I’m studying “Boarding Strategies of the Somali Pirates,” a handwritten tomb outlining seventeen ways to abduct a small freighter armed with harsh language and an AK-47.

No, I’m not some nutcase – I’m rising to the occasion – the Federal government has just released anti-terrorist guidelines for small boaters, and that’s us…

“…the Bush administration wants to enlist the country’s 80 million recreational boaters to help protect the country against a nuclear or radiological bomb.”

I’m prepared to roar up to any fellow peacefully anchored in some lake and demand to see his identity papers. It’s immaterial that he’s actually fishing where I want to … I’m a patriot, and he’s out of luck.

According to an April 23 intelligence assessment obtained by The Associated Press, “The use of a small boat as a weapon is likely to remain al-Qaida’s weapon of choice in the maritime environment, given its ease in arming and deploying, low cost, and record of success.”

A float tube and a rusty 12 gauge should allow me to prowl my favorite water with impunity.  Any fellow with better tackle is suspicious, and if he catches more fish than me, he’s funded by a offshore terrorist cell. It’ll be a “shot across the bow” followed by Citizen’s Arrest and confiscation of anything chemical, longer than 8 feet, and made in England.

I’ll have to test for nerve agents back at the house, so he can forget about his sandwich and cooler, and as it’s a militia action, I can ignore the Geneva convention and drink his beer in front of him..

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