Us Californians bear a hideous burden, we’re supposed to export American culture to the rest of the world via Hollywood and politicians, and have additional responsibility to export some lifestyle change that ensures we’re the laughingstock of the rest of the country.

McDonald’s wants a taste of that action, opening a “Feng Shui’d” grease mart that assumes the elemental touch will have you admiring their decor, rather than counting all them silly grams of lard you’re ingesting. I figure if Mickey Dee’s wants in the fad may have run its course.

Then again, I may be wrong.

The makeover is part of the attempt by McDonald’s Corp. in recent years to remodel hundreds of its restaurants to attract more patrons with unique decor and amenities that might entice them stay awhile.

It also fits into McDonald’s larger corporate practice of catering to local tastes, such as a fondue-style burger in France or a pita-wrapped “McArabia” sandwich in the Middle East.

The “McArabia” might be the reason Osama Bin Laden torched the World Trade Center, it was pure self defense…

The basic principles of feng shui include placing strategic representations of five natural elements – earth, water, fire, metal and wood – around the room to increase the flow of chi, or energy.

I’m thinking my fly tying bench could use some Feng Shui, but incorporating all those elements could be problematic. Water is easiest, so I’ll require a keg refrigerator – I can run some carburetor hose up the armature of my lamp for “hands free” usage, and I don’t have to worry about tipping over glasses, or having an odd number of empty cans, which would disrupt “chi”.

Houseplants are prized in feng shui circles as a means of bringing desirable chi, or energy, into the home. They’re also a natural air purifier, and a simple way to brighten up the dark, short days of winter.

So I buy some Gro-Lights and revisit my college days, growing herbs rather than flowers or plasticine jungle foliage. Useful, likely to increase the creativity of my tying, but bouts of cotton mouth and cravings for vanilla ice cream topped with Mango Chutney will result in weight gain.

Another perfectly simple, but crucial, feng shui dictum. If something in your home is broken or in disrepair – even if it’s something that you rarely use, or keep in storage – fix it or get rid of it. The idea: malfunctioning or damaged objects engender pessimism and frustration.

I followed the directions to the letter, now I walk around dazed and haven’t tied anything other than shoe laces in months, it’s me that’s broken … so much for trendy..

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