfortable as a couple of well drinks would make them appear ..

Tags: Aqua seal, leaking waders, toothpaste, toxic slime, backorder, ecommerce, Simm’s Headwater pants, Hodgeman Wadewell II, Internet