One million dollars for the inventor of the next great Fake Meat? I figured they ought to award some posthumously to the inventor of SPAM, and while they’re at it – something like a Nobel Prize for Culinary Bait & Switch for the scientists at Mickey Dees…

Most are too young to think of SPAM as anything other than unwanted email – us old guys know better. Technically it was meat, according to Doctor Mom, but in reality Ma was hoping we’d disappear the can with no complaints.

In her favor was the fact we’d been abandoned at the wharf and couldn’t drive, so that meant Pop was in on it too… We cursed a blue streak and contemplated whether the bait shrimp would make for better flavor – in the end, it was on the hook with even the fish curling their nose.

Now PETA is tired of us violating the unalienable rights of Bovines, and is offering to award one million dollars to the first scientist able to grow meat from a test tube.

That’s just fine by me, but the inner cloister of PETA probably is assuming we’d use stem cells from something without feelings, like dandelions or politicians. Fat goddamn chance of that happening – as the faux meat has to contain lard so the medical profession has something to scold us about.

I figure Hormel will get in there first, claiming their test tube is older than everyone else’s hence they’ll command the higher price. It’ll be the resurgence of “born on” dating – like they tried with beer.

One thing is certain – when it spews from the extruder, it’ll make a sound that rhymes with “blort.”

Technorati Tags: PETA, fake meat, 1 million bucks, science, lard