Too damn many staid and conventional posts for my comfort, it’s lonely out here on the lunatic fringe, but we’re used to it.
When is a fisherman not a predator? When he’s shopping for groceries. A fat target lolling gracefully in the current, pinching cantaloupes and inspecting meat, oblivious to the fact that he is being stalked, his every move calculated…
I’m unpacking gear and damp stuff from the car, I glance down while hanging waders, and have to recoil in total fear, the bastard got me again. Dammit.
I’m looking at a 20-pack of Cottonelle toilet paper, sheathed in a second festive wrapper to hide both label and “hook”. I took the bait like some bovine, a victim of the sale aisle – finning comfortably sipping groceries, and then some grinning evil Madison Avenue SOB set hook on me.
Those of you under age 23, Cottonelle is the only toilet paper refused by gasoline companies, as the employee mortality rate was considered unacceptable. Special embossing ensures your backside is raw after the third pass, and you bleed to death with prolonged usage. A 20 pack is the toilet paper equivalent of a double amputation.
I always saw myself as a skilled angler, yet I fear Cottonelle’s marketing director. I know he is a fly fisherman too, he studies my feeding pattern, is canny in the life cycle of male grocery shoppers – how we pretend to know stuff in the vegetable aisle, (so the feminine of the species thinks we cook) and preys on us specifically.
Sure, we make great sport of them Madison Avenue swells and their feeble attempts at fishing, but who has the last laugh?
Me, I’m grimacing.
Technorati Tags: Cottonelle, raw flesh, wish I was 20 again
I purchased that brand once when I was single. Still had a few rolls left when I got married. My wife uses it to polish the silver.
Welcome back Joe.
You are now the proud winner of the Singlebarbed “Double Secret” contest, your prize is a 20 pack of Cottonelle, please send me your email address, and blood type…
Wow. That’s better than a canoe hat.
When I first started tying flies, my brother asked me if I could make him a few yarn indicators. Being the lazy ass that I am, I asked my wife, who dabbles in sundry thread and material based hobbies, to find me some poly macramé yarn. I failed to remember that like you, she tends to order in bulk, and I now have several hundred yards of the stuff, in brown, black, yellow, red, and bluish- green, collecting dust in my closet. Would you be interested in a trade? Even if you’re not, email me a mailing address and it’s yours.
“If it feeds, it can be caught on a fly.” GH
So true, vanity suggested I was a “selective” quarry, reality is that I am gullible and easily duped.
I’d suggest a win-win solution here; use the Cottonelle for indicators, and put the much softer poly yarn to work on your backsides.
No need to thank me.
Brilliant!
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So first off, you spelled “prey” wrong…that’s just me being anal though. And Second, I can absolutely guaruntee that Cottonelle is head and shoulders above whatever the rigid, cheese grater-like, pulp product they ‘provide’ for us here. There are some of us, the less physically inclined of us, that have been known to take knives with us into the stalls just to cut the stuff away for use. I mean there’s even a roomer of one squadron installing Dremel tools on each throne! I guess the higher-ups want us to practice low altitude strafing runs early…ouch! (If you don’t believe me, I can send you a few rolls for product review if you so desire…that goes for anyone!)
I always wondered where the Cottonelle “seconds” went, I had assumed they were used for Stealth fighters – as them ridges would disperse radar.