I could be a celebrity doctor without half trying. No credentials needed just some whispered word-of-mouth from one besotted celebrity to another and my phone is ringing off the hook.

Howard Hughes spoiled it for everyone else, we figured he was wiping his arse with Ben Franklin’s and only later found he didn’t  bother to do that. Now I’ve got to endure Madonna proclaiming Salmon is “age defying” and the more you eat the younger you look?

These poor fish just cannot catch a break…

Normally, I’d snort and turn the page – except I know better; some pristine watershed will be snapped up to ensure some celebrities deteriorating looks are preserved for all time.

“Madonna has embarked on a January salmon ‘retox’ regime to “knock 12 years off her appearance”.

The 50-year-old singer is so determined to make herself look younger she has enlisted the help of health experts who have devised a new programme for her packed with the oily fish.

A source said: “The new ‘retox’ means she has got a more cardio-intensive gym regime and a diet overhaul. She will also be eating a lot more salmon as it’s got age-defying properties. Her aim is to knock 12 years off her appearance.”

If you want to take 12 years off your life, just drink a water glass full of the crap I fish in – it’s cheaper than salmonids and available year round.

My apologies for even commenting on the story, but as it was paired with the Chilean “Salmon Anemia” crisis, I couldn’t help wondering how much  pink dye she can ingest before extremities start to glow.