Brownliner’s traditionally avoid holidays and the mistletoe scene despite our relish for eggnog. The wrinkled noses, pointed fingers, and whispered conversations usually results in us guzzling it out of a brown paper bag whilst perched on a tail gate – eyeballing  some unknown (and possibly) septic holding water.

Like you, Ma insists we send an Xmas list each year.

Tops on our list is the Med-E-Jet inoculation kit. Abrupt shifts in water color usually bespeak of fresh toxin and the indiscrete angler can be the unwitting host to a variety of plagues and pandemics.

With this little darling we can scrounge ammo from bankside vegetation, as medical waste and quality fishing are often hand in hand.

Most brownliner’s prefer hip waders  because it leaves both arse cheeks exposed – an ample target for the quick delivery of the appropriate antitoxin.

I’ve always preferred the ambidextrous model, allowing the use of either hand … comes with a fetching naugahyde shoulder holster.

The AcuPed 50 Chelating kit for Health Professionals is a unanimous second choice. Few brownliner’s are squeamish – but most have stepped on enough hypodermic needles to prefer oral delivery of heavy metal detoxification remedies.

I’ve suffered through accidental bouts of heavy metal poisoning, always remember to keep your mouth closed when submerged, it’s the first and best line of defense.

The Ken-Tool 34645 Tire Iron is the “wading staff” of the brown water angler. It’s the most efficient way of dismounting a bothersome ATV rider regardless of their forward speed or approach angle. 

Religion is an important part of Brownlining, and in “Preist” mode, its 37″ length can be swung 30 or 40 times without pause, important when attempting to retrieve your fly from the lip of an unknown yet energetic Brownline fish.

If you encounter “crossed KT’s” imbedded in a streambed, give them a wide berth. It’s likely marking the final resting place of a fellow Brownliner – and there’s no telling whether the area has been sanitized or remains contagious..

Brownliner’s respect the beauty of their surroundings despite little respect shown us by our environment. We’re thankful for small things; an energetic and invigorating day afield, our successful return to the car, and the retrieval of all flies in between…

The Tanaka Power Tree Pruner ensures that an errant cast allows us to terraform bankside vegetation in any manner we see fit, as we all have a bit of “Edward Scissorhands” – and Brownline watersheds are frequently choked with invasive flora, like barbed wire and “No Trespassing” signs. Often it’s “three with a single stone” – fly recovered, invasive species thwarted, and new holding water constructed – all with a single yank of its sturdy nylon cord.

 

Big slathering dogs are a constant source of angst among Brownliners. Farm owners delight in supplementing their diet with trespassing anglers, and traditional defensive tactics like flight or pepper spray are completely ineffective.

Usually the snarls and barking alert us to the approaching ravenous canine – buying us precious moments to inflate the Hawt Doggy.

Both time and size matters, so it’s best to keep a pocket full of “extra-large” and “monstrous” close at hand. There’s no time to be short of breath, or squeamish about the ensuing festivities – merely back away slowly once you’re no longer the object of their affection.

The Brownline is the home of ersatz gunmen and aspiring gang bangers, and the safest place to be is in their sights – as most can’t hit the broad side of a barn, and indirect fire is a constant worry in every riffle and shaded pool.

Landowners and their offspring are a humorless lot and take great glee in making it difficult for the adventurous. Most use the “multiple hit theory” and spray bullets rather than aim. On the outside chance you’re hit by a grazing round, or wish to wrap your rod for protection, the camoflage Kevlar flak vest is the perfect mixture of Brown water fashion and functionality.

Without the benefit of steady traffic, most brownline watersheds are a jungle of castoff furniture bound together with blackberry vines and stinging nettles. Bait fishermen and indigents frequent the bridges and easy access points – causing tensions to flare and making unsavory conditions worse.

Brambles and drunken toffs are handled easily with the Beulah Switch-Blade, an 11 foot masterwork of IM8 graphite, coupled with 30″ of hidden finely honed German steel.

A simple twist lock frees the switch handle from its reinforced IM8 sheath, giving the owner 30″ of razor sharp surgical steel to negotiate disputes over cold beer and prime water – and nullifying watershed-limiting obstacles like interlocked blackberry vines or barbed wire.

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Brownliner’s on your shopping list, and you’re looking for childlike squeals of glee once the paper’s torn? Most states outlaw fully automatic weapons – but the above should bring Christmas spirit to the most jaded angler, and ensure you’re paramount in his thoughts and the beneficiary of all his dead fish for seasons to come.